Divine Comedy--Casanova

SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND

She said, "There's something in the woodshed
and I can hear it breathing
it's such an eerie feeling, darling"
He said, "There's nothing in the woodshed,
it's your imagination
end of conversation, darling"

Something in his heart told him to come clean
he was not who he claimed to be
Something in his genes told him to pretend
Twas something for the weekend

But she said "There's something in the woodshed
I know because I saw it
I can't simply ignore it, darling"
Now he said "Now baby, don't be stupid
Get this into your sweet head
There ain't nothing in the woodshed (except maybe some wood)

CHORUS

"I'll go all the way with you
if you'll only to the same for me--go and see
If it's nothing like you say
then you can have your wicked way with me"

He went down to the woodshed
They came down hard on his head
Gagged and bound and left for dead
When he woke she was gone with his car and all of his money


BECOMING MORE LIKE ALFIE

Once there was a time
when my mind lay on higher things
And once there was a time
I could find pretty words to say
But now, well now I find
it saves time to say what you mean
I know it seems so unrefined
but it's time to let off some steam

Oh come on!
Everybody knows that NO means YES
just like glasses on the NHS
But the more I look through them the more I see
I'm becoming more like Alfie

Once there was a time
when a kind word could be enough
and once there was a time
I could blindfold myself with love
But not now--now I'm resigned
to the kind of life I had reserved
for other guys, less smart than I
Y'know, the kind who will always end up with the girls

CHORUS

Oh come on!


MIDDLE-CLASS HEROES

"hello, what have we here, a young lady
to what do I owe this pleasant surprise my pretty one
how may I be of service this dark and wintry night
ah, i see
you wish to look into the future--your future
After GCSE's, A-levels, university...
After your first badly paid job in advertising
Ok, my pretty
Just cross my palm with plastic, and I'll see what I can do
Oh wait, the fog is lifting....I see...

Oriental paper globes
hanging like decomposing cocoons
While exotic candles overload
the musty air with their stale perfumes
And I see lentils, bean, seaweed and rice
in jars on the window sill
And it ain't hardly enough to feed the mice
running behind the lines of allergy pills

All these things will come to pass/
When heroes of the middle class/
face up to their responsibilities

I see an Indian fertility God
he's got 37 limbs to spare
And tasteless tie-dyed tablecloths
that double up as evening wear
And I see naked bodies twist and turn
on the futon of dreams fulfilled
But their three-year-old kid seems unconcerned
He'd rather swallow all those allergy pills

CHORUS

I see unspeakable vulgarity
Institutionalized mediocrity
infinite tragedy
Rise up little souls -- join the doomed army
Fight the good fight -- wage the unwinnable war
Elegance against ignorance
Difference against indifference
Wit against shit

"My words fly up to heaven, my thought remain below
Words said without feeling never to heaven go"

All these things will come to pass
When heroes of the middle class
face up, repent, and pay the price
for accidentally creating life
An oversight for which they must atone
and sacrifice their own


IN AND OUT OF PARIS AND LONDON

It is a far far better thing that I do now than I have ever done before
It is a far far better place that I go to than I have ever known before
My slap n tickle made her giggle, made her wiggle like a willow tree
so suggestively
so I suggested
she protested
I persisted till she said "Well, OK"
and I said "Wey-hey!"

In or out--of one thing there can be no doubt
Out or in--this is not a sin, it's not even original
and hey we're all individuals, so let the games begin

I fall in love with someone new practically every day
but that's ok
It's just the price I pay for being a man
if that' really what I am
And I refuse to take it all too seriously
It's such a strange activity 
far too peculiar to be taken any other way
Don't wait until tomorrow, do it today

In out in out in out in out in out in out in out

Shake it all about


CHARGE

Ladysmith wants you forthwith to come to her relief
Burn your briefs you leave for France tonight
Carefully cut the straps of the booby-traps 
and set the captives free
But don't shoot til you see her big blue eyes

Then soudn the charge, breathe your final breath
and charge into the valley of death
Cannon to the left, cannon to the right
they'll go bang bang bang all night

We'll fight them on the beaches
yes we'll fill'm full of lead
fighting naked in the open air
We'll fight in the kitchen, in the bathroom
in the garden shed
fighting the good fight any-fighting-where

CHORUS

"Come into my parlour" said the spider to the fly
"Come inside and make yourself at home"

CHARGE, I'm gonna to hit you where it hurts
CHARGE, so sound the red alert!
There'll be a cannon to the left....
and a cannon to the right
(the hills are alive with the sound of)
BANG x 15
all night!


SONGS OF LOVE

Pale, pubescent beasts roam through the streets 
and coffee-shops
Their prey gather in herds of stiff knee-length skirts
and white ankle-socks
But while they search for a mate my type hibernate
in bedrooms above
Composing their songs of love

Young, uniform minds in uniform lines
and uniform ties
Run round with trousers on fire and signs of desire
they cannot disguise
While I try to find words as light as the birds
that circle above
To put in my songs of love

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
So sing while you have time
Let the sun shine down from above
And fill you with songs of love

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
So let's sing while we still can
While the sun hangs high above
Wonderful songs of love
Beautiful songs of love


THE FROG PRINCESS

I met a girl, she was a frog princess
I guess I ought to make it clear
that I saw nothing through her see-through dress
until she whispered in my ear

"You don't really love me and I don't really mind
'cause I don't love anybody
that stuff is just a waste of time
your place or mine"

I met a girl, she was a complete mess
I should've left her well alone, but oh no, not me
I had to see if underneath that dress
her heart was really made of stone

CHORUS

I met a girl, she was a frog princess
and yes I do regret it now
But how was I to know that just one kiss
could turn my frog into a cow?

And now I'm rid of her I must confess
to thinking 'bout what might have been
And I can visualize my frog princess
beneath a shining guillotine

You don't really love me and baby that is alright
'cause I don't love anybody
I come and go through peoples' love-lives
Your place or mine?


A WOMAN OF THE WORLD

When she was just a girl she became a woman of the world
Soon there wasn't room enough for her
in between the bosoms of her family
she popped the cork, got on the Greyhound to New York
small-talked her way round just the sort
of playboys' playground she'd once dreamed about

Maybe I love her but I'm jealous of her
She's a woman of the world

(She's a fake) Sure but she's a real fake
(on the make) making up for lost time
(Just you wait) hey, give the girl a break
(And a fifty dollar bill will see to that)
That ain't enough to feed the cat
(Serve up the rats and super rats)
Well they just get fatter while she fades away

Maybe I love her 'cause I'm jealous of her
She's a woman of the world
Maybe I hate her 'cause I didn't create her
It's human nature girl
Maybe I'll suffer just to be her lover
just to be part of her world
Maybe I need her because I want to be her
baby can I be your girl?
Maybe I'll kill her just trying to thrill her
if she don't kill me first

We're making eye contact
Oh those hypnotic eyes attract such philanthropic flies
That's that, you cannot stop it so why the devil do you try?


THROUGH A LONG AND SLEEPLESS NIGHT

Through a long and sleepless night/
I thought upon the jury's plight
If what is wrong can feel so right
then life's no longer black and white
It's four o'clock and all's not well
in my private circle of hell
I contemplate my navel hair
and slowly slide into despair
This rut has fast become a trench
This smell  has turned into the stench
of rotten dreams and stale ideals
The past is snapping at my heels
Oh Danny Boy the pipes are blocked
with bedtime blues and future shock
I know the best is yet to come
but does it always take this long?

I can put on the perfume, even wear the dress sometime
But I'll always be the bridegroom and never the bride

"You deserve to be horse-whipped
But I've not horse," that joke's so shit
And whips would only make it worse
Don't tempt the lonely and perverse
The casualties of casual sex
The child of three with X-ray specs
The conman low in self esteem
The Casanova in your dreams
I'll scream and scream and scream until
I've made myself critically ill
in hospital in case you're there
in uniform, intensive care
I know you'll be the death of me
but what a cool death that would be
I'd rather die than be deprived 
of Wonderbras and thunder thighs

CHORUS

Bored of normality? why not go daft?
it's easy to do if you try
"Slide right back down that self-confident path
you've just so laboriously climbed"
Pickle your liver and addle your brain
Live the Bohemian life
Die young and penniless somewhere in Spain
Then again you could try just to leave your own life
in the way that you find most amusing
I DON'T REALLY CARE!

CHORUS


THE DOGS AND THE HORSES

Sing a happy song 'cause Spring does not last long
A flower blooms and then it's gone
Summer follows fast, make hay while it lasts
Don't ever dwell upon the past

For one day you are here and the next you are gone
Every horse has its year and every dog its day, my son
So the only thing to feel sad about is
all the dogs and horses you'll have to out-live
They'll be with you when you say goodbye

Then the fall from grace
The lines upon your face grow deeper almost everyday
Days and weeks roll by and winter nights draw nigh
and everything that lives must die

CHORUS

But as the curtains close and the last prayers are said
all my dogs and my horses appear round my bed
They have come to say one last goodbye
Goodbye....