Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel around 9 inches long had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got really big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by lying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f*cking beautiful!'"

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room.

Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.

Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo.

But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled,

"And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to f*ck with the Lone Ranger."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall.

"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad.

"It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock."

Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota." So little Johnny handed the test tube over.

The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car. "Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second.

It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.

"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and its got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God".

The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.

The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this.

Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says,

"Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

Little Johnny was at Kindergarten on his first day at school. After a couple of hours the teacher started passing out Graham Crackers and milk.

She methodically stopped at each desk placing a Graham Cracker on each child's desk. When she finished she started the same routine with ½ pints of milk.

When she placed the milk on Johnny's desk, he said "don't want no f*ckin' milk."

The teacher was so stunned that she snatched the milk up and continued passing the milk out to the rest of the children. While the children were partaking of this repast, the teacher thought that she must have been mistaken and really did not hear what she thought she had heard from Johnny. So, she decided not to do anything about this situation until she tried it one more time.

The next day, she again methodically stopped at each desk placing a Graham Cracker on each child's desk. When she finished she started the same routine with ½ pints of milk.

When she placed the milk on Johnny's desk, he said "don't want no f*ckin' milk." The teacher knew that she had heard correctly and as a result wrote a note to Johnny's mother to come to the school the next day at 10am.

Johnny's mother arrived on time and the teacher said, I want you to watch this and proceeded to pass out the Graham Crackers.

Then she started passing out the milk and when she got to Johnny's desk she said to the mother, "watch this, watch this" and placed the milk on Johnny's desk.

At that point Johnny said "don't want no f*ckin' milk."

The teacher said to Johnny's mother, "did you hear that, did you hear that?"

The mother said, "yeah I heard it, f*ck him, don't give him any milk."

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

The next day, Johnny's teacher couldn't take it anymore and called in sick.However she left a note for the substitute, just in case.

The substitute teacher came in and, without saying a word, proceeded to write her name on the blackboard:  P-R-U-S-S-Y.

"Good morning class. My name is Miss Prussy. It's just like as in pussy cat except with an 'r'."

Well, everything that day goes without any problems. The original teacher however calls in sick again and Miss Prussy comes back for a second day.

She walks into the class and asks if anyone remembers her name. Without hesitation Little Johnny stands up
and announces, "Yeah, you're Miss Crunt!"

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an arguement about whether boys
are better than girls. After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying, "Boys are better
than girls 'cause you haven't got one of these!!"

Jane looks at him in astonishiment as she knows she hasn't got one of those between her legs. She bursts
out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her
face.

"My mum says girls are better than boys," she says.

"No they're not," says Johnny pulling down his shorts, "You haven't got one of these!"

Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says, "My mum says that as long as
I've got one of these I can have as many of those as I want!!"

Johnny was downstairs playing with his trains, rolling them along on the floor.  All of a sudden he stops the train and says:  "Who ever wants to get on, get the hell on.  Who ever wants to get off, get the hell off."

Then his mother walks in and yelled, " Johnny, I thought I told you never to say those words."

Johnny just kept on playing with his trains and stopped them and said: "Who ever wants to get on, get the hell on, who ever wants to get off, get the hell off."

His mother opened the door and yelled: "  Johnny, the next time you say that word you will have to go to your room for an hour to think about what you did wrong."

Johnny didn't really care about what she had to say, so he just kept playing with his trains.  He stopped them and said: "Who ever wants to get on, get the hell on, who ever wants to get off, get the hell off."

Just then Johnny's mom stormed into the room and screamed: "Johnny, go to your room for an hour to think about it!"

*AN HOUR LATER*

Johnny walks down the stairs and goes to his mother:  "I've learned my lesson, can I go play with my trains now??"

"Sure, Just don't use those words."  She said.

So Johnny starts playing with his trains and stops them and said:  "Who ever wants to get on, get the hell on, who ever wants to get off, get the hell off,  And who ever's pissed about the hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen."

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

- first, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...

Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

- ok, now take off my skirt...

and he takes off her skirt.

- now take off my bra...

which he does.

- and now, johnny, please take off my panties.

and when johnny finishes removing those, she says,

"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.

"Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. Thats when she hit me!

"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women. Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in  church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside.

"Chocolates?" she asked.

"Nope."

"A Cake?"

Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then said,

"Ah, I know-dill pickles."

"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."