A year sounds forbidding....
because it's so very long.
It's been a long time,
but it almost seems like last week.
It's not like four or five years,
because that's the future and
the future is too far away.
With a year it's different
because a year is now,
not the past or the future,
but NOW!
Before, a year was just the time
I spent before i got to where I am.
Yet, in a sense the passing of
a year has been the same,
except for the fact it was very empty.
"A year next week."
I say with a hint of sadness
in my voice.
It does not help to be
outwardly depressed
all the time.
Nothing
I'm late for the bus,
that never came.
I'm lost where,
I can't be found.
I'm alone in my mind.
Flustration
I laid there in the dark,
staring at the clock,
which glowed bright red.
It turned 2am,
I closed my eyes and
listened to my heart beating,
trying to drift away into sleep.
Furious that sleep
Would not come.
I opened my eyes,
clicked on the light switch,
Violently grabbed
the book on my nightstand,
opened it to chapter three-
read two words and
promply fell asleep.
Parent Life
a boggie man
with the monster in the closet
and paranoid kids
scream for their parents
leave the door open with
the hall light on
screams in the night return
with the witch in the window
and things hidding under the beds.....
Ego Takes A Blow, and Thinks
I was told it was a selfish act,
maybe it was
But i can’t take it back.
Living day by day,
Knowing
Thinking
Feeling.
I take a deep breath
and plunge back into the whirl pool.
A Friendship of A Lifetime
They share a bond,
which no human could understand.
They may be cats,
but i envy their simple life.
By human standards they might be strangers,
but they don’t care.
They enjoy each others company.
They share a common bond-
They are each others company.
See, Hear, Taste, Smell, along with other things
It's blinding to the point where i have to look away.
I can hear it coming from a mile away.
It has a burst of citrusty with a touch of tange.
It knocks me off my feet as it rolls over me.
It feels soft as it crushes my face into the ground.
As it continues to roll down the hill,
I realise i smell really bad,
but the giant orange smelled good.
How To "Create a Being"
To create a being you heve to,
describe it,
in your mind's eye.
Originality is great,
But similar is good.
Enviroment is important,
Climate,
and everything like that.
Eating
may
be
Nessesary,
Only if you make
it so.
Nameless is cruel,
Naming can be too.
Characteristics are a must,
if you don't want just dust.
Creating,
for some is easy-
While hard for those
who
know,
It must die.
(April 26, 1999)
Dreams Might
Dancing in the water
at the dead of night
destroying the night.
Toward the moon of cheese.
with broken wings.
In abundance.
Self-Esteem broken.
In reality.
Truth.
Innocent and free.
(April 27, 1999)
Peace Rises & Falls, Rises & Falls Politics
The Sun
protector of life.
Bright in nature.
Warmth on my face,
Giving security to chaos.
The moon shattering.
Glowing-
looking peaceful,
but failing to create security
within darkness.
Yet within the dark,
Lighted by the moon-
pleasent can be felt.
Felt with the soft-
sharpness
of the green pedals of grass,
thru my fingers.
Darkness making the water- fearful.
The bright sunlight making my day,
listening to the
soothing,
wet,
calmness
of the ocean.
The happyness- outlined with yellow joy,
during the Summer Time morning.
The fear surrounds me in the darkness,
but i find solitude laying in the grass,
with the moon
shining bright
and frightening
on my face.
But the sun
banishes the fear away
making peace and security
but only for half of the day
(April 28, 1999)
Public,
speak for all cats
but don't vote political.
Now,
in California games
pay Beck-
In 1988 held
non-politic activites
order abolished workers rights.
This week
the collection by eight
53-year-old teachers.
Quarters issues unrelated,
sued officials prove
disclosures how many
was shown.
They,
ruled seven legal
statements and didn't deduct
paychecks.
Believe's spread to California,
That could rebate per teacher.
That kind of hit
control is through
already bargaining public designed red tape.
Former Pete says
the audits fined
for failing activites in Freedom
Had to pay to finance
a trail on
action and all its teachers.
Intimidate into
ignoring Beck is
the right of money.
(April 29th 1999)
Fantastical
Dropped eighty on one &
3 on another.
All the others in between
that range.
I don't understand the passion
but i know that childhood
is a part of it.
Metal is the favorite.
Plastic is a like.
Vinal is the rarity
that i have yet to posses.
The larger the better yet
the tiny one's are a convenience.
Making your own is a creative experience
but new & old ones capture some sort of innocence.
Memories of the past drive the need
for the old.
While the new traps the present
to be forever remembered.
(October 19th 1999)
Sensational
My summer is your sport as the angrily running spring.
Silver glimmers on the falling birds.
A hawk descends, cold & hard.
From the hardness valley time falls from the rider.
The tail of blood stalking the Faces of the tailed ones.
The scarlet lands fall down on all fours, onto weathered padding.
The hard-held hopes spill on the hunter green lake.
The bone breaking April morning cracks like a spring in a vice.
As the boulders heave & the gunfire rings, the rain falls.
The rock is alive and looks over the sea, and sniffles.
The four-stringed snowy horsemen summon you to the hill.
The sound of England in the shape of giant horns.
The winter’s shows off as the first season.
The deer dying in their tracks, the killing ground in the greenwood.
My country has tales that hold children hard to worldly ways.
(October 25th 1999)
To
To Be a speck of dust floating thru the hallways of life.
To Dream the unimaginable and real.
To Wake up late and worry about nothing.
To Fly down a mountain of snow on a neon pink sled.
To Relive childhood thru snow angels.
To Be Free of the chains and shakles of school.
To Have a long weekend or just a day off.
To Be the snowman that took so long to create.
To Be Happy.
To Be the bright light of snow.
To Have a snow day.
(Febuary 29th 2000)
Start with Dust- Which is what I was.
Construct a Skeleton- I do like Structure.
Add Organs and Muscle also some Blood- It would be nice to have a biology.
Skin needs to be Attached- Have to keep myself together some how.
Don't forget to Grow a Brain- How else am I going to Think?
Add the Five Senses, confeniently forget the 6th- Oh Joy I can taste chocolate now!
Next comes Clothes- My Birthday Suit is at the dry cleaners.
Last but Not least Add a Personality- How else am I going to be a charming fool to annoy you?
Then You Have Me.
(Febuary 2000)
Join me now so that we can
dive into my thoughts, feelings, dreams, aspirations, messed up stories? anyway beware of my warped mind! Ok, next are some philosipies, dreams, journal entries, stories, such and such. I didn't want to put them with the poems because they aren't poems. So if you didn't like the poems, then SCREW YOU! Most of these are just some of my pyscotic idea's/thoughts. Anyway Enjoy or don't... whichever..
Clouds The Concert Stage Fright Afraid Time Change the Order Me- God The Malfunctioning Heart She Sat There this is a very long story that's a
little to big to put on this page, so go here to read it. Click
here to see some
poems that the people of The Writing Club, at my school, made
together. And yes, i am a proud member of The Writing Club- in
which my friend is the president of. Here is some of my favorite poems.
Okies, i'm getting a
headache.... i'll finish this later. Back to Main Page
People's faces staring
blankly out smudged windows, watching the passing senery looking
at nothing at all. Except for a girl sitting in the back looking
with interest at the clouds, to her they were fascinating. She
couldn't take her eye's off them. When they passed an airport all
the kids eyes watched a plane land with little interest, and when
they stopped at a light some kids stared disinterested at the drivers in the cars next to the bus. But that girl kept on staring at those clouds wondering if anyone else was watching the clouds, wondering if anyone saw or cared about the beauty she saw. But alas they saw and looked away not interested. Even though the trees sometimes blocked her view, she continued to stare at the clouds, fasinated by the beauty of them. Through out the whole bus ride she stared at the clouds, totally aborbed in watching them. She got many different views every time the bus went in another direction. Often she got to see the same view more than twice. So she stared at the slow moving clouds in the sky, while she was traveling at a much faster rate on the
ground. By the time she stepped off the school bus, the last one
off of course. She had determined and learned nothing.
I now know what it feels like to be a sardine crammed into a tight tin can with other sardines. I know this feeling very well. Another feeling I now know is what it’s like to stand for hours- to feel my knees slowly caving in and my feet flatting to pancakes. Another thing that I know is what an joyful experience a cold drink is after nearly dehydrating, how great it feels to quench a desert of a thirst. I now know what it means to ROCK! All I had to do to gain this knowledge of these feelings and experiences was go to a concert. YES, IT’S TRUE!! A Concert! I would have done this a lot earlier if I had known that just by going to see some bands that I enjoy- I would come away with so many new experiences and feelings, which makes me dedicated to going to see more concerts to experience more new and interesting feelings and emotional highs and thrills. To feel like there was volts of electric energy surging from every pore in my body- to feel so alive and exhausted at the same time. To be so consumed with emotions- to be so freaking free. I would readily pay $18.50 again for that kind of experience!
Fear grips my heart and squeezes hard. 90 seconds tick loudly in my brain. Panic washes over me like a giant wave. Tears filled with fear sting my eyes; the stress of the past few days catches up with me. I hear my name called along with my other group members over the PA. Sweat trickles down my back; I can feel each of my vertebrae. I feel each flutter of the butterfly wings in my stomach. We’ve run out of time. I pose. The curtain opens. The music starts. My heart stops. I stand statue still and listen for my cue. Fear and pure panic hold me captive. Tears cloud my eyes. My cue is coming up. I take a deep breath and hold it. MY CUE!!! I turn to face the audience. Like a robot I go into the motions of the dance. I am still the prisoner of fear. I can’t see anything. I blink away the tears thinking I must get thru this. Bright lights shine in my face forcing heat onto me. I’m bathed in sweat; I can feel each bead on my forehead. I do my part to perfection. The music ends. We drop. The curtain falls. Applause echoes throughout the auditorium. I
take a painful breath as i begin breathing again and my heart starts back up. Then I become a ball of tears when it’s finally over. Finally it is over. But not yet. Feeling like a fish on display we stand on stage with the other acts hoping and wishing. As our name is called dull realization comes to mind, we placed third in the popularity contest. Now it is over, now I can cry from joy and not fear.
I feel that clowns are the root of all my fears. As I child I never went to the circus and I rarely saw clowns. So it is safe to say that I never had an experience where the silly laughter, painted face and huge red nose frightened me to the point of this dislike of clowns. I know that in my childish mind clowns were number one on the things I fear list. They beat out the boogieman and the people who live under the bed. I vividly recall my childhood fears. One of the more unusual fears was that there were Indians that looked in my bedroom window. Even though I never saw them I could feel their presence. One thing that the clowns and the Indians never did was appear in my dreams. The only nightmares that I recall having as a child were white. Every time I had a nightmare, all I could remember was an engulfing white. Now as an adult all I remember from nightmares are intense feelings and darkness. A significant change in dreams but my main fear has been the same. In that place next to my heart where I feel all my fears there is a smiling devil, with a white painted face, blood-shot eyes, blood red smile, sharp teeth and the grin that shouts, “I AM EVIL!”
The Artifical World
It's an artifical world
where big fish prey on little fish and everyone wants to grab
something from everyone else. These people cannot even breathe
real air anymore- they have air-conditioned homes because their
lungs no longer work properly. They never walk, they ride in
their cars eveywhere, so their legs no longer function as they
should. Look at their beautiful, gleaming faces and ask yourself:
are they human? Each night they peel them off and in the morning
put on a new one. They are not real faces- they are beautiful,
unreal masks which hide something ugly and selfish and
small-minded. Their teeth are so white they dazzle you, but it is
not a natural whiteness. Their high-paid dentists keep them like
that, capping their rotting teeth with porcelain. Their bodies
are sleek and smooth and they indluge them without compunction.
But under all this are minds and hearts which are so empty they
terrify you. The only emotions they know are greed and lust. The
only thoughts they have are ones of self. Tiny stunted minds and
tiny shrivelled hearts are all you'll find in those beautiful
bodies. That isn't life. Life leaves the marks of experience and
pain and it is real.
Time is the back pain of my life. Everyday the pain grows deeper like a needle being hammered into the base of my spine. The longest and more painful needle that time nails in a little deeper each year is the time that has gone by since THAT day three years ago. It is a lie to say that, “Time Heals”- My motto is that “Time Hurts”. Even though it has been three years, time has yet to distort my memories, I remember THAT day as vividly as if it were yesterday. I can still taste the turkey sandwich that I was longing for on the long bus ride home. My hunger was so great that I could feel the demon of hunger gnawing at my stomach. But hunger faded with every thought or feeling when I arrived home to find the greatest shock of my life. My only thought that I had left in my numbed brain was, “Why did I have to find my father dead?” I remember the burning tears and the voice in my head that screamed out in horror and in a title wave of pain. The pain turned to a numbing stillness as my instinctive reaction was to reject the pain, wake from this nightmare, to just not be me. Yet I am me and it did happen- time has not let me forget. So each year since November of 1996 time takes a hammer, as big as Thor’s, steps back a few steps winds up for the pitch and slams the needle home making me double over in pain. So each and every year I curse time, but as always I never escape. I never escape my back pain. I can never escape...
Same face, different
body. Same clothes, different style, so..... Change The Order!
Not whole wheat on rye but meat on meat!
Same socks, different color. Same music, different band, so...
Change The Order! F@#k it all up! Be different. Not the same,
different. Be all different! Speak up we can't hear you! Don't
cower away from life in fear! no, LIVE! Order some thing new.
Different room was the same, but now somehow very different in a
way. New house, same place. No, not the same. Change the order!
The order must change now, today! Don't delay what you cannot
prevent! Not whole wheat on rye but peanut butter and jelly! It's
the anti-american way! Change the order for a day? American,
anti-american. Pro-life, pro-choice. Survive, suffer. Live, die.
Choose, lose. Me, you. Different! We're different! So please,
Change the order!
If I were a God that lived during the Roman Empire I would be Februe. I would be the goddess of all the small things. My father would be Zeus, who gave me a determined mind and my mother would be Hera, who gave me compassion and a goodly soul. I would live at Olympia where I would have a little place to myself. I wouldn’t interact physically with the people of the world for fear of getting hurt emotionally because my compassion was so great that I would be extremely sensitive. A side note to my godliness would be that I was also a protector of cats, kind of like a watcher-over of them. People would pray to me about small little matters in their life, nothing big- I don’t want anything major with responsibility. But since I am a teenage goddess I would have a hard time just sitting around all day so I most likely would hang out with my brother, Ares, the god of war. We’d probably get a bunch of other bored gods together and play touch football or some other “godly” game that people revered as scared. But if I were a god, after a while I might ask to become human and no longer be a god. I think that being a god for a week would be cool but to have to deal with people’s problems that the novelty of it would wear off quickly. That’s only if I were a god, but I’m not a god and I’m glad that I pass for a human being.
A heart is the center of the human body; it keeps your body alive by pumping blood making everything work. When we have heart problems that affect our body functions we see the doctor, who is the mechanic of the body. The doctor fixes us with medication and/or surgery. But when our heart hurts not because of malfunction or disease but from heartbreak, in the romance department, whom do we go to, to get it fixed? Not the doctor- for no amount of medication can heal the emotional heart. When I speak of the emotional heart I am referring to the heart that resides in the mind. The one that can love and feel emotional pain and scaring. Who do we go to, to fix that heart? There is no surgery possible that can glue back together a shattered heart. No sweetheart with apologies, candy and flowers can mend a broken heart. Even though there’s no cure yet- a treatment is available. The treatment is you. You pick up the pieces and sew glue tape back that pieces of your heart. It may take a while but it will help with the pain. While the heart is the life of the body, the emotional heart is the center of all.
Lonely Friend
They say loneliness is
the cruelest of friends. Well, it's my only friend. I have no
friends, no ememys, only loneliness. Being lonely doesn't make me
happy, sad or normal it just makes me feel lonely. It's not cruel
if you don't have any friends, but if you do it can be very
cruel. But who are "they"? What freaking right do they
have saying loneliness is the cruelest of friends? They are the
cruelest of friends anyone could have. They judge you, They fool
you, They hate you. Then you hate them and They ban you from
other 'they people' so you turn to loneliness. Loneliness is
everyone's friend. Some people may not know that they always turn
to loneliness when "They" hurt them, tease or even
insult them. Other people turn to loneliness because absoultely
no one likes them, but loneliness does. Loneliness doesn't hurt,
tease or insult anyone. Loneliness is never lonely because
someone is always lonely. Lonliness is not sadness.
Loneliness makes you feel like your the only one in the world in a crowded room. Death is like loneliness. When you die you are
lonely because you are all alone. So when someone dies loneliness
get's a new friend for life... or death.
No Sense In The Choice
Flow of water that is
even. Even meaning no waves, no flustration, no anger and no
rage. We must rage against the dying people. Rage against the
hate to make even more hate in the dying world. To make even more
religions against the hate and for the dying world. The world is
dying and no one knows this secret except me. Me who can't even
keep a secret. I can't tell anyone. If i do then people will most
likely believe me. Damn the person who gave me this secret! If i
tell they will try to make things better but it will not help.
They are already doomed. If i tell the and ALL believe they will
try to stop something that is unstoppable and it'll cause the end
to come closer. If i tell them and all DON'T believe they are
saved. If i tell them and SOME belive and SOME don't, they are
screwed. They can never be saved becasue some will always
believe. They will never agree on something that will destroy
them. If i tell them they will be given a choice. And only one
answer id the right answer that will save them all. The choices:
A believe, all don't, or some do and some don't. I know the right
answer. And after debates and such they will for once come to a
decision. They decided that some do and some don't. So they they
will be screwed....... so i won't tell them, i'll just let the
dying world die. That's it's fate.
abducties have found their way here
