Fellow colleagues, distinguished members of the press, ladies and gentlemen I would like to take this opportunity to personally and humbly thank each and every one of you For joining us at this particular event It is my hope that we can utilize this meeting of the minds To successfully convey the essence of our platform to you, a grand and noble audience As I look out among the faces, I reflect Taking console in the words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt who said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" Paranoia is a disease unto itself, and may I add, the person standing next to you May not be who they appear to be, so take precaution A mind is a terrible thing to waste, this is true Many a young person has fallen prey to the substances that alter the perspective Of any right thinking individual The problem with the youth today is, because of their inexperience with the world, They cannot attempt to grasp the ideals set forth by myself and those who preceded me But, as history has show, they will come around and embrace our philosophies And become model citizens in their own right, God Bless this great nation
They found James Ambrose dead in his cell A gaping gash in his arm had drained him down to Hell No one knew for sure in Ambrose was his name They called him Yankee Sullivan in early days of fame He'd known the game of fisticuffs had always treated him right But no one knew the men who came and took his life that night He'd spent some time in Botany Bay atoning for his sins He fought a bout with Hammer Lane and took a tainted win He was the hero of the Bowery, a prince of lawless times Then was battered by the "Butcherman" in 1849 He knew the game of fisticuffs, he knew the game of might But no one knew the men who came and took his life one night He knew the game of fisticuffs Lilly and McCoy were shy of a hundred and forty pounds In 1842 they went a hundred and eighteen rounds They begged McCoy to cash it in, he said that he would not Got up and fought one more round then died right on the spot He knew the game of fisticuffs, he knew the game of fight But no one knew the game would come and take his life that night
He was a might golden boy, as gold as ever seen But when he stepped up to the podium, you could tell that boy was mean His arms was made of nickel, and his forehead made of wood An affidavit from the principal says, "This boy just ain't no good" He stood before the union, and he made a solemn oath Uphold the purity of his creed, the others he would toast He worked nights at the liquor mart, and he drank to pad his pay When caught him liftin' 40's, he shot a boy last May His Momma asked why? His lawyer in the courtroom, made a noble plea And the judge he gave him eighteen months, but he was out in three When asked if he ever felt remorse while sittin' up in that pen He said "Hell no, ya know a thief's a thief And I'd shoot the that fucker again"
They broke out in laughter again His lip beaded with sweat as they strapped him in And he stood by and waited to be called The talk was of times that'd gone by And the quantity and quality of women they lie His eyes welled with wet and his mouth had gone dry As he stood by and waited to be called He stood by and waited to be called He stood by and waited like the others before For his turn to go over the falls He got up and tried it again For lack of persistence is surely a sin As he stood by and waited to be called He looked to the lightning with glee And admired his vessel for it's symmetry Feeling twelve units shy of a bachelor's degree As he stood by and waited to be called He stood by and waited to be called He stood by and waited like the others before For his turn to go over the falls
There's a time for lies And a time for truth I say, eye for an eye Eye for a tooth When I roamed young I'd scavenge around Every nook and cranny Of our little town It's nice, so nice, to be Pull out the cannon boys Steal us some wine Puff Tijuana Smalls SHAKE HANDS WITH BEEF She's so fine She's so sweet Mom and Pop they raised her On huge slabs of meat She's fine A man of nine Water derby day Twenty six pumps On a Crossman And it's time to play It's nice, so nice, to be Pull out the cannon boys Steal us some wine Puff Tijuana Smalls SHAKE HANDS WITH BEEF
He's standin' tall at 5 foot 4 With the sharpness of a troubadour I dare you look him in the eye His stench would make a buzzard cry He likes Burt in White Lightning Camelback Cinema In the dark she sat and wait For her steady random date Reflecting back to a time When eager boys would stand in line She likes Burt in White Lightning He's standin' tall at 5 foot 4 Lurking in the corridor He came to buy his weekly whore At Camelback Cinema
When I was born, the doc he held me by my ankles Smacked my red behind They hosed me down, wrapped me like a bean burrito Then marked the date and time Hats off, to the ones that string the beads together And keep the ducks in line Hats off to all the ones that stood before me And taught a fool to rhyme At thirteen, I made myself a motion picture Out of lumps of clay At fourteen, I pulled some weeds and bought a four string Taught myself to play At seventeen, I'd get naked with a beauty queen At the Hot Tub Zone At nineteen, she was livin' hard and snortin' drugs That decayed her bones Hats off to the ones that put it all together And keep their ducks in line Hats off to all the ones that erred before me And taught me how to survive
Pass the pen there Billy Bob, I'll write us up a song Or perhaps I'll pen a sonnet, if the melody sits all wrong Hand me down a crayon, and I'll draw a mighty oak 'Cause of all my brother Masons, I'm the quickest with a joke Catch me in the right light, you'll see my shapes shaped to please And if I shank my trousers down, I'm hung just above the knees You may have difficulty catchin' breath, when you hear my weighty name I'm the one that told you, told you so, they calls me Puddin' Taine Now step on up to dance the dance, and touch the hand that heals Like the tallest hog on Wall Street, I'm a wheelin' all the deals They'll carve my face in marble, they'll etch my name in stone They'll paint my noble portrait, and historify my home You may have difficulty catchin' breath, when you hear my weight name I'm the one that told you, told you so, they calls me Puddin' Taine
Glad you came, glad you're here Have some champagne, imported beer Dig down in your dirt bag And roll us out a spleef Been erect here now for thirteen days And I came to get relief At Bob's Party Time Peck my nose with cocaine Feed my filthy hole Bust out the dancin' women I'm prone to lose control And if by chance I fall down And bust my head on the floor Just wrap my wound in a porterhouse steak And point me towards the shore At Bob's Party Time
Burnin', I feel a burnin' in my stomach I wanna know if I'm a gonna make it If I don't just spread my ashes If I do just spread you mind Swimmin', I see myself a treadin' water I see no signs of any other people There's a heron up above me I lay back and spread my mind Duchess, she used to be a movie maker She used to like to watch the boys watch her And she saved enough money To go to Cal and spread her mind Billy used to follow the Dead with Arnie And they made a hundred thousand dollars But ended up in federal prison Twenty years for spreading minds
Came up on a worried man, asked him if he had a light He reached on down, dug in his shoe, figured in his sock he might He asked if he cold come and join, at what he was partakin' in I says, "Ol' soul if you got a match, you also got yourself a friend" The smoke drew hard but laid in good, the neon gave us extra shine We passed around a flask of Knockando, and a half liter bottle of wine The worried man dropped down to his knees, and let out with a somber groan He looked up to me and when I asked, he said, "I'm just restin' my bones" I looked down at him, and him up at me, then a smile rose above his chin He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me down, said, "Listen to me now my friend" When I was your age I did it all, more than many men could do Now my possessions are the ones I wear on my back, and this lighter I keep in my shoe That's why I'm restin' my bones I'm restin' my bones for the times I fell, fell and hit myself on the ground Restin' my bones for the loneliness, of being the only genius around I'm restin' my bones for prosperity, in hopes that it'll do me some good I'm restin' bones from amphetamines, see they turned teeth to balsa wood I'm restin' bones for Johnny Cash, 'cause for me and mine he's wearin' black I'll be restin' my bones for Elvis, I seen him last week at the track If I'm restin' bones and you come along, just try and tippy toe on by 'Cause when I'm restin' bones I hope to sleep, and maybe slip away and die
I went down to Coddingtown To buy for Lucky Dog Moved on up to Sono-co To clear my head of smog People 'round town they all line up To buy them Chevrolets But me I talked to the Mopar man Been talkin' now for days I went down to Coddingtown It seemed the thing to do You can get it all down there From tennis balls to glue Standin' up in the ol' smoke shop Met a girl named Honey Pie If you shamble long enough You wanna go, you gotta go Bring me on back Lordy, Lordy, Coddigntown That's the place to be Lordy, Lordy, Coddingtown That's the place for me I went down to Coddingtown And met old Santy Claus Beanie Boy got a hold of that beard Nearly yanked it from his jaws I stepped on up to the pizza man And gobbled down some filth I shambled 'round now too damn long I wanna go, I gotta go Bring me on back Lordy, Lordy, Coddingtown That's the place to be Lordy, Lordy, Coddingtown That's the place for me
A B C D E F G H I gotta gal wears her toenails long Drives a red Barracude, singin' meat packer songs And she ain't from Kalamazoo A B C D E F G H I gotta 'friend lived in a Mercedes-Benz Then a '55 Chrysler where the trunk never ends And the plates say Kalamazoo He had a steady job and watched what he spent He'd say I don't believe in payin' no goddamn rent I'll squirrel away every goddamn cent And buy my own damn house in Kalamazoo She turned to the world with a bastard child Said, "I just can't handle him he's too damn wild' But the years and the liquor have made him mild And he lays around Kalamazoo
There was this kid in our neighborhood
His Pop had named him Renegade
He lived up to his name
With all the trouble that he made
One day ol' Renegade
Snuck into the Park Theater downtown
For a laugh he set fire to the screen
Burnt the whole damn place to the ground
He thought that no one would mind
He did that sort of thing all the time
But his Pop was waitin' for him
At age fifteen Renegade
Stole a tow truck from Arnie's Shell
Drove it through the front of a hardware store
Spent the night in a county jail
He didn't seem to mind a bit
He liked the attention he would get
The man he stepped up to the microphone and he gave it a kiss, it was a big wet, slippery kiss And he had sweat dripping off of his nose onto the windscreen As he looked out over the audience he said, "God bless you, God bless you one and all" The he took a can of Ronson lighter fluid and he squirted it over the top of his head And proceeded to light himself on fire As he stood there glowing and said, "Remember this day"
