jokes

NEW!

OK all this is new ,if it doesn't work for you e mail me and i'll work on it,one of my lovely friends sent it to me:)THE CLAPPER
For the Lady's
Duck Job ,sent to me from my little sister
Well thats it for today I'll add more soon Panteralady
Help Line If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16 rules for women for BJ*s 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I do NOT have to swallow! 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart! 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hearate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
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Elderly Couple A cop pulled over an elderly couple and informed the old man who was driving, "I just stopped you because you've got a taillight out." The old lady in the passenger seat, being hard of hearing, shouts: "What!? What did he say!?" The old man shouts back: "Our taillight is out!" The cop says: "I see by your license you're from Idaho." The old lady shouts: "What!? What did he say!?" The old man shouts back: "He sees we're from Idaho!" The cop mutters: "I was in Idaho once. Worst piece of ass I ever had was in Idaho." The old lady shouts: "What!? What did he say!?" The old man answers: "He thinks he knows you!"
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Anheuser Busch It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
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Harry Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, How much? She says, A hundred dollars. He says "Damn! All I've got is thirty." She says, Hold on. She runs back to Harry and says, What can he get for thirty dollars? Harry says, "A handjob." She runs back and tells the guy, all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male "unit". She stares at it for a minute, and then says, I'll be right back..she runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?!?!?!?!?!"
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Relationships

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note : "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year ! All my love. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Cairns, qld Australia - Wednesday, October 21, 1998 at 16:36:58 (EDT)

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There once was a certian married couple that had been married for several years. Hovever, the man would never do anything for the woman. One day the washing machine broke. The wife asked the husband, "Honey would you fix the washing machine for me?" He replied, "Who do I look like? The Maytag repair man?" The very next day the vacuum cleaner broke. Again she asked him to fix the appliance. His reply, "Who do I look like? The Hoover repair man?" The third day, the husband returned from work and the wife was washing cloths and vacuuming the living room floor. He turned to her, beaming, "Honey I am so proud of you! You took the inititive and fixed them yourself!" "Oh no!" she replied. "The neighbor came by and said if I slept with him or baked him a cake he would fix them for me." "What kind of cake did you bake him?" the husband asked. Her reply, "Who do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

Leigh GA - Wednesday, October 21, 1998 at 11:10:06 (EDT)

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Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right, 3 times..." "3, hmmm, well when were they?" "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..." "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...." "Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, , you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short...." lucky

- Friday, October 09, 1998 at 03:44:17 (EDT)

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Here are two entertaining emails exchanged between father and son. Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. ----------------------------------------------------------- - Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

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A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe." She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank." He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot." She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it." After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realises the robber is her husband. He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?????" Tim

- Tuesday, September 08, 1998 at 15:09:55 (EDT)

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what men can allways be sure to get when they're at home? the third degree

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20:46:51 (CDT)

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover on the closet as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "Its dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is ", the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" , the little boy asks. "No Thanks", the man replies. "I think you do", the little extortionist continues. "Ok. how much?", the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars", the little boy replies."TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!", the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with the little boy. "Its dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is", replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Ok. How much?", the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars", the boy replies. Then the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boys father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them", replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars", the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Thats thievery! I'am taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness". the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, its dark in here, isn't it?" The priest says, "Don't you start that shit in here".

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- Sunday, August 23, 1998 at 19:42:48 (CDT)

What Women Should Know About Men 1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high. 2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him. 4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probaly lies about other things too. 5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do. 6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder. 7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. 8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not used together). 9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. 10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee. 11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is. 12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a women. 13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them! 14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets! 15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man. 16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

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Mrs. Blum's husband has lost interest in her sexually, so she goes to the local lingerie boutique and buys some crotchless panties. That night, when her husband comes home from work, she yells down from the bedroom, "Honey, come upstairs...I have a surprise for you." When he opens the bedroom door, she's lying on the bed wearing just a bra and the panties. She spreads her legs and says, "See anything you want?" He says, "Why would I want that? Look what it did to your underwear."

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God says to Adam, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, I'm going to give you a brain and a penis. The bad news is, I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time.

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Turner Brown A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

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5 KINDS OF SEX 1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage,you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen. 3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F--- you!" 5) There is also a fifth kindof sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
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Three American businessmen were on a trip to Saudi Arabia when they stumbled upon a harem filled with gorgeous girls. They went in and were getting really "friendly" with the harem-girls when the Sheikh returned and caught them in the act. He had them tied up and told them that they would each die in a manner befitting their professions. "What is your profession?" He asked the first guy. "I'm a policeman", he replied. "His penis...Shoot it off!" the sheikh shrieked. "You...What is your profession?" He then asked the second American. "I'm a fireman.", he replied. "His penis...Burn it off!" he bellowed. The third guy simply stood there smiling. "Why are you smiling?...Never mind. What is your profession?", he asked. He gingerly replied, "I'm a lollipop salesman".
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If You See Me Running... The other day, there was a bomb scare in Rio Rancho, NM, at the Giant gas station. Of course, the bomb squad had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news crews. In the local paper the next day, there was a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that read: "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up!"
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The dildo, it seems clear to me, Could use some new technology Some software (embedded!) Is right where we're headed (I'm ready to lead R & D ...) Hey, girls! (And you guys who are gay) Technology now leads the way If you masturbate Using Win98 You'll cum where you want to today! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
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Tommy's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner. Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfrinds and other stuff he can think of. After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is loosing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill. He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill. Grandpa pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it. Tommy grabs the other ten. Grandpa again is surised and upset. He take Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy's quite surprise but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment. A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten dollar bill and a twenty. "Of course" answers Tommy. "So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty" asks dad. Tommy, with a wide smile answers "well dad, if I would have chosen the first twenty dolar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?"
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Hind-Lick Maneuver Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
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