The Pirate Forum

Ahoy, matey. So you're wanting to be a Pirate eh? Well, shiver me timbers. It's a gruesome job, and requires skill. I will teach you the fine art of Pirating.

This is not to be confused with the art of piracy, I don't play that scene. If you want that go visit a hackers page.

Anyway, to make a long story longer, I want to turn you all into pirates by the end of this page. And I want to make no money off the endeavor? What do you think? Can I do it? Well, I'll be pissed if I can't.

(pissed as in drunk, not really mad)

I'll start with:

The ten stages of pirating

Always eat your fill (more if possible)
Seize every opportunity to make it known that you have scurvy,
Make sure you broaden your horizons at every possible chance. For example, never pass up a doughnut when offered. Try to build castles from your own dried snot.
When tying victims to anything, be sure to use a sailor knot. Anything less will say, "I am not really a pirate. I am trying to become one from Arianne's Web Page, and I forgot step 4."
Never say "I'm sorry."
Never admit when you are wrong. In fact, if the situation arises, make anyone who challenges you walk the plank.
Always carry a sword and learn how to use it. When possible take lessons from a 4 fingered man with a wooden leg named Smith. (The man, not the leg.)
Learn all the drunken tavern songs and any songs that have to do with: Sailing the seven seas, scurvy, plunder, pillage, rape, and anything involving: dead men, chests, treasure, yo ho ho, and bottles of rum. It might also be a good idea to learn that Barney song,in case you ever invade Jurassic Park
Never pay taxes. Instead insist that since you are not a citizen of any land but the ocean that you owe nothing to any country. When they refuse to let you dock for repairs unless you pay, shoot them with a cannon.
In regards to your ship she must have a cool and evil sounding name like "The Avenger", or "Black Hand" not something pansy like "Tinkerbell." one of those skull and cross-bones flags on the mast, a crows nest, must be stolen/pirated from a shipyard museum, must be seaworthy, must posses lots of ale, gun-powder, rum, liqour, licker, and liccer in the cargo hold, and MUST I repeat MUST have one of those topless mermaids as a figurehead. If no topless mermaid is to be found, a topless human female will do.

About that topless figurehead, don't blame me, blame the Pirate Committee. They say it's "culture." Go figure

Now that you possess the ten steps to being a successful pirate I have to add the 10 sub-steps to being a pirate.

Must command a profuse use of the words, arrrrr and matey, as well as: Shiver me timbers, ahoy, land lubber, etc.
Must be willing to slaughter innocent headcheese.
Must posses LOTS of curry pepper.
Must be willing to wear masks, capes, and knee-high boots.
Must be unopposed to knickers and tights and pantaloons...whoops that's DUBLOONS.
Must take a self-defense class in case you are on a tropical island inhabited by fire-demons and try to stab one of them, melting your sword in the process.
Must be wiling to promote such items as:
My web page, Pirating in general, and Natalie Merchants new CD.
Must also be willing to become a faithful, and I mean FAITHFUL watcher of Third Rock from the Sun, and The Simpsons.

Must be willing to dispense with manners of any kind.
Must be willing to go on a secret mission every Halloween. Pirates dress up as teenagers and go out and smash pumpkins. We do this because every time a teenager dresses up as a pirate for Halloween, it hurts our feelings and makes us cry. This is a form of revenge.

*NOTE* All women aspiring to be pirates do not have to wear tights, knickers, or capes. Our costumes consist of low-cut cotton shirts that lace up the front and have sleeves that go just below the elbows. Needless to say, these cotton shirts are entirely see-through and we are banned from wearing undergarments. (It's that culture thing again. Don't blame me, blame the Men For Pirating Committee that permited me to make this site.) A little slip of a skirt, and those awful high heeled knee-high boots. Don't feel too bad, the mens costumes are the same except they wear capes, knickers and tights instead of skirts, and those hats with feathers in them. They can't wear underwear either. (This rule wasn't decided on by the Committee, I decided it might be cool…it is. The Committee supports it 100%, too.)

MORE CRITERIA ABOUT DRESS CODES

All old, fat men pirates must wear eye patches, feathers in their hats or turbans, and have parrots named like Polly, or Biter. A peg leg is an added bonus.

No one is aloud to wear underwear. Anyone caught doing so will be punished with death.

Thank You

Once you feel you have mastered these steps, and feel you can live up to them, and have no objections, you can go back to my Dark Page, click on my Terror Club Application Link, and sign up to be in the Terror Club.

Ahoy all you land-lubbers!

BACK TO MY DARK PAGE

Questions, comments, suggestions?

E-mail me