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Philatio Harris stared up at the ceiling, trying his damndest to make himself get out of bed. How had he sunk to this point? What had he done to deserve this? Then he thought to himself "How have I sunk to this point? What did I do to deserve this?" Then he looked over at his collection of kiddy porn and said to himself, "Oh yeah."

Somewhere, perhaps in another town, a bluebird cried. But, back at Philatio Harris' place, he remained prone. Prone to attack from his friends who constantly called him, saying, "Can I have my pictures back?"

Philatio gathers himself and gets out of bed. He checks his answering machine for messages he slept through. They're all the same, "where's my porn you bastard?", "hey, I want my pocket pussy back", "this is the public library, The Outsiders is now three weeks overdue, please return it immediately." He goes to the fridge and makes a mustard and cucumber sandwich, without the crust of course. He then precedes to masturbate into his shoes, his shoes are too small so he uses his love juice as a sort of liquid shoehorn.

Then, as he does every day, Phil realizes that those aren't his shoes. And once again, his last model/girlfriend still hasn't returned his calls, so she's probably still looking for them. He considers visiting her, but the hall monitors at her school know him too well for him to sneak in. So once again Philatio just goes to the park, waiting for soccer practice to start.

When he had finished masturbating to the teenage girls playing soccer, he sealed the ziplock baggy he had used to catch his seed and put it in his pocket, making a mental note to put it with the rest of his collection that he kept in his last model/girlfriend’s shoes. He then made his way toward the deli across the street, all the while racking his brain trying to figure out how the hell anybody could possibly think that Margaret Cho was the least bit funny. It was only recently that Philatio had once again been able to set foot inside a deli. For years he had avoided them for fear that somehow his penis would get caught in the meat slicer. Then he found a store that sold steel underwear in his size, so his fears were put to rest. He was more than halfway to the counter when he realized that he wasn’t wearing his steel underwear today. In fact, he wasn’t wearing any underwear at all. In fact, he wasn’t even wearing pants. Somehow he had mistaken a t-shirt for his pants. He looked down in horror at the neck hole. Dangling out from the hole meant for a different head was his penis, still dripping from his latest escapade.

The deli owner was working the counter that day. He noticed the dripping penis peaking out of the shirt and was about to tell him to leave. He then thought to himself, "business has been slow, I'll take his money." Philatio ordered his old favorite, olive loaf with muenster cheese on a keiser roll. He looked in the cool case and saw a fresh bowl of coleslaw with a round spoonful taken out. He started to get aroused, imagining himself having relations with said slaw. He would have complete control, making the slaw do what he wished. He snapped out of his daydream when the man handed him his sandwich. He paid the man, grabbed his 'wich and walked out, hitting the sitting patrons in the face with his erect member. Before he walked out he turned and said, "hey everybody, watch me open the door without using my hands."

After performing such feats, Phil felt tired, so he sat down on a nearby bench to consume his sandwich. He indeed at his sandwich with much relish and was quite satisfied, but also tired, so he laid down for a nap. Sometime later, he woke up and found that he was now surrounded by dogs, who were licking the muenster cheese from his lips, needless to say, this, well, pleased him greatly, and the dogs took notice, including the lead dog, named Spock. At that time, his friend, Dick Van Dyke walked by. Dick said to Philatio: "That is a good dog. You should not consume him." Phil replied, "I think that I shall comply. That is good neighborly advice."

Dick then asked Philatio if it would be alright if he sodomized him right there on that park bench. Philatio declined, saying he preferred the privacy of the bushes across the way. As they were headed toward the bushes Dick asked Spock if he cared to make it a threesome. Spock agreed after making it perfectly clear that he would only "give" and would not "take." So off went the trio to their makeshift love nest. The three disappeared into the bushes, none aware at that time that only two of them would ever come out.

Dick and Phil granted Spock his wish to let him give. Dick obliged by dropping his trousers and pulling apart his nasty old cheeks and welcomed Spock's love stick. While Spock pumped away, Dick went down on Phil. Spock started to get too rough for Dick. Dick told him to ease up or he will make him stop. Spock ignored him and kept abusing Dick's anus. Dick had enough, so he flexed his sphincter and ripped Spock's cock right off. Spock rolled on the ground in pain, bleeding to death. Dick finished off Phil, they got dressed and went on there way. They left Spock to die a painful death. He suffered for about three hours before he finally passed. His body was later found by a homo couple out for a jog who suddenly got the urge to go behind a bush and have gay relations.

Dick commented to Philatio that he was not looking forward to seeing the upper half of Spock's shaft floating among his stool when he had his weekly "BM" later that night. Philatio then remembered that he had not yet been sodomized by Dick, which was the whole reason they had gone into the bushes in the first place. When he mentioned this to Dick, the aging comic said, "Gosh, I completely forgot." He then bent Philatio over a nearby garbage receptacle and gave him a good rogering. "Thanks for reminding me," Dick said after the reaming had concluded. Philatio was glad that he had reminded Dick, because as he was being mercilessly porked he noticed something shiny in the trash can. When he was sure nobody was looking, he reached into the garbage and pulled out a...

...tooth from his mouth. It had been hurting him for weeks, but he hadn't gotten around to removing it. He then remembered that his other arm was in the garbage, reaching for a jagged piece of glass. This will be just the thing to use to scrape dried sperm from my walls, floors, refrigerator, oven, etc, though Philatio, but as he finally grabbed it, a particularly violent but pleasureful thrust from Mr. Van Dyke shook him, causing him to drop the broken glass, slicing open his hand.

Van Dyke took great pride in the gash in Philatio's hand. He thought the cut was the result of the incredible trajectory with which he had shot his latest load. When Philatio told him what had actually happened, he convinced himself that Philatio just wasn't yet ready to believe that a man of Dick's age could shoot a load so hard that it would force its way into the receiver's blood stream and escape out the nearest palm. Dick Van Dyke pitied Philatio Harris at that moment. He knew then that Philatio would never be happy no matter how many times he gave him his particularly sweet brand of lovin'.

Dick then, after pausing to switch pants with Philatio, did the only honorable thing he - or anyone else - could possibly do, in a situation like this. He bid farewell to Philatio, in song: