Here's some of my poetry and other such stuff. I'll be adding to this little by little so keep checking back if you want.
Some poetry:
Some prose:
And I breathe unto you
my utmost kiss
devoid of hope
for all hope has been
fulfilled by you
And in one embrace
One infinite moment
immortality is achieved
One immortality
enough to give to a world
If only I could share it
I close my eyes
As the chords strike clear
across the midnight skies
This is true bliss
Utmost Happiness
enveloped in one kiss.
Why was I forbade?
As the pen cries forth
Why can't I see,
This woman that I love?
Why must we be away?
Nostalgia tugs at my heart strings
As love overwhelms my heart
almost like the wine
flooding my head
Must that wine
be left to die on the vine?
Must our love
be left to die on the grove?
Despair enters at the thought of it.
As I try to think not
on the possible pain that pends.
Damn You!
Damn it all to hell!
Damn the endeavor,
Of bloody hearts,
Of artistry written,
on ice cold tablets
and murals
Written in their own
blood!
Look at me!
Look at you!
I'm innocent, damn you,
I'm a simple victim.
Victim of myself,
Of my egotism.
Of my unethical, immoral
beast that loves all.
And what is it I want?
And what is it I recieved?
A bleeding heart of artiste
Wrapped in an appealing bundle
of sorrow and fame.
It looked so appealing
Damn You! I had to take it
The sorrow, the pain, sadness
Too beautiful.
Too fucking beautiful
To put into these words
These words that shiver
with ache
Just like those on the
wall
Damn You!
Damn it all to hell!
For the ravaged fiends
of beauty
Your time has yet to come
Loved and adored
But Famished!
Famished, nonetheless
Starved and in need
Thy flesh be always and
ever weak
For our pain and suffering
be ever gratified...
For the meek
Have already
inherited the earth.
The words "Fuck You"
were written on the wall
ten times over
and ten times again
The words "Fuck You"
There on the wall
"Fine", she said
And walked away.
Somehow I did it
I finally managed
to let myself down again
What for?
My heart seems closed for keeps
My mind clouded
My soul sore
And my eyes blinded
Truly hollow be they game
Never ending rat race
To fulfill the needs
Of perpetual craving
lusting disease
Addict,
that's who you are
an addict.
Losing forever
In forever's hands
Nothing
Slit your wrists,
You'll die a whore
For being a sister
For being a motherfuck
For being a brother
For being yourself
And to think
that no one will care
Not even her
Until you
ecome obvious
All oblivious
Fuckers
To the tears of vinegar
and rotten wine.
(This poem was written at around three o'clock at night on a December, when all the lights were out, and I couldn't see a thing, and I wrote this in complete darkness, not being able to read it until the day after...)
Stranded at the corollary beach
Seeking to find a way
Restless
Thrown upon the midnight woes
My heart shivers with ache
Tried to be myself
Lost in the confusion of cold arrows
I could wrap myself up in sadness
But that wouldn't help
I'm lost in your shadow
I'm lost in the ever lasting mercy of your soul
The darkness envelops me
In darkness I write
In darkness I'll live...
I held you to me
Felt you so near
But felt we were both
far away
Long away.
My thoughts are awake
But I am in shame
And you sit there frowning
What couldÕve gone wrong
IÕm forever asking.
What did I do wrong?
I gave me away
Gave all of me
Now there is nothing
I can call my own
I left memories
That shouldnÕt have been
Took them away from me
I felt you so near
Yet so far away
Now I am hurt
and my thoughts arenÕt clear.
Note: This poem was written, incidentally, months before I first listened to the song "Blank" by The Smashing Pumpkins.
I am a blank
I didn't have
Driven from myself
Bored and unabridged
Late to the show
Late and unsewn
Brought in a can
Opened and betrayed
There are bugs
Everywhere
Taking me over
Singing my death
I am a blank
I didn't have
Never to see
The place where I am from
I recognize myself
In the reflection
In the window
In the water
I am one
As I am none
As I am he
As you are me
Undeciphered
Ephemeral
Your life
Is mine
Lost in a void
Nevermind
Never, never mind
I am a blank
I didn't have
Driven from myself
Bored and unabridged
I had a father
A mother, a brother
I had them once
I lost them along the way
My memories
Chased me further
I must've fallen again
I must've been taken over
I am a blank
I am a blank
I am a blank
I didn't have.
For Rosemary... Who's name will always remain etched upon my heart...
Your wake was thrust upon my mind
Memory can play tricks on me
And memory can be evil
Your name etched upon my heart
Like stone, my heart is
Like the bark of oak trees
Beautiful, yet strong, hard
Hardened by your memory
And like the stone, its marks wear down
Like the bark, the etchings fade away
Yes, your name is etched upon my heart
But more and more the etchings fade
As my heart is worn down
Replacing its surface.
And on this day
I declare the stars
as dead
Funny how the pages turn and hold us in between. Sadness, sorrow, pleasure, pain, denial. And I thought it all brainwashed. How stupid of me to think something else could think for me. I slaughtered the pig of my self-image. Humiliated and wrapped in hate. Oh, how I hate myself. Oh, the humanity, How far does this go?
How high does it threaten to be?
Imagine yourself locked up in a vaccum. Breathing. Perceiving. Aware. Conscious.
On this day
I declare the stars
as dead...
Knock on wood. Perceive me as you want to perceive. For it is extremely self-indulgent. These phrases. That pass through my mind. To see us as you want to see us. See us as they want to see us. The phrases alive.
Blandness and emotionless. Steal your thoughts away. Along with the magic and your charms. Your fucking charms. Your fucking belief. Your fucking self.
It's funny how fucked your brain gets when you can't speak. Speechless. Inside the cocoon of Silence. I can do anything. I could find. A kind.
As all the restless beams of my unconsciousness swoop down from below to catch the last breath of an irrepresive anger from which all the hatred, fear, loneliness, emanates and grows and grows amongst the peril of ill-shaped lives, long gone tortured and demented, all fury, all hate, all sadness, all true. Sad, depressive. The way I wanted to be. Why can't you feel my sorrow? I'm so tired of my tomorrows. Sadness is a fuck. Sadness is a fuck. My life gathering together for one final outburst of disintegration. To disintegrate myself. Relieve the torment of blood-stained sorrow. Butterfly wings stained with prisoners' blood. The blood, the sorrow, the Sadness. Meanwhile, all that rests prevails. All that grows unfondled. I am free. But not free from myself. Only freedom when you're free from yourself. And you hate yourself. You hate the way you are. You hate the way you look, the way you dress, the way you speak, the way you feel. I can't live with myself and that is the torment you live through and all you get is shit because it's yours. It's unfucking believable how much I hate myself. I, you, I, WE! We are two once again. The two fuckups. I am born again. Restless. Touchless. Speechless. Invisible. Invisible... Invisible.
Scribble in the language of an unwritten song. Can't communicate? Use a fuckin' phone. Break me. Take my life. Deceive the unseekable. Deceive the unspeakable. Fallen apart. I am two. I am two. Fuck! FUCK!
I can't fucking communicate what you can't hear. What you can't feel. What you can't touch. You are deaf to my words. Blind to my pain. Numb to my sorrow. If I fucking killed you, you wouldn't feel it. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Forget. Forget. Forgive.
Then you try to help me. Stay the fuck away. I want your help, but I want you to stay away. I know how you feel. But I can't stand your pain. It's bad enough with mine. A circle of hatred bringing both of us down. With our precious chains of gold and fairness.
SQUABBLE! Bring you down! Down, down...
With apple eyes I squeeze one more smile. Because it hurts too much to see your pain for me. And it gives me more pain. I want you to feel my pain. But I want you to take it away from me. I want my pain away. I pray my pain away. So it doesn't infect you or anyone. I'm a bastard and a fuck. For giving you my pain. Idiotic. Fucking asshole. That's me. ASSHOLE!
I am a fuckup, I am a fuck up.
I emptied my soul on paper. Not knowing how it would affect anything. It seems like I'm empty. Which in a very big way I am. Empty. Ravaged of all being. Trying to seduce the meaning of hope. But it's hopeless. It's like trying to pretend.
If I told you I felt better, it would be a lie. It would be true.
Note: This small piece of writing is what gave the inspiration to the lyrics in my song "Misery and Happiness". The opening line is used on one of the verses in the song. This writing comes from a letter I wrote but never sent to a friend.
And the misery and happiness combined live on and on and on. And the mysteries unrevealed keep nagging and tugging on my senseless mind as I try to sort out the missing pieces of the puzzle. Mysteries not yet ready to be revealed. For I who moves nomadically into another realm of land will not understand, will not seek to understand, the reason for its emptiness. As the fodder creatures of its past move farther, farther away.
Clouds of awkwardness hang above. Lights shine about? Are we vessels carrying our pain through time like an aimless train of endless thoughts? Crystal rain drops fall down onto the head of the rhinocerous crown. Drown, drown... drown. Touched. Angered. Confused. Sick. ill. An uneasy warmth envelops me, wraps me in its claws. Death. Awaits. Holding me in sporadic bursts of life-wrenching orgasms. Finally, our minds meld, we become none and the lizards have won. Insane. Insane. All of it, insane. Funny how the circles turn. Making me alive and burned. Broken by the anger droll. Locked within a lithen roll.
Couldn't believe in it. Though I was so caught up. The distance revolved inside me as I drifted along the storm. My eyes becoming emerald after fiery red ruby. My heart hard as stone, my mind confused and withdrawn. I had finally learned to be strong until the pieces of me start dying. And slowly I become what I used to be. Cold, sore, tired, lonely. Amidst the bullets and the stones I stood, now not as firmly as before. The bleeding hearts thrown at me from all sides as my own heart softens, pulsates, breathes. After an inevitable trance of limitless wonders. A tear, once frozen with seemingly undying devotion, starts its descent. As the walls all around me collapse. Which are the real walls? The walls that shield us and reflect the opposite of who we are, or the walls that bind us into the peril of the wait for apathy's last kiss? Betrothed, mangled, and misconstrued, I wait till the tears and my heart freeze again for just a second.
Note: This poem was written sometime between late '95 and early '96. It contains the first ever mention of the now infamous words "Collide, Divide, Shatter" which appear frequently in my poems, my demo tape liner notes, and even this homepage.
Collide, divide, shatter.
At an odds for despair. Wrapped up in the overwhelming sadness of the ever lasting sound. Miscarriaged and belittled. Frail, unable to succumb. Unable to fit in the anywhere. Lost in the forever of my sorrows. To fly, to die to become my own self. In connecting I would be alive. Tears frozen and tossed aside. Raindrops full of memories penetrate the place we once saw as dry, warm, beautiful. Let the sadness stay, keep hell away. Away, Forever. Nowhere left to run. Trapped inside. My soul, my cell. My heaven, my hell. My heart unpure now as my mind has always been. Unholy and betrayed. Blasphemed, unrevered. Unattended sensibility of this scorned man. To live is to die. For my life surely spells my death. My death my only escape.
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