Today I read Bill's contribution to this booklet and it was encouraging and good because i have been thinking a lot about some of the things that were brought up recently. The first 2 or 3 drafts of this were about something completely different - but i guess that it's time to switch gears and write something relevant to the Floodplain record and punk rock in general, for once.

One thing that i have been thinking about in terms of hardcore, is the idea of youth and aging. Being in school for most of each year, i am surrounded by a few thousand women my age, who have these incredibly encouraging outlooks on life. The women i interact with are truly looking forward to starting life when theyt get out of school - making careers for themselves, exploring the world, getting married (or not) etc...

When i think about myself in the context of these women i revel in all the things that i plan to do after school - the kinds of jobs that i want to have, the places i want to live and travel to, and all the people that i will meet. When i think of myself in the context of punk rock kid, i think about the things that i have done and learned in the context of punk rock, but also it makes me sad to think of myself as 20 years old and feeling incredibly washed up.

I remember one day in high school after a field hockey game (so i was a jock. In fact, i still am. More so than ever) my coach told me that that day would be the best in my life. She was saying crazy things like - this is the highlight for you, Daisy, this is the best it gets. And i know that she was trying to be nice and encouraging and trying to shed light on how much i had accomplished that day, but thinking that if this was as good as it was going to get, that my life would be pretty sad. I wanted a lot more from life than just scoring goals, you know?

Similarly, when i look back at what i have accomplished in "the scene" and see some zines and columns and two really bad shows, i get sad because i don't want it to end there. I don't want those few things to be all that i can say i've contributed to this community, especially because it has given me so much. But, really, that's what i see these days. I want to be able to see my future reflected back at me when i look at punk rock, but instead i see a relatively short and limitedly productive past. It's just crazy to think of yourself as washed up at the age of 20. And it's a shitty feeling, no doubt.

Although i never live with (or even near, for that matter) boys during the school year, i have spent the past 2 summers living with boys markedly older than me. I can remember now a lot of stuff that i heard over those summers about feeling old and washed up, and how crazy that seemed to me coming from people who were like 24 & 25. It makes me really sad that people feel out of place in our "scene" (i hate that word. it's so incredibly cheesy) at an age where many "normal" (non-punk rock) people are just beginning to live thier lives.

I guess i have no real conclusion or brilliant insight for this piece, just that i find it confusing and sad and annoying that people (myself included, because i'm an ego maniac and always like to write about me) can feel old and washed up at such young ages. I'm frustrated both that aging is something that we don't really discuss and deal with as hardcore kids, and that it's conceivable and even normal for someone to feel washed up at 20. That's it i guess.

Props go to Matt for giving me space here and for keeping on my case until i actually got this done.

If you want, you can reach me at: The Rooks, Smith College Box 7838, Northampton, MA, 01063-0100

good quote of the month: "she needs to realize that she influences people as much as the krsnas." hmmm

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