SONG FOR WHOEVER
I love you from the bottom of my pencil case
I love you in the songs I write and sing
Love you because you put me in my rightful place
And I love the PRS cheques that you bring
Cheap, never cheap
I’ll sing you songs till you’re asleep
When you’ve gone upstairs I’ll creep
And write it all down
Oh Shirley, Oh Deborah, Oh Julie, Oh Jane
I wrote so many songs about you
I forget your name, I forget your name
Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue, Deborah, Annabel too
Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue, Deborah, Annabel too
I forget your name
I love you from the bottom of my pencil case
I love the way you never ask me why
I love to write about each wrinkle on your face
And I love you till my fountain pen runs dry
Deep so deep, the number one I hope to reap
Depends upon the tears you weep, so cry lovey, cry, cry, cry, cry
Oh Cathy, Oh Alison, Oh Phillipa, Oh Sue
You make me so much money, I wrote this song for you
Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue, Deborah, Annabel too
I wrote this song for you
So let me talk about Mary, a sad story
Turned her grief into glory
Late at night, by the typewriter light
She ripped his ribbon to shreds.
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HAVE YOU BEEN AWAY?
Your ‘fight them on the beaches’ speeches make me despair
'Cause if there’s one thing we can guarantee is you will not be there
Tidying your room, making up your bed
And if your diary’s full that week you’ll send us lot instead
Send us lot instead, put a poppy by my lover’s bed
We believe you when you say you’ve hurt your back
Have you ever been away?
Where were you when we took Calais?
You don’t know, you don’t care
You’re just glad that you weren’t there
Have you ever been away?
I’m afraid your Rule Britannia mania doesn’t ring so true
If I was captain of the waves, I’d turn the gun on you
Any last requests before you join the dead?
I’ll crap into your Union Jack and wrap it round your head
Wrap it round your head, take a look at all the blood we’ve shed
We’ll believe you when you say it was worth it
Liberate the streets of Europe, give our kids a chance
Give them Beaujolais by tap and cheap day trips to France
But you have never seen or smelt this ungodly death
It’s like the stench of roasted lamb upon your father’s breath
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FROM UNDER THE COVERS
It’s 6.00am and even Big Ben
Is trying to get his head down for a kip
But no sooner is it down
And then it’s on with dressing gown
For this city very rarely loses grip
But I have a friend who’s never up by 10.00
He’s fast asleep with mouth open wide
He’s lost a lot of jobs, but he’s won a lot of friends
And he says to me, he cannot tell the time
It’s 7.00am and we’re coughing up the phlegm
Spitting out the taste of night before
And we’ll vomit and we’ll choke
Just to climb their tatty rope
Well this city has its charm and its claw
And he’ll blame his clock
Or he’ll say he’s lost his socks
And they’ll tell you that he’s been bitten by a snake
His excuses are an art
From the bottom of his heart
And he thinks of them whenever he awakes
It’s 8.00am we’re on the road again
Racing for a placing at the top
And it says green for go
For the people in the know
But for the others all it says is red for stop
It’s cold and it’s damp
And they’ve dug him a grave
And the 10.15 merchant’s still in bed
And scrawled upon the headboard
For the whole world to see is
‘Died In The Arms Of Big Ted’
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I’LL SAIL THIS SHIP ALONE
If, if you choose that we will always lose
Well then I’ll sail this ship alone
And if, if you decide to give him another try
Well then I’ll sail this ship alone
Well they said if I wrote the perfect love song
You would take me back
Well I wrote it but I lost it
And now will you take me back anyway
Now if, if you insist that this is for the best
Well then I’ll sail this ship alone
And if, if you swear that you no longer care
Well then I’ll sail this ship alone
I’ll sail this ship alone
Between the pain and the pleasure
I’ll sail this ship alone
Amongst the sharks and the treasure
If you would rather go your way then go your way
I’ll sail this ship alone
If, if you’re afraid that I won’t make the grade
Well then I’ll sail this ship alone
And if, if you agree to him instead of me
Well then I’ll sail this ship alone
Well they said if I wrote the perfect letter
That I would have a chance
Well I wrote it, and you burnt it
And now do I have a chance anyway
If, if you swear that you no longer care
Well then I’ll sail this ship alone
I’ll sail this ship alone
Between the pain and the pleasure
I’ll sail this ship alone
Amongst the sharks and the treasure
If you would rather go your way then go your way
I’ll sail this ship alone
Well they said if I burnt myself alive
That you’d coming running back
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GIRLFRIEND
Girl, make a list
Go out and find yourself a new plaything
Oh girl you need a trip
‘Cause he’s not worth the misery and the pain
So just remember how he would tell you lies
And then pretend that everything was so sweet
No need to sacrifice
If you’re not satisfied
He’s just a canine running round on heat
Girl, you must resist
Don’t let him squirm his way into your heart
Oh girl you must insist
You’ve got to stop the fool before he starts
So just remember how he was so untrue
And all the tacky things he did to you
No need to sympathise
‘Cause he’s not worth the time
You’ve got to find someone who’s true to you
Girlfriend how could you let him treat you so bad
Girlfriend you know you’re the best he’s ever had
Girlfriend
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STRAIGHT IN AT 37
Why don’t you sing ‘I need you, baby’?
‘Cause it rhymes with crazy and it rhymes with maybe
It rhymes with lady and much, much more
And it doesn’t rhyme with the ‘F’ word
Well Simon le Bon stayed round my house before
And he was sick on the plants and he was sick on the floor
And he wouldn’t go home until he’d sung his song
With a backing harmony from Paul Young
Shall we dance again?
In our special way
With our trousers round
Our knees
Why don’t your videos have dancing girls?
With hips that curve and lips that curl
Legs are where the heartbeat starts
It’s low in neckline and high in charts
But it’s the partially clothed for the partially sighted
Behind over matter keeps the crowds delighted
We want Rambo in a ra-ra skirt
Natassia Kinski in a Brazilian shirt
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YOU KEEP IT ALL IN
You know your problem
You keep it all in
You know your problem
You keep it all in
That’s right
The conversation we had last night
Well all I wanted to do was
Knife you in the heart
I kept it all in
You know your problem
You keep it all in
You know your problem
You keep it all in
Midnight, a husband getting ready to fight
A daughter sleeps alone with the light
Turned on, she hears but
Keeps it all in
Just like that murder in ‘73
Just like that robbery in ‘62
With all these things that have happened to me
I kept it all in
Why do you keep on telling me now
You know your problem
You keep it all in
You know your problem
You keep it all in
That’s sweet
That conversation we had last week
When you gagged and bound me up to my seat
You’re right I do
I keep it all in
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WOMAN IN THE WALL
He was just a social drinker but social every night
He enjoyed a pint or two or three or four
She was just a silent thinker, silent every night
He’d enjoyed the thought of killing her before
Well he was very rarely drunk but very rarely sober
And he didn’t think the problem was his drink
But he only knew his problem when he knocked her over
And when the rotting flesh began to stink
Cry freedom for the woman in the wall
Cry freedom for she has no voice at all
I hear her cry all day, all night
I hear her voice from deep within the wall
Made a cross from knitting needles
Made a grave from hoover bags
Especially for the woman in the wall
She’d knitted him a jumper with dominoes on
So he wore it every day in every week
Pretended to himself that she hadn’t really gone
Pretended that he thought he heard her speak
Then at last it seemed that he was really winning
He felt that he had some sort of grip
But all of his new life was sent a-spinning
When the rotting wall began to drip
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OH BLACKPOOL
I wasn’t sure if it was Marx or Hitler who was in this year
I hadn’t been to Brighton for a while so it wasn’t too clear
So imagine my surprise when I opened my eyes
To find it was the Liberals who were hip to sloganeer
I’m out tonight and can’t decide between Soviet hip or British pride
So help me out, so help me out
Blackpool help me out, Scarborough pull me through
So help me out
They wore enamel badges of David Steel on their sleeves
And nuclear power no thanks, not sure and yes please
And their faces were two fold and their teeth they were gold
And they wore their pinstripe suits with a rip at the knee
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LOVE IS . . .
Ooh you care, you really, really care
From the first 12” I made to the colour of my underwear
Ooh you know, you really, really know
Inside, outside in, from head to toe
But where were you in the colder days?
I’d like to know, I’d like to know
And where will you be in years to come?
I’d like to know, I’d like to know
So don’t beg and don’t plead
You can’t have the heart you made bleed
You’re in love with fame
So whilst we love, please don’t scream my name
You’re my friends, my only real friends
But I’d like to know where you’ll be when the party ends
I remember your face, the dance was slow
“Easy” by the Commodores and you said ‘no’
But where were you in the colder days?
I’d like to know, I’d like to know
And where will you be in years to come?
I’d like to know, I’d like to know
So here’s an invitation to this caring nation
25 years from now will you come to my cremation
Sherry or beer, family and friends
Will you be there? Will you be there?
No fame, no fortune, no name in lights
Will you be there? Will you be there?
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I LOVE YOU (BUT YOU'RE BORING)
Birds are singing in the trees
As we rise up on a beautiful morning
But I can’t bear
This beautiful sound
Because I’m permanently yawning
What about the time of the fancy dress
When you came dressed as your Mum
And there I was splendid in my penguin suit
So scared to show my bill
You must have been listening to your Carousel
Your Carousel, your Carousel
Remember the time
When I turned the house into a rocket ship
And you refused to come to Mars
You said “It’s too far”
You had to be back by six to watch your Carousel
Saturn’s much too far
You had to watch Carousel (What’s going on in there?)
When we first met
I asked you for your hand
I didn’t really mean that hand
I meant join hands
Bake phallic cake (Bake phallic cake)
Carry round sticky tape
And love those devil days
Be an Indian elephant (Be an Indian elephant)
Bait straight people
But you must have missed my wink
You must have missed my wink
(I love you
But you’re boring, you know
I really do love you
But you’re so particularly boring)
Maybe you were busy listening to Carousel
Watching Carousel, living carousel
You were listening to Carousel
You were watching Carousel
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