Teasers

"Hey fart mouth, why don't you brush your teeth?"

Everyone's heard this. Whether it be kindergarten, first grade, or just last week when you visited the St Thomas campus, everyone has teased someone else. It's a rite of passage, much like learning to ride your bike, getting your driver’s license, or flipping through your first nudie magazine. Everyone does it, and really, it's not so bad.

Heck, where would psychologists be without us teasers? There's no way they'd be able to make a buck. Without us teasers providing them with patients who still haven't gotten over being called Butt-Slut Butkowski (hey, we were only in third grade, we had no idea what a slut was, it just rhymed with butt) they'd turn into homeless bums with worthless degrees. In a way, we're saving you from being harassed by out of work psychiatrists just looking to borrow a couple bucks to "provide them with the monetary stability they need to boost their malnutritioned egos".

Talk shows also benefit from teasing. How could they have shows entitled "Just because my daughter is a test tube baby and has six arms doesn't mean she should be called Octopus Girl"? Without us teasers, the people in the audience who then so adroitly say "You are a terrible parent, how could you let your child say such things. It's people like you who are the cause of starving children in Africa" wouldn't get the applause they so desperately need to make them feel special.

Talk shows and p

sychologists aren't the only people who should get on their knees and thank us teasers, though. Policeman also should give us a few donuts. Heck, without us there wouldn't be people creating crimes just to get attention. Without us people wouldn't be driven to drink, drive, and subsequently get DWI's. Without us, cops would just sit on their asses and eat more donuts. Hmm, maybe they shouldn't be thanking us then.

It's obvious that society would fail to function without us teasers. Everyone would be happy, crime would be erased, life would be perfect. Who wants to live in a world like that? Your life would be so boring that you'd be stuck eating liver and watching reruns of Who's the Boss. So the next time someone teases you, thank your lucky stars and reply, "I may be a fartmouth, but at least I don't have boogars in my hair".