SPAM!!!!!

YUM! Looks almost edible in this light (almost being the key word)



    Spam; it's something all of us who use the internet have to deal with everyday.  And no, I am not talking about that canned gelatinous meat-like product found in your grocery store, although internet spam is no less slimy.  Basically spamming is when internet solicitors flood your inbox with junk mail, and we here at Words of Wisdom;  being the clever bastards that we are thought it would make a damn funny page.  And here; for no particular reason, are the ingredients for Spam:
Ingredients:

Chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added.
Salt (for binding, flavour, and firmness)
Water (to help in mixing)
Sugar (for flavour)
Sodium Nitrite (for colour and as a preservative)

    Kind of odd, they forgot to mention the hog anus.  Oh well, with that note let us begin.



    I swear I've gotten this message at least a dozen times.  The Subject: Real University Diplomas!  Bask in the stupidity that is this message:

From: mwcarson 
Subject: REAL UNIVERSITY DIPLOMAS
Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power,
and the admiration of all.

Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited
universities based on your present knowledge
and life experience.

No required tests, classes, books, or interviews.

Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD)
diplomas available in the field of your choice.

No one is turned down.

Confidentiality assured.

CALL NOW to receive your diploma
within days!!!

1 - 7 1 3 - 8 6 6 - 6 5 9 7

Call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including
Sundays and holidays.

    Ha ha!  I laugh in your face, all you College students working hard for your diplomas!  Why go through all that trouble when you can just order one and recieve it within days?  My favorite part of this whole thing is when it says that you'll earn the admiration of all.  Sure, everyone will be so envious of you and your  "prestigous" diploma that you ordered over the phone.  What kind of job are you going to get with one of these things anyway?  Finally, a way to a college diploma without all those pesky tests and books and classes and crap. 



    Pay close attention to this one:

Subject: Vampire Activity in Translyvania?

GIRLS DISAPPEAR UNDER MYSTERIOUS
CIRCUMSTANCES

TRANSYLVANIA (IT) - Two attractive young women
have disappeared while vacationing in the
Transylvanian Mountains. Their garments have been
found stained with partially digested blood and bat
and human saliva. This and similar occurrences are
causing international concern.  Detective Iulia
Popescu of the Transylvanian Police has concluded
that the missing people are now slaves to the
infamous Count Dracula.
(How brilliant these police must be.  Is this always the first conclusion they always come to when a crime has been committed?  "Yes, Chief, there has been a break-in and 57 Pine Street, my first guess would be that Count Dracula would be our prime suspect."  Sorry to interrupt, but I love that line")

Does this news article frighten you?
(No.)

WE INVITE YOU TO COME TO TRANSYLVANIA.
on an inexpensive, complete travel package
that includes roundtrip airfare, ground transportation,
hotels, food, tips, sightseeing, guides, entertainment,
horrifying surprises - everything.

The expedition will spend several days exploring the
Transylvanian Mountains, home to the bloodsucking
Master of Midnight.

During your ordeal, you will visit the authentic
haunts of the Count himself including his private
castle.  You will also have a terrifying stay in a
region that was controlled in the 15th century by
the Count's father, Vlad Dracul.
(Dumbasses, at least make your spam belivable, Vlad Dracul was known as Dracula, he wasn't "the Count's father" or whatever.)

You will stay in comfortable, carefully selected
hotels feasting on lusty local cuisine and sipping
the full-bodied, blood red wines of the region.
(Can food be described as "lusty"?)

You will be eagerly serviced by fair maidens and
handsome lads naive in the ways of the world and
fascinated by foreigners.
(Sorry, words fail me at a moment like this.  It's too funny!)

While relaxing, you will spend quiet romantic
evenings by candlelight with a companion, serenaded
by gypsy violinists.  Or, if you prefer, you will be
swept away by the frenzied dancing of costumed
locals.  Casinos are also available for the more
daring.

From the moment you step off the plane, there will be
lots of fun and nasty surprises.  They will delight
and frighten you - but you will be safe.

This theme tour is for men and women, young and
old alike.  Only the weak, cowardly, and impotent will
flee from this unique opportunity.
(Impotent?  Some Viagra will clear that right up.)

This tour is fully guaranteed and organized by a
licensed international travel bureau.  Entertainment
and effects performed on location by professional
theatrical troupes.
(Of course they can't tell us exaclty which travel bureau thayt is.  I wonder why?)

Space is limited so the courageous must apply
immediately.

Call 1-713-866-4056.

We await your call seven days a week, 24 hours a day,
including Sundays and holidays.

    Did you notice that the e-mail address and phone numbers listed here is almost the same as the e-mail about unviersity diplomas?  Christ, people will do anything to sell their worthless products.  All in all this is the worst attempt I've ever seen for someone to get me to buy something.  I can just imagine the phone call:
"Hello, I'm interested in taking your Transylvanian tour."
"Oh, I'm sorry sir.  That package has been cancelled.  Hey, would you be interested in purchasing a real university diploma?"



From: 
Subject: Lucky You!
 
 

Lucky You!
For a limited time only you can register for a vacation getaway to FLORIDA.  This vacation package is now offered directly to the public.  Cut out the middle man and get the vacation you deserve at travel agent rates!  Note everyone who registers will qualify for this vacation package, only those who meet certain requirements will get the chance to enjoy this vacation of a lifetime.  International travelers welcomed.  Register today to see if you qualify.  If qualified you will be contacted by a customer service representative with all the details.  There is no obligation for registering, so what have you got to lose?  Don't sit around wondering if you qualify!

    Wow!  I must be extremely lucky since this is the fifth time I've gotten this e-mail!  Lucky me, huh?  Five vacations to Florida, all right!  I like the "Vacation you deserve" bit.  That's an awfully big assumption on their part.  What if I'm a total bastard?



Maybe it's just me but something doesn't seem very, well, legal about this.

From: 
Subject:You'll be amazed at what you can find out
Information Is Power!

With CYBER DETECTIVE You Can Have
All The Power You Could Ever Want!

Locate People - Find Almost Anyone

Lots of information, extensive contact sources
and tools that will allow you to:
- Find people who have relocated
- Find people who have changed their name or address
- Locate resources for adoption related searches
- Determine which locate source to use and how
- Have the government locate deadbeat parents
- Locate people using public records available to anyone
- Locate military buddies
- Find addresses using just a phone number
- Create a map showing directions to a person's house
- How to follow the paper trail almost everyone leaves
- Use the same tips & tricks that investigator's use when all else fails
- Use the post office to determine the address behind a PO Box

Tap Into Investigative Sources

How and where to investigate, perform or locate:
- Credit information
- Driver's records
- Lawsuit information, civil and criminal
- Employment screening
- Criminal records
- Asset identification
- Your own FBI file
- Bounty hunter resources
- Investigative information
- Secrets of someone's past
- Find tax liens, property records, vehicle ownership
and many other public records
- Business records
- Where to listen in on the police radios (scanner)
- Check on doctors, lawyers or other professionals. Determine
their track records.

Search And Make Use Of Various Government Resources

Extensive public record sources and Government resources
- State by state information and listings to Government provided
public records
- Searchable Government databases and useful Government publications
- CIA, FBI and secret service information
- Information on obtaining documents under the FOIA
- Legal databases
- Court documents

Visit Numerous Internet Information Sources
Know everything there is to know about the Internet
underground and how you can protect yourself

- Send anonymous email
- Visit illegal drug archives
- Track anyone's newsgroup postings
- Surf anonymously on the net
- Learn how to protect privacy at home and on the net
- Check the Internet's better business bureau
- Visit illegal software piracy sites
- Visit anarchist sites
- Search criminal databases
- Visit virus distribution and prevention sites
- Search the underground bookstores & gather underground information
- Find unusual products and spy related gadgets

*Uncover Your OWN Family History!
*Find Birth, Death & SOCIAL SECURITY Records!
*Find UNLISTED Phone Numbers!
*Investigate Your Own CREDIT REPORTS!
*Track Someone's Internet Activity To See EVERY Site They Visit!
*Uncover Exciting Job Opportunities World Wide!
*Get Your Own FBI file and see what BIG BROTHER knows about YOU!
*Send Anonymous E-Mail So You Can't Be Traced!
*Are Your Phones Tapped? - Here's How To Find Out!
*Make Sure That New Employee Has Nothing to HIDE!

How would you like to Discover The Most Exciting Software To Hit
The Internet Since It Began?  If the answer is yes, send an email
to the address below to request more info on how to purchase:

If you answered yes, click on the link below.

    How extremely useful, I've always wanted to visit anarchist sites, and I'm almost positive that my phone has indeed been tapped.  Now before I buy into any of this please explain to me why this is any of my business?  And why exaclty do I need to know what sites people are visiting on the internet?  I already know that 9/10 of the internet's populace is busy searching for pornography, why do I need your spy software to confirm that for me? 



    Here's the one that Becker keeps getting over and over again for some reason.

From: 
Subject: We'll PAY You....
(Sounds good, I'm in.)

Is Your Weight Keeping You
From Living the Life
You Want to Live?

Having the Energy to
Enjoy Your Family
Having Self-Esteem & Pride in Your Body
Feeling and Being Attractive to Others

If it is, We've Got Good News for You...
We Pay You to Lose Weight (Really...We Do!)

* Picture yourself losing 15, 30, 75 pounds or more

* Imagine yourself free from cravings and endless dieting

* Stop counting calories forever
 

* All Natural
* No Drugs
* No Exercise Required
* Doctor Approved
* 100% Guaranteed
 

*  No More Starvation -
   Eat Regular Meals, and Still Lose Weight

*  Have a Personal Guide to Help You Succeed

*  Don't Just Lose Weight -
   Get Healthy and Have All the Energy You Want

Call Toll FREE 1-800-273-0221

And below, Becker's masterfully crafted response to all of this (keep in mind that Becker is already a rather slim fellow)

You bastards!  Are you trying to kill me!???!!!

    Indeed Becker, I sense some kind of conspiracy.  What kind of world are we living in after all when people are trying to kill you and sell me phoney diplomas at the same time? 



    To quote Becker:  "This goes on the list of stupid things people think they can sell."
That more or less sums it up.

From: 
Subject: Fwd: 6 Million Addresses for $79.00
 

6 MILLION HOT E-MAIL ADDRESSES ON CD
and free software to send bulk e-mail.
All for Just $79.00

We have taken all the E-mail addresses that is being sold
on the internet. We have filtered them thru all the remove
lists. We have taken off all the undeliverables and added
all to our own clean database to come up with the best e-mail
addresses on the internet.

The hot clean lists of 6 million internet buyers on CD
arranged in the order of Domains for easy delivery.

Bulk e-mails is the most cost effective form of advertising
to date. That is why you receive them every day.

Just think. If you have a $10 product and only 1% of these
people buy your product, you will make a cool $1 million.
All for a simple investment of $79.00 + $3.50 for Shipping.
Or make money reselling them for just $139.00 + $3.50 for
shipping.
We will also include in your package where to download
free software to do your mailing - FREE

***INTERNATIONAL ORDERS ADD $10.00 FOR SHIPPING.***

Please note that these e-mails are seperated by domains.
Hotmail, excite, yahoo,att worldnet, geocities, Aol etc..

Use these e-mail addresses to sell your product ($79.00) or
make copies and resell the entire CD for just $139.00.

Add $3.50 for shipping for U.S and Canadian addresses.
Other countries add $10.00 for shipping

*************************************************************
*************************************************************
Please Print out the following form, fill out and FAX to us at:
972-702-0451  ----24 HRS A DAY

TWO WAYS TO ORDER !!!
CREDIT CARDS:
WE ACCEPT AMERICAN EXPRESS<> VISA <> MasterCard
simply fill out the following form with your credit card info and
FAX To: STANDARD BIZ SERVICES AT:
972-702-0451 **********FAX 24 HRS A DAY
**credit card orders will be sent out in 24 hours.

CHECKS: Please make your check payable to:
STANDARD BIZ SERVICES and fax with filled out form to:
972-702-0451 ******FAX 24 HRS A DAY
Check orders are only for USA customers.

****check orders will be delivered in 10 days to allow
for Bank clearance
********************************************************

*****CHOOSE PAYMENT METHOD********

CREDIT CARD ( )  CHECK ( )attach check
 

TYPE OF CARD  AMX / VISA / MC _______________

CREDIT CARD #________________________________

EXPIRATION DATE   ___________________________

NAME ON CREDIT CARD________________________
 

$79.00 for E-mail addresses only.Or $139 For rights to resell CD.
****Please add $3.50 for Domestic and Canada shipping.*******
***INTERNATIONAL ORDERS ADD $10.00 FOR SHIPPING.***

All shipping are by priority mail 2-3 day delivery.
 

YOUR NAME:______________________________________

ENTER AMOUNT TO CHARGE ___________

BILLING ADDRESS ____________________________

CITY_________________________________________

STATE________________ZIP_____________________

________________________________________________

SHIPPING ADDRESS(if different from above)

ADDRESS_______________________________________

CITY_________________________________________

STATE________________ZIP_____________________

________________________________________________
 

PHONE INCLUDE AREA CODE___________________

EMAIL ADDRESS______________________________

YOUR SIGNATURE_______________________________
 

CD WILL BE SHIPPED OUT TO THE ABOVE ADDRESS WITHIN 24 HRS FOR
CREDIT CARD ORDERS AND 10 DAYS FOR CHECK ORDERS.

    Ooooohhhhh yeah, hot, sexy, CLEAN addresses.  The real subject should've been "How to Become the Most Hated Man in America, that's the only way I could think about someone who'd send six million spam messages.  This is kind of an interesting twist, it's a spam message trying to sell you the idea of spamming.  BTW, do you really think every spammer out there makes a "cool million"?



 
 

Subject: Fwd: Internet Detective Software.... Find Anyone/Anything!
 
 
 
 

    From: <spyclues@fastmail.ca>  Subject: Internet Detective Software.... Find Anyone/Anything!
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2000 12:40:18
 

FIND OUT ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE USING THE NET!!

  CyberSpy Detective 1717 S Brentwood STL MO 63144
  708-401-0369  findanyone122@safe-mail.net

Get it here:

http://www.year2000doctor.com/cyberdetective/

     Because information is power!

- Find college roommates, old girlfriends/boyfriends
- Create a map with directions right to a person's door
- Get anyone's bank account information
- Credit reports
- Driver's records

Get it here:

http://www.year2000doctor.com/cyberdetective/
 

Due to the sensitive nature of our product, our site address changes daily. Please call for a free recorded message of the new site location if the above site is down:

     1-314-963-1671

http://www.year2000doctor.com/cyberdetective/
 
 
 

To stop future emails, remove yourself here:
 

http://www.year2000doctor.com/remove
 
 

Maybe it's me but this all sounds kind of illegal (anyone's bank account info?).  "Because information is power"  Whatr kind of bullshit is that?  I personally like the "due to the sensitive nature of this product, our site address changes daily".  Yeah, probably if it didn't Uncle Sam would be knocking on their door.  I should write these guys back.  I see lots of stupidity on the net but idiocy of this level pisses me off.
 
 



NEXT PAGE OF SPAM



    Well, that's all for now.  I'm certain Becker will have more for you later.  If you learned anything from this, I hope it is that the people who send these things are soulless, heartless bastards whose stupidity is surpassed only by the people who believe this crap.

"A processed pig is white trash meat,
Some people call it Spam"
Scott Weiland, 12 Bar Blues 



I, Christopher M. Hill, solemnly swear that I will never have sex with the Hormel people.
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