This obscure web page in the middle of yesteryear contains the complete (until I happen across another one stuck in some old notebook or video tape box somewhere) quote list found on the door of Office 335 at NETV between 1998-2005. Some quotes have aged significantly better than others but all of them had their day in the sun at one time. The bulk of these quotes probably went up between 2000-2003 and contain much of the post-Seinfeldian climate of the day. Although the office was shared by Scott Leigh, Roger Simonsen, and John Ansorge many other characters of those times contributed to the door. Whether it was in a meeting, in the hallways, or right there in the office, things were spoken that were deemed 'door worthy', written down on sticky notes, and stuck on the wood grain door. The quotes would stay up on the door until a suitable period of time had elapsed upon which they would be taken down to make room for new quotes and archived in Scott's top right hand desk drawer. Many quotes didn't make the cut and were voted down before they even had a chance to go up on the door. These were deemed 'not door worthy'. And, if the truth be told, a handful that did go up on the door are not represented here because frankly the preparer of this online version felt they were either unsuitable, non-memorable, completely lame, or all of the above.
So without further ado, we present the Door Quotes of Office 335. Please enjoy them as you would a cheese goat!
Roger Simonsen
"He can’t grow any facial hair at all – not even on his butt."
"That pop came out of my eyes!!"
"It’s not just me that sucks!"
"Hey! Look at how the pop sticks to my hairshirt!"
"Nobody’s ever been fired over a NETCHE project."
"Although, I don’t remember any genitalia on that wall."
"This is the combination…and John’s got his sausage over there."
"There’s a Ping for all seasons."
"Andy has a touch of the Third Reich in him."
"He was in that Francis Ford Copula…"
"Take it to the library."
"Lawlor….? No, he’s the anti-Christ."
"The only porn I like is the porn I direct."
"He was using the English park system as a form of marriage."
"There’s a Venn and a Wiz, so I assume I just take the Wiz."
"I haven’t implemented anything in over two years."
"There’s a sticky spot here, and anytime I put something there it sticks to it."
"I just wanted Big Boys. Nothing else. I was obsessed with Big Boys!"
"They finally managed to cookie my username."
"We're like a rudder without a ship."
"You know it's bad when they're asking for Dick over there -- by name!"
"Who made his bed? Mr. Bitter made his bed? Yea...Mr. Bitter did make his bed."
"For a bad project, it's all right."
"He looks like Boy George after a week at Fuddrucker's."
"No, she didn't try to impress someone else with ketchup, someone else tried to impress her with ketchup."
"This is the land of freaks and nuts."
"I think I'm going to go eat sushi every Sunday for a while. Oh, I can't next Tuesday."
"I think I had a dream about Pete Rose's toupe last night."
"I'm surprised nobody's developed vampire's blood."
"I vomit so loud. I'm just loud vomiter. AAAUAGHH!!!"
"This internet thing is not what it's cracked up to be."
"I mean it's not exactly like Andy's emails are the Rosetta Stone."
"I can't remember tomorrow."
"The guy threw the bunny on the mall."
"I'll do it with all my tact and aplomb...like a cheese goat." (possibly anonymous)
"It doesn't matter if he's as nice as a cream goat." (also possibly anonymous)
"I wish prairie dogs had human heads."
"Look Steve, it's 19-2002..."
"Dean Jones is the Disney version of Bruce Dern."
"That should be a sport: eye-poking!"
"These sticky notes aren't door worthy."
"She's got a sandpaper tongue to beat the band."
"I never quoted the meat goat."
John Ansorge
"We need glue, not claws."
"You know very well we never get off the hook – in the end, it’s us on the hook."
"You know I don’t think I’ve ever said anything that’s gone up on the door."
"It’s gonna be a lot easier to get to the Feeser now."
"My lizard keeps falling off."
"What do you mean, my 3.5" floppy?"
"Can we get rid of the cake? For the love of God!!"
"He’s a Man-witch."
"Clay is dense with weirdness."
"Not so much dancing, just prancing."
"The rising tide lifts all boats."
"I don’t need to be stimulated there."
"But frankly, I think my little tool is rock solid."
"You could shoot him in the head and he'd say it went well." (on MK)
"You know Scott, some of us don't have time to read email."
"Do you realize how much you have to stink before you can smell your own stink?"
"I didn't take this job so I could write blurbs!"
"Dude, I haven't been playing with your mystical dildo." (to Steve L.)
"Reading is for losers!"
"I want to be red, just like a lobster."
"Whap, Whap, Whap, Whap, Whap, Whap! That's Exon doin' the car."
"I can't get my wiener out of the plastic!!!"
"He went straight to Ape City!!"
"Just think -- they could do the same thing to you -- if they could grab the right organs."
"I am not a backboard."
"If you people would just be less suspicious I wouldn't have to murder you."
"I love everybody."
"If there's a trend in my life it might be as I get older I like vanilla more."
"It's a cosmic nodal point." (via William Gibson)
Scott Leigh
"Mathematics, baby!"
"What’s this movie 'Bats' supposed to be about?"
"His fundamental problem is that he’d prefer to grumble." (about John)
"...banty rooster..." (about his ex-father-in-law)
"You caught me with my browser down."
"I get periods! I get periods!"
"Why couldn't I have said apostrophes?"
"We're about doing the job today, how ever it has to be done." (trying to come up with an IMG mission statement.)
"Right now you just put somethin' up to John's mouth, and he wouldn't know, he'd just start chewin' on it."
"Chickens are dollars."
"The internet's just another tool."
"You can't know if you're going against the grain when you've got a shifting grain."
"You never really know if it's Alzheimer's."
"'About a Boy'. What's that about?"
"I still hear hope in people's voices."
Jen Childers
"What are you eating off your head?"
"The cop had to zip me up today."
Allison Hunter
"There's really very little of Andy that I haven't seen."
"Andy's the only one who never got anywhere at all."
Glennda Magner
"I can be a multimillionaire according to my financial planner – I just haven’t started yet."
"I’m waiting for when CLASS.com becomes big news."
"I get days where I just want morphine all day long."
"This is not going to be able to suck."
Stephen Exon
"It’s called sexual harrassment – get used to it!"
"A lot of people want the ‘Exon shuffle’… but it isn’t for sale."
"Ignorance! There's no budget number for that!"
"I used to live with his wife...it was plutonic though."
"I'm taking the stones out for a ballgame."
"I don't drink that much. I mean, that often."
"No, you have to smell the slot."
"I'd like to crap gold buillion, but it ain't gonna happen."
"What were we havin' the problem with the one that we had anyway?"
Judy Diamond
"Unrecognizable token g’s – suppress further errors – Are you writing this down?"
"What’s fun about it? Mention the legless frogs."
"This is the one opportunity we have to go over budget."
Tom Floyd
"I’d go back to teachin’ if I could beat the ones who pissed me off."
"Kids love big shit."
"I just can't see rap music makin' it to Mars, I'm sorry..."
Stephanie Lofton
"Permissions are getting a lot mellower now."
Diana Schlesselman
"Not vague, but not specific." (referring to how to write job descriptions)
Steve Lenzen
"We are probably looking at the graphics people going down there, there is no doubt about it."
Aaron Dietrich
"My silly putty's getting hairy."
"Maybe I can be an AC/DC bag."
Gary Prauener
"Ummmmmmmmmm...." (receiving call on cell phone from Class.com during staff meeting)
Clay Lewis
"Do you want to touch the claywich pythons?"
"Erica is John's brother."
Kate Ansorge
"The sad thing is, all our lesbians are graduating."
"My one hope is that I infect you with the flu before I leave." (to John)
"I ran it through my Pingerator."
Joel Geyer
"I’ll change anything for people who have a lot of money."
"Um, I was tellin' Tom, I'd say, 'We sing in our chains like the sea.
They're chained together at the gills.'"
Larry Sheffield
"Can I bother you folks? I’m testing my new bounce flash."
Terry Severson
"My butt is numb, but I still have a job."
"I'm gonna pull a Dick!"
Steve Lawlor
"Her butt was magnificient, and not in a good way either."
Aaron Coleman
"I get lots of Google action!"
Lois Dam
"Instructional designers can find a way to rationalize anything!"
Sharon West
"I'm just amazed with the mileage you can get out of a hamburger."
Chad Worcester
"Get it, Scott!"
Ron Hull
"I am Ron."
Chet Kincaid
"I’m kind of a chewer and not a blower."
"Roger, you made me pop my button!"
Dick Arens
"I’m a half a day from the top toolbar."
Darrell Wheaton
"I think there are priorities everywhere."
Wendy Beal
"Remember the body piercing place where you got your nipples pierced?"
Jill Hochstein
"I had a stalker...he was my FORTRAN tutor."
Luis Peon-Casanova
"We don't know exactly what that is, but it's pretty huge."
Mike Farrell
"Well, what is instructional design?"
Jack McBride
"I have not been back since it exploded. Here comes the Arab!"
Terry Dugas
"You can't put any more work in the IMG toilet. It's clogged!"
"I'll unzip anything you need."
Andy Frederick
"John is my perfect woman."
"My eyes are so… hairless."
"Better hope Heston doesn’t use ebay."
"We need to invent the universal hole."
"I don't even clean myself in the shower."
"HTML doesn't work!"
"Laying in bed last night I came up with a new game."
"If you have any desire to unload your Sea Monkeys, Allison would like to raise some." (to John)
Chris St. Pierre
"I don’t have a computer, so I’ve been working on a Mac."
Christine Lesiak
"We're going to have to start rethinking the importance of web sites when there aren't any."
NETCHE consultant
"You better not start stereotyping the Cuban-Mexicans...or you're gonna
get shot, stabbed, or machine gunned."
DVD Toast help desk guy
"I was told in my training class that we wouldn't be getting many calls
about this kind of thing."
Larry from the Christian Singles Club
"The therapist offers to be the wet nurse for the butcher."
"They'll be as screwed up as Hogan's goat."
Alex Moscu
"He has the face of a criminal." (about Roger)
Terri Clark
"She's messin' with your toolbars, John!"
Carl Mesecher
"Can you just sketch out what you have in your head." (to Melissa)
Dave Bentz
"I don't understand all these people who are reading the Bible all the time. I mean what's the big deal? It's a simple book -- you read it once and you're done."
Scott Beachler
"Do it faster. Do it cheaper. Do it over." (from a T-shirt in a dream)
Jen/Magic 8 Ball
"Magic 8-ball do you hate us?" "Outlook good."
Jen/Roger
"See, I told you he was snotty." "I thought you said cranky." (about John)
Roger/Steve E.
"Did you switch brands?" "sniff, sniff...I don't have any cologne on."
Roger/John
"The talk was dry." "But the hens were moist."
"Gore for gore's sake is useless." (reading from Owlsoup.com) "That's why Bush won."
Dick/Roger/John
"I have a tendency to forget everything." "Can we quote you on that."
"He wouldn't remember it if we did."
The Fugs/Clay
"You can’t out walk the angel of Death." "That’s why I run!"
Jen/Scott
"What's 908?" "Just more money."
Scott/John
"This guy looks like an ugly drug-addled Martin Short." "I thought it was a woman."
Judy Diamond/Gary Hochman/Judy Diamond
"One of those are kind of sophisticated tools." "A hammer?" "No, an acid bath."
Ron Hull/Sharon West
"Look at that eagle flying outside our window" "I think it's a kite."
John/Roger
"Did you say he's 'Frog Dominant'?" "I said he's very Frog Dominant." (about Carl M.)
Eli
"Hi everyone! Look what we found on the storage containers."
"What do you mean 'my little accident'? You’re the one who dropped the spatula!"
Carlos
"To be honest, I can’t be sure if it was a man or a woman." (about Clay)
Horoscope for Taurus
"My vote for the best days of the month goes to January 11 and 12, when Venus is flirting outrageously with Uranus."
