This is the Quotes page.


My plan is to make a thing you'll click on to get your Misfortune of the day. But as I don't know how to do that yet, here they all are.

"There is a sleeping cop inside all of us - he must be killed" ---AK Press
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." --- Lily Tomlin
(after being told she is not a poser, but she is retarded) "I'd rather be retarded, than something I'm not>"--Abby Kolb
"There is no way to tell if it's love or merely infatuation until after the fact. These definitions can only be made in retrospect." ---Ask Isadora
"Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day." --- Unknown
"Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did."---?
"Do it right the first time."
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."---Abraham Lincoln
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy."--- Charlie McCarthy
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
---- Carl Zwanzig
"There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on."--- Robert Byrne
"Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."--- Woody Allen
"One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time."--- Nancy Astor
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."--- Dorothy Parker
"I'm as pure as the driven slush."--- Tallulah Bankhead
"It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us."---Peter De Vries
"People can have the Model T in any colour--so long as it's black."---Henry Ford
"Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway."---Elbert Hubbard
"Life is just one damned thing after another."---Elbert Hubbard
"It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar."--- Jerome K. Jerome
"It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do."--- Jerome K. Jerome
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet.---Fran Lebowitz
"All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others."-- George Orwell, _Animal Farm_
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."--- Ronald Reagan
"Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead."-- James Thurber
"1) Never tell everything at once."--- Ken Venturi's Two Great Rules of Life
"Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born."--- Ronald Reagan
"An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible." --- Unknown
"An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup." --- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
"Anarchy - it's not the law, it's just a good idea." --- Unknown
"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?" --- Unknown
"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function." --- Unknown
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."--- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking."--- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
"Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it." --- Unknown
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." --- George Carlin
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"---Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978)
"I am a deeply superficial person." -- Andy Warhol (1928-1987)
"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."--- J.D. Salinger
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally." --- W. C. Fields (1890-1946)
"I am not sincere, even when I say I am not." --- Jules Renard
"I am not young enough to know everything." --- Oscar Wilde
"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time." --- Charles Schulz
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."--- Steven Wright
"I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it."--- Voltaire (1694-1778)
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them" -- Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)
"It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations." -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." --- John Andrew Holmes
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more." --- Woody Allen
"Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life." --- Robert Byrne
"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable." ---Woody Allen
"Never eat more than you can lift." --- Miss Piggy
"O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet."--- St. Augustine (A.D. 354-430)
"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." --- Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." --- W. C. Fields (1880-1946)
"Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness." --- Woody Allen
"The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television."
"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory." -- Paul Fix
"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines."-- David Letterman
"Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character."-- Oscar Levant (1906-1972)
"We should distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes." --- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally." -- Abraham Lincoln
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." -- Timothy Leary
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" --- Steven Wright
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." --- Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."--- Vice President Dan Quayle,
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." --- Woody Allen
Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250 --- Harper's Index, October 1989
"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy." --- Sam Levenson
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all."--- Samuel Butler
McCabe's Law: Nobody _has_ to do _anything_. -- Charles McCabe
"I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body." -- Elaine Boosler
"In this business you either sink or swim or you don't."-- David Smith
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." --- Bertrand Russell
"Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do." --- Jean-Paul Sartre
"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true." --- Dorothy Parker
"...ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care." --- William Safire
"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?" --- Fred Allen
"Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance."--- William Shakespeare
"Partying is such sweet sorrow." --- Robert Byrne
"Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist." --- G. K. Chesterton
"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." --- Will Rogers
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." --- Bill Nye
"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried." --- Mae West
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."--- Redd Foxx
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population." --- David Letterman
"The word "politics" is derived from the word "poly", meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'." -- Larry Hardiman
"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." ---Woody Allen
"Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast." --- Douglas Adams
"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." --- Ashleigh Brilliant
"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power"--- Ashleigh Brilliant
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." --- Ashleigh Brilliant
"My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating." --- Ashleigh Brilliant
"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." --- Al Capone
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." --- Winston Churchill
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." --- Winston Churchill
"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level." --- Quentin Crisp
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." --- Lenin
"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." --- Abraham Maslow
"Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve." --- George Bernard Shaw
"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!" --- Tommy Smothers
"Anything too stupid to be said is sung." -- Voltaire
"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever"--- Anonymous
I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed."--- Frank Deford
"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." --- Abraham Lincoln, in a book review
"Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on." --- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." --- Jackie Mason
"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone."--- Tommy Cooper
"I have often depended on the blindness of strangers." ---Adrienne E. Gusoff
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight." -- Rita Rudner
"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."--- Bertrand Russell
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." --- Joe Weinstein
"I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to pleasure." -- John D. Rockefeller
"Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff." -- Frank Zappa
"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver." -- Jay Leno
"Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us." --- Jerry Garcia
"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."--- Woody Allen
"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity." -- Bill Vaughan
"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy." ---Woody Allen
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things." ---Woody Allen
"remember the green one have usally gone bad throw them back"---jason brown

Know any good ones? They (obviously) don't need to be famous.

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