Abandon Hope all ye who Enter Here. Who dareth take on the dreaded monster that is... the Terrorvision Drinking Game? Dare we count how many promising young lives have been so tragically lost to this menace? F*ck, no!

This game is still, I'm afraid to say, in the early stages of development. Play-testing has been fun, but there's only so much Terrorvision you can play on the pub's jukebox before someone with dreadful music taste but much broader shoulders than your own chooses to eject you from the premises with the aid of their steel-toe-capped hobnails. Ooh and ouch, and all that.

Anyway, to play the game you will need:- lots of Terrorvision music, a nice loud jukebox or stereo (preferably with a 'random' setting to keep everyone on their toes), and several gallons of alcohol of various sorts. Toilets are optional.

The aim of the game is to listen to all the Terrorvision music you can get your grubby little mitts on, preferably in a random order so that even the grizzled veteran won't know what's coming up, and listen out for certain events on the tracks. When one of these events occurs, all players must DOWN a certain quantity of a certain alcoholic drink. Failure to do so within two minutes of the event happening incurs the automatic fine of immediate expulsion from the rest of the game. This doesn't mean players can't drink anything else while they're waiting, but when an event occurs they MUST down the required amount. The winner is either the last person left in the game or the first person to pass out.

There are also three difficulty levels, 'Lightweight', 'Heavyweight' and 'T-Total'. Players may choose whatever level they like, and may change at any point during the game. It doesn't matter if all players aren't on the same level, because lighter players won't drop out so quickly, but heavier players stand the chance of passing out quicker. I've thought about this, see?

Oh yeah, and to test whether someone's really passed out or are just faking, gob down their throat. False inebriates will quickly gag, thus revealing themselves for the frauds they are. (PS this isn't a good tactic for testing other kinds of faking).

Anyway, without further ado, here's the Downing List:-

1) Whenever alcohol/drinking/hangovers/nightsout/bottles are mentioned in the lyrics,

LIGHTWEIGHT - Three fingers of lager (pint-glass size).

HEAVYWEIGHT - Half a pint of lager.

T-TOTAL - Glass of water.

2) Whenever the backing lyrics are along the lines of 'doo-doo-doo', 'oo-wop' or 'woo-woo-woooooo',

LIGHTWEIGHT - Shot of preferred whisky.

HEAVYWEIGHT - Double shot of preferred whisky.

T-TOTAL - Shot of undiluted orange squash.

3) Whenever Tony alludes to murder, psychopaths or general nutcases in the lyrics,

LIGHTWEIGHT - Three fingers of vodka and coke (ratio up to you)

HEAVYWEIGHT - Shot of straight vodka.

T-TOTAL - Shot of coke.

4) Whenever a song begins with just drums,

LIGHTWEIGHT - Quarter pint of bacardi and lemonade (a little less than three fingers, as people don't generally have this in a pint glass).

HEAVYWEIGHT - Half pint of bacardi and lemonade.

T-TOTAL - Half pint of lemonade.

5) Whenever a string section comes in,

LIGHTWEIGHT - Three fingers of bitter.

HEAVYWEIGHT - Half a pint of bitter.

T-TOTAL - Half a pint of bitter lemon.

6) Whenever Tony swears or says something nasty or rude,

LIGHTWEIGHT - One shot of mouthwash.

HEAVYWEIGHT - Half pint of soapy water and vodka.

T-TOTAL - Just sit there and tut or something, you boring git.

7) Whenever 'Tequila' comes on,

LIGHTWEIGHT - One Tequila slammer, salt and lemon and everything.

HEAVYWEIGHT - One double Tequila slammer, with double shot, thicker lemon, and twice as much salt.

T-TOTAL - One Tequila slammer, like the lightweights. I'm sorry, but I just can't let you off of this one. To refrain is to blaspheme.

8) Whenever Tony says 'What's The Matter' (certain songs are better than others for this one…),

LIGHTWEIGHT - Three fingers of beer.

HEAVYWEIGHT - Half a pint of beer.

T-TOTAL - Half a pint of ginger beer.

9) Whenever there's a harmonica,

LIGHTWEIGHT - Half a glass of wine (colour and vintage up to you).

HEAVYWEIGHT - One glass of wine (again, hue and age up to you).

T-TOTAL - Seven grapes (of any colour or age).

10) Whenever you hear 'Whales And Dolphins, Yeeeaaahhh!!!',

LIGHTWEIGHT - Half of whatever's left in their glass.

HEAVYWEIGHT - All of whatever's left in their glass, plus (optionally) the glass of the nearest person to their left. Leads to great musical-drinks-type shenanigans, this one. Grab it quick or you're out!

T-TOTAL - All of whatever's left in their glass. Careful mind, you don't want to have too much of that powerful ginger beer now, do you?

There it is. That should do you for now.

GOOD LUCK!!!

YOOOOOOOOU'LL NEED IT!!!

I take absolutely no responsibility for any damage or injury (internal or external) caused as a result of drunken idiots abusing this game.

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