A medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center got a call from a woman who was very upset. She had caught her little daughter eating ants. The student quickly reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. The student recommended bringing the child into the ER right away. 

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there. 

This is from a Wal-Mart employee:
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message; 
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance." 

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet." 

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) 

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?) 

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block thru a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. 

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 

Seattle : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. 

Newark : A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. 

Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. 

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. 

Some top tips on how to get by in life courtesy of Viz magazine
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. 

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker 'Dustbuster'. The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace. 

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties. 

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of 'oomph'. 

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers. 

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice. 

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside. 

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it. 

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes. 

Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes. 

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water. P.J.Ruddock London 

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. 

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have. 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. 

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets. 

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have sex without waking her up. 

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub. 

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt. 

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes. 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner 

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies. 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. 

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards. 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. 

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck. 

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments. 

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car. 

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee. 

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making 'blinkers' out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple. 

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. 

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. 

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut. 

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame. 

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. 

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball. 

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time. 

Play 'Moth Aircraft Carriers' by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings. 

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini 'High Chaparral' style branding irons. 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. 

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by 'War Of The Worlds' style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes. 

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place. 

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly. 

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls. 

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them. 

Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time. 

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. 

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. 

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply. 

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. 

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. 

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. 

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. 

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak. 

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking. 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. 

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her. 

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. 

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. 

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis. 

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets. 

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job. 

Dont buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. 

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that 'wolfy' feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.