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The 1st
Annual Keith Nelson Roast!!!!!
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There comes a time in the life of every great man when he must stand up and receive the accolades and accord he so rightly deserves. Rather than continue on in the predictable manner with another gushy, flowery "I Love Keith!" admiration monologue, I thought it might be more fun to put a spin on that idea and turn it into a veritable "Keith Roast", to show Our Boy Nelson just how much I really care. :-) With April Fool's Day just around the corner as well, what would be more appropriate than to show Keith a little "tough love" and have a laugh or two at his expense, in harmless and respectful fun?? Okay Mr. Nelson....stand up and take it like a man. You know I only tease cuz I love. ;-)
If I were to sum up the
relationship between Keith and I...I would have to make some
analogies. I...am like...the Beavis to his Butthead. The Heckyl
to his Jeckyl. The Joe Pesci to his Robert De Niro. The Garth to
his Wayne. The Smithers to his Mr. Burns. The....Mini-Me to his
Dr. Evil. LOL In a lot of ways, althought I'm not actually
speaking from life experience here, our relationship is akin to
an affectionate-yet-antagonistic brother-sister sort of thing.
With a healthy dose of adolescent-minded sexual frustration
thrown in for good measure. ;-) Our friendship is kinda like that
3rd grade crush thing-you know, when the boy you secretly worship
from afar as you try to put on a totally disinterested front
comes up to you, says "You STINK!", punches you in the
arm and runs away. You know that really, he liiiiiiiikes
youuuuuu...! LOL They just act all stupid and boy-ish
about it. 3, 13, or 33...they're all the same. BOYS. *rolls eyes*
The thing I love most about Keith is his bizarre and twisted
sense of humor. Being that mine is exactly the same way, we seem
to have this innate sense of what to say to each other that will
both amuse and rile at the same time. He knows that he can say to
me "PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!" or "blow
me!" and I won't be offended or take it the wrong way. I'll
just come back with an equally offensive or smarmy remark in
return and we both laugh at it, knowing witty and smartass people
such as ourselves don't have to second-guess about the humorous
intent behind what we say to one another. (And when our
conversations don't go straight down to SMUT TOWN (which AIN'T
TOO OFTEN), we're able to talk about music and golfing and OTHER
stuff, too.)
Keith is a freak. A straight up FREAK. GOD LOVE HIM. :-) The man
is tattooed like a MUTHER. He's got pierced ears AND nipples.
He's....a shameless masturbation champion, a raging hormone on
legs, and a flaming lesbian...which is ALL okay in my book.
(LMAO) He's somewhat politically incorrect,and I find that
refreshing and REAL. He cusses more than even *I* do, which is no
mean feat, his mind is perpetually grounded in his crotch (again,
cheers to YOU, my boy, we are of the same mind), and he's the
only person I've ever met who can both beat me to the punch AND
one-up me verbally when it comes to sexual innuendo and
double-entendre. All of the freaky, perversely forward-minded
qualities Keith possesses are, to me, a mirror of my own twisted
and quirky attributes, and it's just priceless to me, to be able
to have a friendship with someone so dear to my own heart. He's
DA MAN. 'Nuff said. :-)
Mean Joke I Made Up When I
Was Pissed Off At Keith About Something:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Keith!
Keith who?
EXACTLY.
Classic
"Keith Words of Wisdom"...
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>
Marla: i'm sicker than shit man...
Keith: and shit is pretty sick
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>
Keith: no floppies over here, baby
Keith: strong like bull
Marla: can we ever have a NON-sexual conversation? I
don't think it's possible....
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>
Keith: easy now...
Marla: whaaaat?
Keith: i said..."I'm easy, now!"
Marla: uh-huh
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>
Keith: goodnight, bitch
Marla: hahaha
Marla: nite, keith....
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>
Keith: we sho' does works hard on this here farm....
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>
Keith: Marla you're the breast!!
Marla: hahaha
Marla: you're the....nevermind
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Marla: you're the greatest.... :-)
Keith: no....you
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Keith: anything else I can do for you?
Marla: you don't REALLY want me to answer that now, do
you?
Marla: :-)
Keith: nasty ho
Keith: bring it
Marla: no problem
Marla: gimme directions!
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Keith: if i tuck something in, it won't be bed sheets, sister
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Marla: you fucker...hehe
Keith: fucker? you betcha, sister
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Keith: blah blah blah means nothing to me
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Marla: k?
Keith: l
Keith: k!
Keith: m
Keith: n
Marla: hahahah
Marla: opqrst
Keith: nice
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Keith: anyone that eats pussy is ok in my book
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Keith: fuck off
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Keith: Happy VD....
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Keith: did I say that? I must be brilliant, huh?
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Keith: IT JUST OCCURED TO ME HOW WARPED MY SENSE OF HUMOR IS
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Keith: well, i've been known to come in and out of consciousness
Keith: midsentence
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Keith: you think I go online with clothes on? What kind of freak
would I be if...
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Keith: we wanna do our laundry on keith's stomach, right?
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Keith: do yer own damn laundry
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Keith: mf, you know me, telling someone to fuck off is never a
problem
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