Short Ones
NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form BERNIE, a giant conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney.
In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market share.
"This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word."
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One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
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What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
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There is report of a 2 seater private plane which crashed into a large cemetary in Poland.
The Polish Fire Dept has reported recovering over 300 bodies and are still digging.....
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What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
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A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to a little fuck?"
She says, "Hello, you little fuck."
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Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
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How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
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How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.
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How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
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What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
Well-hung.
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What's another term for lesbian?
"Vagitarian."
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Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
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What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
Spits out the feathers.
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What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.
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I was a little very drunk yesterday, so anyone I happened to call at 4am.
Sorry!
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Did you hear about the three gays who attacked a woman?
Two held her down while the third did her hair.
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When a man and a woman marry, they get a marriage license, what do lesbians need?
A licker license.
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What's the definition of confusion?
20 blind lesbians at a fish market.
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What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo, they yell, "Ride that sucker"
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What does a fruit order in a Chinese restaurant?
Cream of some young guy.
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(Three gays sitting in a hot tub) What did the gay guy say to the others when a condom floated by?
Who farted.
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What do they call a sex-change operation?
Artificial infemination.
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If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
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Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
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Is there another word for synonym?
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
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When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
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Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
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Why isn't their mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why do they report power outages on TV?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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What's another word for thesaurus?
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
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If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
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If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
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If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
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If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
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Why is the word abbreviation so long?
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When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
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Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stamping out forest fires!
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stamping out flaming ducks!
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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Fuck!"
Bad Skydiver: "Fuck!!" "Whack!!"
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A baby harp seal walked into a club...
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This baby harp seal walked up to a bar. The barkeep asked, "What'll it be?"
The seal replied, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks."