Fun Things
to Do When You’re Bored
Someone once wrote something to the effect that only boring people get bored. I find this statement not only, well, boring, but also patently untrue. Sure, the world is filled with interesting people to meet, great literature to read, fascinating places to visit, and challenging work to do, but that’s just not good enough, is it? The fact is, everyone finds themselves bored to death at some point in their lives: kings, rock stars, monster-truck drivers, pianny players at Old West theme parks, Oscar-winning actors, the guys who come up with new Slurpee flavors—even supermodels (and remember, they can look at themselves naked anytime they want).
The solution? Get a hobby.
Hahahahaha! Seriously, here’s what to do: Whenever ennui has you by the short ones, choose an activity from among the following, perform it immediately, and watch that world-weary little frown turn upside down!
*
In a crowded bar, casually observe the
televised weather forecast. When they show the high- and
low-pressure systems working their way across the country, start
shaking, stand up, point to the screen, and shriek, “Run for
your lives! There’s a giant H about to land on the
city!” Flee the bar.
*
Invent an imaginary friend. Call her
Heidi. Let nature take its course.
*
In the middle of the night, noisily
bury a fully dressed mannequin in your backyard. Arrange lawn
furniture on the fresh mound and sit down in it quickly when the
police arrive.
*
Confide with weary resignation to a
stranger, “My blessing, my curse, is an ability to see farts
before others can hear or smell them.” Pause, then, eyes
wide, focus on a nearby butt and shout, “Incoming!”
Pull the startled stranger to the floor.
*
Learn the words to at least one
hard-core gangsta rap song. Change the melody to that of an Irish
folk ballad and sing it under your breath in a crowded elevator.
*
Print official-looking contracts that
say: i, the undersigned, agree to sell my soul to the devil.
Offer people 10 bucks to sign them. If no one will sign an
official-looking contract, present them with one in crayon.
*
Commit a crime, then go to the police
station and volunteer to stand in criminal lineups. Even if your
victim picks you out, you get off scot-free!.
*
Get a Medic Alert bracelet that reads
frequently requires oral-genital resuscitation. Then go to a
hospital and pass out in front of a cute nurse.
*
Purchase a shopping cart full of
groceries, and when the bagger asks, “Paper or
plastic?” see how long you can hold up the line making up
your mind. Then get flustered and try to carry the whole cartful
in your arms.
*
Tail a stranger for two hours while
discreetly talking into the flower on your lapel..
*
Get a video camera and microphone and
chase a local TV news crew around. Interrupt on-the-scene shots
by shouting questions like “Who’s your favorite
Beatle?”
*
Fly around the world with one of those
big foam rubber we’re #1! hands and have pictures taken of
you using it to pick the noses of the Sphinx, Michelangelo’s
David, Jefferson on Mount Rushmore, etc. (Although, if you had
that money, you probaly wouldn't be bored)
*
At an art museum, pretend to be blind
(big dark glasses, long white cane) and fondle all the
sculptures. Tilt your head quizzically whenever you touch marble
genitalia, then give a cry of delighted surprise.
*
Set a Slinky “walking” down
an up escalator in any large department store.
*
Have bright green eyes tattooed on
your eyelids.(funny,but no)
*
Trace your hand with middle finger
raised 15 times on a piece of cardboard and cut out the hands.
Leave them lying all over your body while you tan at the beach.
Remove them, wait 15 minutes, walk down the beach, look at
yourself, and shout, “Oh, no…not again!”
*
See how many miles your car will go
with the gas gauge on E. Then do it again, only this time
remember to bring a gas can.
*
Before your next party, squeeze little
balls of toothpaste onto a silver dish; let them dry and tell
guests they’re homemade after-dinner mints.
*
Wash out a gas can and punch a hole in
it, then fill it with water and carry it down a busy lunch-hour
sidewalk while smoking the biggest cigar you can find.
*
Rush yourself to the ER and explain to
the night nurse you were resting on your leg for a long time and
now it feels like pins and needles. Ask if they’ll have to
amputate.
*
Go to a planetarium. Wait until the
presentation is halfway through, stand up, and shout, “No!
No! They’ve got it all wrong. That’s not how I did it
at all!”
*
Go to the local police station and
tell the desk officer that a dog told you bad things were going
to happen today and they should be prepared.
*
Rearrange the letters on the marquee
outside an elementary school.
*
BE
PREPARED
Boredom can strike anywhere, anytime. Here’s what to do.
*On the bus- Before sitting down, place a newspaper on the seat. At least once a minute, stand up and turn a page. Sit down again.
*During a bingo evening: Shout “Pingo!” or “Dingo!” at an arbitrary point in each game. When the other players get mad, patiently explain that it’s really their mistake.
*At the airport: When boarding the plane, confide to the captain that you’re a former air force pilot and it’s been years since you sat in a cockpit. If he lets you take the chair, make extremely loud, childish vroom-vroom noises until he throws you out.
*While baby-sitting: Teach the little tyke to play chess, then beat him mercilessly over and over. Don’t forget to taunt.
*At the bookstore: Write your name and phone number inside any books labeled erotica for women.
*At McDonalds: When you get up to the counter, ask for directions to another McDonalds. Smile vacantly when they try to explain that all McDonalds serve the same food. Then insist on those directions again.
*In the bathroom:
Shave your sideburns so they form quotation marks.
FUN
WITH PHONES
For a good time, call the following—and keep calling.
Yeah, yeah, I know: The Telephone Is Not a Toy. On the other hand, it’s a damned easy way to amuse yourself when you’re too bored to get up off your ass, put on clothes that match, and find something useful to do. So get that index finger limbered up!
* Call an undertaker and ask, “Hypothetically, how long could a body buried in a basement go undetected before neighbors picked up the stink?”
* Call a newspaper or magazine’s personal ad department and leave messages for women who say they’re looking for “generous” or “financially stable” men. Explain in a British accent that you are a wealthy investor with a slight heart condition and a private jet, and that you’re in search of a traveling companion. Leave the phone number of a local homeless shelter or mental hospital.
* Call your high school English teacher, and confess that you’ve burned with desire for her since and want to start a phone sex relationship. If she says no, say, “Well, would you know the number for Mr. Pyle, the wood shop teacher?”
* Call a poison control center. Say you just ate a whole container of Tic Tacs and you feel “all minty” inside.
* Call an addiction hotline and explain that you’re hooked on phonics.