This was written sometime in Nov. or Oct. of '98:

Ok here is my little (will prolly turn to be long) blurb about why love is a useless emotion. I'll admit, I've been in love, and it was great, but only for a short time. Hell I'm fucking in love now! But I still don't see a need for such a useless emotion. No good comes out of it, only hate. Sure itz not a bad thought. But once again the human race is too stupid to make it work, even though it was created by us. We can't stay faithful. Hell, I'm a flirt, I admit it, so is my boyfriend. We both know we are, and we know we flirt behind each other's back, he's even done it in front of me. But I don't care, b/c I truly do love him. And the same goes for him. I'm sounding really hypocritical right now, and I know it. But I don't care. This is how I feel, if you got a problem with it read My Little Bitchfest and then fuck off.

Anyways, back to the subject at hand. Love. HA! Does anyone truly know what it is? I mean I'm fucking guessing here. Sure I feel strongly for my boyfriend, and I'm pretty sure I'm in love, but how can I ever be sure? How can anyone? We can't! B/c we are humans and we fuck up everything we touch, basically. Look at mother Earth, she's basically shot to hell. Why should our relationships be any different? Plus if we really knew what love was then we wouldn't have the need for divorces, or even marriages?!?!? We would stay committed and wouldn't need a stupid pointless ceremony, that is held by a servant of "God". If I ever do actually get married, (which I dunno if I will or if I won't) I want to have a Wiccan ceremony. I was Wiccan at one point, but gave the religion up b/c I didn't have the discipline to worship the God and Goddess in a way I saw fit. Well, anyways, their ceremony binds the two souls together, so that in their next life they will find each other and be together once again, always and forever. That is the true meaning of love. Being able to commit yourself to one person for enternity and not think twice. But anything other than that is a pathetic attempt at trying to make your life happy and fufilling your physical needs. People truly don't know what love is, and until divorce and marriages are totally obseliete, we never will.

Well apparently the human race doesn't know what love is. No one ever truly loves anyone, if my stepfather did, then why did he abuse me? If my parents loved me why'd they get a divorce? If all my Mom's husbands love, her then why is she on her 3rd divorce? If my family loved me, then why don't they help me get through all the shit I'm going through? Answer these questions for me. Love doesn't have any great power as I once thought. Itz a stupid feeling that controls us, well I'm breaking free and saying "Fuck Love!!!!!". I don't need it. I'll be alone for the rest of my life, fine by me! Let everyone else be blinded by stupid so called "love". Not me, I've woken up and seen it for what it is. A hurtful and vengeful emotion, that screws everyone over! FUCK IT! I don't need it and neither do you! Why love your fellow man when they rob and cheat you? NO POINT! The government, as much as I hate the government and anything to do with it, should outlaw love. Why you may ask? For the same god damn reasons they outlaw any drug, such as Marijuana, or LSD. Cuz it will hurt you. Let the government look out for us! Outlaw Love!!!!!!!! Make the world a better place!! No Love! Come on, itz a bandwagon, someone is gonna wanna join! ::laughs:: God, I sound like a fucking politician... 'cept one little detail, I don't lie or cheat people, especially the ones I love. Well I've vented enough for tonight, or this morning, or whatever time it is. I bid you a fond farewell.

Jan. 4th, 2000: Have you ever heard people talk about when yer in love you should just say it and be done with it? Why do people hold back, why won't I admit to anyone that I care so deeply for this one person that it could possibly be love? I don't know. I think I'm afraid, itz made me scared. I don't want to scare him away, but I also don't want him to think that I don't care for him. I'm being pushed from one direction and then from another. I can't find that nice middle ground when I'm balanced, and he's happy, and I'm happy. I'm basically known for crappy relationships, but this is so different. I say that every damn time i'm in a new one, but they are all different from each other. Just this one I'm getting everything I want and need (almost)from him, and I am hopefully giving him the same. I think about him every day, wishing to talk to him for just a minute longer, even though I may not have the time or money to call him. I just long to be with him. When I'm not around him I wish he was on the computer. When I'm talking to him over the computer, I wish I was on the phone with him, when I'm on the phone with him, I wish I was there with him. Itz just this insaitiable need with in me. Or at least it seems like that. I think it'd be satisfied just from a few minutes in his arms, but perhaps then I may want more. I can't tell. I just reread all the stuff he's sent me, email or letters, and I treasure every last little piece that I have. I just wish I could talk to him right now, but I have school in half a hour. I don't think I'm gonna go today. I haven't slept all night, a bad thing.

Jan. 17th, 2000: The one thing I trusted as my model of real love fell apart in front of my eyes last night. I completely trusted them both to be together, and to be faithful. But one strayed. Why do I feel so betrayed? Why should I even give a fuck, itz their lives. But yet I do. I've lost a lot of hope in this thing called love, and I'm trying not to lose all hope b/c I don't want to lose what I have in my own life right now. But where am I supposed to turn to to show me the way? I can't use them anymore. He forgave her, and she believes she was completely innocent. I don't think she was. Who cares if she was drunk? You need to take control over yourself in all situations, no matter what influence you may be under. My love is unconditional, but my relationships aren't. There are differences. If someone cheated on me, and I loved them, I'd still love them afterwards, but the relationship between me and him would be ruined. I couldn't look at him the same way. I would be betrayed, and I can not deal with that. For some reason I feel betrayed by what went on last night. Yet it is not my place to feel like that. I'm not in that relationship, yet I'm exposed to it all the time, I know it better than any outsider. They were the foundation for me. My parents sure as hell weren't, but dammit they fucking were, and now it is gone, gone, gone. I'm sounding completely selfish, but when it is the one thing that you've believed in finding all your life, and then you finally see what you think to be a true example of it, and it crumbles, you're broken. I'm trying to have at least some hope for myself in what I'm involved in now, but what happens when what you believe in crumbles? I'm not sure. I just have believe in myself I guess. And use them as an example of what not to be. Thank you for letting me vent. Adieu. ~Lynne

P.S. If you think I haven't explained my title fully, think of it this way... We don't truly know what it is, so it is useless until be can fully understand and comprehend Love's great power.

Okie everyone, I found a little song for you...

I Like Your Eyes
By The Bouncing Souls

I love your eyes so much i wanna poke em out
i love your legs so much i wanna break em off
i love your hair so much i wanna rip it out

you played a game with the wrong motherfucker
violent love my violent love

love ya so much i wanna kill ya
i love your face so much i wanna smack it off
i love your pants so much i wanna pull em down

got nothin but love today whip it out and fire
away can you feel the pain in my heart?

look at me again and i'll hit ya
hate ya so much i wanna kill ya
love you so much i wanna love ya
touch me again and i'll kick ya you're my
precious little girl you mean more to me than the world.