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I Like My Vagina I like my vagina, because it's shaped just right I like my vagina, sometimes I rub it all night All that dead skin makes it that much more appealing I touch it all the time, but I don't tire of the feeling I start feeling up my shoulders, then work my way below Oh Jesus! Did I say vagina? I meant to say elbow! It Would Probably Be Hard To Crucify An Elephant For starters, those bastards weigh a ton So getting a big strong crane would surely be job one Have fun nailing down those awfully chubby wrists Hercules could give it a try, but only if you insists And the cross, my friend, the most daunting task of all Who could make it strong enough to ensure it doesn't fall? Ahh, to hell with it, just shoot the fucker Leggo My Legos Hey, put down my legos, asshole Rectalfication (Bowel Maintenance) Won't your anus yield pooh? Haste makes waste, so why can't you? It's time to wash away your worries Eat some bran, you'll shit in flurries When feces are clogging your tired caboose Take in some fiber to knock it all loose That dung that is slowing up all your plumbing? After an enema, you'll be amazed at how loose it's all becoming Do all your friends tell you that you are full of shit? Then scrub out your bowels and rid yourself of it Skin Why should I even take in breath If I am just to bleed to death? Because that is exactly what I would do If I weren't inside of you In simple terms, you're just a bag You start out firm, then start to sag Sometimes you get dirty, and so you form zits Some parts of you are smelly, e.g. the armpits You're what keeps my insides in My epidermis, i.e. my skin To Japan Iran There are camels in Iran Folks are yellow in Japan In Iran they're named Apu In Japan they're four foot two To Iran I would not go In Japan they say "herro" Ickles O'Brien Psst, hey Ickles, what'd you put for number two? Just give me this one answer and I'll give one to you Okay, hurry, no one's looking, we haven't got much time Let me see your test, Ickles, and then I'll show you mine Towel (Flabbergasted) Can you believe what that wise guy said? He called me Habib 'cause you were on my head You are the best gift any one man could get When you are around, I am never wet I like you so, some ask me why You always seem to get me dry I throw you on the ground in a wet, crumpled mass But you're still there when I need to dry my ass I always see you at the front of the store On, no wait, I guess that's called a door A Kleenex In Megan's Mac and Cheese (Stomach Acid) A kleenex in her mac and cheese Into this rag someone did sneeze If she still eats that mac and cheese She may catch a bad disease Like malaria or something Cow Artist Staring at the canvas now I think that I shall draw a cow If I do, then it shall be The best drawing in history But drawing a cow is not as easy as it may sound They don't just stand and graze, they always run around If you want them to be still Throw a rock at their head Sue Hello there, I am Sue Hi there Sue, and how are you? I am well and I am good Is that ferret made of wood? Blanket I put him on me in the night just so I'll be warm I used him to protect myself when the bees did swarm I wear him so I feel safe I wear him 'til I start to chafe When I'm feeling sad and lonely He is always there to hold me We get along, we never fight When I cry he holds me tight When a bear tried to bite my head He was there to shoot it dead Then one night up in the sky I saw a U.F.O. So I ran into the house and told my blanket so That bastard laughed at me and said I was a liar So I went and grabbed a match and set his ass on fire Harry's New Hat (It's A Toupee) Hey guys, look over there At Harry's hat, it's made of hair He won't remove it, he wears it all day People are snickering 'cause it was made in Taipei Harry told me to shut my trap When I asked about the nifty chin strap In A Pickle The sky is wet and it is green What can such a condition mean? In this world the smell is strong I am quite sure there is something wrong I take a bite of the wall, it makes my throat tickle And now it finally dawns on me, I am in a pickle Living in a pickle is not what I'm about So I must now find a way to hastily get out I can't just stand here and wait for help all day So my only chance is if I eat my way I started to gnaw until up to my head Then I drowned in pickle juice, then I became dead Onion Skin "Hey man, where ya been?" "In the town of Onion Skin" "Oh yeah, where's that?" "It's under my foam cowboy hat" "You're kidding me, how'd you get down there?" "Excuse me sir? How'd I get down where?" "To the town of Onion Skin, underneath your hat" "What the hell are you talking about?" Ode To A Parakeet How I hate it when you tweet You mother fucking parakeet I'm getting my gun out of the shed And so help me God, I'm gonna blow off your head The Fly In My Ointment I'm so upset, I think I'll cry For in my ointment there floats a fly At least he isn't in my soup Shouldn't he be eating poop? That darn fly floating in my ointment The thought of it alone makes me want to throw up Snotrag What's the price? Check the tag I must have that used snotrag It is rough and it is stiff But smells just fine, take a whiff The Day I Went Blind The eclipse the other day is what the big event was Good thing it was lunar, else it would've burned my retnas Then some guy gouged out my eyes from behind And that's what went down the day I went blind Ossie Owl He is a bird, but not a fowl He is my hero, he's Ossie Owl He spends his days sleeping in a tree I'm not afraid to tell you, I wish that were me He's not very old, he is only two When I said, "He called you an owl," he said, "Who?" I was laughing when he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? I'm gonna stick your head up a place where it ain't so sunny" But despite this cruel blow Ossie is still my hero Wall It is high and it is flat Whatcha gonna do about that? I take good care of it and decorate with paint It looked so beautiful, I did nearly faint Then one day the wall was bad, then it went and lied Then when I discovered this, I went home and cried Underwear Normal people wouldn't care To be a pair of underwear In them someone's privates dwell You can surely bet they smell They are sometimes called a holder, sometimes they are huts Sometimes they are for boulders, sometimes they're for nuts Fun Gus (He's A Mushroom!) Just because he's a 'shroom It doesn't mean there's no room For a dose of chicanery He puts the fun in fungus That's why we call him Fun Gus We like his mental insanery Some say he's boring, no sir, that's just a lie I'm here to tell ya he's a mighty fungi Some say he's stupid, but he's funny to us No doubt about it, you're a lot of fun, Gus The laughter won't stop When he breaks out his props Like his trusty banana guns He needs no occasion To launch an invasion Of his skillful shenanigans Among his great props He's got feces and mops Of every variety He hides all his gags Inside of brown paper bags That know no satiety Gus, the tiny elves taunt you no more... Tile Won't you stay here for a while My tannish Spanish ceramic tile Onto the floor I wish you'd stick I've got some glue, that'll do the trick Fergy's Omnipotence Chewing on potato chips There is hair upon my comb Making up myself with care Where the hell's my shirt? Laying down upon my bed Daydreaming of one day owning a pinata I was walking down the hall Unaware of the scarecrow outside Poop (Assdump) After you have pinched your loaf Don't just flush it you stupid oaf Pick it up with a scoop Then you can toss it through a hoop If your poop comes out green It is sure to cause a scene If it causes it a great fog Man oh man, that's quite a log It will surely give you coodies It's mushy stuff, it's grizzly goodies Which Pterodactyl Are You Referring To? If your eyes are closed, you will find It is just like being blind If there's something in your ear You will find you cannot hear If you don't talk, you're called a mute I don't think that's very cute Stool Runnings (The Duece Is Loose) Can't stop that shit from pouring out? A result of too much bran no doubt Gastrointestinal discomfort of sorts? Hope your sphincter's strong, lest you should ruin your shorts I agree, it is quite scary But at least after, there's no dingleberry It just pours out by the tons It's juicy stuff, you've got the runs Out of your butt it loudly shot And man alive, that stuff is hot It hits the water with several plunks Then floats around in small loose chunks It just sits there when on dry ground But in a toilet, it floats around Into a cup you let it drip You dare your mom to take a sip Ever for that pasty clown It always turns the water brown Even if you are a possum You can bet the smell is awesome Even for that poor brown ferret It is so hot, he cannot bare it Claudius Has Big Feet Dogs go woof and birds go tweet And Claudius has great big feet You could live inside his shoe But he is only three foot two You can imagine the size of his toes He uses them to pick his nose He needs a saw to clip his nails When he tries to walk, he sometimes fails When he trips, it gets him down We always tell him to become a clown What will it take to make him see That clown college is where he should be Claudius, with his great big feet Would give the kids a mighty treat But, alas, much to our chagrin We cannot get him to cave in This is the line I will repeat Claudius has great big feet Plump* Plump overloads her grocery cart Can't tell if her legs are together or apart Plump wears her burly-sized pajamas Her ass alone is the size of Alabama She's plump She's plump She's plump She's plump She's quite rotund She weighs a ton Plump's last in line when they're servin' wheat Plump's first in line when they're sellin' discount meat Plump's ass is large, it's might grand Upon her ass the planes all try to land Chorus Plump was so hungry she ate a man Then washed it down with monkeys in a can She could cover the Goodyear Blimp with her sheets At a movie theater she takes up all the seats Does this Plump have too much girth? I think so *=written by Sean and Kyle Boogers I. Slim Pickin's If you really cannot smell And you're thinking, "What the hell?" Get something to clear out your nose Use your fingers, and/or your toes Borrow a pencil from a friend Just be sure it doesn't bend When you're finished, you're not quite through This is what you've got to do If you're near one and are able Stick it underneath a table You needn't be very tall To wipe a booger on the wall Now, now, be sure to share Go and put one on that chair Wherever you put them, just don't worry They will dry up in a hurry II. Wiped Out I was walking down the hall I put a booger on the wall When I was laying on my bed I wiped a booger on my head I was talking with my friend Tom When I put a booger on my mom When I thought that I was out I found some more, no more drought! Over there, what is that? I put a booger on your hat Who is that over hence? He put a booger on that fence Twinkle, twinkle little star What's that green thing on your car? Trying hard to swat a fly I put a booger in your eye Out of my glass I dare not sip I'll get a booger on my lip If you lay down in that space You'll get a booger on your face Putting on a brand new tire I can set a boog on fire Poopstains in my underwear Here's to boogers in your hair My hand won't work, I use a twig Man, that booger's mighty big! Good and Plenty, Things of Such So many boogers, way too much Weedwhacker A bowl of rice, a lazy slacker Come and see the new weedwhacker Watch him whack down all those weeds That's all a fella really needs After he has had some practice He will try to whack a cactus My Favorite Kind Of Cookie My favorite kind of cookie, could it be chocolate chip? I do often eat this kind, with lots of milk to dip But now, on second thought, it might be oreos They are just the perfect size to put into my nose And when I'm sure they're up there real nice and tight A blow them out into my hand and take a big ol' bite When I put them up my nose they get covered up with snot It gives them that gooey taste that plain old milk cannot Even though that might sound good, this is so sweet on the tongue Take any kind of cookie and put it in your bung Why should you do this? Come on now, don't be a fool Nothing sweetens up a cookie like a steaming heap of stool But if you think that that sounds good, wait 'til you hear this Try a little snickerdoodle drenched in your own piss Well, I do know that Chewbacca is a wookie But I just can't decide on my favorite kind of cookie The Pen I'm Writing With Has A Greyish Hue Oh my, what shall I do? The pen I'm writing with has a greyish hue This pen has no hair, thus it can't be nappy This grey pen is so sad, gee it's quite unhappy In conclusion, I say this unto you The pen I am writing with has a greyish hue Curmudgeon I was a boy scout, I did many good deeds Willing to do what I could to fulfill somebody's needs One day was going awfully slow, the clock didn't seem to be budgin' But then at the crosswalk, I saw a grumpy old curmudgeon Well, being a boy scout, I thought I'd help her cross the road I never would have attempted this if only I had knowed... When I tried to take her arm to lead her way across She threw at my person a pack of dental floss Needless to say, I would not tolerate this behavior Especially since I was this old hag's savior I tried again to take her arm, she quickly snapped it back I was only trying to help her out, why not cut me some slack? Well, I figured that accepting help was not what she was all about So, my only choice was to knock the old bitch out She fell to the ground after just a single punch Then I picked her up and dragged her by her old woman hunch After dragging her for only a couple feet I though, "Screw this," and left her lying in the street If There Were A Doughnut Big Enough If there were a doughnut big enough To live inside would not be tough Chocolate filled is my fave Hey there, how's your steak that I prepared for you here in the comfort of my new home that is inside a doughnut? Calculator On The Table A calculator on the table I tell no lie, this is no fable I can use it to add and times Or throw it at those scary mimes No you may not call me Mr. Ed Oops! He was being such a nut When a surprise came out his butt While everyone else sang and danced He had partially pooped his pants He had hoped that no one heard He hoped no one smelled his turd But it rang out like a bell That very noxious poodoo smell Toward the pot he tried to walk Then he heard them start to talk He could hear them laugh and tease As he lamented his soiled undies You should have heard the things they said As his face turned bright red He dropped to the floor and began to cry He looked up to the sky and he cried out, "Why? Why didn't I just sing and dance In lieu of crapping in my pants?" Then he woke up with a scream It was nothing but a dream He got up to use the can And found poodoo in his hand Frosty Beverage Smellyhead Wet his bead Simon said To make some bread Hey everybody, look at that giant frog dancing on top of that flagpole! Rectum You need rubber gloves if you're gonna inspect one It's your poop chute, aka, your rectum It's your poop's path, you mustn't spoil it It goes through here on its way to the toilet Go to a movie at the nearest cinema Got warm water? Give yourself an enema In closing, I say this unto you You're rectum's the place from whence comes your pooh Throne O' Porcelain If you've got to take a pee There's no better place to be It will flush right down the drain So don't you worry, just let it rain If you've got to take a poop Perch atop the porcelain hoop Parents, teach your sons and daughters To drop that dung right in the water 'Cause once in a while it sticks to the side Every time I've seen this, I've broken down and cried Lawnmower If I could only cut the grass It would help the day to pass I'd get out there on that lawn And my dear mower, I dub thee Ron I would push him through the yard It would help me burn some lard When the yard is good and done I wait a week, then have more fun Pineapple Pants How much are those pineapple pants in the window? How much could those pineapple pants be? I'll go ask the salesman, I'll betcha he'd know That is the finest pair I ever did see Custom fit beyond my wishes And when I sit, oh how it squishes So next time you're in France If you get the chance Be sure to pick up some pineapple pants They're all custom made But all the same shade Although they don't last they're worth what you paid They dry up real quick The juice makes you stick If you tried to eat them, you'd probably get sick Although you pay There's still the day When your pants will dry up and blow away. Alas Say That Again You be over, I'll be there Together we'll be over there I'll be six and you be seven Add us up and you get whatever sum six plus seven yields I'll be ham if you'll be turkey Slice us up and boy we're hurtin' I'll be a hand, you be the mayo Make me a sandwich but hold yourself You can be the coat and I will be the tie Unless you want to be the tie In which case I'd be glad to be the coat B.E.B. Bear One day I walked into a bear And accidentally messed his hair I plugged my nose, but I still sneezed I could tell he was none too pleased On his face I had blown snot Thus, I was scared and he was not I thought he would make a fist and punch me in the face But instead he wrapped me up in a warm embrace Right then I had a thought I hold to this day I am almost positive that this bear was gay I was quite afraid of him because he was so talls But I aimed between his legs and kicked him in the balls He grabbed his nuts and then fell over straight down to the ground While the bear was laying there he didn't make a sound I thought he had a broken ball In this I found no humor at all Even though this bear was gay I decided I would stay But I would crush his other nut If he tried to grab my butt I would hurt him in this way If he tried to make me gay Floating Down River Floating down river on a piece of wood If you ask me, life is not so good As I'm floating down the river I get cold and start to shiver As I float I start to fret The fish are spitting at me, getting me wet Hey, Where Did My Head Go? I wonder why I am not dead I wonder this because I have lost my head On my neck it did not stay It just up and rolled away It is somewhere out of reach I should have bought my head a leash How could this happen? It is not right I guess it wasn't on too tight Tell me please, where did it go? How is my body talking? I do not know I am a body looking for a head Shouldn't my head be looking instead? Bo Nose Hair You think you're running low on hair? Check your nose, there's plenty there You get so mad, you want to smash Those who think it's a mustache People laugh, they slap their knees They say you're a party favor when you sneeze Freddy the Three-Eyed Elephant He is an elephant and he's got three eyes Making fun of him would be quite unwise During his life, his temper's been rotten Because of all the teasings he's gotten You've never seen the tantrums he's thrown So if you were smart you'd leave him alone If you were to tease him, this is what he'd do He'd get a running start and run right over you If after this you still are not dead He'll unleash some hot dung on your head When he does this, the smell isn't great But not only will you stink, you'll also suffocate So if you're around him and you want to live Remember, about his third eye, he's very sensitive Remember to the grave how many people he's sent Remember not to tease Freddy, the three-eyed elephant Hey There, How's Your Steak? Bite your tongue, don't let it break Go and jump into a lake Stay underwater until you drown What are you, some kind of clown? Hey Philatio, What Rhymes With Anus? Not to complain, but it's driving me insane Why put the "us" at the end of the "an" Minus the "us" it would rhyme so much better So why all the fuss over one measley letter? If we called it an ain, we'd have lots more choices When the monkey urine rains, the Chinese crowd rejoices (yea) But we should make the best of a bad situation Pity, such a bad word in such a funny location Wee Like Roy See how he's poised and positioned like this? That's how a learned old fellow goes piss Get a firm grip on your puny little nub Or else you'll go spraying on the floor or in the tub Hunch your shoulders and stare intently at the target Don't do it while you're driving, you'll get your mother's new car wet Sometimes Roy will pee with just a single hand So the other is then free to fondle a nearby man The reason he pees in this homo way Is, to be quite frank, because he's one of those gays So if you want a model for peeings best technique Roy, above all, is the man that you should seek If, however, you want advice to land some nice hot chicks Roy is not the guy you want, 'cause he likes the ones with dicks Sans Undies He likes to show his body to the kindergarten crowd He gets his kicks by being nude even though it's not allowed He likes the kids to see his winkie, you know their parents don't approve He thinks it's really kinky when they see his penis move Gaynine Don't bother teaching him to sit or to beg He's too preoccupied with humping my leg Of course, this practice is anything but rare But in this case, it is only men who need beware But his intentions are not always solely to molest Sometimes all he wants is to put his head on your chest There's no question that he acts in a peculiar way But who am I to judge him, he's just a dog that happens to be gay I've been wise to his queerness now for a while But who am I to question this homo doggie's style? The Birdpeople That Nest On My Testicles I. Preface People do often call me a putz But at least I have birdpeople living on my nuts People say I should make them go, but I let them be On my balls I let them stay, and they stay for free Sure they try to pay me rent, I just give it back 'Cause I just love to have them there, living in my sack II. Rebellion Lately the birdpeople have seemed awfully ungrateful Even, at times, they seem downright hateful One day I was sitting on the counter worshiping the ground When I was interrupted by a freakish chirping sound I opened my eyes to a sight that just could not be An eyeful of the ugliest kiester you'd ever want to see I started to cry, distraught by what I saw Then fell face first into a pile of stale cole slaw III. Bye Bye Birdies I don't know the cause, and I refuse responsibility For this newly developed sense of hostility Sure I've held them prisoner inside my hairy scrotum But I was a friend to them when no one even knowed 'em Although we've been together only a few days I think it is time we went our separate ways Bladder His name, it does not matter All you need know is he had a weak bladder He was playing in a tree All of a sudden, he had to pee He jumped down to the ground He was shocked at the sound He could hear his pants go slosh He started thinking, "Oh my gosh!" He had hoped it was just a spot But then he saw there was a lot His wet spot he tried to cover Too embarrassed to show his muver He tried to cover with some dirt This dampness that went up to his shirt His plan turned out to be a dud Because now his pants were covered in mud He quickly turned and ran inside The others laughed, but he just cried Hey, Why's There A Banjo On My Knee? I awoke early on one spring morn In the knee of my pants a hole had been torn The cause of this hole I did not know I wished then that I had learned to sew Then on my knee I saw something did grow Much to my dismay, it was a banjo A Cool Breeze Going downhill on a sled Is a wooly condomhead Sliding downhill on a sled Is no longer a wooly condomhead When the sled hit a patch of grass His hat flew off. Alas Hey, Get Your Finger Out Of There Take a ham, be sure to smoke it If someone asks, just say Hal broke it Ride the stairs up to the top Wipe them clean with your trusty mop Hey, where did this wooly condomhead hat come from? Swimming In Spaghetti O's I'm swimming in spaghetti o's They keep going around my toes I am afraid of the meatballs For upon me I fear they shall falls Into the o's I happily dive From what I've seen, it's quite crowded in a bee hive Now I'm Swimming In A Pot Of Boiling Water That Is All Greasy Because Someone Just Cooked Some Hot Dogs In It YIKES! THAT'S HOT! Eddie's Undies (G-String Man) He's wearing silk pajamas He wants some slinky underwear He'd like to wear his mama's But they're full of pubic hair You know he shakes the poor earth Running down the ice cream man In fact, he's got so much girth He could wrestle in Japan He's trying on a g-string for a special night He wants to get a pair that'll wedge real tight He's not concerned he's overweight He likes to make his blubber shake He's fat enough to eat a cow But smart enough not to do it It's easy enough to put in his mouth But it's mighty tough to chew it He's a G-Sting Man... He should really cover his ass When he's lyin' in the sun He's being laughed at by the girls that pass In awe of his fat hairy buns He likes to scope the coastline To find himself some tail But when he's lying beachside He looks like a washed up whale Bought a brand new g-string to wear on the beach So the ladies could get an eyeful of his chubby cheeks He doesn't care his cheeks hang low The chicks dig him, they just don't know He's suave enough to bag the babes Just not enough time to do it 'Cause flabby butts are all the rage If you wanna get right down to it He's a G-String Man...