CANNED HAM ISLAND

by Five Guys
transcribed from audio cassette by R.J. Sadbac

CAST (in order of appearance):

* JEFF- Jeffrey Spencer
* DION- Dion Clark
* LARRY- Larry Wilcox and his guitar
* DAVID- David Alan Scott Jr.
* GRANT- Grant Blackburn
* NATIVE 1- David Alan Scott Jr.
* NATIVE 2- Jeffrey Spencer
* HAM- Dion Clark and a pair of bongos
* NATIVE 3- Dion Clark
* TRANSLATOR- Grant Blackburn
* NARRATOR- Grant Blackburn
* ANNOUNCER- Jeff Spencer

SETTING: The stage of the Corning Community College Science Amphitheater, which later becomes a deserted island for this 13-minute sequence, ad-libbed between afternoon and evening performances of "Romeo and Juliet", on March 13, 1997.

(The five guys are on the stage, trying to think up a funny segment to perform into DAVID's handheld tape recorder. LARRY is playing his guitar during the whole thing. DAVID starts to record the conversation, which is already in progress....)

JEFF: --[We all know] each other.
DION: We're all stranded.
LARRY: Oh, that's how we all know each other.
DAVID: (singing the theme from "Gilligan's Island") The ship set down on the shore of this uncharted desert isle....
LARRY: [Were we] all on the same ship?
JEFF: We can do "Beavis and Butt-head Meet Three Other Guys" or something.
DAVID: (imitating Butt-head) Uh-huh-huh, yeah.
JEFF: (plays rhythm with two paint-stirring sticks)
GRANT: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Put up the instruments. We don't have musical instruments.
JEFF: You're right. We're stranded on a desert island.
LARRY: You're wrong. I saved my guitar....
DAVID: It was his guitar that saved us all, you know.
LARRY: That's how we floated to freedom.
JEFF: Larry can only speak in song.
DION: He can't use his mouth.
DAVID: The waves came, the waves came....
JEFF: He's autistic. He only can use his--
DAVID: The ship was no more....
LARRY: [I] bit my tongue.
DAVID: Larry floated on the guitar, and we floated...on Larry.
JEFF: Brother Larry...
DAVID: ...saved us all, with his guitar.
JEFF: Now Larry... He can't speak so well, because when he grabbed his guitar, he bit his tongue off. So, the only way he can communicate is through...his...music! Say "hi," Larry.
LARRY: (guitar strums)
GRANT: The natives! The natives! I hear them! They have their drums--
NATIVES 1 & 2: (gibberish and drum noises.)
NATIVE 1: ...fifty-five, fifty-five, fifty-five, fifty-five--sold to an American!
LARRY: (fast guitar strums, then a sudden silence)
JEFF: Oh no. It is the natives.
DION: (high pitched scream.) Run.
JEFF: I shall now run, David--
DAVID: Run! Run!
LARRY: (fast guitar music)
JEFF: Brother Grant! How shall we escape from the natives, Brother Grant?
GRANT: They need to know the inner miracle of canned ham.
DION: Teach them canned ham, and they shall submit!
LARRY: (guitar pluck)
JEFF: Brother Dion!
DAVID: No! It's too dangerous! Don't you see?
DION: It's our only choice!
DAVID: (imitating Dr. Bones from the first "Star Trek") But it's ham in a can, Jim!
LARRY: (incidental R&B music)
GRANT: That's where you're wrong, gentlemen.
JEFF: (imitating an echo) ...wrong, wrong, wrong...
GRANT: For years, people simply thought canned ham to be meat by-products...
JEFF: ...products, products, products...
GRANT: ...wrapped in metal.
JEFF: ...metal, metal, metal...
GRANT: But now...
JEFF: ...now, now, now...
GRANT: Now we have been gifted with the realization that canned ham--canned ham!--is the savior, canned ham is the the voice of reason, canned ham...
JEFF: ...is God.
GRANT: ...will be...the next...president...of the United States. Why is this?, you ask.
DION: Why is this?
DAVID & JEFF: Why is this?
LARRY: (two guitar strums)
GRANT: Because... Who does not like canned ham?
LARRY: (guitar music)
DION: Donald Duck!
GRANT: He can't vote; he doesn't wear pants.
DION: This is true.
LARRY: (guitar plucks)
JEFF: He's not real.
DION: (defensively) Donald Duck is real.
GRANT: Canned ham is loved by everybody.
JEFF: I love canned ham, Brother Grant.
DAVID: Every Tuesday!
JEFF: When I can not find a woman, sometimes, I just--
GRANT: Not that kind of love! That's the love you reserve for watermelons.
DION: (pointing to JEFF) This is a lonely man.
JEFF: I am sorry.
DION: (to JEFF) Do not can your ham around me.
LARRY: (guitar plucks)
GRANT: Canned ham. Political standpoints. (to HAM) Canned Ham, what is your opinion on world peace?
HAM: NRT (Not Really Talking).
GRANT: Canned Ham, what is your opinion on welfare reform?
HAM: NRT!
GRANT: Canned Ham, what is your opinion on global destruction by mass means of thermonuclear annihilation?
HAM: No, sir, I don't like it.
GRANT: (to others) See? What type of God-fearing American would not love canned ham?
JEFF: Um, Mickey Mouse?
GRANT: Mickey Mouse does not wear a shirt. He can't vote!
JEFF: Yes, but he gets some. There's always Minnie.
DAVID: Well, you know, I've had Minnie, too. That means nothing.
JEFF: Oh yeah.
GRANT: I was going to say.
JEFF: Dave, the stuffed animal does not count. I know it fits you very well, but...
LARRY: (incidental funk music)
DAVID: (to DION) But, Jim, he's right! You're right!
DION: Canned ham!
JEFF: We must give it to the natives!
DION: We must! (rethinks) We must not give it to the natives....
GRANT: We must...
DION, GRANT, DAVID, & JEFF: ...sell it to the natives! (excited shouts of joy)
DAVID: Yes!
JEFF: Wait.... Do they have money?
(brief silence)
DAVID: Sh_t!
JEFF: Wait, wait.... Do they not have beautiful native women?
DION: They have beautiful native women!
DION, GRANT, DAVID, & JEFF: (more excited shouts of joy)
GRANT: Now you see my logic. But the question is: How many beautiful native women equal a canned ham?
JEFF: Wait....
GRANT: A canned ham, unlike native women, does not demand that you take it out for dinner before you f_ck it.
LARRY: (incidental strumming)
JEFF: A canned ham is very easy to open!
DAVID: Oh....
JEFF: Wait.... How many woman have they got? That's about the right price.
GRANT: Canned ham never says, "no."
DAVID: Why don't we just keep the canned ham?
JEFF: Oh, that's an idea.
DION: Let's not keep the canned ham.
DAVID: Let's not keep the ham.
JEFF: I'd rather have beautiful native women.
LARRY: (plays the theme from "The Addams Family")
DION: (holds his hands out to represent a scale) Beautiful native women vs. canned ham.
JEFF: (also hold his hands out to represent a scale) Okay. (The "native women" hand goes down; the "canned ham" one, up.) The beautiful native women are heavier.
DION: (ditto for his hands) Beautiful native women...
JEFF: ...is the winner.
LARRY: (motions to GRANT)
GRANT: What is it, Brother Larry?
LARRY: (angry guitar music)
DION: What?
DAVID: Dear God!
DION: He says that while we have been discussing canned ham, the natives have gotten armed! They are now pursuing us! We must flee!
JEFF: Wait! I have an arm.
DION: We must flee!
DAVID: I have two arms!
DION: We are all out of canned ham! God, what shall we do?
GRANT: (holding their only canned ham) My friends, do not despair, for I have brought unto thee...a secret weapon.
LARRY: (suspensful guitar strums)
JEFF: A secret weapon?
DION: A secret weapon!
DAVID: A secret, secret weapon!
JEFF: ...secret, secret, secret--
DAVID: It's a secret weapon!
GRANT: Better than canned ham.
DAVID, DION, & JEFF: Better???
DION: Better than canned ham?
DAVID: Better than canned ham? Dammit, Jim, you're...
LARRY: (plays the theme from "The Addams Family")
GRANT: ...mad? Mad, you say? Why, yes. I'd have to be mad to propose a plan so fiendish, so devilish, so maniacal, it can only work on this deserted island with the rest of us.
DION: You are mad!
GRANT: We've gone over that.
DION: I am sorry.
JEFF: (to GRANT) Now go on with your maniacal, devilish, scary, scary plan.
GRANT: We leave the canned ham out in the open.
LARRY: (angry guitar strums)
DION: Distraction?
DAVID: But it's our only canned ham!
GRANT: It matters not.
JEFF: It doth?
LARRY: (guitar pluck)
GRANT: Unto which we whisper into the lowest of the natives' ears, "Canned ham makes you...a god!"
JEFF: (in a high-pitched voice) Oh....
DAVID: Fiendishly clever!
DION: We shall fool them, yes?
DAVID: Yes!
JEFF: Indeed-ee-doo!
GRANT: In their struggle to fight over the canned ham...
JEFF: (again imitating an echo) ...ham, ham, ham...
GRANT: ...they will kill themselves off.
JEFF: ...off, off, off...
DION: (to LARRY) Dost thou like it, Senor Lar?
LARRY: (happy guitar funk)
DAVID: I think he likes it. Awww, yeah!
JEFF: I like it!
DAVID & DION: (singing)

Canned Ham!
I like my ham.
I like canned ham.
Good golly damn!
Ham!

JEFF: (sees GRANT about to jump off of a platform) Hold it, hold it.... Brother Grant would like to bungee jump now. Hold on.... (makes a falling noise, followed by a crashing/squashing sound)
GRANT: (setting up the canned ham, still explaining the plan) ...they see the canned ham in the opening of the forest...
JEFF: What if Bambi eats it?
GRANT: Bambi has not a can opener.
JEFF: Oh, you are very smart, Brother Grant.
GRANT: Thank you.
JEFF: Okay, now we must hide.
LARRY: (lovely, hypnotic guitar music)
GRANT: Remember, we must tell the natives that eating canned ham...
JEFF: ...will make them a...
GRANT, DAVID, & JEFF: (giving eachother an echo effect) ...god!
DION: (seeing a native) Look! There's one now!
(The five guys hide as the natives approach the ham.)
NATIVE 3: (to NATIVE 1) Booga-lacka-lacka-lacka-boo-oog!
TRANSLATOR: Translated from Native Savage to English: "Look! A canned ham! I wonder what it does!"
NATIVE 3: Augh-rugh-booga-booga-looga-boo!
TRANSLATOR: "Why for have they left this canned ham out there?"
GRANT: (whispering to the natives) Because canned ham, when eaten, turns you into...
GRANT & DAVID: ...a god!!
JEFF: ...god, god, god...
NATIVE 3: Ah-ooh?
NATIVE 1: Ogh!
NATIVE 2: Godhood is good!
NATIVES 1, 2, & 3: (various grunts and groans as they argue over possession of the ham)
NARRATOR: The natives have started to squabble over the canned ham. Violence will ensue.
NATIVES 1, 2, & 3: (various grunts, shouts, and thumps of violence towards each other, with NATIVE 1's high-pitched outburst of, "Ogh! My groin!!")
NARRATOR: In the chaos, they have all killed themselves over the canned ham.
NATIVES 1 & 3: (cries of death as they collapse to the floor)
NATIVE 2: I'm not dead yet.
DAVID: (gun blast)
GRANT: (throwing a punch) Whap!
NATIVE 2: I feel happy!
DAVID: (gun blast)
GRANT: (hitting again) Boom! Boom!
NATIVE 2: Okay, now I'm dead!
LARRY: (suspensful guitar plucks)
GRANT: Now, the question is: If godhood is simply a matter of faith...
JEFF: (imitating an echo) ...faith, faith, faith...
GRANT: ...and all of the natives died...
JEFF: ...died, died, died...
GRANT: ...having faith...
JEFF: ...faith, faith, faith...
GRANT: ...in the canned ham...
JEFF: ...ham, ham, ham...
GRANT: ...would it not now instill godhood amongst any who ate it? (begins to take the ham) Excuse me while I partake of the canned ham.
DION: (in a Mexican accent) Do not partake of the canned ham, Senor. The canned ham is mine!
DAVID: (pointing at JEFF) Look! He's taking the ham!
GRANT: After him!
(DION, GRANT, and DAVID chase JEFF around the island.)
LARRY: (chase music)
DION: Come back here with that ham! I shall smite thee!
GRANT: Canned ham!
JEFF: (afraid for his life) Grant, quick, take the canned ham!
DAVID: Kill the hamtaker!
DION: (taking the ham from JEFF) It is mine!
JEFF: He has the can of ham!
DION: It is mine!
(The chase continues.)
NARRATOR: The stranded members have started to conflict with each other. Unbeknowingst to them, while they have the canned ham, Brother Larry is the only one with a can opener.
DAVID: Sh_t! Get him! Get the opener!
DION: Brother Larry, come here! I will share some of my ham with you!
JEFF: Will you share some with me, Dion? I love you.
DION: No! Get back! Get back now!
DAVID: (desperate for the opener) Larry, remember that night in Bermuda?
JEFF: (Due to other shouts, his line is inaudible on the tape, but he's telling DAVID that LARRY does remember that night in Bermuda, and that that's why he's giving the can opener to DION instead.)
LARRY: (triumphant guitar music)
DION: (high-pitched, triumphant jungle god cry)
NARRATOR: Having acheived godhood status--
DION: (to LARRY) We shall be gods!
NARRATOR: Having acheived godhood status, Dion and Larry...
LARRY: (shouting) ...who has miraculously regained the power of speech with godhood...
DION(?): God!
JEFF: Larry, we worship you!
DION: (cheering) Larry!
JEFF: Larry, we love you, man. You can put the guitar down now.
LARRY: (to the others) Thank you, Seattle.
JEFF: (confused) Seattle?? Sh_t, I thought we were on a desert island. What the hell happened here??
DAVID: You mean we went all through this sh_t... and we were in f_ckin' Seattle???
JEFF: Oh my god!
GRANT: You mean to [say]--
LARRY: It was a bizarre experiment by NASA!
DAVID: Wait! Those weren't natives!
GRANT: Those were kindergarteners!
JEFF: Oh, no!
DION: They weren't circus midgets?
DAVID: I thought it was Pearl Jam, but, you know...
JEFF: Oh my god, I thought Anthrax was chasing us. I was very confus-ed.
DAVID: Oh no.... Sh_t.
JEFF: (in a Hindu accent) Let us go get a Slushee.
GRANT: (to everyone) I would like you all to know that if we had put a canned ham in office, none of this would have happened.
JEFF: None of this.
LARRY: Thank you for your attention.
DAVID: (confused, imitating Adam Sandler) F_cking sh_t!
(GRANT shuts off the recorder. A moment later, JEFF turns it back on.)
ANNOUNCER: This message has been paid for [by] the political contribution to put canned ham in office, 1997 Worldwide Pants Incorporated. Thank you.
(JEFF shuts off the recorder.)