Bonehead Goes Gardening
One fine sunny day, Bonehead's wife, Mrs Bonehead realised that their garden was in need of a bit of attention. "Boney, the garden's a bit overgrown" Said Mrs Bonehead, "get the lawn mower out and cut the grass will you please". Bonehead looked up from his tambourine and instantly replied: "Maybe i don't really wanna know how your garden grows".
Bonehead Helps His Daughter With Her Homework
It was a cold, wet night and Bonehead was sitting watching his favourite show, 'Coronation Street', on TV. He was sat enjoying the exciting episode when a shout came from upstairs..... Daddy, can you help me with my homework, I'm stuck".
It was little Miss Bonehead, crying for help. Bonehead looked up from the television and instantly replied: "By now you should have somehow realised what you've got to do".
Bonehead Plays Party Games
It was Bonehead's friend ,Skinhead's birthday party and they had all decided to engage in an exciting game of hide and snog. Its a slight variation of hide and seek, but once you find the person you have to kiss them.
Bonehead had already been caught by Skinhead (yes, they kissed) and Skinhead still had one person to find, but he was unsure of her whereabouts.
"Oy, Boney", he whispered, "is she hiding over there?" pointing towards the doorway, obviously cheating. Bonehead looked up from his sausage on a stick straight-away and replied: "Kiss the girl, she's not behind the door".
Bonehead Goes To The Park
It was a scorching hot day and Bonehead was spending some quality time with his son, Billy. They had decided to take a walk to the park to admire the scenery. Whilst walking, Billy heard the tinkering of an ice-cream van's music. "Its ok daddy, I dont want an Ice Cream" said Billy, he had eaten already. "Do you want one daddy?" Bonehead instantly looked up from the green grass and said: "If you don't get yours I won't get mine as well".
Bonehead Goes Scouting
It was late evening and Bonehead's Scout group had decided to go for a game of 'hunt the hedgehog' in the forest. The aim of the game was to find a hedgehog with the use of a torch (it was very dark) and You had to go with a partner (to keep each-other safe). Laurence (a member of the group) couldn't find a partner.
"Oh. I haven't got a partner." Laurence shouted in disbelief.
Bonehead looked up from his torch and instantly replied: "Let me be the one who shines with you".
Bonehead The Weatherman
One fine day Bonehead was getting bored with all the spare time he had so he decided to take a job on the side - as a weatherman.
It was his job to cast the weather for The World on the BNN International News Network and billions of people were watching him. It came to the moment to when he was on, and he recieved his cue from the director: "3 - 2 - 1 - GO!"
Bonehead looked up from the shiny clean floor, looked blankly into the camera and said: "The sun is coming up and its going down".
Bonehead Goes To Pizza Hut
One early evening, Bonehead and Mrs Bonehead couldn't be bothered to cook and so decided to go out for dinner. They agreed to go to 'Pizza Hut', incidentaly, where Boneheads sister, Frances, worked.
They took their seats and waited for a waitress to take their order. Up stepped Frances, of all people! "Can I take your order please Boney?!" asked Fran. Bonehead looked up from the coulorful menu and instantly replied; "We'll have lasagne".
Bonehead Helps His Friend
One overcast, but humid day, Bonehead decided to go and take a cake he had baked over to his friend, Tommy.
Unfortunately, Tommy couldn't eat the cake because every time he ate chocolate he would go hyperactive and put on a red cape, thinking he was superman. "You've got to help me, Boney" said Tommy. "I used to love chocolate, but now, every time I eat it I end up trying to fly. What can I do?".
Bonehead looked up from his cup of earl-grey and instantly replied. "You need to be yourself, you cant be no-one else".
Bonehead And His Friend PhoEbe
It was bright, but cloudy day and Bonehead noticed his dog, Rover, had caught a bad case of fleas and was running all over the kitchen trying to relieve himself.
Rover had regularly had problems with fleas and other dog-type infections so he decided to call his friend PhoEbe, who was a vet. PhoEbe answered the phone: "Hi Boney, is it Rover again? Whats up?"
Bonehead stopped stroking Rover and instantly replied.... "my dog's been itching in the kitchen once again".
Bonehead Goes To A Fancy Dress Party
It was a night full of anticipation, and Bonehead and Mrs Bonehead had been invited to attend the local charity fancy-dress party. Mrs Bonehead was going as a Squirrel, and she wanted Bonehead to go as a Bunny Rabbitt, but Bonehead wanted to go dressed as a Chicken.
"You're going to go as a Bunny Rabbit, ok Boney?", ordered Mrs. B. Bonehead looked up from his copy of 'Anglers Weekly' and instantly replied: "Im free to be whatever I choose".
Bonehead Watches The Olympics
It was early evening in Manchester, and Bonehead, along with a few mates decided to go down the pub to watch the Brits (try to) win a few medals in the olympics. It was time for the women's 100 meters race and the racers took their positions. "on your marks".
The starter gun made an almighty *BANG* and the racers set off on their 10 seconds of glory. The bang of the gun startled Bonehead who, half way through the race, quickly commented... "See how they run like pigs from a gun".
Bonehead Goes Balooning
It was a bright sunny day with clear blue skies and Bonehead and Mrs Bonehead had been invited to go for a hot-air baloon ride with their friend Skinhead. Unfortunatley, when they wanted to take off, Mrs Bonehead was nowhere to be found so they decided to go without her.
Once they'd landed after a thrilling ride in the clouds, Bonehead searched for Mrs B. He found her, looked her in the eye, and immediately asked.... "Where were you while we were getting high?".
Bonehead Doesn't Drink And Drive
It was a cold, wet night and Bonehead was out on a 'Lad's Night Out' with his friends. He was sat enjoying his glass of mineral water (he was driving) while watching his many friends get smashed out of their faces. One of the drunkards was Bonehead's loyal friend, Skinhead... "Hiii Boneyyyy!!! Hayy, hoow am I gonna geet howm?" asked Skinhead, not all with it.
Bonehead looked up from his packet of peanuts and instantly replied: "My friend said he'll take you home".
Bonehead Has A Lie-In
It was a bright, early morning and Bonehead had just been out on a 'Lads Night Out'. He was still fast asleep after late night. Foolishly, he hadn't set his alarm to wake him up at 7:00 for his usual early-morning jog - which he never missed, and Mrs Bonehead was becoming worried he might not get up for it. She decided to go and wake him up. "Boney, are you going to get up for your jog?" whispered Mrs B quietly into his ear.
Bonehead instantly opened his eyes, and although half-asleep, replied: "I need a little time to wake up".
Bonehead's Birthday
It had come around to that time of the year which is known as Bonehead's birthday, and a surprise party was planned for him.
Bonehead was reluctant to celebrate his birthday because he was older than the rest of the band and he didn't want to get any older, although he wasn't aware of the surprise party waiting for him.
He walked into the darkness of the lounge and flicked on the light switch. "SURPRISE" shouted all his friends, ready for the party. But Bonehead didn't react to the celebrations. "What's up Boney, you look sad?" asked Mrs B.
Bonehead looked up from his slice of cake and replied... "I'm older than I'd wish to be".
Bonehead Becomes A Waiter
It was a bright, sunny day and the birds were singing. Despite the good weather there was sadness. Fran, Bonehead's sister had unfortunately been taken down ill with a sniffly nose, and she was in no fit state to work. Bonehead volunteered to cover for her and be a waiter at Pizza Hut?. His first customer was an Old Woman who ordered a Cheese and Tomatoe pizza and a cup of tea.
He took over her pizza to her and placed it infront of her, along with the tea. The old woman looked at her food, looked at Bonehead and angrily asked: "Don't I get anything else with this?"
Bonehead instantly looked up from his colourful apron and replied.. "You got a Roll With It".
Bonehead The Animal Lover
It was a moonlit evening and Bonehead was taking a walk around inner-city Manchester. During his walk he noticed something over by the side of the road, on the grass. He approached what seemed to be a small turtle, lying on its back in a hole, unable to walk.
Bonehead, being the loving person he is, picked up the turtle and took it home to look after it. When he returned home with the green amphibian in his hand Mrs Bonehead FREAKED! "Where the hell did you get that?" She shouted.
Bonehead looked up from the turtle he had named William and instantly replied: "I found it in a hole sitting upside-down".
Bonehead Gets Lost
It was a warm, but dry eveining and Bonehead's car had broken down in an unknown area of Manchester, called Moss-Side. He had no option but to walk home, despite not knowing the way, with a small hand-map his only companion.
As he strolled along the lamp-lit street he was approached by a youth, who looked angry. "Oy, wot you doin' on my turf?" the youth aggressively aked.
Bonehead looked up from his hand-map and instantly answered: "I've been trying to find my way back home".
Bonehead Is Captured
It was a dank and dingey night and Bonehead was in a dungeon. He was being held captive by the Bluurnies, a religious cult who sacrificed people to keep themselves alive. They sacrificed people by burning them. The heart was then removed as a token of the sacrifice.
Bonehead was chained to a stone wall and couldn't move at all. The leader of the Bluurnies, Demon, approached Bonehead with a can of petrol and a lighter. He began to splash the petrol over Bonehead. "At last I have you" sneered Demon, "you will now die".
Bonehead looked up from the disgusting clothes Demon was wearing and answered: "You 'aint ever gonna burn my heart out". TO BE CONTINUED
Bonehead Is Captured (Part 2)
It was still a dark and dingey night and Bonehead was about to be burnt alive by the evil Demon...
"Nothing can save you now fool" Cackled Demon "We will rule the world!" Bonehead showed no fear as the flame edged closer to his bare torso. Suddenly, out of the darkness appeared 4 men. Each holding some sort of weapon. One with a stick, one with a rather large plank of wood, another with a smaller plank of wood, the other one with a tambourine-shaped weapon. They shouted in unison: "HELLO, IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!"
The boys then went on to destroy any trace of Demon and the Bluurnies by using their weapons to full effect, by producing music that the Bluurnies weren't used to. They couldn't take it and faded away into the darkness. "You ok Boney?" asked the one with the tambourine, in a husky voice.
Bonehead was speechless, he only had one answer... "You and I are gonna live forever."
Bonehead Chokes
It was a sunny day and Lauren and Shellie were at school. They were walking down the hall slowly, and talking between themselves about how they were going to get home.
"Can I ride with you in your BMW?" asked Lauren to Shellie "I just wanna fly", said Shellie. They then spotted a man ahead of them who seemed to be choking. They rushed over to help him. "IT'S BONEHEAD!!!" they both shouted in excitement. "It looks like he's swallowed his mouth piano." said Lauren. "Give me your auotgraph." asked Shellie to Bonehead.
Bonehead instantly looked up from the small mouth piano sticking out of his mouth and muffled "Maybe I just wanna breathe."
Introduction
Yes my friends, Bonehead is most certainly back, and better than ever!!!!
We now join Bonehead in the post-oasis part of his life. The year is 2036 and oasis have just finished their 1000 date final world tour, which played to a million people a time and they have all gone their seperate ways afer 197 number 1 hits.
Liam is now King of England (after marrying princess Di) and has taken residence in Knebworth house, Noel is taking up driving lessons, Alan is having his third pair of arms put on (after wearing out the other 2), Guigsy is living in a very big house in the country ( ;-P) and Bonehead is walking the world, from town to town, getting into various adventures - A bit like Caine, on 'Kung Fu'.
We will follow Bonehead through these adventures. From town to town, country to country....
The Mystic Bonehead
After 3 years of walking, Bonehead has stopped for a while in a small town somewhere in Columbia. To earn some money he has decided to become a fortune teller using his knowledge of 'the inner powers' to aid him. He set up a tent at the centre of the town and immediately attracted customers with the attractive design of his robe. A mysterious customer appeared at the tent who questioned the ability of the mystic Bonehead. He went by the name of Mr Baldrin. "I think youre a hoax. And, to prove you are - try and read my mind and tell me what my ambition is." The man seemed sceptical.
The mystic Bonehead instantly looked up from his glowing crystal ball and answered: "D'ya wanna be a spaceman and live in the sky?" "no, answered Mr Baldrin." Bonehead was dissapointed at being wrong and so immediately packed up and left town. Searching for his next exciting adventure....
Bonehead the Psychic Detective
After 3.4 years of walking, Bonehead has stopped for a while in a small town somewhere by
the sea. After his last adventure, a mystic prophet, he decided he had enough psychic powers
to carry on using them so he started his own business as a psychic detective. He set up his
office in the centre of town. A mysterious customer appeared at the tent who was in a dilemma
about where James Brown had dissapeared to. (THE famous soul singer James Brown had
been missing for 32 years). "You gotta help me mister. Why did James Brown just dissapear.
Has he no pride?" The man seemed anxious.
Psychic Detective Bonehead instantly looked up, adjusted his overcoat, pondered on his
thoughts and replied: "As they took his soul, they stole his pride". "I understand. Soul music
went out of fashion and he was forced to become a DJ". Replied the mysterious man. In awe
of Bonehead's psychic ability. Bonehead knew the time had come for him to leave, for his
sworn enemy, the Bluurnies, had re-united and were tracking him down. He immediately
packed up and left town. Searching for his next exciting adventure....
Bonehead Gets His Head Examined
After 3.6 years of walking, Bonehead has decided to rest in a small village at the top of the
world. After his last 2 adventures, using his psychic powers, he has felt pretty drained and so
seeked someone to help him get his head back in order. He visited an old woman who lived in
the centre of town. She examined people's minds through the use of her 'third eye'.
"Come in Mr Head. I've been expecting you" said the hagged old woman. Bonehead took his
place on the reclining chair, curious as to how she knew him. "I'm now going to search the
inner depths of your mind to seek the problem" said the woman, lying him down. Bonehead
instantly looked into the eyes of the hag and replied, with some anxiety: "Here in my mind you
know you might find something that you.." He paused "...you thought you once knew". "My
God" answered the woman, looking deep into the mind of Bonehead "youre right, I once knew
Guigsy. I went to school with him". Bonehead instantly got up, gave the hag Guigsy's phone
number, knowing he had fulfilled his destiny. "I will call him. I know he'll be pleased to hear from me". Replied the ugly old spinster. Bonehead knew the time had come for him to leave
because the Bluurnies, his sworn enemies were getting even closer. He left the town searching
for his next exciting adventure....
Bonehead's Long Lost Brother
After 4 years of walking, Bonehead has sat down on a bench in a park somewhere in the
southern hemisphere. Bonehead didn't notice the bald-headed stranger walking past him
humming away. Bonehead decided to sing to himself. "and after all youre my wonderwall..."
The mysterious man stopped, obviously attracted by the tunes Bonehead was projecting.
"Excuse me mister?" The man seemed anxious "I know this may sound weird but I was just
humming that tune", Bonehead instantly looked up, took his first look at the stranger, and
realised he looked *exactly* the same as him. He said, almost instantaniously: "I think you're
the same as me".
"Paul?." Replied the man, realising who it was "Paul, its me, Andy. And Arthurs. Your long lost
identical twin brother!" Bonehead didn't seem interested, he got up and started to follow a piece
of paper flying around the park in the breeze. Andy and Paul never met again. Bonehead
managed to catch the piece of paper and read it: 'WE'RE CLOSE. WE ARE AMONGST THE
PARKLIFE - Bluurnies". It was a message from the Bluurnies- Bonehead's sworn enemies.
They were close. Bonehead knew the time had come for him to leave. He immediately left
town. Searching for his next exciting adventure....
Bonehead's Close Encounter
After 4 and a half years of walking, Bonehead has decided to put an advertisement in the local
shop for his problem-solving company which he'd named 'The Microphone Stand'. The advert
said:"We can sort out your problems. Nothing to BIG, nothing too small. Call us on
2-15-14-5-25. NOW!". Bonehead set up office in the centre of town and awaited the first call.
After 13 hours of waiting by the phone, it rang. He picked it up.
A mysterious voice was on the other end of the phone: "Bonehead? the head of 'The
Microphone Stand' probrlem solving agency?" the man seemed anxious "The Government
needs your help. The World needs your help." It sounded important. "Aliens are about to attack
the 10 major cities of the world and we've heard you're a legend. We need you to take up
negotiations with the aliens". Bonehead instantly looked up, looked up in the sky and noticed
the large shadow looming over the city. He said, almost instantaniously: "Please don't put your
life in the hands of 'The Microphone Stand' ". "Pardon me?" said the mysterious man. "We'll
throw it all away". With that, Bonehead hung up and awaited his destiny as the spaceship
loomed above his head. He looked up and he could hear the voices of the Bluurnies coming
from the ship. "All the people. So many people. Bonehead will be ours". Its the Bluurnies-
Bonehead's sworn enemies.They were going to beam him aboard the ship. Bonehead knew
the time had come for him to leave. He immediately left town. Searching for his next exciting
adventure....
Bonehead's Close Encounter of the Second Kind
After 5 years of walking, Bonehead has decided to sit down and take a rest on a rock in the
centre a town. He was tired after all the adventures he had been in and so fell asleep. After 13
hours of sleeping he was awoken by an alomost blinding light. "It cant be the sun" he thought
"its late night". He squinted to try and see what it was. It seemed to be some sort of alien ship.
The one he'd seen before. A mysterious voice beamed down from the craft floating above him:
"Bonehead. We have you now. There is no escape." the alien seemed familiar, speaking in a
cockney accent. "It looks like you might have made it to the end. You were so close." It was
Demon, of the Bluurnies. "We are going to take over the world. Everyone will be charmless
little green men."
Bonehead instantly thought about it. The whole world becoming aliens? Even Skinhead? He
replied straight away: "Then my friends will all go green?". "Yeeeesss!!!" said the voice as
Bonehead was beamed aboard the ship in a flash of light. "Now you're ours" said Demon. The
Bluurnies- Bonehead's sworn enemies had captured him (again). Bonehead knew the time had
come for him to leave but it was hard for him to do so because he was 1000s of metres above
the ground. Then he noticed....
Bonehead Joins the Bluurnies?
After 5 years of walking, Bonehead, as you may remember, was beamed onto the bluurnie's
mothership. We rejoin the story...
"Now you're ours." said Demon, the leader of the Bluurnies. Then Bonehead noticed a rythm
guitar, which obviously belonged to one of the bluurnie's victims. He quickly rushed over to
grab it, when he was zapped by a zapper from Coxxon, Demon's sidecick. "Any attempt to
escape is in vein" and with that he raised the muther of all Zappers - the MUTHER ZAPPER.
"We will turn you into a charmless, little green man now". Demon had a twisted mind and was
hell-bent on revenge. Bonehead instantly thought about it. Being an alien would NOT be good.
What about his children? His friends? He'd hesitated too long and was instantly shot on the
forehead with a zap of green light. This was obviously a stun-gun. "Yeeeesss!!!" said the voice
of Demon as Bonehead was slowly fading away. "Anything to say, fool?" said Demon.
Bonehead instantly looked at the hideous features of Demon with the last ounce of strength he
had and replied... "S..s...s...something hit me......somewhere right between the eyes...". The
Bluurnies- Bonehead's sworn enemies had knocked him out and were getting ready to operate
on him to change him into one of them. Bonehead knew the time had come for him to leave but
it was hard for him to do so because he couldn't move. There was only one way of getting out
of the grasp of the Bluurnies now....
Bonehead Joins the Bluurnies? (Part 2)
After 5 years of walking, Bonehead, as you may remember, was beamed onto the bluurnie's
mothership. We rejoin the story as Bonehead had just been zapped by the MUTHA ZAPPER.
"You will be one of us soon" said Demon, the evil leader of the Bluurnies. Bonehead was being
held down by some large straps after being knocked off his feet. "You knocked me off my feet"
said Bonehead. "Fool. We are going to transfer you to our Moon-unit now, then you will be one
of us" and with that Bonehead was lifted and taken away. "All the people. Soooo many people
will be Blurnies soon" Demon had a twisted mind and was hell-bent on taking over the world.
Bonehead instantly thought about it. "Didn't I destroy the Bluurnies? Theres no way they could
come back from what happened to them." (they were blown away by good music in BH20).
"Bonehead" said Demon "theres something we must tell you" and with that, Demon and
Coxxon, his evil sidekick, removed their faces, as if they were made of latex. Bonehead
looked at the hideous features of Demon and Coxxon and instantly said... "Y'know I think I
recognise your face, but Ive never seen you before.....".
The Bluurnies- Bonehead's sworn enemies were obviously not who Bonehead thought they
were. Bonehead was still loosing strength and with the last inch of strength he said:
"I.....I....haven't seen your face....since I was a kid...." But who was the mysterious figure that
stood before him, and why did he/she capture Bonehead?....
Bonehead Feels Fine
After 6 years of walking, Bonehead, as you may remember, was beamed onto the bluurnie's
mothership. We rejoin the story as Bonehead had just seen the hideous faces of the Bluurnies.
Or were they the Bluurnies?.... "I haven't seen your face since I was a kid." said Bonehead.
Bonehead was being held down by some large straps after being knocked off his feet, but he
managed to muster some strength to break his hand free... "Fool, It was us all along" and with
that the hideous face was revealed. "It is I, Scripe." It was indeed Scripe, the leader of the
deadliest and most hideous sect in the world- the REMMIES.
"It's the end of the world as we know it" said Scripe with a demented laugh. "The whole world
will loose its religion and everyone will be destroyed!!!". He was hell-bent on destroying the
world. Bonehead instantly thought about it. If everyone lost their religion, they would have
nothing to believe in. What about the 'whatevers' - the religious followers of oasis? Surely the
world would be destroyed. "Bonehead" said Scripe, alongside his evil sidekick Bukk "the first
religion we will destroy will be the followers of oasis - the 'whatevers'". And with that, Bukk
reached for the button that would destroy all the Whatevers. Bonehead looked at the sparkling
forehead of Scripe and in a vain attempt to distract him instantly said... "Your head is like a
fishtank". Scripe looked up from his un-shaven chin and didnt seem happy. "Oh no, youve said
too much" grunted Scripe, and he ordered Bukk to bring the rather large Monster that was in
the cage next door. Bonehead had one hand free, and he could see the....
Bonehead and the Shiny Spam
After 6 years of walking, Bonehead, as you may remember, was beamed onto the bluurnie's
mothership, but it turns out that it's not the Bluurnies, it's the devilish monsters- the Remmies,
headed by the evil, but shiny, Scripe. We rejoin the story as Bukk and Scripe were about to
release a massive orange monster to devour Bonehead.
"Your head is like a fishtank." said Bonehead, and with that Scripe ordered Bukk to release the
rather large but wholly dissapointing Monster. Bonehead was being held down by some large
straps after being knocked off his feet, but he had managed to muster some strength to break
his hand free. He could see the sparkling forehead of Scripe, shining like happy people holding
hands.
"Prepare to meet your doom. Kenneth will tear you apart with his tongue" and with that the
hideous Monster, called Kenneth took a swipe at Bonehead and caught him across the face,
cutting his cheek. "Time for some music"said Scripe with a demented laugh. "Lets put the radio
on. What's the frequency for radio 1, Kenneth?". Bonehead looked at this as his chance for
escape, Kenneth, Scripe and Bukk were distracted, trying to tune in the radio. Bonehead had
one hand free. If he could just...reach....for the slaphead..... SSLLLAAAAAPPPP.
Bonehead had given Scripe a great big fookin massive fook off slap on the forehead, Scripe's
weak spot. Scripe shreaked out in pain. Bonehead then had the strength to release himself
from the chains. He turned to Scripe and Bukk and instantly told them what for: "You think that
everything you've done's fantastic. YOUR MUSIC'S SHITE It keeps me up all night".
Scripe looked up from his bushy beard and was horrified. "Everybody hurts sometimes". Said
Scripe. Now it was Bonehead's chance to finally destory Bukk and Scripe. "Yeah, sometimes
everybody cries" and with that, Kenneth, who had given in to the wisdom and power of
Bonehead destroyed Scripe and Bukk with his Tongue. Bonehead had destroyed all his rivals,
and had made a new friend in Kenneth. "Come on Kenneth, this old ship don't smell too pretty".
And with that Bonehead and kenneth left the ship, in search of something new...
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