* Horn broken. Watch for finger. 

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. 

* All generalizations are false. 

 * Cover me. I'm changing lanes. 

* I brake for no apparent reason. 

* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. 

* I'm not as think as you drunk I am. 

* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. 

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? 

* He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 

* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. 

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. 

* I love cats...they taste just like chicken. 

* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

* Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. 

* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. 

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 

* Rehab is for quitters. 

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. 

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. 

* All men are idiots, and I married their King. 

* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. 

* Work is for people who don't know how to fish. 

* Montana-At least our cows are sane! 

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 

* If you don't like the news, go out and make some. 

* When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS. 

* Sorry, I don't date outside my species. 

* No radio - Already stolen. 

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. 

* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. 

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? 

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. 

* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. 

* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. 

* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. 

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 

* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. 

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. 

* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. 

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. 

* Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? 

* How can I miss you if you won't go away? 

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. 

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. 

* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. 

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. 

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. 

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 

* i souport publik edekashun. 

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... 

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. 

* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? 

* Ever stop to think and forget to start again? 

1. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette 
2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 
3. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic 
4. Jesus is coming - everyone look busy 
5. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them 
6. I used to have a handle on life but it broke. 
7. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. 
8. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 
9. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 
10. I got a gun for my wife - best trade I ever made. 
11. So you're a feminist . . . Isn't that cute! 
12. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 
13. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe 
14. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 
15. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 
16. My kid had sex with your honor student. 
17. Earth first . . . we'll mine the other planets later 
18. Jesus loves you . . . . everyone else thinks you're an asshole 
19. I'm just driving this way to piss you off. 
20. Jesus paid for our sins . . . now lets get our money's worth! 
21. Out of my mind - back in 5 minutes. 
22. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 
23. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
24. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 
25. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 
26. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. 
27. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 
28. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 
29. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 
30. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 
 
 
 

 * Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. 

 * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? 
 * He who laughs last thinks slowest. 
 * Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math. 
 * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 
 * Auntie Em,  Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.  Dorothy. 

 * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
 * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. 
 * Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes. 
 * Born free...Taxed to death. 
 * The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. 

 * Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 
 * Rehab is for quitters. 
 * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. 
 * All men are idiots, and I married their King. 
 * Work is for people who don't know how to fish. 

 * Montana-At least our cows are sane! 
 * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 
 * When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS. 
 * Sorry, I don't date outside my species. 
 * No radio - Already stolen.= 

 * Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. 
 * I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 
 * Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 
 * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? 
 * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 

 * Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off NOW. 
 * Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. 
 * IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. 
 * Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. 
 * It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 

 * According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. 
 * Pride is what we have.  Vanity is what others have. 
 * Reality?  Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? 
 * How can I miss you if you won't go away? 
 * Warning:  Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. 

 * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 
 * We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse. 
 * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. 
 * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 
 * Puritanism:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. 

 * Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps. 
 * i support public edekashun. 
 * Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home. 
 * There are 3 kinds of people:  those who can count & those who can't. 
 * Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? 

 * Ever stop to think and forget to start again? 
 * Keep honking...I'm reloading. 
 * Caution:  I drive like you do. 
 * If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
 * For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never  opened, small stain. 

 * Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 
 * Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! 
 * I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol 
 *  couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 
 * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 

 * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 
 * Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
 * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met 
 * I intend to live forever - so far, so good 
 * If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! 

 * Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! 
 * Mind Like  A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States 
 * Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. 
 * Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have 
 * Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. 

 * The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 
 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 
 * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.