Voz y Guitarra: Olga
Bajo: K.C.
Batería: Marty
ABSURD-DITTIES
TOCCATA IN DM
DUELLING BANJOS
ABSURD-DITTIES (OUT BIT)
I don't need a doctor, I don't need a drugstore I don't need an injection, I need to put the telly on. Got me in a cold sweat, I don't need no cigarette Sh sh sh shakin" like a jelly fish, I need a satellite dish There's no doubt that I miss nowt, a TV I can't do without Anything you get on yer television set I'll watch it... CHORUS: I'm a telly, I'm a telly,telly I'm addicted Telly I'm a telly, I can tell I am addicted I'm a telly, I'm a telly, telly I'm addicted Telly I'm a telly, I can tell I am addicted I like to keep a step ahead, a TV in the garden shed & with a telly in the bog, I never miss the epilogue Dynasty or Daktari, a broadcast by the Tory party Celebrity squares, blind date, who cares, I'll watch it... CHORUS It's no surprise I've got square eyes, anyone could predict I'm TV mad, I'm a telly addict! I'm a man in great pain, the box is on the blink again I don't need no morphine, I need a television screen Documentaries, there's no degrees, I'll even watch a film if it's in Chinese A speech from the Queen, though I'm not very keen. I'll watch it... CHORUS Coz I'm addicted ---------------------------------
Terry is a recluse, he's a misfit Terry never goes out, he's a hermit A lonely lonely dude Terry won't answer the phone or the door & we don't see Terry no more No-one can contact Terry anymore A life of solitude CHORUS: Hello.... this is Terry talking Terry talking, talking all alone Hello... this is Terry Talking on the answer phone... Terry's not at home Terry is a plonker, Terry is a nut Locked in the house with the curtains shut No-one can contact Terry... Hello... Hello... ------------------------------------
Too much nosh & too much booze He spent all night in the bog with the blues An aching head, intoxicated He didn't even know he was constipated He forced & he frowned, he pushed & he stained But on the toilet seat he remained He let out a shout as he passed out & his gut was rearranged No walks in the park, no drinks, no grub He can't embark on a trip to the pub He sits in the dark, and says don't trouble me CHORUS: No one sees he's a ruptured man He can't sneeze like you normally can They're all mean, they're all riff raff He turns green when they make him laugh Ernie had a. Ernie had a... Hernia, a hernie Ernie had a. Ernie had a... Hernia, a hernie... He had a hernia He can't stand up, her can't lie flat The torment in his tummy preventing that He can't sit down, can't go anywhere The devil in his belly proving too much to bear He can't go out & he can't stay in Oh what's it all about? He just can't win No chance of a bath or to see the lavatory for him CHORUS Ernie never smiles & he dare not grin An aggravating abdomen wearing him thin Ernie had a hernia but he did not give in CHORUS He had a hernia ------------------------------------
I couldn't wait for my blind date, I did not sleep that night could I catch th perfect match, would she be Mrs Right!? A quiet lass so middle class, dignified, meek & mild? I faced the wrath of a Psychopath & a woman that went wild Before too long it all went wrong, she wern't the one for me But I was trapped when I got slapped by a raving loony She got mean, she caused a scene, I said "You're not my type" But I gave in, how could I win? As she threw another swipe...ferocoiusly CHORUS: My wife's a psychopath. Throws a fit then she hides in the bathroom My wife's a psychopath.Aooeee My wife's a psychopath.Always on the warpath After me, mentally deranged! I'm black & blue, I said "We're through" I'm cuts n'scrapes n'scars She clenched her fist, I ducked, she missed, so I kicked her up the arse! She yelled & squealed as I revealed I had learnt some self defence I smashed her face in, just incase, coz I hate violence...it's not for me CHORUS Psycho...Psycho...she's a bleedin' Psycho... Fade -----------------------------------
Rant n' rave, don't give a toss, show the snobs next who's boss Turn the volume to size ten, they 'll never speak to you again Sod the Sod the Sod the Sod the Sod the Sod the CHORUS: Sod the neighbours, we're not proud, turn it up loud, turn it up loud Sod the neighbours, don't pack it in, drive "em mad with the bleedin' din Party all night, don't care less, show them that you mean business Scream, cause turmoil & get yer neighbours blood to boil! CHORUS ------------------------------------
Nobby was a soldier, a life in the Army Margarets back home alone waiting suspiciously She can't hide the misery, the upset & despair When she found out Nobby had been having it off elsewhere There's Eric & there's Robby & there's Derrick & there's Bobby They gave her the elbow There's Harry & there's Willy & there's Barry & there's Billy also Whose that then? CHORUS: Woe is me, I'm melancholy Margaret, I fret coz they leave me God help me I'm melancholy. Snurree?! Tommy was a driver he worked on the buses "I've got some overtime to do" this is what he says But Margaret wasn't having it, she searched high & low But Tommy's gone he's neckin' on in the back of the bus depot There's Ronnie & there's Kenny & there's Donny & there's Denny they gave her the elbow. There's Ronnie & there's Timmy & there's Micky & there's Jimmy also Whose that then? CHORUS ------------------------------------
Out in the courtyard, cold & it's so hard Now Betty's crying, she wants to die Coz it's over, die, but she... Knows that her grieving, it's not achieving What Bet's believing, he will return CHORUS: Alecs gone, Alecs gone, Alecs gone Alecs gone, Alecs gone, Alecs gone Away oo oo oo gone away oo oo ooo Down in The Rovers, Bet can't get over What he said to her, he will return CHORUS He's gone, done a bunk (guitar bit) Betty's still dreaming, inside she's screaming Out for the day that he will return CHORUS -----------------------------------
Jimmy lives his life for charity Jimmy's got no wife just an O.B.E. Everybody depends on Jimmy Jimmy's getting a little cheesed off Jimmy reckons they've all enough If they want Jim it's tough CHORUS: Coz when you're Jimmy Saville Woooooo Everybody thinks yer brill Think yer brill But Jim'll Fix It's to be done Woooooo Then that bleedin' Great North Run The Great North Run No it's never too much fun for James Jimmy does get up at 4:30 But Jimmy does not get time for breaky He's not complaining, Jimmy's training Somebody's sponsoring Jim again So Jimmy bites his tongue & counts to ten "Oh stuff this" Jimmy snarles Coz when you're Jimmy Saville... For James there's no time off, Jimmy's in deep For James there ain't no sleep CHORUS Jimmy, Jimmy Saville oo oo Jimmy Saville Jimmy Saville Howza 'bout that then guys & gals ------------------------------------
I was feeling blue, she made me feel guilty When I took that trip to Deutscheland, Germany She said I am a man, keep out of the Reeperbahn, mind you Nick off is what I said, I'll please myself instead & you can drop down dead, to Hamburg I am headed I don't want no debates, now I'm off with me mates. Toodle oo I said stuff you! CHORUS: Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, caught red handed... Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, she said "Don't go there man" Reeperbahn, the Reeperbahn, oh caught up the Reeperbahn I told her to trust me, I agree in honesty Believe me she did not, she knew I was a sex pot I did not feel at ease when I left the strip-tease, I screamed as she seized me! CHORUS It was just a laugh, I said don't be so strict I did not tell her what went on up the red light district You're all the same you men, you better say auf wiedersehen Coz you won't be comin" here again! CHORUS Caught up the Ree... perbahn. ------------------------------------
Brighten up you home, it said in the advert All your decorating done by an expert How the hell was I to know he's such a dirty sod I wanted subtle shades, maybe something duller There's paint on the chairs & the dogs a different colour I'm the only bloke I know that does have a day-glo scullery... CHORUS: Dez the demon...never coming back, he's never coming back ooeee Dez the demon...never get a cheque, he'll never get a cheque from me Dez the demon decorator He split a tin o'gloss coz he's a clumsy swine "I'll paint the carpet pink, I've got no turpentine" Pink footprints everywhere reminding me The neighbours came for tea & they began to frown The wallpaper was cock-eyed, flowers upside down What the flippen 'ecks that decorating clown done now... CHORUS Dez the demons deed is done, my house is an eye-sore Bumps & Lumps in the wallpaper, paint splashed on the floor I won't be calling Dez the demon, won't be calling Dez the demon I won't be calling Dez the demon decorator anymore... CHORUS Dez the demon decorator, tor
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