You should never wear orange slacks and a green blouse.

  Arguing with parents is futile.

  You're always too young to do the stuff you want to do, and then when you get old enough, you're too old to do anything fun.

  Kids speed up the aging process.

  When you are in a restaurant and Hanson comes on over the loudspeakers, it is NOT a good idea to scream, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and jump under your table.

  It is also not a good idea to refuse to come out from under that table.

  It is a good idea to befriend ball-point pens whenever possible. That way, when they take over the Earth some day, you'll have bargaining power.

  In that same spirit it is also wise to stock up on carrots. That will provide you with bargaining power in the inevitability that Rabbits take over the world.

  You should just eat your vegetables. It's really not worth the energy it takes to protest.

You should always listen to Space Ghost and remember his advice in times of need.

 You should NEVER, I repeat, NEVER walk up randomly to a bum on the streets and invite him to your posh mansion for dinner. Not only will you never see the precious silver again, but you'll never be able to get that spot out of your rug.

  Cookies and milk are good for you.

  Putting broccoli in your napkin never works, especially if you forget it's there and stand up, dumping it all on the floor.

  Bringing any animal home for a pet spells certain death. Even if your parents let you keep the pet, your life will never be the same again.

  In the spirit of the above message, one should NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, bring a poisonous animal home with you.

  This may seem like a no-brainer, but if you're ever walking through a forest and see a roughly circular arrangment of seemingly random brush and branches, don't go and jump on it to see if it's a trap for wild animals.

  One should always cry for mercy, especially when the person sitting on you is a 300 pound sumo wrestler.

  When naming a new dog after a hated nemesis, there will always be that urge to tell the person that you named a b@@@h after them. Always do so. It's much more gratifying that way.

  Never to get caught doing something you wouldn't do in public, it's almost always bad.

  If you do get caught doing whatever this is we're talking about, either pretend it never happened, or joke around about it with your friend's parents.

  Avoid at all costs, those large green insects that eat crops and stuff. I don't know, but I think it's about time they got their revenge. Messing around with it just makes them more vengeful.

  Never make up stories about how and why you need money. Just tell the truth but make it SEEM like a lie.

  If you ever come across a wallet lying on the sidewalk, take it back to the guy who lost it. I don't know why, but this seems like a good idea to me.

  When buying new CD's don't, under any circumstances, buy one called, "Max O'Malley and the Irish Turkey." It's almost always a surefire way to end up with a collection of Celtic-Country Western music. Believe me, it is NOT a good thing to sing "Turkey in the straw," To the tune of "The Mummers Dance" or vice versa.

BUT MOST OF ALL…..

I'VE LEARNED TO NEVER TAKE MY OWN ADVICE SERIOUSLY.

I hope you'll take my advice as seriously as you would take a real advice columnist's, that is, not.