Donna: Will this day ever end?
Eric: Yesterday did, but today's Friday, so no. Oh God, it's Destroy and Giveback.
Donna: Why do they call them that?
Eric: You're about to find out.
Destroy: Hey, Foreplay. Oh. Aw.
Giveback: I believe this is yours. You broke his pencil. That was good!
Destroy: And you gave it back!
Mr. Pridewell: All right. Enough horseplay. Pipe down. I said pipe down! Now I've got an announcement. Before study hall, whoever burned their initials in the football field, I hope you're happy with yourself, punk. There will be no football practice today until we've reseeded. And I've watched that team. I'm not impressed, boy. Let me tell you. Given them all the practice they can get.

While the teacher is talking, Donna and Eric are passing notes.

Donna: Let's ditch study hall.
Eric: No way.
Donna: You're a wimp.
Eric: What?
Donna: You heard me!
Eric: Bitch.

The teacher catches Eric and Donna.

Mr. Pridewell: On a happier note, Eric. Donna. Do you need something to do?
Eric: Actually, we need to be excused. Uh, Donna and I are taking pictures for the yearbook.
Donna: Yeah.
Mr. Pridewell: Well, if you say so, Eric. You wouldn't lie.
Eric: Well, I might.
Mr. Pridewell: Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

Eric and Donna are driving in the Vista Cruiser.

Donna: This is great. Eric Forman skips class.
Eric: Danger is my middle name.

Hyde sits up in the back seat.

Hyde: Why are we moving?
Donna: Hyde?

Kelso sits up in the back seat.

Kelso: Ah, my knee.
Eric: What are you guys doing in here?
Hyde: What are you guys doing in here?
Eric: I cut class.
Hyde: Yeah right. Was there like a fire drill or something?
Eric: What? No, look I do bad things. Look! I've ditched class before!
Kelso: Oh, is Obi getting angry?
Eric: Look, what did I tell you about calling me Obi?
Donna: Obi, look out for that keg in the middle of the road!!

Everyone looks out the window.

Donna: Wow.
Eric: It is a keg.
Kelso: Of beer.
Hyde: It must be a sign.
Kelso: Of beer.
Eric: Oh, that's it. I'm cutting class every day.

OPENING CREDITS

Hyde and Kelso are bringing the keg into the Forman's basement.

Fez: How did you find it?
Hyde: Driving down the road, man, and there she was.
Fez: Oh, it was a beer in the headlights. That is my first American joke.
Eric: Wow. How often do you find a mysterious keg of free beer?
Kelso: Only once in a while.
Hyde: You were right, Forman, man. You were absolutely right. When God gives you a keg, you got to-
Fez: Kill a virgin.
Eric: No. Throw a party.
Donna: Whoa. Go for it, Eric.
Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party. Charge two bucks a head.
Kelso: Keg is equivalent to seven cases, that's a hundred sixty-eight beers. If we each drink three beers a piece-
Hyde: No way. Sophomores going to drink one. Maybe.
Kelso: True.
Hyde: Yeah, and the freshmen, he's going to drink a half.
Kelso: So that averages out to one point five beers per person. Which means we can invite a hundred and twelve people, and that's two hundred and twenty-four bucks.
Hyde: Cash.
Kelso: Which is decent.
Eric: OK. Grab some ice out of the deep freeze, I'll grab the tub.
Fez: Oh, that is one sweet mama.
Kelso: Yeah.

Kitty comes downstairs.

Kitty: Hey gang! Oh, oh, don't mind me. Just came down to do an emergency pre-soak on my nurses uniform. You remember Mr. Wilbur, the fireman? Well, he came in today with a sebaceous cyst, which is a, um, a pocket of fluid that's kind of like, a, a pussy bath oil bead under the skin, and you think it's solid, but if you take an instrument and you pierce the core, and then you, you apply pressure with your thumb, well hi, Snicklefritz. What are you doing with the tub?
Eric: The tub. We were just working on a class project.
Hyde: We're making a volcano. Snicklefritz.
Kitty: Out of ice? Well, I think it might melt.
Eric: Well, you heard her. Let's move it, gang!
Kitty: OK, well, have fun.

Kitty goes back upstairs.

Eric: Guys, we got to get the keg out of here.
Donna: Well, where are we having the party?
Kelso: Beats me. Hey, if you guys need me, I'll be with Jackie over at our secret make out place.
Donna: Secret make out place.
Kelso: It's this vacant house over on Sherman. I mean, this place is great. It's totally private, I mean, you can get away with about anything there. So if you guys find a place for that keg, let me know. I got an idea!

Bob and Midge are watching TV with Red.

Bob: That's a Sylvania, isn't it, Red? You didn't buy that in my store, did you?
Red: No, Bob. I got a good deal on it.
Bob: You got me.

Kitty comes out of the kitchen with treats.

Kitty: Well, I am just so excited! "Rich Man, Poor Man!" I missed the first episode.
Midge: Here's the irony of the show, Kitty. The rich, safe guy is boring. It's the poor, rugged one, played by the very talented Nick Nolte who is so exciting!!
Kitty: Well, super. Now who would like a drink?
Bob: Ooh. Let's do daiquiris, huh?
Kitty: Ooh! Ooh, I don't know if we have enough ice. Eric took a whole tubful.
Red: He took a tub of ice?
Kitty: Oh, the kids are making a volcano.
Midge: Right. Cause that's why Donna left with all the plastic cups.
Red: Plastic cups?
Midge: Plastic volcano cups.
Bob: If I didn't know better, I'd say they were having a kegger. Aw, geez.
Red: Let's go, Bob.

Red and Bob leave to go look for the kids.

Midge: Ooh, "Rich Man, Poor Man," I love it. I just hope I don't get too emotional.
Kitty: Oh, so do I.

Red and Bob are driving.

Bob: Those kids could be anywhere. The old needle in a haystack.
Red: Look. They left the house in a wood paneled ocean liner. We should be able to find them.
Bob: Yup. It's a real asphalt jungle out here. Sun goes down, the rats come out. I lost my mailbox last year. Oh yeah. You know what it is. The evil spilling over from Sheboygan. Oh, how many stores do you suppose there are in this naked bargain?
Red: Eight, Bob. There are eight.

Kelso and Jackie are making out. Eric, Donna, and Hyde are also in the pool, hoping that Jackie will say yes.

Jackie: Michael, this is our secret make out place. I did not swipe the key from my mother's real estate office so that you could have a party.
Kelso: I know, it's like a bonus. I'm doing it for you, baby.
Jackie: Oh, well. OK.
Donna: Empty pool, empty house, full keg. You sure know how to show a girl a good time.
Eric: Yeah, well. I don't color outside the lines often, but when I do, jump back, Low Raider.

Fez is sitting at the edge of the pool.

Hyde: I don't care when you ate, Fez! Get in the pool now!!
Fez: If I get a cramp, it will be on your head.
Jackie: OK. Hurry up and drink your keg.
Hyde: Hurry up and drink a keg?
Kelso: Jackie, will you just mellow out? I mean, this rules! We've got a keg, and soon everybody's going to be here.
Jackie: Everybody?
Eric: Everybody who matters. And for the first time, Jackie, that includes you.
Everybody: Awww.
Jackie: No! Get away from me!! Huh!
Hyde: You heard her, let's drink beer.
Kelso: Me first.
Donna: No way! I spotted it!
Kelso: I saw it too. I just didn't say anything.
Hyde: You saw a keg, and you didn't say anything? Back of the line!!
Eric: All right. How do you get the beer out?
Hyde: Through the tap.
Eric: What tap?
Hyde: NO!!!! OK, we really need a tap here.
Kelso: I got my Swiss Army knife.
Hyde: Oh great. We can whittle the beer out.
Donna: All right, look. They sell taps at the liquor store.
Hyde: Yeah, and who's got the money to buy it, huh?
Jackie: Why would I bring money to our secret make out place, Michael? Eric: OK. I've got my gas money.
Donna: No, Eric. We're not going to take your gas money.
Eric: Hey, it doesn't matter. By the end of the night, we'll have made over two hundred dollars.
Kelso: Yeah.
Jackie: Michael. Michael, how are we going to make two hundred dollars?
Kelso: I don't know.
Eric: Hey, who's buying the tap?
Kelso: You buy. I fly.
Jackie: No, Michael, you are, Michael come back here!! Michael, I am talking to you!! Michael!!

Two people show up for the party.

Fez: Welcome to the pool. I am your host, Fez. Two dollars, please.
Jackie: What is going on?
Eric: I didn't want to tell you before, Jackie, but we've taken it upon ourselves to help your mom show off the house at two bucks a head.

Donna and Hyde are sitting at the edge of the pool.

Hyde: He's lying to Jackie, man. I lie to Jackie! You know, it seems to me that the scrawny, little neighbor boy is willing to engage in criminal acts for that saucy redhead next door.
Donna: Shut up. How do you know he's not doing it to impress his friends? You know. Peer pressure.
Hyde: Because his friends aren't saucy.
Donna: Kelso's saucy.
Hyde: Kelso? Please. I'm saucier than Kelso.

Red is driving. Bob is singing along to the radio.

Bob: Then the door burst open wide! And my daddy stepped inside! And he kissed my mama's face! And he wiped the tears away!
Red: Would you turn that damn thing off?! Keep your eyes peeled for the Vista Cruiser!
Bob: Oki doki. La-la-la-la! Sorry.

Kelso is at the liquor store.

Kelso: Hey. See you got some new steins here. Hi. I'm twenty-five. I know I look young, but uh, my dad asked me to come down here and pick up a tap for his keg, and uh, he's forty-three, so we're both legal. No problem there. I'm not going to be drinking the beer or anything. Cause I don't believe in it. But no offense to you, I think selling liquor is a great thing.
Art: Yeah. Here you go.
Kelso: Yeah. It's cause I'm twenty-five, right?
Art: It's cause you got money.
Kelso: Yeah, but, but I am twenty-five.
Art: Well, don't need to be. Can't drink a tap.
Kelso: No, I can prove it to you. I got my IDs out in the-
Art: Well, it happens all the time. Take care.
Kelso: Yeah, but I-
Art: Leave. Now.
Kelso: Yeah.

Destroy and Giveback are vandalizing a pay phone.

Destroy: Oh! Kelsmo! What you got there?
Kelso: What? That was really funny, that thing you did with my name. Kelsmo. I got to go.
Destroy: Oh!!
Giveback: I believe this is yours. You broke his thing.
Destroy: And you gave it back!
Giveback: That was great! Yeah, yeah!

Midge and Kitty are hanging out in the living room.

Midge: So you see what I'm saying about the poor man?
Kitty: Yes. You have made your point. Many times.
Midge: He's a bad boy, he's hit some rough breaks, but he isn't bad in his soul.
Kitty: OK. OK. Enough daiquiris for you.
Midge: Kitty. What do you look for in a man?
Kitty: Oh, well. I'm married. I'm kind of through looking.
Midge: Kitty, you can always look. It helps you to fantasize. Like sometimes, I'm doing the news with Walter Cronkite.
Kitty: OK, um, I'm just, you know, I'm, I'm going to finish your daiquiri.

Kelso is back at the pool.

Donna: It's broken!
Kelso: I got duct tape.
Hyde: Do you know how much pressure runs through that tap?
Kelso: I got a whole roll of duct tape.
Hyde: I can't work like this. Forman, you need to get your dad's tap now.
Eric: My dad doesn't have a tap.
Hyde: Red's got bicentennial swizzle sticks. He's got fake lemons with real lemon juice. He's got toothpicks shaped like swords. Red Forman is a cocktail dad!! And cocktail dads have beer taps.
Kelso: Yeah, come on, Eric. We never ask you for anything.
Eric: You guys ask me for everything!!
Kelso: So what's one more thing?
Eric: No. Forget it. I've done enough today already. Count me out.
Destroy: Hey. Kelsmo. What? Your tap is broken? So why did you do something stupid like buy a stupid, broken tap? What are you, stupid?
Kelso: It wasn't broken until you broke it.
Destroy: Oh, man.
Giveback: Don't beat yourself up. You had no way of knowing. Anyways, we gave it back.
Eric: Yeah, broken.
Giveback: Hey, lay off him, all right?! He feels bad enough already!
Eric: Oh, he should because he's a moron.
Giveback: What did you say?!
Eric: I said that you're both morons. What are you going to do? You going to beat me up? What? You weigh four hundred pounds together? It doesn't matter! The fact is the tap is broken and it's your fault!! Morons!!
Destroy: You are so rude.
Giveback: Give us our four bucks back.
Eric: OK. Fez? Familiar?
Donna: Wow, Eric. You just tore their money!! And then you gave it back!
Eric: That was awesome.
Donna: Great!
Eric: That was awesome. But enough of this, levity wench. We came here to have a party, and as God is my witness, there will be a party!
Everyone: Huzzah!!

Red and Bob are at the liquor store.

Art: Nope, I haven't sold a keg all day, but a young guy did come in for a tap.
Red: Young guy, huh?
Bob: Oh look! They got pina colada in a can.
Red: Bob! We're doing something here.
Bob: Oh, right.
Kid: You know. I might have heard something about a party. I can't recall. Maybe uh, Andrew Jackson could remind me?
Bob: Andrew Jackson, huh? He's not in. But Abe Lincoln's hanging out with the Washington twins. Would they have any knowledge of the festivities?
Red: So. A real Wisenheimer, huh? Well, let's see how smart you are when I snap off your head!!
Kid: OK! OK, man! They, they said something about a vacant house on Sherman!
Bob: I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.
Red: Good work, Starsky. Let's uh, roll.

The party is underway. Jackie comes running.

Jackie: Everybody in the deep end!! My mother is showing the house!!
Donna: Now?
Jackie: People work!
Donna: All right, quiet down, everybody!!
Jackie's Mother: The deck is new, and this lovely tile walkway leads directly to the pool, which is filled with some of the local kids. Heavily Caucasian. It's a nice neighborhood.

Midge and Kitty are in the kitchen.

Midge: Sometimes Bob pretends he's poor. I call him Buster. He knocks on the door, and I answer it in my teddy. And he says, does the rich lady need any help around the house? And I say, I know something that needs attending to in the bedroom! I'll spare you the details, but it ends in whoop.
Kitty: You know, this is as much fun to make as it is to eat. You know, speaking of which, um, how do you get Bob to play those games?
Midge: I have a reward system.
Kitty: You know, sometimes Red would wear a sailor's uniform.
Midge: Really?
Kitty: Yeah. But he was in the Navy.
Midge: Oh, Kitty!

Eric pops out from behind the bar with the tap. Midge and Kitty come out of the kitchen, and Eric hides behind the kitchen door.

Midge: Does he still have his sailor's uniform?
Kitty: Oh no. He just has the hat.

Eric comes down the side of the pool using the garden hose to rapel down.

Eric: I stole my dad's tap!

Eric turns around, and Red and Bob are already in the pool, surrounded by the gang, and two cops.

Eric: Back from those thieves.
Bob: We were worried sick.
Red: You had us driving all over town.
Bob: We missed "Rich Man, Poor Man."
Hyde: Excuse us, Red.
Red: What are you doing?
Kelso: We're just going to grab this keg.
Red: Get out of here! We're not finished with this.
Bob: Neither are we.
Red: Now you take her home, and you wait for me. That's an order!
Bob: Ditto. Come here. I can't stay mad at you with that cute face.
Red: Get your ugly butt home!

Eric and Donna are sitting on the hood of the Vista Cruiser.

Eric: My dad's going to kill me.
Donna: You're always saying that.
Eric: I mean, I cut class, I trespassed, I had stolen beer, and then I swung into a pool full of cops on a garden hose carrying my dad's tap!
Donna: Yeah, that was so cool.
Eric: Really?
Donna: Really. You looked dangerous.
Eric: Did I uh, mention that I killed a guy in algebra?
Donna: Good night. Killer.
Eric: Bring it on, Red.

Bob and Red are drinking the keg with the cops.

Red: I love that boy.
Bob: Eric's a good kid.
Red: That Donna's real sweet too.
Cop #1: Man, that Donna's real hot!
Bob: Hey, that's my daughter!
Cop #1: I'm just saying-
Bob: You don't think I know what you're saying?!
Red: All right, Bob. It's time to go. We'll just uh, take-
Cop: Hey, hey, hey!!! Get out of here!!

Red takes the tap off the keg.