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My name is Mud Not to be confused with Bill or Jack or Pete or Dennis My name is mud and it's always been 'Cause I'm the most boring sons-a-bitch you've ever seen I dress in blue-yes navy blue >From head to toe I'm rather drab except my patent shoes I make 'em shine, well most the time 'Cept today my feet are troddin' on by this friend of mine Six foort two and rude as hell I got to get him in the ground before he starts to smell My name is Mud My name is Mud, but call me Alowishus Devadander Abercrombie That's long for Mud so I've been told Told that by this sonsabitch that lies before me bloated blue and cold I've got my pride, I drink my wine I'd drink the finest except I haven't earned a dime in several months Or were it years The breath on that fat bastard could bring any man to tears We had our words, a common spat So I kissed him upside the cranium with an aluminum baseball bat My name is Mud
Oh, welcome to this world of fools Of pink champagne and swimming pools Well, all you have to lose is your virginity Perhaps we'll have some fun tonight so stick around and take a bite of life We don't need feebleness in this proximity Ask good MacDuff and Donalbain, so many good ideas are slain By those who would dare not step out of line But if I have my way tonight and chances are I think I might- I'll turn those sour minds to grapes of wine CHORUS Welcome to this world Don't judge the boy by what you hear The words are heard beyond the ear The heart and mind are focus for this conversation But be abound in mystery for that so much you do to me For there are those who drown in adulation CHORUS If I had a dime for each time that I heard them preach Well I'd have wicked thoughts upon my brain
I had a friend that took a blet, took a blet and hung himself Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived His woman and his little bro came home from the grocery store Only to find him dangling in the apartment where he lived I had a friend who shaved his head Put his Doctor Martins on And drew such wondrous pictures in the apartment where he lived He praised my creativity, though he spoke sarcastically Oh, the conversations in the apartment where he lived I had a friend that took a blet, took a belt and hung himself Hung himself in the doorway of the apartment where he lived Rock, she thought him spiteful; Ler, he thought him pitiful Me, I've never been back to the apartment where he lived
I've been to hell. I spell it...I spell it DMV Anyone that's been there knows precisely what I mean Stood there and I've waited and choked back the urge to scream And if I had my druthers I'd screw a chimpanzee-call it pointless When I need relief I spell it THC Perhpas you may know vaguely what I mean I sit back and smoke away huge chunks of memory As I slowly inflict upon myself a full lobotomy-call it pointless Barbecues, tea kettles, gobs of axle grease There comes a time for every man to sail the seas of cheese Now, life's a bowl of bagel dogs, but there are unpleasantries Cold toilet seats, dentist chairs and trips to DMV-call it pointless I've been to hell. I spell it...I spell it DMV Anyone that's been there knows precisely what I mean I've stood in line and waited near an hour and fifteen And if I had my druthers I'd screw that chimpanzee-call it pointless
The old diamondback sturgeon came swimmin' along Minding his business one day Rooting and sniffing and urging to spawn In the mud flats of San Pablo Bay A scent came around so he followed his snout He found what was to his surprise A golden morsel, a tidbit, a tight bunch of grass shrimp Was there right before this buck's eyes He circle round twice and he took a big whiff Then sucked up this savory meal Then came a jolt and to the diamondback's surprise Through his lips cut the cold, barbed steel In a panic the old diamondback sped to the north He sped to the east, west and south But the harder he swam, he still could not break free From the "tugging" that pulled at his mouth The old diamondback sturgeon came swimmin' along Minding his business one day
I pull the blinds then I take my clothes off Dance around the house like nature boy My genitalia and pectoral muscles aren't quite what I would like them to be But you don't see me No one can see me I pull my blinds Fill out my income tax form Pen in hand I write so legibly I have my kitty. His name is Allowishus, I stroke him But you don't see me No one should see me I pull the blinds For the sun glares off my tele and I find it quite so irritating I have my videos-loads of Ren and Stimpy Bottom-a bit of pornography But you don't see me No one should see me -- ???????? I've been persecuted since I sailed in through the door! And I've been known to sing a song in 3 and 4 and 5! And I've been gettin my ass chewed since the day I arrived!
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Now listen up you know ya come home from working that nine to five and lay yourself down on burgundy couch, you know, it never really was burgundy. It was red, and you painted with the goddamn sprinkler and now you have bits and pieces of burgundy stuck to your butt every time you get off of it. You never tell your family, you never tell your family because, you know, ol' Junior, he's got no brains, and what can you do? What can you do? CHORUS Grab yourself a can of pork soda You'll be feeling just fine Ain't nothin' quite like sittin' 'round the house Swillin' down them Cans of swine Ha ha ha! Yes, Dad's an idiot alright! Well, alright, I'm really starting to worry about you. You had to have that two-car garage with the large driveway so you could park that goddamn boat in it. If it wasn't for the boat (blah blah blah) CHORUS I like Kansas wine... Well, maybe it's something simpler, like your team lost or your girlfriend used to be a guy, you know, I don't know. I mean...(blah blah blah)
By the light of the lamp I sit to type-my notes on tab at my side I don't see the sun much these days A fluorescent tan covers my hide How much impact shall I have this time? My goal today is to reac the deadline I write between the lines I deal with fantasy I report the facts Give them to me, please Ham and egg sald on white bread keeps me company on nights like this A pack of metholated cigarettes keeps my air nice and thick When I write, words flow like coins from a candy box Get out of my way I've got something to say The pulse is beating louder now The cramps in my hands grow more intense with each Tik, tik, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap on the keys My social life is at an end so it seems to be Why don't I trample on your lawn today? I'll take skies of blue, turn over skies of grey I write between the lines I deal with fantasy I am the pressman Acknowledge me Mother always told me never stray too far from home The little lady said, "Boy, you'll never have to be alone, Because," You build with fountain pen You create the memory stain You are the pressman Stand up straight, boy
Hello Mr. Krinkle How are you today? Seems the rumors are about your team might move away Now, me I'm sentimental But I'm not one to cry Say there Mr. Krinkle let's cruise the Bastard boat Damn then sonsabitches with their gill-nets set afloat I flip on my tele and I watch the waters die C'mon Mr. Krinkle tell me why Hey ho Mr. Krinkle have you heard the brand new sound It's a cross between Jimi Hendrix Bocephus, Cher and James Brown It's called "Heavy Hometown" New Wave, cold-filtered, low-calorie dry C'mon Mr. Krinkle tell me why
It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here The air is getting slipper and it's not to my surprise My heart, it beats irregularly and the sweat it fills my eyes I do not mind what I excrete 'cause I'm here to make a buck And those that cannot take the heat can take a flying... Forgive me if I hesitate It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here The dogs are barking merrily as Jerry sits on high If you've studied your Floyd property, you'd know that pigs could fly Now if you want an encore you might hear it is luck But me, I'd rather play Residents, 'cause I don't give a... Forgive me if I hesitate It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here Now, Fatty, he's a hell of a guy but he sweats like a dancing mule He likes to hang out at Checker Gas with the Chets he knew from high school He sold enough crystal meth to buy a stepside truck But if you ask me twice I'd say the boy ain't worth a... Forgive me if I hesitate It's incredibly hot in here today, incredibly hot in here The act of perspiration is far beyond control If the heat compels to aspirate please try not to miss the bowl If sweatiness makes you horny, well darlin' I think you're in luck 'Cause all this clever banter gives me the urge to FUCK
It's the guy from the Hamburger Train, mate!
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