It Is Tough Being a Republican in 2004, because
somehow, you have to believe concurrently that:

1. Jesus loves you, but shares your deep hatred of
homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. The United States should get out of the United
Nations, but our highest national priority is
enforcing U. N. resolutions against Iraq.

3."Standing Tall for America" means firing your
workers and moving their jobs to India.

4. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her
own body, but multi-national corporations can make
decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.

5. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to
praise the troops in speeches, while slashing
veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins, unless
you someday run for governor of California as a
Republican.

8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents
won't have sex.

9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our
long-time allies, but then demand their cooperation
and money.

10. HMOs and insurance companies make profits and have
the interest of the public at heart.

11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound
policy. Providing health care to all Americans is
socialism.

12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are
junk science, but creationism should be taught in
schools.

13. It is okay that the Bush family's "Carlisle Group"
has done millions of business with the Bin Laden
family.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him and
Rumsfeld reassured him he was our buddy. A bad guy
when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when
Cheney did business with him. But, then a bad guy
again when Bush junior needed a prop for his
re-election campaign as the "war president"

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is
an impeachable offense. A president lying about WMD
existence, to enlist support for an unprovoked,
undeclared war and occupation, in which thousands of
soldiers and civilians die, is, somehow, solid
"defense" policy in a "War against Terrorism".

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named
in the Constitution, which should include "banning gay
marriages and censoring the Internet".

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's
cattle trades, but George Bush's Harken Oil stock
trade should be sealed in his Daddy's library, and is
none of our business.

18. What Bill Clinton or John Kerry did in the 1960s
was of vital national interest but what Bush did in
the '80s is irrelevant.

19. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital
to a "spirit of international harmony".

20. Affirmative Action is wrong, but it is OK for your
Daddy and his friends (here and in Saudi Arabia) to
get you to graduate from Yale without studying much;
to dodge the draft in the Texas Air National Guard; to
bail out your company Harken Oil and the Texas
Rangers; to get the Governorship of Texas and then to
have the Supreme Court appoint you President of the
USA.

21. You are a conservative, but it is OK to spend like
there is no tomorrow and run up deficits that your
grandchildren will have to pay,while at the same
refunding as much tax money as possible to rich people
who do not need it. This illogical behavior can take a
toll on a healthy mind. So if a friend of yours has
been acting a bit dazed and confused lately, be nice:
he or she may be a Republican!