Kyle

John

Sean

Brian

Timmy Bighands

Chapter 1: It Begins

Tuesday, April 11 12:18 AM PT

Philatio Harris stared up at the ceiling, trying his damndest to make himself get out of bed. How had he sunk to this point? What had he done to deserve this? Then he thought to himself "How have I sunk to this point? What did I do to deserve this?" Then he looked over at his collection of kiddy porn and said to himself, "Oh yeah."

Chapter 2: And You Wonder, Why Should I Care?

Tuesday, April 11 12:52 AM PT

Somewhere, perhaps in another town, a bluebird cried. But, back at Philatio Harris' place, he remained prone. Prone to attack from his friends who constantly called him, saying, "Can I have my pictures back?"

Chapter 3

Tuesday, April 11 1:17 AM PT

Philatio gathers himself and gets out of bed. He checks his answering machine for messages he slept through. They're all the same, "where's my porn you bastard?" "hey, I want my pocket pussy back", "this is the public library, The Outsiders is now three weeks overdue, please return it immediately." He goes to the fridge and makes a mustard and cucumber sandwich, without the crust of course. He then precedes to masturbate into his shoes, his shoes are too small so he uses his love juice as a sort of liquid shoehorn.

Chapter 4: Foiled Again

Tuesday, April 11 10:23 PM PT

Then, as he does every day, Phil realizes that those aren't his shoes. And once again, his last model/girlfriend still hasn't returned his calls, so she's probably still looking for them. He considers visiting her, but the hall monitors at her school know him too well for him to sneak in. So once again Philatio just goes to the park, waiting for soccer practice to start.

Chapter 5: Wrong Head

Tuesday, April 11 11:29 PM PT

When he had finished masturbating to the teenage girls playing soccer, he sealed the ziplock baggy he had used to catch his seed and put it in his pocket, making a mental note to put it with the rest of his collection that he kept in his last model/girlfriend’s shoes. He then made his way toward the deli across the street, all the while racking his brain trying to figure out how the hell anybody could possibly think that Margaret Cho was the least bit funny. It was only recently that Philatio had once again been able to set foot inside a deli. For years he had avoided them for fear that somehow his penis would get caught in the meat slicer. Then he found a store that sold steel underwear in his size, so his fears were put to rest. He was more than halfway to the counter when he realized that he wasn’t wearing his steel underwear today. In fact, he wasn’t wearing any underwear at all. In fact, he wasn’t even wearing pants. Somehow he had mistaken a tee shirt for his pants. He looked down in horror at the neck hole. Dangling out from the hole meant for a different head was his penis, still dripping from his latest escapade.

Chapter 6

Wednesday, April 12 12:31 PM PT

The deli owner was working the counter that day. He noticed the dripping penis peaking out of the shirt and was about to tell him to leave. He then thought to himself, "business has been slow, I'll take his money." Philatio ordered his old favorite, olive loaf with Muenster cheese on a keiser roll. He looked in the cool case and saw a fresh bowl of coleslaw with a round spoonful taken out. He started to get aroused, imagining himself having relations with said slaw. He would have complete control, making the slaw do what he wished. He snapped out of his daydream when the man handed him his sandwich. He paid the man, grabbed his 'wich and walked out, hitting the sitting patrons in the face with his erect member. Before he walked out he turned and said, "hey everybody, watch me open the door without using my hands."

Chapter 7: Not Necessarily As Sick As It Sounds

Wednesday, April 12 11:55 PM PT

After performing such feats, Phil felt tired, so he sat down on a nearby bench to consume his sandwich. Soon indeed he was at his sandwich with much relish, and was quite satisfied, but also tired, so he laid down for a nap. Sometime later, he woke up and found that he was now surrounded by dogs which were licking the Muenster cheese from his lips, needless to say, this, well, pleased him greatly, and the dogs took notice, including the lead dog, named Spock. At that time, his friend, Dick Van Dyke walked by. Dick said to Philatio: "That is a good dog. You should not consume him." Phil replied, "I think that I shall comply. That is good neighborly advice."

Chapter 8: The Sodomy Starts Here

Thursday, April 13 1:01 AM PT

Dick then asked Philatio if it would be alright if he sodomized him right there on that park bench. Philatio declined, saying he preferred the privacy of the bushes across the way. As they were headed toward the bushes Dick asked Spock if he cared to make it a threesome. Spock agreed after making it perfectly clear that he would only "give" and would not "take." So off went the trio to their makeshift love nest. The three disappeared into the bushes, none aware at that time that only two of them would ever come out alive.

Chapter 9

Thursday, April 13 1:17 AM PT

Dick and Phil granted Spock his wish to let him give. Dick obliged by dropping his trousers and pulling apart his nasty old cheeks and welcomed Spock's love stick. While Spock pumped away, Dick went down on Phil. Spock started to get too rough for Dick. Dick told him to ease up or he will make him stop. Spock ignored him and kept abusing Dick's anus. Dick had enough, so he flexed his sphincter and ripped Spock's cock right off. Spock rolled on the ground in pain, bleeding to death. Dick finished off Phil, they got dressed and went on their way. They left Spock to die a painful death. He suffered for about three hours before he finally passed. His body was later found by a homo couple out for a jog who suddenly got the urge to go behind a bush and have gay relations.

Chapter 10: Rogering n’ Receptacles

Thursday, April 13 1:30 AM PT

Dick commented to Philatio that he was not looking forward to seeing the upper half of Spock's shaft floating among his stool when he had his weekly "BM" later that night. Philatio then remembered that Dick had not yet sodomized him…that was the whole reason they had gone into the bushes in the first place. When he mentioned this to Dick, the aging comic said, "Gosh, I completely forgot." He then bent Philatio over a nearby garbage receptacle and gave him a good rogering. "Thanks for reminding me," Dick said after the reaming had concluded. Philatio was glad that he had reminded Dick, because as he was being mercilessly porked, he noticed something shiny in the trash can. When he was sure nobody was looking, he reached into the garbage and pulled out a...

Chapter 11: Jagged and Violent

Thursday, April 13 11:57 PM PT

...tooth from his mouth. It had been hurting him for weeks, but he hadn't gotten around to removing it. He then remembered that his other arm was in the garbage, reaching for a jagged piece of glass. This will be just the thing to use to scrape dried sperm from my walls, floors, refrigerator, oven, etc, though Philatio, but as he finally grabbed it, a particularly violent but pleasureful thrust from Mr. Van Dyke shook him, causing him to drop the broken glass, slicing open his hand.

Chapter 12: VD’s Cannon

Friday, April 14 12:06 AM PT

Van Dyke took great pride in the gash in Philatio's hand. He thought the cut was the result of the incredible trajectory with which he had shot his latest load. When Philatio told him what had actually happened, he convinced himself that Philatio just wasn't yet ready to believe that a man of Dick's age could shoot a load so hard that it would force its way into the receiver's blood stream and escape out the nearest palm. Dick Van Dyke pitied Philatio Harris at that moment. He knew then that Philatio would never be happy no matter how many times he gave him his particularly sweet brand of lovin'.

Chapter 13: Brother Can You Spare Bus Fare?

Friday, April 14 12:13 AM PT

Dick then, after pausing to switch pants with Philatio, did the only honorable thing he - or anyone else - could possibly do, in a situation like this. He bid farewell to Philatio, in song:

Chapter 14: Ode

Friday, April 14 12:27 AM PT

Philatio you've been my bitch
You're used up now, it's time to switch
I need someone whose ass is tight
And can withstand a pounding night after night


Then he went on to the next verse...

Chapter 15: Ode II – The Ode Continues

Friday, April 14 12:56 AM PT

Philatio, you'll be happy,
Your days won't be so crappy,
When you find what you're missin'
And give up your homemade religin

Oh, Phil, I will not miss you
Long as I do not kiss you,
For I have had Mary Tyler,
More than you could possibly imagine.

After this touching song, Dick van Dyke once again slipped on the ground, still wet with his jism. He then limped off into the night, never to be heard from again.

Chapter 16: Put A Lil’ Butter On It

Monday, April 17 1:47 AM PT

Philatio went home a little depressed, knowing he would never see Mr. Van Dyke again. He put butter on his fresh wound on his hand. He couldn't help but tear up. Looking at his hand reminded him of the pounding he just got from Dick. Good times. He perked up when on the TV he saw Ed Begley Jr., his favorite actor of all time.

Chapter 17: Eye of the Tiger

Monday, April 17 1:26 PM PT

As he masturbated, he wondered how he had come to be so fond of the junior Ed Begley. He supposed it was probably that lip thing he had, or possibly because he encouraged others to drive electric cars. Ah yes, how he loved Ed Begley Jr., almost as much as he loved dipping Kit Kats into whipped cream, almost as much as he loved masturbation and sodomy. Then his thoughts turned to Spock. He wished there had been a more humane way for Dick to tear off his hog.

Chapter 18: Janet Wood

Monday, April 17 5:34 PM PT

Phil flipped through the channels looking for something that would take his mind off of Spock. Star Trek, click, In Search of...click, Hee-Haw, hmmm, nah, click. Finally, he came across an American classic, Three's Company. He hadn't seen this show since he was just a youngen. It brought back memories of watching the show with his parents and their friends. Every week they would come over to watch and play the Three's Co. game. First, they would get loaded while watching Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley. Then, when it was time for TC, everything stopped. The game was every time Ralph Furley had a plunger or said the word "macho" everyone had to jerk off and the first one to satisfy themselves won. They're right when they say that your childhood is the best time of your life.

Chapter 19: Trajectory

Monday, April 17 11:12 PM PT

Bonus points could also be earned if your "climax" reached the TV screen and landed on Mr. Furley. When asked what he thought of the game, Don Knotts was heard to comment, "I like the thought of a bunch of guys in a room together trying to cum on me. It helps get me going when I'm being romantic with my beard…err, um, I mean my wife." Further adding to the mystique of this game are rumors that during moments of the show, Knotts will give subtle targets to people playing at home. Whether it be opening his mouth as wide as possible, or subtly spreading his cheeks.

Chapter 20: All Quiet On the Eastern Front

Tuesday, April 18 11:51 PM PT

There were of course problems with the game. Such as their next door neighbors, the Dixons, didn't spike the punch so that no one actually got inebriated. Then when the time came to start proving their love to themselves, they soberly realized what they were doing. Fortunately, it was a good episode, so everyone stuck around and forgot all the embarrassment, and everything was back to normal the following week.

Chapter 22: Portent of Doom

Wednesday, April 19 6:40 PM PT

But he knew that that was not in his future. Also, he realized that he was hungry once again. No matter how much he ate at a given time, he was always hungry again, eventually. Philatio figured that he was weird that way. His evidence for this was that whenever he invited people to go to dinner with him, they were never hungry, even if he called 5 times an hour for 3 days straight. But for whatever reason, Philatio was hungry once again. He went to his refrigerator and, behold, it was empty! Not a bit of food or frozen sperm in sight!

Chapter 23: No, Not Leftover Meatloaf Again

Thursday, April 20 11:18 PM PT

Phil was starving. He is not one for eating leftovers, but right now he wouldn't mind. The grease stains and chopped onions on the bottom of the fridge reminded him of mom's meatloaf. He could taste it now, big ass hunk of juicy meat in his mouth, making him drool. That memory flashed him back to when he would frequent the local gay clubs. He would spit polish a dude's helmet for drinks and kicks. He stopped that when one guy came so much Phil nearly drowned. He was coughing up man juice for a week after. He closes the door and grabs a half-eaten piece of bologna off the counter.

Chapter 24: Out Of Practice

Friday, April 21 12:56 AM PT

As he brings the gigantic sausage to his mouth, he realizes that this, too, reminds him of the past. It's even covered with fungus and slime and...and it's just all too painful. On a whim, he throws the bologna out the window, which he quickly realizes was closed. This, however, turns out to be serendipitous, as the shattered glass/bologna/mold mix struck a passing pizza deliveryman. Now Philatio will be able to gnaw on fresh human flesh, until he wakes up, that is.

Chapter 25: Cathartic Colonic

Friday, April 21 1:43 AM PT

As he was walking downstairs to gnaw on the deliveryman, Philatio had a catharsis. Why is it that he always had to eat? Or at least have a huge cock in his mouth at all times? It just didn't seem healthy. He walked toward the unconscious deliveryman, and when he reached him, instead of stopping to gnaw to his heart's content, he just kept on walking. Walking and walking. Ol' walkin' Philatio, that's what people started calling him after he had walked for 37 days straight. How far had he walked, he wondered. All that he knew is that his surroundings were no longer familiar. The sights and scents were completely new to him. It was absolutely mystifying to him that there were no canines and elderly comedians having gay intercourse anywhere in sight. He couldn't remember the last time he had gone an entire day without seeing any sort of inter-special sodomy.

Chapter 26: Pocket Protecting

Friday, April 21 11:13 AM PT

Phil sat down, backwards on a saddle, and pulled out the calculator he faithfully carried with him. He figured that he can walk four miles an hour, then subtracted the amount of time per hour he stopped to eat and engage in sodomy with the local townsfolk. That left 0.2 miles per hour that he could walk.

So, over 37 days, Phil figured he'd walked 177.6 miles. But then he remembered sleep. 172.8 miles...that's how far he'd walked. Yet he could see his apartment down the street. How peculiar, Philatio thought, as he struggled to get off on the horse...I mean get off OF the horse.

Chapter 27: Gone Today, Here Tomorrow?

Friday, April 21 11:18 AM PT

Philatio realized that although he'd walked an incredible 172.8 miles, he had walked mostly in circles, and was in fact not in some strange land, but in his own town of Fresno, California. That must mean the townspeople he sodomized were his own townspeople...hmmm, he thought they felt familiar.

But there was no sodomizing in sight today, not even of the same-species variety. Dazed and confused, Philation decided to go back home and finish that piece of Bologna, which had now been marinating in deliveryman blood for over a month.

Chapter 28: Walking Blows

Friday, April 21 11:24 AM PT

Nary a sodomite in sight, Philatio decided that he would take another long walk - but this time he would make sure that he left Fresno. After several months, Phil was tired and unbathed; his shoes had worn through the soles; his beard looked like Bruce Sutter's in the early 80's. He decided he had gone far enough.

He found a diner in a small town and went in to use the facilities. Upset when he was told that the diner did not have any saddle-riding game facilities, Philatio questioned aloud just what kind of backward town this was.

"Wickenburg, Arizona" the waiter replied.

Chapter 29: Bright Lights, Big Stuff

Friday, April 21 11:28 AM PT

Philatio realized that he was close to Phoenix. He figured that would be a perfect destination. He had not been sodomized in what seemed like hours, and if Phil knew one thing, it was this:

Where there's a big city, there's sure to be plenty of sodomy.

But Philatio didn't know just one thing. He also knew that he could not walk any longer without a new pair of shoes. He started shouting "Baby needs a new pair of shoes" loudly, and all but one diner patron offered Phil the shoes off of their very own feet. Oh yeah, that's because he threatened to sodomize them if they didn't give him their shoes.

Chapter 30: Walk a Mile in His Shoes

Friday, April 21 11:35 AM PT

The one diner at the diner who did not offer Philatio his shoes also happened to have the footwear Philatio desired most: a broken-in pair of Birkenstocks.

Philatio didn't waste any time sodomizing the Birkenstock-wearing man, who obviously loved his sandals to a sickening degree. But he also loved sodomy, and in fact withheld his footwear for the sake of being sodomized by Philatio.

Still unwilling to give up his Birkenstocks, the man offered to drive Philatio to Phoenix.

Chapter 31: Big Woody Needs a Center Fielder

Friday, April 21 11:40 AM PT

Jack Glasscock drove Philatio to Apache Junction, where they were greeted with a house of sodomite activity. The joint was pretty broken down, but the houseguests didn't care. Unfortunately, one man was so startled at the scent of Philatio, who had not bathed in months, that he injured his member trying to pull out to fast and at an awkward angle.

The house was glum after Lyal returned from the emergency room. They knew their star center fielder would have to go on the disabled list for at least two weeks. But the semifinals of the Apache Junction StickBall League were tomorrow. Their team, Big Woody, had no change without Lyal, who had belted 43 home runs this season, not to mention 76 other players with his bat.

Chapter 32: Put Me In Coach

Friday, April 21 11:46 AM PT

Phil had never played Stickball before, but he liked the sound of it, and he had always been a big John Fogerty fan, even after he left CCR. He decided to give it a try, and went out to field a few flies at practice later that afternoon.

"Sheesh," thought Phil. He had never sucked at anything that hard before. Stickball was not for him, but the after-practice sodomy was good. He decided to stay on as the team's manager, while the manager, Shane, took Lyal's place in center field. They were banged, but Big Woody still had a shot at beating their opponents, the East Valley Industrial Strength Lubricant-Making Cowboys.

Chapter 33: Game Day

Friday, April 21 2:03 PM PT

After the pre-game sodomy between the two managers, the game began. The team realized that their left and right fielders, Tommi and Kris, would have to have big games to pick up Shane's slack. Kris made two outs on diving plays in the first inning alone. The team congratulated him by gang-sodomizing him in the dugout in the middle of the first inning. Their second baseman, Christopher, lead off. He looked at the Cowboys' pitcher intently, because he thought he was hot. Oh boy, was he looking forward to the gay sex orgy between the two teams after the game.

Chapter 34: Noon Cowboy

Friday, April 21 5:38 PM PT

Tired from the gang-sodomy, the Woodies were unable to score (on the field, umm... I mean, in the game, you know, score a run, cross home plate, that's what I mean), and only Christopher got on base. Actually, that was more the problem; Christopher got a double, but when he got to second base he recognized the shortstop for the Cowboys as an old friend from junior high. They became reacquainted, in the process blocking the basepaths with their wild lovemaking. Thus the first inning ended in a 0-0 tie, for the first time ever in the Apache Junction StickBall League semifinals.

Chapter 35: Take Me Out To The Ball Game

Monday, April 24 11:39 AM PT

With all the gay shenanigans, the game remained scoreless. They came upon, he he, the middle of the seventh inning, yes the seventh inning stretch. This is their favorite part of the game, they view it as the inning to stretch each others asses as much as possible with their cocks, fists, cleats or whatever else they could find. No wonder it's America's past time.

Chapter 36: The Cowboys Make Their Move

Monday, April 24 6:05 PM PT

The Woodies, with fatigue starting to hit them, were unable to even get to first base in the bottom of the 7th. They didn't get any hits or walks either. Trouble hit in the top of the 8th. Jake Trouble, that is, the star first basemen for the Cowboys. He had been held up near Roosevelt Lake overseeing the Fish Sodomizing Tournament. Jake had meant to slip out early, but this was before he realized that the Tournament Overseers were allowed to sodomize any and all fish (after the fisherman that caught the fish, of course), fisherman or crowd member that they wished. Though this tournament began 17 days previously, plenty of sodomy was still going on. At any rate, Jake arrived, participated in the 7th Inning Stretch and then led off the 8th with a homer, which sparked the Cowboys to greatness.

Chapter 37: Center Field - Salvatore (Sal) Croletti

Thursday, April 27 6:32 PM PT

"This guy was like a bonobo," said teammate Stubby Hawkins of Sal Croletti, betraying an unusual knowledge of the chimp-like primate that will gladly mate with any member of its group at any time. Yet he was right. Croletti was a tall, graceful man, a superb hitter and a sleek, strong-armed outfielder - a DiMaggio before DiMaggio - for Pittsburgh, for one year, in 1926. He had, as they say, a way about him. Women fell into his arms, and into his bed. So did men, it turned out, and before too long that included most of his teammates. "He just exuded sexuality," remembered catcher Poot Chawtuk, years later. "He just made everything seem okay. He was real nice to be with. You know?"

Finally, sportswriter Hub Flanders wrote that the Pirates’ clubhouse had become "a lurid, steamy, groaning place of blatant homoerotic tension and barely-disguised couplings." But the team was in and out of first place in ’26, far exceeding pre-season hopes, so the Steeltown fans were willing to accept the club line that their guys were just "real close." Unfortunately, the team tired in September and faded to third place. Croletti threw his back out during the off-season and never played again.

Chapter 38 (Part 1): Title Goes Here

Monday, May 8 10:56 PM PT

Yes, the Cowboys were victorious, scoring 9 runs in the 8th, and adding 4 more in the 9th. The Woodies only managed a single run in the 9th inning, due to fatigue. Right after the final out was recorded, the Apache Junction StickBall League Playoffs Anthem was sung, "Ode to Sal." Tears welled up in everyone's eyes, but Philatio was especially moved, as he had met Ol' Sal just before his death in 1983. Philatio was just a youngin' then, and not really much of a fornicator yet, but Ol' Sal turned him around and taught him real good.

Chapter 38(part 2): Can Big Woody Pull It Out?

Tuesday, October 17 2:16 PM PT

With his newfound companions trailing 1-0 in the bottom of the ninth, Philatio could stand idly by no longer. Christopher was already on first base following a two out walk and Kris, who was 0-4 with 4 K's at that point, was coming to the plate. Philatio ran effeminately out of the dug out and grabbed the bat out of Kris' hands and said, "Have a seat honey, I'm gonna win this game." When Kris tried to take the bat back, Philatio beat him about the head until his body lie motionless in the on deck circle. As he approached the batter's box, Philatio made a mental note to sodomize Kris' corpse after the game. The pitcher quickly worked the count to 0-2. Then, as the pitcher went into his windup and delivered his next pitch, Philatio...