I was thinking about the never-ending discussion today about whether people "know artists" through their music. I have had that discussion many times and have pretty much beaten that horse to death in the agreement that, no, we can not take for granted an understanding of any singer, writer, or poet just by analyzing the content of their lyrics or their body of work. But that does not mean that people don't know me. They know a me that probably does not exist. But they know "Ryan". The beauty of any song or piece of art is that it can be left up to definition. For that reason, I have been hesitant to reveal who and what my songs have been about, and what they mean to me prior to this moment. But, I sat down and I figured, why not? I might as well share what inspired me to write them. So here you go, my love, my heart, my laughter and my pain... the stories behind el Scorcho songs:

103

I find "103" to be about something that horrifies you and you're crying with it. It's mostly about loneliness. It's not exactly chronological, but it's definitely moving from one place to another, just because the songs are very personal to me.

In fact, what's interesting about this song in particular, is that people have shared some of their own personal experiences that have tied in somehow to this song.

My songs seem so singularly about me that I didn't think they would relate to other people. I didn't think other people would relate to them that well. I've sort of learned that thats not necessarily true. I guess there are things that people have in common that can make it meaningful for them as well. I don't understand what that is. My friend, Sebastian, once told me that he has listens to this song after breaking up with girlfriends. It's kind of strange that other people can get a certain vibe or feeling from my songs. I am honored.

This was basically, to me, a song about being dumped and feeling used. The woman I am referring to in this song was already with someone else for five months when our relationship started. I knew that there was nothing I could do about it and that she was never planning on leaving him. In fact, I don't really think I wanted her to leave him. I didn't really care. What bothered me was trying to work time around her schedule, and having to play second fiddle. You see, the song is also about the ineveitablility of leaving, and the hope for some kind of closure.

Honestly, looking back, it was kind of silly. After all, it was a friend of mine's girlfriend. She even auditioned for the part of lead vocalist in the band, but she couldn't cut it. I guess we all do things we're not proud of.

All of Me

I wish I could sit here and tell you that the songs are about someone else doing all of this stuff, but it's all me. I'm that guy. I think the songs I wrote for the second album were really about a lot of the shit I was going through and how difficult it was, and about being unable to function within it. It was very frustrating and bitter, and it culminates with "All Of Me"--a song which says "Not only do you not know me, but neither do I." It sums up everything, saying where it brought me to.

Life's always going to go up, it’s always going to go down....for me, at least. It may not be as extreme as it once was, but there’s always going to be periods where I don’t write for a while, where I get sort of bitter. Maybe life will change and get better that way. But, you know, I wouldn’t bet on it.

This song came when I had written anything in six months. The band wasn't playing for a while and I had just broken up with my girlfriend, and I was sort of angry and bitter and depressed. The sadness over the breakup was evident (and when you leave, you take out the best parts). I was sort of lost. I didn't know where I was. This was the first in my series of "stress songs." This was the first time I expressed sincere self-doubt and fear of self. I took several potshots at myself throughout the song (maybe I haven't grown up yet, I know my instability scares you). There’s always going to be periods where I don’t write for a while, where I get sort of bitter. Maybe life will change and get better that way. But, you know, I wouldn’t bet on it.

The band life is great, but not as great as you'd think. It fixes some things, but it doesn’t fix any problems you might have with yourself. If you have problems dealing with people, all you have now is more people. Some of it actually exasturbates. It’s not a black and white thing, it’s a gray thing. There’s really parts of it I wouldn’t trade for the whole world, and parts of it I have trouble with, adjusting to those things. I’d really gone into hibernation and I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that the thing which was most important to me in my life was causing me the most pain and fear that I’d ever been through. And, being the fact that I am emotionally unstable, it makes this life very hard to swallow sometimes. This song is about how my life has become, at times, a cautionary tale. The title of my autobiography should be: "Hey Kids, Come And See How Ridiculous And Life-Affirming Vulnerability Can Be." In a nutshell, this song said "I am a mess, I don't even know who I am anymore."

Everything Means Nothing

I guess it has been pretty well documented by now that I tend to express sincere disdain for many of the women in my life through song. I wasn't always like that, but if there's one thing that really kind of sent me spinning to begin with it was a girl named Andrae' Avis. She was probably our first groupie. She had known Norman and Jack for a few years prior to el Scorcho, and she seemed nice enough. Little did I know how much she was gonna fuck me up. She kind of made her way through a few members of the group and quickly moved on. So, as you can imagine, my initial impression of her was not exactly a positive one. Although she was very intelligent and attractive, she seemed to deem herself public access band slut by her own actions.

Anyway, we all used to hang out at Norman's house every weekend, and she was usually there. So, after one long night and 2 bottles of tequila later, we decided to go for a long walk. After all, everybody else was asleep, and we were bored. We spent two hours talking about life and love and family. I listened to her talk about all of these guys that just didn't respect her and how she wanted to find something beatiful and meaningful, and how she never meant to let it get this far. I felt bad, and I knew she needed help, so I opened up a part of me that was extremely scarce, almost nonexistent, at that point in my life. I told her everything I felt about life, and she listened, and cried, and asked for help.

I remember this very clearly: She said, "You seem so arrogant and cynical, but everybody loves you. And now I understand why. You're nothing like the person you want people to believe you are."

I laughed, and responded with "I think you've had too much to drink."

She looked at me and just blurted out. "I am in love with you, and you never think about me! What do I have to do to convince you that I want to change and I want to be with you?"

"You can start by not fucking my friends", I responded sarcastically. She erupted into tears and I consoled her.

We spent four nights together on Norman's couch, just holding on to each other. No kissing, no sex, and hardly any talking at all I was really unsure about doing anything because it just seemed like everything was getting really intimate as it was, and that's something I'm kind of nervous about. I didn't think it was such a great idea to have myself wide open like that. Open to the world. Open to a girl. Especially to a girl like Andrae.

Well, one night, after a lot more tequila, we kissed. She wanted to do more, but I couldn't. I didn't want sex from her. I just didn't. I wanted her to feel good about herself, and I wanted her to realize that she didn't have to spread her legs to make someone love and respect her. So, I stopped her and she got angry and left.

The next night, I walked up to Norman's door and I heard her talking with her friend Theresa. She went on and on telling her, "Ryan was the best I've ever had. We did it for four hours."

I walked away without ever opening the door. My faith had been shattered in a way that I can't truly explain with words. Everything was a lie, and my first impressions, the negative ones, were completely correct.

I'm With Stupid

My friend Carl calls this "the asshole song", and the funny this is that he's exactly right.

I wrote this song around Christmas time in 1995. It was a very shallow time in my life. And, one night, after about fourteen rum and cokes at Norman's house, I started to think about all the people my attitude and my lies had affected. I started to realize what an asshole I was. I hated myself and where my place was in the world, but I didn't have the courage to change. So, I came up with a different approach.

Now, a realize a lot of people can read into this song as an asshole's self-glorification song, but that's not really what it's about. I figured, hey, there is no way around it. I am an asshole, I've gotta be honest about it. So I started to write these lyrics out on a Taco Bell napkin, drunk out of my mind, at 1:30am. Then, Jack (one of my best friends) said something to me that changed the whole angle of the song.

He said "what are you writing?"

I responded with, "the confessions of the world's biggest asshole to women."

He, in turn, said "I don't think you're an asshole at all. They come here and they know what they're getting themselves into. You have all these stupid little girls that come over here, and are willing to get disrespected and ignored, just to hopefully, by the end of the night, get a chance to be with you. It's fucking pathetic!"

After laughing for a few seconds, I realized he was partly right. Now, don't get me wrong, I was still the asshole, but these women just took it and even went as far as to tear each other down to compete for my attention. It was a sick, multi-destructive cycle. That's where the lyrics "I know I'm your everything, it's a disease I cannot shake" were spawned from. I started to feel akward about the way these girls felt about me. I started to feel a lot of pressure. I felt like I was obligated to perform and fill a certain role in these women's lives. I felt like I was never going to be able to live up to the rockstar they wanted me to be, so that's when I started to change. It brought about an interesting turn of events and it changed me. Part of me wanted them to stay around ("don't run away, you can't get too far"), while the better part of me wanted to admit my faults and cut out of the game altogether ("you know that I love you baby, and I know that's my mistake"), and I did. It's funny to look back and see the person you were just a few years back. It's kinda scary.

Ladmo Bag

These lyrics were written in early 95', but the song was not completed until March of 97. At that time, we were starting to record "Heroes" and it barely missed the cut. The real catch is in the horn melodies. I love the horns in this song.

The lyrics are about being in a very destructive relationship. At the time, my girlfriend (of that time) and I were reaching the end of our relationship. All the signs were there. It was very evident. She wanted to be with me ALL the time, and I wanted time alone. She wanted to get married, I wanted to become famous. And she wanted to have sex, while I just wanted to play my guitar and watch Sportscenter. No one was to blame, we were just tired of pretending. I wanted out, which explains the "what am I supposed to do about the fact that you whine all the time?" tone of the song.

"Really good at friendship and terrible at intimacy" is the description used by Tom Cruise's former lovers in Jerry Maguire, and I can relate. I am much better at being friends with a woman. Love, relationships and sex (especially sex) tend to complicate things.

I knew this particular relationship was destined for ruin when I realized that she fell in love with Ryan, the rockstar, and not Ryan, the living, breathing, human being. I don't usually date women who like my music all that much. It scares me. My music is a part of me, a very big part, but it does not completely encompass me. I never want to be friends with anyone on the basis of my music alone. My friends don't love me because of my music and I hope I never date or fall in love with anyone who does. Music is just a hobby, and it happens to be a very passionate hobby for me. But I think that people who judge people in bands by the music they create are ridiculous. I don't do that to others and I don't expect people to do that to me. Should I look down upon people who have less musical talent than myself? No. And I don't. Why would I?

I also wouldn't date a girl "because I like her band."

Rock N' Roll Star

This song has got to be the most misunderstood song I have ever written. It's the idiot's cry for acceptance, and the sad and helpless feeling that everything is gonna be alright when you're famous and when people love you. The more I got to think about impending fame, the more it scared me, and the more I doubted myself and my talents.

Rock N' Roll Star is a reassurance anthem for musicians with poor self-esteem everywhere. Throughout the song, I keep dropping subtle lyrical hints that I'm unhappy and that I've got some serious self-esteem issues ("but I know I'll never win, so it doesn't matter"). You see, throughout the song, I keep thinking the trick to making all of my problems go away, is to become famous. I thought, hey, if everybody loves me, things will be great all the time.

The song is supposed to be a warning. A warning of impending danger. You see, people go to great lengths to forget about their complexities and sad stories, and they bury their head in drugs, in church, in sex, and it's the same thing with someone in a band. Especially someone with as many character flaws as I have. We all have these built-in defense mechanisms and masking devices that will not allow us to ask for help or even feel good about ourselves some of the time.

I also chose the title and story of "Rock N' Roll Star" to remind people of something. I wanted to remind people that our self-destructive impulses live right alongside of those things that we are most proud of. I can't think of a more perfect way to illustrate a story than to use a big, bright shining star of a character, and then turn around and point out that he's only human and he has just as many, if not more, flaws and insecurities than anybody else has.

Although fame can seem like something where you're surrounded by people all the time and it's really great and you're always among friends and among people, the fact is that it can really fuck you up and freak you out and there can come a time when you feel like you're just completely and utterly alone. The song is a reminder, that these demons live within all of us, and whether you want to be a rock star or a rock collector, you need to pay attention to what your heart is saying to you, or else...