< Signs of our times > 

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are 
not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. 

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. 
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing 
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each 
one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going 
alphabetically by national order. 

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. 

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office 
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. 

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the 
job of the chambermaid. 

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: 
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where 
famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried 
daily except Thursday. 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the 
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. 

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet 
soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; 
roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. 

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend 
courageous, efficient self-service. 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results. 

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. 

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we 
will execute customers in strict rotation. 

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of 
Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and 
sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. 

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking 
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. 

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our 
black forest camping site that people of different sex, 
for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are 
married with each other for that purpose. 

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of 
the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the 
lobby be used for this purpose. 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. 

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been 
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. 

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the 
afternoon having a good time. 

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city 
tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages. 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on 
your own ass? 

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. 

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. 

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work 
throughout its useful life. 

Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. 

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. 

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner 
if dressed as a man. 

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them 
in all directions. 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the 
USSR, you are welcome to it. 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have 
children in the bar. 

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any 
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. 

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. 

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water 
served here. 

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they 
are best in the long run. 

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air 
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of 
warm in your room, please control yourself. 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot 
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him 
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle 
him with vigor. 

Two signs from a Moroccan shop entrance: 
- English well talking. 
- Here speeching American. 

odd signs in england 
 
 

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all 
   your clothes when the light goes out. 

 2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs 

 3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday 
    please bring it back or further steps will be taken. 

 4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the 
  teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. 

 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR:: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. 
 (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) 

 6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, 
 washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. 

 7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. 
By order of the District Council. 

 8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their 
garments here for  more than 30 days will be disposed of. 

 9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. 

 10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car 

 11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, 
there is a day care on the first floor. 

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. 

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. 

 14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything 
(Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) 

 15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. 
Please use floor below. 

The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A. 

          At a Santa Fe gas station: 
          "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." 

          In a New York restaurant: 
          "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager." 

          On the wall of a Baltimore estate: 
          "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. 
          --Sisters of Mercy" 

          On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 
          "38 years on the same spot." 

          In a Los Angeles dance hall: 
          "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." 

          In a Florida maternity ward: 
          "No children allowed." 

          In a New York drugstore: 
          "We dispense with accuracy." 

          In the offices of a loan company: 
          "Ask about our plans for owning your home." 

          In a New York medical building: 
          "Mental Health Prevention Center" 

          On a New York convalescent home: 
          "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." 

          On a Maine shop: 
          "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship." 

          At a number of military bases: 
          "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." 

          On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: 
          "Now available in multi-packs." 

          In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: 
        "Don't kill your wife.  Let our washing machine do the dirty work." 

          In a funeral parlor: 
          "Ask about our layaway plan." 

          In a clothing store: 
          "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." 

          In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 
          "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" 

          On a shopping mall marquee: 
          "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" 

          Outside a country shop: 
          "We buy junk and sell antiques." 

          In the window of an Oregon store: 
          "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" 

          In a Maine restaurant: 
          "Open 7 days a week and weekends." 

          On a radiator repair garage: 
          "Best place to take a leak." 

          In the vestry of a New England church: 
          "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual 
          light is extinguished." 

          In a Pennsylvania cemetery: 
          "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." 

          On a roller coaster: 
          "Watch your head." 

          On the grounds of a public school: 
          "No trespassing without permission." 

          On a Tennessee highway: 
          "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."