Top Ten Plots Under Consideration For Second "Next Generation" Film
Top Ten Rejected Star Trek Merchandising Tie-Ins
Top Ten Reasons Bajor Should Be Admitted To The Federation
Top Ten Tourism Slogans In The Star Trek Universe
Top Ten Least Popular Courses At Starfleet Academy
Top Ten Best Things About Being A Star Trek Fan Online
Top Ten Worst Things About Being A Star Trek Fan Online
Top Ten Scenes Cut From "Voyager" Premiere
Top Ten Things That Keep Rick Berman Awake At Night
Top Ten Starfleet General Orders Other Than The Prime Directive
Top Ten Effects Of Star Trek On The O.J. Simpson Trial
Top Ten Yet-To-Be-Revealed Attributes Of U.S.S. Voyager
Top Ten Pet Peeves of Dr. Beverly Crusher
Top Ten Replies Placed In USS Enterprise-D Complaint/Suggestion Box
Top Ten Things Worf Looks For In A Woman
Top Ten Ways Updated 24th-Century "Mirror Universe" Will Be Different From "Regular" One
Top Ten Ferengi Pickup Lines
Top Ten 24th-Century Answering Machine Messages
Data's Top Ten Attempts at Humor
Top Ten Highlights of 25th-Anniversary Star Trek Convention
Top Ten Rejected Names for Classes of Starships
Top Ten Most Difficult Star Trek Top Ten Lists To Write
Top Ten Ways the Borg Get Funky
Top Ten Immediate Effects of Heavy Federation Losses at Wolf 359
Top Ten Rejected UPN Shows
Top Ten Signs You're In Love With Odo
Top Ten Reasons Star Trek is Better Than Star Wars
Top Ten Changes if Troi Became Captain of the Enterprise
Top Ten Worst Ways Odo Could Tell Major Kira He Loves Her
TOP TEN PLOTS UNDER CONSIDERATION FOR SECOND "NEXT GENERATION" MOVIE
10. Will Riker busts Tom Riker out of Cardassian prison, they go on intergalactic crime spree
9. Beverly Crusher and Jean-Luc Picard get married, then she accidentally shrinks the kids with experimental ray. Hilarity ensues.
8. Data succeeds in creating island of giant androids
7. Guest star Marlon Brando spends entire film kissing different characters
6. Angered by death of parents at Khitomer, Worf dons "Targman" outfit and fights crime. Alexander becomes "Rokeg," the Klingon Boy Wonder
5. Three words: Driving Miss Guinan
4. Data dies saving ship from the Exodus Device, devised by Picard's former lover
3. Holodeck on Enterprise-E malfunctions, entire movie takes place on holographic sailing ship
2. Troi and Geordi go undercover as Pakleds
1. Picard and company must go back in time to get rid of two whales who are ruining Earth's environment
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN REJECTED STAR TREK MERCHANDISING TIE-INS
10. McDonald's Genuine Ferengi Moogieburgers
9. Fizzbin Soda
8. The Bashirito from Taco Bell
7. Limited-edition album of The Rembrants singing "Do the Odo"
6. Bajoran Nose Bottle Opener
5. Old Alexander Brand Aftershave
4. Nabisco Granola Nannites
3. Kai Winn to be spokeswoman for "Buchanan in 1996" campaign
2. The Klingon Wonderbra
1. The Positronic Clapper
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN REASONS BAJOR SHOULD BE ADMITTED TO THE FEDERATION
10. They're tired of arguing amongst themselves, ready to argue with other planets in UFP
9. Kai Winn could get a seat on the Federation Council, stir up some REAL trouble
8. Major Kira would look fantastic in a Starfleet uniform
7. Would make Cardassians even more paranoid
6. Bajoran earring craze could sweep Earth, make everyone look "cool"
5. Mystical Orbs could be mounted on all Starfleet ships, used as navigational beacons
4. Geologists could study errie similarity of Bajoran countryside to area around Los Angeles, California
3. It would be fun to see Bajoran Vediks cut fingers trying to read a Vulcan's "pagh"
2. Deep Space Nine could finally get a Gap
1. Maybe then the Prophets would help find USS Voyager
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN TOURISM SLOGANS IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE
10. Betazed: We Know You Want To Come Here
9. In the Demilitarized Zone Colonies, there's never a dull moment!
8. Ski for your life on Rura Penthe
7. Nimbus III: Fan Dance Capital of the Quadrant
6. Visit Vulcan
5. Cardassia Prime, Where The Trains Run on Time
4. Risa: Bring your Horgon
3. If you don't have a good time on Qo'Nos, we'll kick the crap out of you!
2. The Oomarian Nebula: Thirty Million Gallons of Founders Can't Be Wrong
1. Romulus: Everything you've heard about us is Jolan Tru!
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR COURSES AT STARFLEET ACADEMY
10. Admiral Uniform Design
9. Anthropology 502: Mating Habits of the Pakled
8. Crashing Starships on Planets
7. Literature 404: The Knock-Knock Joke In Vulcan Literature
6. Jim KirkÕs Women: A Career Retrospective
5. Engineering 101: Inflating Repair Estimates
4. Horta Wrestling
3. Klingon Cuisine (lab)
2. Statistics 300: The Data On Command Baldness
1. Android Studies: The Role of Mechanicals in Federation History
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING A STAR TREK FAN ONLINE
10. Internet allows you to nitpick actors' performances before they air
9. You'll never be again placed in embarrassing situation by not being able to think of way to incoporate "Spam" into conversations
8. Cyber-Shatner actually 15% leaner
7. Unlike conventions, can discuss Star Trek without rigorous social demands like eye contact.
6. Lingering hope that, with a fast enough modem, you might actually be beamed into the Star Trek universe
5. "Simming" allows you to see what a starship would be like if run by Three Stooges
4. Online hugs, kisses carry little or no risk of infectious disease transmission
3. Maybe that person you impressed online will turn out to be Bill Gates, who will order truckloads of money delivered to your home
2. It's cheaper than phone sex, also more satisfying
1. No one has to know that your "Starfleet uniform" really consists of Underoos and your mothers' lavender gardening gloves
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN WORST THINGS ABOUT BEING A STAR TREK FAN ONLINE
10. Most major online services will still kick you off for wanton use of the term "Koenig"
9. Meet guy who claims to be Rick Berman; it turns out it's 12-year-old Norwegian girl
8. Modern technology does not allow Patrick Stewart to send e-mail in rich, Shakespearean accent
7. People who can't spell "Troi"
6. America Online guides constantly telling people to "check TOS," without providing suggestions as to which episodes
5. Babylon-5 fans still allowed to roam freely, without medication
4. Being called a "cyber-geek" at school hurts just as much as when they just called you "geek"
3. Morons who drop in to a room, hang out for an hour, then say "Star Treck sux. Get a life, loosers."
2. Fingertip chafing
1. Suggestive e-mail to Gates McFadden can result in FBI monitoring
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN SCENES CUT FROM VOYAGER PREMIERE
10. Pre-mission briefing in which Starfleet Security places top-secret surveillance equipment inside Janeway's massive hairdo
9. All three Neelix raggae numbers
8. Kes being brought back from brink of death by audicence clapping and repeating "I do believe in fairies! I do believe in fairies!"
7. Chakotay's Indian wrestling pitted against Tuvok's Vulcan neck pinch
6. The holographic toupee
5. Cleverly disguised product placement in which Torres' human side likes the whole wheat goodness, while her Klingon side likes the frosting
4. Christening of ship by Admiral Saavik
3. Scene with Tom Paris' prison cellmate, Berlinghoff Rasmussen
2. Humorous interlude when Horta officer gets drunk of ship's neural gel-packs
1. Chakotay's OTHER tattoo
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN THINGS THAT KEEP RICK BERMAN AWAKE AT NIGHT
10. Drive-by laser attacks from bitter Babylon-5 fans
9. Lingering heartburn from Paramount commissary chili
8. Secret fear that his parents were members of Q Continuum
7. Drunken fans who call looking for Spock's phone number
6. When Michael Medved criticizes lack of proper values in Duras family
5. Rosemary Clooney's demand for a cameo in next movie
4. Nervous tic when comparing Patrick Stewart's salary to own
3. His invisible Pakled friend Bertie
2. Nagging feeling that heavy workload is hampering his singing career
1. Due to poorly-negotiated contract, must work Wednesdays and Fridays as night watchman at studio lot
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN STARFLEET GENERAL ORDERS OTHER THAN THE PRIME DIRECTIVE
10. Order 13: No flag officer shall be required to perform a fan-dance
9. Order 101: No transmissions on an open channel may contain the term "gnarly"
8. Order 4: Pony tails are only allowed for peronnel who have whacked a guy with a bat'leth
7. Order 21: Phaser rifles may no longer be used to warm cheeseburgers
6. Order 993: During first contact situations, senior officers are discouraged from telling alien races that they "smell like old socks"
5. Medical Regulation 702-B: All cheese products must report for annual physical
4. Order 218: Unused bridge stations be used for "Mortal Kombat" tournaments only in drydock
3. Order 8: When the Prime Directive is violated, the nearest starbase shall convene a court-martial to determine if it was a dramatic necessity
2. Order 66: When in a parking orbit over a non-Federation world, "The Club" should be locked in position over Conn and Ops stations
1. Order 231: If bridge officers wish to chew gum, they must bring enough for entire bridge crew
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN EFFECTS OF STAR TREK ON THE O.J. SIMPSON TRIAL
10. During opening of each court day, bailiffs blow electronic bosun's whistle
9. Jurors, in heavy makeup, given walk-on parts on Deep Space Nine season finale
8. Kato's description of career: "I look for things to make me go."
7. Donald Schapiro overheard telling F. Lee Bailey to "beam THIS up, fathead"
6. "Dream Team" suggestion that killings may have been perpetrated by Founder disguised as O.J.
5. Mark Fuhrman's surprise witness-stand revelation that he hates Vulcans
4. Judge Ito now ends sidebars with a curt "Engage!"
3. Marcia Clark flirted with Janeway-style "giant bun" hairdo
2. Evidence suggesting police may have misread tricorder reading on bloody socks
1. Two jurors dismissed after heated debate over which was better: "YesterdayÕs Enterprise" or "The Best of Both Worlds"
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN YET-TO-BE-REVEALED ATTRIBUTES OF U.S.S. VOYAGER
10. Secret compartment for curing hams
9. Side-impact airbags
8. Neural gel-packs come in strawberry, lime, and grape
7. In addition to doctor, ship comes equipped with holographic waiter, carpenter, and insurance claims-adjuster
6. Button on captain's chair that activates emergency isolinear plot device
5. Curb feelers
4. Like all starships, supply of rocks hidden in bulkheads to make explosions more dramatic
3. Life-sized statue of Sally Struthers in all crew quarters
2. Sonic showers set to pleasing Motown beat
1. Disco lights in officer's mess allow it to pull double duty as dancehall
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN PET PEEVES OF DR. BEVERLY CRUSHER
10. Without Wesley on board, now only has pet bird to discipline
9. Men with hair
8. People who constantly say "What's up, Doc?"
7. Ensigns in subspace mailroom always thumb through her hardcopy of "Dancin' & Beamin'" magazine
6. Leonard McCoy always pinched her bottom during exams at Starfleet Medical Academy
5. People who expect her to have raging temper to match red hair. She could just KILL THEM!!! OOOOOH!
4. Worf's annual stool sample
3. As soon as she fills out medical release form for some Away Team guy....BOOM!
2. Dr. Selar refuses to engage in chummy Sickbay banter
1. Dammit, she's a doctor, not a hairstyle model!
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN REPLIES PLACED IN USS ENTERPRISE (D) SUGGESTION/COMPLAINT BOX
10. Guinan always too busy solving problems of bridge crew to refill my Bud Light
9. Lousy replicator cheeseburgers/Glare from Captain's head (tie)
8. Holodeck babes play hard to get
7. Holodeck guys too much like real thing....tend to sit around in underwear and drink beer
6. No one ever changes the posters in Officer's Mess
5. When I wasn't looking, someone swiped my cheesecake
4. Data whistles all #(%*(&#$ night
3. Cheesecake crumbs all over Riker's uniform
2. Troi never in gym when I'm there
1. We need sonic showers that don't drain warp engines
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN THINGS WORF LOOKS FOR IN A WOMAN
10. Good ridges
9. Authoritative voice and manner
8. Overbite
7. Good right hook
6. Must be able to throw things at over 50 m.p.h.
5. Endurance
4. Willing to make prune juice
3. Likes "Journey" albums
2. Doesn't mind no public displays of affection
1. Won't show up two years later with a kid
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN WAYS THE UPDATED 24th CENTURY "MIRROR UNIVERSE" WILL BE
DIFFERENT FROM "REGULAR" ONE
(obviously, written before DS9's "Crossover" and "Through the Looking Glass")
10. Kirk is STILL ALIVE!!! (GASP!)
9. Picard? Blown to bits by Ferengi
8. Worf leads Klingon Pacifists Party
7. Troi is love-slave.....not much different
6. Riker owns restaurant on Pluto
5. Data has blue skin, speaks with Cajun accent
4. Wesley: dopey athletic kid
3. Guinan looks more like Shirley Maclaine
2. Borg tend to swarm through system, challenge planets to game of mah-
johnng.
1. Velvet uniforms never went out of style
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN FERENGI PICKUP LINES
10. "Nice teeth!"
9. "You know, if we allowed our women to wear clothes, you'd look great in
red."
8. "I'm a Daemon hot for gamin'!"
7. "Wanna dance? I'm almost four-foot-six!"
6. "Yep, I must have run away from every ship in Starfleet...."
5. "Need a light?"
4. "Oooh....nice tax avoidance scheme!"
3. "How 'bout I show my my phaser burns?"
2. "Wow! What a lisp!"
1. "You know, in this light....your head looks just like a human butt."
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN 24th CENTURY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
10. "Hi, I'm not in the system right now....."
9. "Hello. This is Lieutenant Commander Data, and I am not less perfect than Lore. Please leave a message on my positronic answering machine."
8. "This is Odo...I'm in my bucket right now, but if you'll leave a message..."
7. "You have engaged my machine. Please make it
so I can hear your message when I return"
6. "Qa'pla! Leave the message of a warrior!! "
5. "Hi, this is the Borg...we're not taking any calls right now, but if you'll leave the name and coordinates of your planet, we'll conquer and assimilate you as soon as possible."
4. "You have reached Admiral Saavik. Leave a message."
3. "This is the residence of Ambassador Spock. I am presently on Romulus, where I expect to spend the rest of my life."
2. "Zizqat. Pecnjne asdncw venderkret. Mooshj"
1. "Hailing frequencies open!!"
***Return to Index***
DATA'S TOP TEN (PRE-GENERATIONS) ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR
10. "Say...is that your computer's interface terminal, or did its bilinear isolinear matrix subprocessor default to its primary setting?"
9. "Take my wires...please?"
8. "Inquiry: Why did the bipedal fowl laterally transverse the paved transportation surface?...Answer: In order to relocate at the new coordinates!"
7. "A man and an android walk into a bar. The man says to the android: 'I am thirsty.' The android goes berzerk and kills him."
6. "I have a positronic funny bone."
5. "My wife is so ugly that she is visually unappealing."
4. "342.47 megahertz? Bn46.2945 - 34z!!"
3. Putting "I brake for the Borg" stickers all over the ship.
2. "Whoo...it is so hot today that I may have to activate my internal thermostat!"
1. Walking around with that goofy smile from "Data's Day."
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN HIGHLIGHTS OF 25th ANNIVERSARY TREK CONVENTION
10. Arm-wrestling match between Majel Barrett and Mark Lenard for coveted "Most Versatile" award.
9. Kiss-a-Betazoid Booth
8. Captain Kirk's Universe of Toupees Exhibit
7. World-A-Velour!
6. Locks of the stars' hair: Walter Koenig - $.50, Gates McFadden - $1.50, Patrick Stewart - $500.00
5. Advance screening of Star Trek VI followed by free distribution of Kleenex.
4. Special two-hour "In Search Of..." retrospective in which Leonard Nimoy reveals that he really is Spock
3. All-You-Can-Eat Tribble Buffet
2. James Doohan and LeVar Burton on 24-hour call to fine-tune conventioneers' cars.
1. Unveiling of new line of "Guardian of Forever" Underoos.
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN REJECTED NAMES FOR CLASSES OF STARSHIPS
(with special assistance from Amy Vincent)
10. Titanic Class
9. Rutabaga Class
8.Dust Bunny Class
7. Kirk's Toupee Class
6. Plomeek Class
5. Proletariat Class
4. High School Graduating Class
3. Expendable Class (security vessels only)
2. Saddam Class
1. Sombrero Class
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN MOST DIFFICULT STAR TREK TOP TEN LISTS TO WRITE
10. Top Ten Alien Foods Riker Won't Sample
9. Top Ten Things That Make Worf Giddy as a Schoolgirl
8. Top Ten Hair Stylists Favored by Jean-Luc Picard
7. Top Ten Vulcan Adult Movie Theaters
6. Top Ten Reasons The Klingons and Romulans Love Each Other So
5. Top Ten Signs William Shatner Got Swindled at the Oscars
4. Top Ten Ways the Borg Get Funky
3. Top Ten Real-Life Opportunities for Trekkies
2. Top Ten Ferengi Charities
1. Top Ten Reasons Tip O'Neill Embodied the Star Trek Dream
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN WAYS THE BORG GET FUNKY
10. Assimilating a culture to jazz music
9. Crushing the strong
8. Playing "Uno" in collective consciousness
7. Finger painting
6. Crushing the weak
5. Blowing selves to smithereens
4. Kegger!
3. Crushing those somewhere between strong and weak
2. Lambada Night/Watching "Cops" (tie)
1. Burritos, burritos, burritos
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN IMMEDIATE RESULTS OF THE FEDERATION'S HEAVY LOSSES AT WOLF 359
10. Admirals may no longer use starships solely to impress dates.
9. Package delivery really, really hampered.
8. Now everyone has the opportunity to be the only ship in the sector!
7. List of "retired" NCC numbers jumped 25% in one hour
6. Night before "Active Ship Roster" quiz, students in Starfleet Academy's Fleet Operations 101 class can go out and party instead of pulling an all-nighter like last year's class
5. Certain entrepeneurs left with a huge glut of "I Kicked Some Borg Butt At Wolf 359" T-shirts
4. Special "War and Dismemberment" mini-series planned
3. Utopia Planetia Shipyards, Inc. stock up 340%
2. Sudden upturn in number of people applying for Space Salvage license
1. Sector renamed "Sheep 359"
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN REJECTED UPN SHOWS
(By Kent Tegels, snake1701d@aol.com)
10. Sisko and Son. Cardassians regain of contol of DS9. Ben and Jake now forced to sell junked Jem'Hadar ships.
9. Treskallian Night Fights. Attention all Drill Thralls, we are looking for your best competitors. 50,000 quadlues on the newcomers.
8. Painting with Sulu. Bob Ross watch out! George Takei makes a pretty mean batch of happy trees.
7. Bajor Crossfire. On the right, Kai Winn. On the left, Kira.
6. Captain Kirkagroo. This idea failed because we couldn't get Nimoy to play Mr. Green(Blood)Jeans.
5. Pig Sty. Was to be introduced as Neelix's Playhouse. (Stab, twist, twist)
4. Pari$. Tom Paris plays the part of a PI on a gambling planet. Frequent guest staring roles for Avery Brooks as a tough guy named "Pigeon."
3. Crusher, MD. Hired by the city of LA, Beverly becomes chief medical examiner. Each week, a new Red Shirt named Jack is murdered by a devious bald headed guy. Lance Ito to play the happy-go-lucky side kick "Sam."
2. This Old Space Station. Scott and LaForge, now living together on Risa, tour old Federation facilities installing much need toliets.
1. Eight is Enough. No, not what you are thinking. In this series, the Father (Bill Shatner) is mortally wounded each week in combat, proving that eight movies with him is quite enough.
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ODO
(By Amy Marquez, armamm@aol.com)
10. You think this whole "in love with Kira" (as if!) thing is designed to make YOU jealous
9. Fond of expressing affection to a pail of dirty water, in case he decides to surprise you one day.
8. Killed the first Cardassian extra you saw after that torture episode.
7. Queasy feeling when you here Lwaxana Troi is coming to DS9
6. Suddenly, your 8x10 of O'Brian seems so childish.
5. Have given yourself a number of severe wounds trying to liquify OWN body.
4. Dream about late nights alone in OPS with him, naked.
3. Have considered wasting Sisko so he'll get promoted.
2. Find distinctive facial feature less and less attractive.
1. Overwhelming, unexplainable desire to see "Benson" reruns.
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN REASONS STAR TREK IS BETTER THAN STAR WARS
(By Sarah Rasher, uuaa78a@prodigy.com)
10. Deanna Troi discarded the bun after one season. Princess Leia still has those donut braids.
9. Worf's speech is at least intelligible, but Harrison Ford has to translate for Chewbacca.
8. Star Trek villains do NOT have asthma.
7. Star Wars spawned "Battlestar Galactica." The worst Star Trek ever did was "Babylon Five."
6. Spock-- 'nuff said.
5. Star Trek-- the first space shuttle. Star Wars-- a hare-brained nuclear defense system.
4. Kirk met God and told him off; Sisko met Q and decked him flat; Luke Skywalker met Yoda and was speechless.
3. Star Wars androids look like electronic trash cans on wheels. Star Trek androids look like some people's ideal in masculine beauty.
2. Star Wars: Princess Leia. Star Trek: Lt. Uhura, Nurse Chapel, Yeo. Rand, Lt. Saavik, Cmr. Troi, Dr. Crusher, Lt. Yar, Ens. Ro, Dr. Pulaski, Nurse Ogawa, Amb. K'ehleyr, Amb. Lwaxana Troi, Maj. Kira, Lt. Dax, Kai Winn, Lursa, B'etor, Cmr. Sela, Vash, Adm. Netcheyev, Cpn. Janeway, Lt. Torres, Kes. Hmm. . .
1. Star Trek consists of 7 movies and 4 TV series, a total of approximately 375 hours, a figure climbing at warp speed. Star Wars, despite its following, is limited to 3 movies, a total of about 6 hours.
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN CHANGES IF TROI BECAME CAPTAIN OF THE ENTERPRISE
(By Sarah Rasher, uuaa78a@prodigy.com)
10. Replicators make ice cream you can eat straight from the carton
9. Bon Jovi program on holodeck
8. Captain's ready room repainted in "dusty teal"
7. Women's restroom NEVER runs out of paper towels.
6. Commander Riker required to wear lavender jumpsuit on bridge
5. Thursday afternoon sing-alongs
4. Containment breach renamed "that thing that makes the ship blow up"
3. New motto: "USS Enterprise: the kinder, gentler Galaxy-class starship"
2. Monthly all-ship "diversity seminars" to promote inter-species understanding
1. Ship keeps crashing into planets
***Return to Index***
TOP TEN WORST WAYS FOR ODO TO TELL MAJOR KIRA HE LOVES HER
(By Sarah Rasher, uuaa78a@prodigy.com)
10. Melt in her arms. Literally.
9. "Please sit and entertain me."
8. Arrest her for breaking his heart.
7. Serenade her with "Les Poissons."
6. Hire Quark to send her a singing valentine.
5. "Eternity never looked so beautiful."
4. Turn himself into a living crystal and attach himself to her leg.
3. Send her flowers. Be the card.
2. "Tell me about your sexual organs."
1. Appear at the door to her quarters as Vedek Bareil.
All pages by Nick Gaston
mrrlyn@geocities.com