friday, 10:03am

"Paying debt to karma, you party for a living. What you take won't kill you but careful what you're giving."<br>-depeche mode

Grrr.. someone pulled the fire alarm in the middle of my math exam. But I sat outside, smoked a clove & BSed w/this goth chick that lives on 5th in Nelson.

Last night was.. AGH! Well, goes like this: Megan, Jarrett, Shaun, & I all went over to Julie's to hang. Jarrett was breaking in his new bong so we(not me) all sat up in Julie's room smoking. I had to pass the thing to Shaun in order for him to hit it. At one point I figured, "Who needs sobriety, right?" And flicked the lighter to light up the bong. Shaun looks over & freaks on me, grabbing it away from me. He's just like, "Don't, bridget. You'll hate yourself for it tomorrow. Come on, I thought you said you wanted to do this? Don't you have something to prove." I started to say something along the lines of it being a double standard (cuz if I had done that to him that week he was trying to stay sober, he probably would have gotten pissed off at me for trying to control him). But then he lapsed back into his rant about homophobia. *shrugs* Whatever. Truth is, he's right. I would have fucking hated myself if I had. MUST OBTAIN SELF CONTROL! We sat outside for a while & talked & then took off.

I wish like hell I didn't have to work tonight. I'm so drained. To boot, I told all them I would go to see a midnight movie ("Heathers") w/them tonight. UGH. I probably won't go. I need a rest. I have to accomplish a lot tomorrow. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Being that I have no English today (yay for canceled classes), I'm going home & taking a nap. I don't have psych until 1. 

To Mindy: I don't think I've changed as a person. I've changed the things that I do. I do, however, appreciate your input. Though it's all stuff I'm concious of already. I know all this is some pathetic & desperate attempt to fill that constant void. And yes, I know, it's not working.. it's not helping. I am checking into going back into therapy. B/c I AM trying to fix myself. And so what? Like everything in this life isn't done to quiet the pain inside? We do all that we do to, in the end, obtain contentment, peace, or happiness. So why is what I do so fucking different. And I turned into a "bitch" cuz I got sick of everyone trying to run my life for me. I got sick of being pushed around. I got sick of people treating me like shit & then feeling bad about it like it was my fault. So it's so fucking bad that I've finally started standing up for myself? And you know what? I've decided that there is no end to this pain b/c there isn't any reason for it. If there's an equation w/a missing variable, you can never solve it.. and that's just what my life is.. some chaotic equation w/the missing varible of why exactly I feel the way I do all the time. So yeah, that's it.