6-15(?)-01
My dad left yesterday for the Azores where he will be working on the construction of a church. He'll be gone for father's day, but I managed to buy a card and sneak it in his suit case (let's hope his luggage is not lost). Ummm, Michelle's birthday is tomorrow, and we will be celebrating in some super way I'm sure. At work this week we got about 4 new people, which is cool, but 2 of the boys may be quitting/fired. We'll see how that goes. I'm trying to work up enoug nerve to call a boy. Why do I care? Because I'm a girl... I'm not even trying to move in on this boy, but I'm afraid he might think I am. I'm too paranoid for my own good, but with good reason I think. I'm super worried about Katherine. She moved into the Barrington for the time being, and the asshole down the street betrayed her and she doesn't even know it. I'd just like to kick some people, but what can you do when you're passive? I want to want to do something... But nothing is working out for me. I'd like to rent a movie I think, but I'll save that for next weekend when I have the house to myself. What to rent what to rent? Liz is in London by the way, the big jerk up and left me. I don't blame her, London is much more exciting than I... A lot of things are more exciting than I am, I won't attempt to list them for you, but for example watching grass grow/paint dry... Anyway, I don't have a happy thought to leave on today, so I'll just send out my love...<<<<<>>>>>
6-2-01
All I can say is I know why I can't become a nurse. I have a lot of respect for nurses, doctors, physical therapists, ANYONE who can deal with people in a lot of pain. Last nite was the worst nite of my life, spent doing things in desperate attempts to help someone I love very much. It's hard work... pray that you never have to do it. And if you already have, my heart is with you.
5-25-01
Hrmph... I'm glad the work day is over, super glad that I finally get a chance to sit down and do nothing. I started in my new notebook today, it's cute, it's a butterfly (thanks Jessica). I'm going to sleep in tomorrow, not that you care, but this isn't your webpage now is it? I saw The Doors (movie) at Kristy's with Rowdy tonite, then Rowdy and I went to Sitwells (of course). I like spending time with her because we talk, a lot of people don't want to talk anymore... That's about all I want to do, that and sleep and write. But back to the whole Movie thing... I also saw Charles Bukowski's movie Barfly. I'm depressed now because both men were such great poets, but lead lives of drunkenmadness. I'm all about madness, but the whole drunk part leaves me depresssed because you just wonder why they had to waste their time on nasty tasting beverages. Now, I have no problem with casual drinking, but when you're an alcoholic I think you need help. But anyway, I'm getting tired, and basically just rambling, not that anyone really checks this page out... Anyway, happy thought to end on has to be 3 DAY WEEKEND!
Until next time
5-12-01 (I'd like to send a shout out to Chip... Happy Freakin' B-Day)
I've had entirely too much time on my hands... This is no good. I keep thinking I'm not really connected to anyone anymore. It's really driving me crazy. I guess because I've grown apart from everyone, though I've tried to cling to certain relationships, and now I'm just realizing that there is no going back, and that my fingers aren't as strong as I thought. I don't like that things have changed, but I don't think that I'd go back and change a thing if I could, maybe that I would realize this sooner and be able to cope with it better. I guess all this extra time hasn't really been bothering me, I love to have time to just sit and think, I think it's the things that I'm thinking about that are bothering me. I try to keep busy, work in mein kleine garten, and it works for a few minutes, but that just gives me more time to think about things I don't want to. I also miss my freedom at school. I really like being able to just go out and be home whenever I want... I like going out with my friends and doing dumb things and staying over at their place... I don't like being here. I don't like that the Nati is in "unrest" or "turmoil." I don't like that my parents don't really trust me. I don't like having to wake up at a certain time. I don't mind doing things for my family, but I don't think they realize how much they are asking of me at times. I miss being away. I don't think I belong anywhere, but I know that it's not here.
...But the good note to leave on is I'm going to see Kevin's band play on June 1st because Jesse and Mike are moving back home... So I'll get to see Jessica and Amelia and some other college buddies!
5-10-01
It's one of those days. That's very cliche, but honestly... Yesterday I was fine, today I'm not so good. I think I'm depressed because everything around me is so negative, or I see it in that way. I'm very disturbed by the recent events in "the 'Nati" and people just keep drawing it out. I guess I'm more bothered by how people are reacting, the people I know, rather than what I see on the news. The other day I was driving with some friends to Clifton (In Cincinnati if you didn't know), and the girl I was with was so freaked out. She thought every black person we passed was yelling at us because we were white. She got so paranoid that it started to make me feel uncomfortable. I don't understand why people aren't more trusting... I guess maybe I do, but it really bothered me that a friend could think like that.
I don't think I belong here. I got so used to being at college and not having to really answer about where I was going or who I was going with or what time I'd be back that now I'm just ready to explode. I sat on my porch today for a while, holding my dad's camera... I shot a few fotos of some ivy on the house, my garden, flowers... The usual stuff, and I sat on the porch waiting for something beautiful to happen. I guess the closest thing was a tractor drove past, why? I don't know, we don't use tractors around here. But anyway the point is I got depressed that nothing beautiful happened. I suppose I shouldn't be too upset, I wasn't starting anything beautiful... I suppose I'm lazy.
I made dinner for my dad and brother, and had my second dinner at Kristy's new place. It didn't really seem the same with me her and Missy. I guess because I'm not into what they are, but I don't know if we ever were. I've always been a dork, I don't know what has changed now... Maybe just me.
Anyway, let's leave on a happy note. My garden is doing wonderfully and I still don't have to wake up early tomorrow! Have a great day everyone.