Hyde: You and Jackie did not do it.
Kelso: We so did it!
Fez: You're always saying that you did it.
Eric: Kelso, she wears the pants, and they have never come off.
Kelso: Look at my face. This is the face that did it.
Fez: Holy smokes. I think he did it.
Hyde, Eric, & Fez: Kelso did it!!
Kelso: Yeah! I did it! I did it! I did it! Yeah.
Hyde: Congratulations, man. Plus, you did it in record time.
Kelso: Yeah, you think?
Hyde: No, you moron! You've been kissing her ass for over a year!
Kelso: Yeah, but that's over, man. It's hard to explain to you kids that have never had sex before, but when you're with a woman, something chemical happens to her. Now Jackie's totally different. She's like my love slave. Oh yeah, I'm that good!

Donna and Jackie come in the basement door.

Donna: Hey guys.
Jackie: Hi, sweetie. How are you?
Kelso: Well, actually, I'm a little bit chilly, but I left my coat up in the car.
Jackie: Huh! I'll go get it for you. Miss me.
Kelso: Handy little thing, isn't she?
Eric: Oh, that was so cool!
Donna: Cool?
Eric: And by cool, I mean wrong and stupid.
Hyde: All right. Shut up, shut up. Wrestling's back on.
Donna: Oh, I love wrestling.

Donna grabs Eric in a headlock and starts wrestling with him.

Donna: Come on! You're not even fighting back!
Hyde: Why would he fight back?
TV: Don't forget, fans. This Saturday night pro wrestling is coming to the National Guard Armory in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Watch Rocky Johnson take on twenty snarling midgets. Now back to the action.
Eric: Rocky Johnson's coming to Kenosha? Oh man, we got to go!
Hyde: I'm in. I love midgets, man.
Red's Voice: Eric! I need to see you up here.
Eric: OK! I'll be right up!
Fez: You're not going up?
Eric: I'll go up when I'm ready.
Everyone: Oooh.

Upstairs, Laurie is talking to Red and Kitty in the kitchen.

Laurie: So I just said to myself, I don't care if all I have is dirty laundry and no money. I'm going home to see my parents because I love them very much!
Red: Awww.
Kitty: Oh my. Oh well, will you look at these?
Laurie: Yeah, Mom. All the girls are wearing them.

Eric comes in the kitchen.

Laurie: Eric, where have you been?
Red: Yeah, Eric. I called you five minutes ago.
Eric: I was watching wrestling.
Red: Did you take those books back to the library, liked I asked you?
Eric: Yeah. I took them back.
Red: Well, then why did I see them in the back seat of your car?
Eric: Well, I took them back to the car. Which means that they're practically at the library.
Laurie: You know, Dad. I feel sorry for all the good kids who wanted to read those books.
Eric: OK. It's five books. A nickel a book. Uh, big deal. I'm out a quarter.
Red: It's not about the money, son. It's about the rules. And without rules, we might as well all be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
Eric: Uh, OK.
Red: Library closes in a half an hour, so get your ass over there.
Eric: Dad, you know, all my friends are downstairs.
Red: Hey, hey! Pal! I'm not the bad guy here! Now you screwed yourself when you didn't return those books! Now go!
Eric: No.
Red: Did you say no? Are you telling me no? Is that what I'm hearing?
Eric: Yeah.
Kitty: Oh dear.

OPENING CREDITS

Red is reading the newspaper in the kitchen. Kitty is staring at Red.

Kitty: You know what's interesting?
Red: No.
Kitty: When you talk to Laurie, you actually have a conversation, but with Eric you just give orders.
Red: Kitty, he said no to me.
Kitty: Well, he's getting older, Red. I think it's time you two developed a friendship. Cause if you don't, he'll move away and we'll never see him again. Is that what you want?
Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too twitchy.
Kitty: Well, Red. Until I see you make some kind of effort, I'm just going to keep bringing it up.
Red: Threats aren't going to work, Kitty.
Kitty: In the middle of every newspaper you're reading, every nap you're taking, every football game you're watching, I'll be there talking, talking, talking, talking.

Donna is eating with her parents.

Midge: Bob, I'm thinking of starting therapy.
Donna: OK, I'm going to be, bye!

Donna runs out of the kitchen.

Bob: Therapy? That's for crazies.
Midge: You know, the unexamined self is an unfulfilled self.
Bob: How can you be unfulfilled? I put a roof over your head, I pay the bills, I take care of you.
Midge: Yeah, but what do I do?
Bob: You fill out that sweater real nice.

Midge leaves the kitchen.

Bob: What?! That's a compliment!

The Formans are in the kitchen.

Kitty: Sit down, Laurie. Have some ribs.
Laurie: Mom! You know I'm on my water and yogurt diet!
Kitty: OK, well isn't this nice? My whole family together. Mostly. Having family fun because that's what dinner's for, right, Red?
Red: OK. So, Eric, what happened at school today?
Eric: Why? What did you hear?
Red: What's wrong with you? I can't ask a simple question?
Kitty: Red! Red! You need some potatoes.
Red: Um, good job on returning those books.
Eric: Well, yeah. I returned the books. Even though it was kind of stupid.
Red: What?
Laurie: He said it was stupid, Daddy.
Kitty: OK. OK. Eric, what are you going to do this weekend?
Eric: Oh, me and the gang are going to catch that wrestling match in Kenosha.
Kitty: Oh well. Now isn't that something? Because a certain Mr. Red Forman used to wrestle in high school.
Red: No, no, no. What I did then was real. That stuff on TV, that's uh, that's all an act.
Kitty: Oh, I don't know. I bet if the two of you went together, you'd really enjoy yourselves. Right, guys?
Eric & Red: No, no, no-
Kitty: So you're going.

Midge is at a therapy session.

Midge: And I think everyone has room to grow. But Bob is perfectly satisfied and says just being his wife should make me happy.
Therapist: Let me stop you right there. I know we've only had one session, but from what I'm hearing, everything you say is completely right, and everything Bob says is completely wrong.
Midge: I think I'm going to like therapy.
Therapist: I think therapy is going to like you.

Everyone is getting ready to go to the wrestling match.

Donna: Jackie, what are you doing here? You hate wrestling.
Jackie: Michael likes it. And anything that Michael likes, I like. Cause I like Michael.
Kelso: Yeah, that's my girl.
Donna: Oh, barf.
Red: Come on, watch your legs.

Bob comes over.

Bob: Taking the gang to the wrestling matches, huh? I guess I'll just sit home alone tonight since Midge is going to some therapy thing. I'll be alone.
Red: Get in the car, Bob. Eric, give me the keys.
Eric: Why can't I drive?
Red: Because I want to get there in one piece.
Hyde: Hey, can we get a move on, huh? If I miss that twenty midget free for all, I'm going to be super pissed.
Eric: Fine. You drive.
Kitty: Red?
Red: You know, on second thought, uh, you should drive. After all, tonight, I'm just one of the gang. This isn't going to work, you know. We're going to kill each other.
Kitty: Well, fine. Kill each other. Just do it together.

Eric is driving, and everyone is piling on top of each other, horsing around.

Red: Both hands on the wheel, Eric. Ten and two, ten and two.
Eric: Dad, if you want to drive.
Red: No, no, no, that's all right. I'm just one of the gang. Yield, Eric! That sign says yield!

Red is driving, and everyone is sitting facing forward, not saying a word.

Red: Ah, that's better.

Everyone is in Kenosha at the wrestling match. Red, Eric, and Donna are sitting together.

Red: This is ridiculous. When we get home tonight, you better tell your mother we had a damn good time.
Eric: Oh, so far, so good.
Red: Yeah, yeah. And now I got to go and spend two dollars for a ten cent beer.
Donna: Gee, I'm so glad our dads came.
Eric: At least yours is leaving you alone.
Donna: Yeah. Poor Fez, hm?
Eric: Yeah.

Bob is sitting with his arm around Fez. Hyde is reading.

Bob: There I was sitting in the kitchen, sitting in the kitchen, when, boom! She tells me she needs therapy. Yeah, Midgey and I had a beautiful thing, Fezzy. Then it all went wrong.
Hyde: Yeah, Bob. Women are hell. Why don't you grab us all a beer and we'll talk it over.
Bob: I could get you sodas cause I know you're underage.
Hyde: Bob, this isn't about us. It's about you. And you need friends. And beer.
Bob: Hey, how stupid do you think I am?
Hyde: Why don't we grab a beer and we'll talk it over?
Bob: Huh, no.
Hyde: Well, then Bob, you're on your own.
Fez: See how you drive people away?

Midge is hanging out with Laurie and Kitty in their kitchen.

Midge: I'm telling you, after my therapy session, I felt so loose!
Laurie: Loose is good!
Kitty: If you ask me, we could all do with a little tightening.
Midge: And, and tonight, my therapist is hosting an encounter group. But I'm too shy to go alone.
Kitty: Oh well, too bad.
Midge: Oh, Kitty. Please come with me.
Kitty: I don't think so. No thank you. No.
Midge: You know what this is a lot like? Like when you asked me to help you host the bake sale, only it's different because I said yes.
Kitty: All right.
Midge: Ooh! Great! It's a gathering of souls in progress over drinks.
Laurie: Free drinks? I'm in.
Kitty: Oh, that's nice. That's music to a mother's ears.

Red has come back from getting a beer.

Red: OK, what's going on here?
Eric: OK, you see the guy getting into the ring? That's Rocky Johnson. Now he's the best!
Red: The best? They're not even fighters. I mean, it's all tricks. Why, I could get up there right now and, hot damn! He dropped that guy right on his head!
Eric: Yeah!

Jackie and Kelso are sitting together.

Kelso: Yeah!! It's hot in here, huh?
Jackie: You poor thing! That better, sweetie?
Kelso: Oh yeah!

Donna comes over.

Donna: Jackie, can I talk to you for a second?
Jackie: OK, yeah, sure! Michael, OW!

Donna pulls Jackie away.

Donna: Jackie, what the hell is going on between you and Kelso?
Jackie: Michael Kelso and I have made beautiful love.
Donna: EW!!! I mean, no, ew. Why are you being such a door mat?
Jackie: I have to be nice. What if he gets bored now?
Donna: Jackie, he's going to want to do it again!
Jackie: So what you're saying is, I'm totally in charge.
Donna: Well, I mean partner-
Jackie: No, no, I own him!! I am the man!
Donna: Well, Jackie-
Jackie: No, no! Thank you, Donna.

Hyde is at the concession stand.

Hyde: Good evening, sir. I would like a refreshing cola please.
Fez: And get me a beer, son.
Hyde: OK, Dad, sure! And a beer for my dad. You're not going to get me that beer, are you?
Fez: What seems to be the problem, son?

A wrestler rolls himself out of the ring and falls on the floor in front of Red and Eric.

Eric: What are you doing? Don't just sit there!
Red: Get up, you big moose! Look, he's laughing at you!
Wrestler #1: I give, and I give, and I give!
Red: Oh, boo hoo!! Get back in the ring!! Hey, this is fun.

After the match, Eric and Red are standing outside the wrestlers' locker room. Rocky Johnson walks by.

Eric: Hey, Rocky Johnson! Mr. Johnson! Sir, can I have your autograph?
Red: Eric, go in there and get your autograph.
Eric: No way, Dad. The sign says wrestlers only.
Red: So?
Eric: So. It's a rule. As I remember, a great man once said to me, if we were to break the rules, the world would just be filled with tree climbing crap flingers.
Red: Yeah, yeah. Now. Follow me. You want your autograph or not?

Red and Eric go into the locker room.

Red: There he is.
Eric: Mr. Johnson? You gave that team of midgets an ass whooping, sir!
Rocky: You pounce on the little guy, and the whole crowd turns on you. You know, once you're standing there wondering what they're booing about, you get bit on the kneecaps. Look at my knees. Midget bites.
Red: I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.
Manager: No. No autographs.
Red: Look, pal. I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.
Manager: Give the kid an autograph, and then, no more autographs.
Rocky: You know, that's really nice. Bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know, I got a son. And one day he's going to become the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.
Red: Yeah, well good luck with that. Uh, you want to make that out to Red Forman.
Eric: No, no, I don't think so. Um, it's Eric Forman. Capital E-r-i-c.
Red: Yeah, but see. His nickname is Red.
Eric: No it's not. His is.
Red: Stop kidding around, Red.

Kelso is still trying to manipulate Jackie.

Kelso: You know babe, a soda would taste pretty good right about now.
Jackie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right, a soda does sound pretty good. I'll have a diet.
Kelso: No, I'll have a root beer. Oh, don't you want to go get it for me? Sweetie?
Jackie: OK. Let me clear it up for you. Get me a soda now!! Did you see that? I am the man.

Bob walks over with two cups of beer. Hyde and Fez create an open chair for Bob. He sits in between them.

Bob: It all started about six months ago when Midgey got a subscription to Cosmo.

Kitty, Midge, and Laurie are at the group session.

Therapist: These group sessions are about testing your boundaries, losing your inhibitions, and really sharing with the group. Kitty, are you ready?
Kitty: Oh, uh, well.
Laurie: Share a little, Mom. Tell us how folding the dish towels just right makes all our problems go away.
Kitty: You want me to share? OK. Laurie, you're mean to your brother, and you're screwing around at college. We don't even see you unless you run out of clean clothes or need cash. You're an ungrateful, spoiled, brat. Well, thank you, that was nice. I love you, honey.
Therapist: Well, I hope you're all as excited about this journey as I am. Let's pair off.

A man sitting next to Kitty takes his shirt off.

Kitty: OK.
Laurie: Mom!
Midge: I don't get it Kitty, what's going on?
Kitty: I'll tell you what's going on. He's a bad doctor, a very bad doctor.

Red and Eric are back from the wrestling match.

Eric: Hey Dad. Thanks for letting me drive home.
Red: Thanks for not killing me.
Eric: You know, I just had a lot of fun tonight with you, Dad.
Red: Yeah, me too.

Red and Eric start wrestling.

Red: Ooh, you want some huh?
Eric: Yeah, a little piece. Yes! Who's the king?! Who's the king?!
Red: Oh! Ah! My neck! Oh!
Eric: Oh Dad! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Look, I had no idea.
Red: Now, who's the king, huh?
Eric: You are.

Midge is at another therapist's office.