Fez: OK, here we go. Right hand, blue.
Eric: Fez, you can't play Twister by yourself.
Fez: That's where you are wrong, my friend. Right leg, green. Oh, that's going to be tough.
Hyde: Hey, Fez, man. The circus called. They said they'll pay you $50 a week if you can kiss your own ass.
Fez: Take a message!

Donna comes in the door excited.

Donna: I have the greatest news in the world! How the hell are you doing that?
Fez: I'm double jointed.
Donna: Super. My parents are renewing their wedding vows.
Eric: Double dating degenerates and skeazy bar hags just lost its appeal?
Hyde: You'd be amazed at how fast skeazy bar hags lose their appeal. But then, like two beers later, it all comes roaring back.
Donna: No. Finally the insanity's over. You know, I'm really happy about this Eric, and you should be too. My parents have been driving me nuts, and I've probably been a little moody lately.
Eric: No. God, you haven't been moody. Mouths to Hyde: So moody.
Kelso: Oh, this is great. Jackie's going to get wedding fever. Man, all I'm going to hear is Michael, at our wedding, don't shove cake in my face. And you better know how to dance, and there will not be a trampoline. A wedding without a trampoline. That's crazy talk.
Hyde: Yeah, it'd be like a funeral without a dunk tank.
Kelso: Yeah, you know, she even knows what kind of china pattern she wants. Pink and purple with unicorns. Who wants to see a unicorn when they're eating pie?
Fez: Left leg, yellow. Will someone please help me get my pants off?
Eric: NO!!

OPENING CREDITS

Eric is over at Donna's house, where Donna is writing her parents' wedding vows.

Donna: Quit!
Eric: Wait, are you sure you have to help your parents with their wedding vows?
Donna: Yes. Quit.
Eric: I got a vow. I vow to kiss you so hard your pretty little redhead pops off. No. I'm going to make that happen.
Donna: Quit.
Eric: Donna, I'm sorry. The pinning me only makes it sexier.

Donna's parents come into the living room.

Bob: Hey kids!
Eric: Hey, Donna! Get off of me! Hello.
Donna: So, uh, what's up?
Bob: Your mom and I have been talking. We have a few ideas about the vows. First of all, a wedding is a nice way to spend the day. Write that down. Spending the day with your mom is nice. That's my first vow.
Eric: I don't think that's a vow.
Bob: Yes, it is.
Donna: OK. Uh, Mom. Why do you want to get remarried?
Midge: When your dad and I were in the attic, we figured out I still fit in my wedding dress.
Bob: That's good too. Midge, you're as thin today as the day I married you. That's a nice vow.

Bob is talking with Red and Kitty about the wedding.

Bob: So both the ceremony and reception will be completely green and gold. In honor of the Packers.
Red: That's classy, Bob.
Bob: And Red, since you and I have a special bond, I'd like you to be my best man.
Red: Ah-ha-ha-ha. Really?
Bob: Yup.
Red: I don't know, Bob.
Kitty: Oh, I think that is just lovely.
Red: Eh, fine. I'd love to be your best man.
Bob: And Kitty, since you and Midge are so close, she'd like to ask you a special favor.
Kitty: Oh, Bob! I would be honored to be Midge's-
Bob: She'd like you to bring chairs.
Kitty: Chair bringer.
Bob: Oh, Steven! How would you like to be our wedding photographer?
Hyde: Nope. I like to party at parties.
Bob: I'll give you ten bucks.
Hyde: Twenty, plus a meatball sub.
Bob: Deal.
Hyde: Deal.
Bob: Well, got to go pick up my green and gold tux. It's a special order. Guy looked at me like I was an idiot. Yeah, that was the look.
Kitty: Well, can you beat that? Midge and I are much better friends than you and Bob.
Red: Well, men's friendships-
Kitty: All of my life, I have wanted to be a bridesmaid! None of my friends have ever asked me to be a bridesmaid!
Red: Well, that's cause you're too pretty.
Kitty: Oh, can it, that's not going to work. I am going to be a bridesmaid.
Red: Hey. Want to be the best man?

Leo is talking to a drive through customer.

Leo: I'm sorry, man. I must have lost your film. Are you sure it was this hut?
Hyde: Hey man. All right, check this out, OK? Friend of mine is having a wedding this weekend and I told him that I'd be the photographer.
Leo: Cool, man. I remember my wedding. It was magical, man. Chicks and booze everywhere.
Hyde: And I'd be willing to miss all that chicky boozy fun to take pictures, you know? But Leo, man, I got a problem. I can't see through the viewfinder because I have a glass eye.
Leo: How come your eye doesn't look like glass, man?
Hyde: Well, that's because it's special space age glass.
Leo: Whoa! Your eye was in space?! That's awesome, man!
Hyde: OK. So here's the deal, all right? Job pays 10 bucks and half a meatball sub.
Leo: Hm.
Hyde: So I'm missing out on a pretty sweet deal here. Damn you, glass eye!
Leo: Well, hey, I could use the ten bucks, man. And half a meatball sub. If only I had a camera. Whoa!! Hey, it's all coming together, man!

The guys are suiting up for the rehearsal dinner.

Fez: Why do we have to get all dressed up for this stupid rehearsal dinner?
Eric: Because my mom said so.
Hyde: And we don't argue with Mommy.
Kelso: OK, so Jackie hasn't made me read a single Brides magazine. I'm telling you man, ever since I set her house on fire, she's been acting really weird.
Eric: Hey, you know, uh, when I'm trying to get in good with Donna, you know what works for me? I don't set her house on fire! Yeah.
Kelso: Oh, sure, hindsight's twenty twenty.

Laurie comes in.

Laurie: Here, loser. Mom wants you to put this on.
Kelso: Hey, Laurie.
Laurie: Where have you been, you idiot?!
Kelso: Oh, well, Jackie was-
Laurie: I told you never to say that name to me! We have a relationship!!
Kelso: That's true, so...
Laurie: Shut up!!

Everyone is at the rehearsal dinner.

Kelso: Jackie. Hear me now. I am not helping with any of the wedding stuff.
Jackie: Good.
Kelso: Oh, nice try, Jackie, but the reverse psychology's not going to work on me. My mind's too powerful.
Jackie: Whatever.
Kelso: OK. No wait, Jackie, that's confusing! I'm not chasing after you!

Kelso goes after Jackie.

Bob: Oh, Kitty. Would you like to meet the bridesmaids?
Kitty: Oh, Bob. Would I like to be a bridesmaid?
Bob: No, would you like to meet the bridesmaids?
Kitty: Oh. Whatever. Fine.
Bob: Uh, Kitty, this is Barbara, Honor, and Holly.
Kitty: Hi.
Bob: Holly's the maid of honor.
Holly: Which is ironic that Honor is not the maid of honor.
Honor: I am so going to get you.
Holly: Shut up.
Barbara: For God sake, don't do this now.
Holly & Honor: You shut up.
Barbara: I didn't fly in from Istanbul for this.
Kitty: Well, um, well that is just a lovely dress. Where do the batteries go? Ha-ha-ha-ha!! Drink up! OK, Red, you're the best man, you make the toast. I would, but I'm not from Istanbul.
Red: Eh, fine. Ahem. Excuse me. Hello! Listen up, you bastards!! Um, sorry about the bastards thing. Anyway, I'd like to make a special toast to two very special people, Bob and Midge.
All: Awwwww...
Red: Bob and Midge. Bobby and Midgey. Here's to Bob and Midge!
Kitty: Yay!!
Midge: Red, that was a lovely toast.
Red: Well, thanks.
Midge: Kitty, I have another big favor to ask.
Kitty: Uh-huh?
Midge: At the ceremony, I'm wearing something old, something new, something borrowed, and I wondered if you had something blue I could borrow.
Kitty: No, but I have something sharp and rusty I'd love to give you.
Donna: Um, Dad. Can I talk to you for a second? I've been trying to work what we talked about into your vows, but I'm having a little trouble.
Bob: You put in that thing about your mom staying thin?
Donna: Yeah.
Bob: So what's the problem?
Donna: Well, Dad, it just doesn't seem very...
Bob: Hey! There's nothing in there about me being thin, is there? Cause I can't get enough of these weenies.
Donna: I can't believe this!
Eric: Hey, good looking! Have a cocktail weenie?
Donna: Uh! Leave me alone!
Eric: What? That's not a metaphor. Look! Cocktail weenies.

Eric and Donna head downstairs to talk.

Donna: My God! Can you believe it?!
Eric: I know! It's unbelievable!
Donna: These are wedding vows, Eric. Vows! They're supposed to mean something!
Eric: Well, yeah, that's what I said, and I was told to shut up.
Donna: Shut up, what is this?
Eric: Scotch and soda.
Donna: Ugh! That's not Scotch!
Eric: You're right. It's a Shirley Temple. I just, I didn't want to say that, cause it sounded like something Christy McNickel would drink, so...
Donna: God! Their marriage almost ended, they put me through hell, and now they're getting back together. It's like it doesn't even mean anything! How am I supposed to write about love when they are the worst example in the entire world?!
Eric: OK. Look, they may not be the best example, but they do love each other. They just can't express it, or really any thoughts more complex than I'm hungry. But the important thing is, that they really do love each other.
Donna: Yeah, I guess they do.
Eric: They do! You know they do. And that's why they need you to say what they can't say. Because despite your bimbo-like good looks, you're very smart. Look, write the vows that you would write. And Donna, I know, I know it'll be great.
Donna: OK. Thanks.

It's the day of the ceremony, and everyone is filing in.

Hyde: Oh, hey, Fez. Uh, if anybody asks, this is a glass eye.
Fez: What?
Hyde: Hey! Leo, man. You all set?
Leo: Totally, man, I got everything.
Hyde: Great. Where's the camera?
Leo: I got everything but the camera, or the film, or the flash cues. Heh, I got nothing, man.
Hyde: Leo, man. The Photo Hut is loaded with that stuff.
Leo: I know, it's ironic, isn't it?
Hyde: And yet, not surprising.
Leo: Hey, I'm Leo. And I'm also a Leo. Think about it.
Holly: Yeah. Wow. I'm Holly. And I think that's deep.
Kelso: Boy, this wedding's going to be pretty lame without a trampoline, huh?
Jackie: Whatever.
Kelso: All right, Jackie, if you're mad at me, well then, use your mad voice. And if you're not, well then, lady, you better start chewing my ear off like usual!!
Jackie: Look, Michael. I'm not mad, OK?
Kelso: Ah! Could you be any more annoying?
Jackie: Yes!
Midge: Oh, Kitty, it's a disaster! The ceremony's starting, and I can't find Holly!
Kitty: Well, I'm sure she's here somewhere. I bet if we listen real hard, we can hear her dress. All right, sweetie, I'll help you look.
Midge: Holly!

Kitty hears sounds coming from the coat closet.

Holly: Have you ever seen a girl do this before?
Leo: Uh, once in Amsterdam. I love photography, man.
Kitty: Oh my. Midge! Sweetie, now, I just um, I just, I don't have a good feeling about this.
Midge: What am I going to do?
Kitty: Well, you don't worry about that. You go back inside.
Midge: Oh, thank you, Kitty.
Kitty: You're welcome. I win!
Kelso: Jackie! This is for you.
Jackie: Oh my God! Pink and purple with a unicorn, you remembered!
Kelso: Of course I remembered. I remember everything you tell me, even when you think I don't.
Jackie: Really. What's my favorite season?
Kelso: Fall.
Jackie: Why?
Kelso: The outfits flatter your chest and eyes.
Jackie: And?
Kelso: Slimming lines and dark colors.
Jackie: Oh my God! Michael! When you started acting like an immature jerk, I started having doubts about us. But now this purple and pink unicorn candy just proves you're grown up. Oh!
Kitty: I'm a bridesmaid.
Bob: First of all, Midge and I would like to thank everyone for coming. Really means a lot to us. The vows we're exchanging were written by our daughter, Donna, whom we love very much. Midgey, I consider it a privilege to be your husband. Donna, I actually feel that way.
Midge: Bob, I'm proud and very grateful to be your wife.
Bob: We've known each other since we were practically kids.
Midge: So we know all the good stuff.
Bob: And all the not so good stuff about each other.
Midge: I can't imagine feeling about anyone else the way I feel about you.
Bob: Because I love you. I always loved you. And I want to make you a promise.
Midge: No matter what happens.
Bob: Good or bad.
Midge: I will always love you.
Kitty: Awww! Ha-ha-ha!

Donna and Eric are in Eric's bedroom.