News, cartoons, soap operas, something I don't recognize, probably animal planet, news again, MTV...

I hear someone knocking on the door and I groan softly. I was planning on at least having a good hour of silence in my room. I had even considered taking a nap for an hour or two, since the last couple of weeks I've barely been able to get two hours of sleep at night. Insomnia isn't recommendable while during a five month tour, let me tell you.

I stand up from the bed, leave the control on top of the gray comforter. I wonder if the hotels get together once a year to decide the texture of the comforter, because so far I've never found a cozy one.

Walking over to the door, I check the clock. It's barely five in the afternoon. At least after this short -- because I'm gonna make sure it's short -- interruption I'll be able to get back to my own little world. Nothing good is on TV, so I just might decide to continue my reading. It's got to be at least a week since the last time I picked up the damn book. It's an amazing book, but with our schedule so far, I haven't had the time to pay attention to it. Gosh, I haven't had the time for a lot of things, I realize.

I hear another knock on the door as I enter the living room area. Would you hold your horses? I'm here and I'm coming, as I'm sure you can hear from the other side of the door. Where else would I be when I specifically said I was gonna retrieve to my room to have some alone time someone obviously didn't wish to consider.

I finally reach the door, opening it with one swift moment and come face to face with one of my closest and dearest friends, his hand raised in the air, just about to knock on my door once again.

"Hey," I say, a small smile on my lips.

He smiles at me an embarrassed smile, completely aware that I didn't want to be disturbed. "Hi," he says shyly.

Shy? Nick hasn't been shy since he was fourteen, so I don't understand his sudden awkwardness around me.

He's standing there, looking at the floor, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. It's more than obvious that he wants to enter my room.

I move aside, motioning for him to enter. He nods barely perceptively and enters. I close the door behind him and start walking over to the fridge. I hear him walking around the living room area, hearing the couch complaining about the new weight on it.

Taking a Sprite from the cooler, I speak up. "Want something?"

I can bet he shook his head and is now realizing I can't see him, since I'm still looking at the cooler. A second later, and confirming my assumption, I hear him say, "no, thanks."

I nod more to myself than to him, close the door and turn around. I walk over to where he's sitting, standing in front of him.

"What's wrong?" I ask right out. I know he wants to talk with me about something and I can almost smell what it is about. I haven't known him this long not to see the obvious and read between the lines. I'm getting really good at it, if I must say so myself.

I open my can of Sprite, taking a long gulp as I wait for Nick to open up to me. It usually doesn't take this long, but sometimes things have to change at some point. He's the type of person who starts talking before the door has even been closed. He's always animated, jumping up and down, moving his hands around, laughing in the parts that have to be laughed at, pointing things and hoping I understand even the smallest detail. I try my best, always going along with him on the story, asking him something when I didn't understand this or that part. I need to remember almost everything, because some other day I'm sure he'll come back and ask me about something in particular, or continue the story right where he left it. He's always like that. So I don't really get why in the world he's stayed so quiet for so long.

I hear him take a deep breath and see him lift his eyes to mine.

"I'm gonna tell him."

Four words have never surprised me more. I'm so very stunned, it's a miracle the coke didn't go down the wrong pipe.

"What?"

He nods, totally sure. Now I know why he needed the time. He wanted to get the courage to tell me. If it took him a good ten minutes before telling me, his confident for the past year, I wonder if there'll be enough time in the world for Nick to get enough guts to tell him.

I shake my head slightly. "I don't know..." There's more than just a little bit of doubt in my voice. I'm totally sure this isn't going to have a nice ending.

He stand up, walking closer to me. "No, I have to tell him. You know that."

I look up at him. "Nick, are you sure about this?" I see him nod, but continue asking away. "I mean, if you do it, there's no way around."

"Gosh, don't you think I know that!" I can tell he's exasperate. I don't need his arms moving around or his tone rising.

I take another sip of my Sprite. I need to think clearly. I need to find a convincing point. "Nick, please, think this through."

"No!" He comes even closer. "I've thought about it more than enough. I've thought so much about it, I know there's nothing else left for me to do."

I sit down on the couch, heavily, placing the coke on the nearby table, and look up to him.

He sits by my side. "I have to."

I start biting my lower lip. "I don't want you getting hurt."

He shakes his head, his eyes shining and gives me half a smile. "I won't."

This time I shake my head. "No, you will. Nick, I know him better than you do. Please..."

He stands up. Apparently, Nick only came here to let me know he was going to tell him, not to ask for my advice, like he's been doing all this time. "I just have to do it. I have to tell him before it's took late."

"Nick..."

"He's gonna get married." He turns around and I can see tears glistening in his eyes. Gosh, haven't I seen Nick get like this over him before, over the very same subject of his marriage. "He's gonna get married and I have to tell him before that if I wanna stand a chance."

I want to tell him he already doesn't stand a chance, but he won't listen to me, like he hasn't for the longest time. Why doesn't Nick move on? Why can't Nick forget him?

Stupid question, I know, but I have to ask it.

I stand up and walk over to him, standing right in front of him. I need Nick to hear my words and understand them. "Nick, I care for you, ok? I love you. You're my little brother and you'll always be Nicky for me. That's why I'm telling you this. If you tell him, he'll only..."

He shakes his head, moving away. "No, I still..."

I catch up with him, which isn't that tough, considering he's still in my closed room. I take his hands in mine. "Nick, please, listen to me..."

"I have to do it." Nick looks at me right in the eye and I fear what I see: conviction. The very same conviction he's been lacking this whole year while not knowing if telling him was the right thing to do. "I just have to. You've seen me this past year. You've seen me all this time. I always come here to your room to tell you about the cool afternoon we had together. I come and tell you about how much I enjoyed spending time with him and how I wish for once, only once, he'd look at me like he looks at her. I always do the same thing. I come here, to you, and cry because he doesn't love me." His eyes are filled with tears and once again my heart constricts seeing him in this much pain. "I've loved him all this time. I've loved him from afar but not anymore. If he plans on marrying her, then the last thing I owe myself is telling him how I feel."

I sigh softly. I always hated seeing Nick suffering for him, crying for an unrequited love when I knew he'd never feel the same. He's family, but more than once I've hated him for doing this to Nick. He's my cousin, yeah, but he's also the blindest person on earth, not to see just how much and how deep Nick's feelings for him run.

"Are you sure about this?" I know he is, but I have to ask one more time. I need to make sure Nick's totally conscience of what he's doing, since he won't be able to turn around once he's done it. Even I won't be able to make it right if something goes wrong. That's what I hate the most of the situation. I just hope things don't go as bad as they could. I just hope he at least understands.

Nick nods, a smile on his lips and reaching his blue eyes. "I thank you for everything you've done, I really do, but I have to do this."

I nod at him. I know he's not asking for my permission, but I feel like it's the last thing I can give him, since I won't be able to help him in this one. "I know," I say softly. I open my arms and he closes the space on his own, reaching for my embrace. I close my arms tightly around him, hoping to shield him from everything bad in the world. I wish I could. I really do. If there was something I could do to save him the pain, I would. But Nick's right on this one, he just has to do it.

I tighten my hold on him, hoping to keep him in my arms only another minute if that could make him change his mind. I place a soft kiss on his head, just like I have being doing it for as long as I've known him and protected him, before letting him go.

He stands up high, looks at me in the eye and smiles. This time I know this smile is for me and me alone. "Thanks," Nick says, his voice full of emotion. "Thanks. I don't know if I'd have been able to get through this last year on my own."

"You would have," I hurry to reassure.

Nick shakes his head. "I don't think so. I've been strong because you've been strong for me, because you've always been there for me. I'd have never been able to trust anyone like I've trusted you."

I smile at him and I hope he can see just how much I care for him and how I'll always be there for him. I wish I could give Nick more than just my smile, but this time I'm empty handed. I can't give Nick what he really wants: him.

"When are you gonna tell him?" I hope Nick's think this enough to realize that the last thing he can do is tell him in a moment in our schedule when they can give each other some time apart if something was to go wrong. Having them tense or uncomfortable around each other in concert night wouldn't be good for neither them nor the group.

"Right now."

I blink, surprised. I knew Nick wanted to tell him right away -- before he loses his confidence -- but not that sudden. "Right now?"

"Yes, right now. After I leave here, I'll go over to his room. They'll get married in two months. She isn't with him for this week, so I wanna be able to talk with him in private." He smiles at me. "I have to."

"I know," I repeat. I know he has, but I can't stop fearing for him. I nod. At least we don't have a concert today, so that's something. We don't have anything until tomorrow afternoon, when we've got an interview and concert. But he's right, this is the only hole in our already busy schedule. If he doesn't tell him now, the next available moment will be in about a week, she'll be with him and the wedding date is quickly approaching.

He smiles at me one last time before turning around on his heels and walking over to the door. I see his back at me and start biting my lower lip. He's gonna tell him. Finally, a year after, Nick is gonna tell him the truth. I sigh softly.

"Good luck!" I call out just before he reaches the doorknob.

Nick turns around, giving me one of his best smiles. Not the ones for the cameras or the fans, but the ones reserved for the family and friends. I smile back at him. "I'll tell you all about it later," he says, his eyes dancing brightly. He smiles one last time and opens the door, crosses the threshold and closes the door behind him -- closing it in between me and him.

I let out a long sigh as I sit down on the couch, covering my face with my hands.

Oh God.

This isn't going to go like Nick wants it to, I know that much.

If anything, I know my cousin. I've known him all my life, so I know the way he feels and almost the way he things. I know him, plain and simple. I know him and I know he's in love with his fiancée.

This just isn't gonna go like Nick thinks it will. Nick will tell him he loves him, Nick's loved him for a year, but he isn't gonna say he loves Nick back. He isn't gonna say he's been in love with Nick the same amount of time.

This is gonna go wrong.

I can see it already. That's why I've been there for Nick all this time. That's why I kept telling Nick to forget him, to move on, while Nick kept telling me he couldn't, he just loved him so much. That's why I've protected Nick for as long as I could. I've done it because I care for him. I've done it because he's my friend.

I bit my lower lip harder, pressing my hands tighter on my skin.

This is gonna go wrong.

And Nick's gonna get hurt.

*****

I move my eyes from the last word I've pretended to be reading and over my watch, trying to convince myself not to see the time, since it won't make it move faster. My eyes fall over my book, but the words seem to mingle together, making it for me impossible to read them.

I sigh, tired of this pointless charade and finally give into my pushing psyche and look at my watch for the thousandth time in the past five minutes.

It's six thirty and I've come to the conclusion that when you more want time to move faster, it seems to stand still and linger every second until it lasts an hour, stalling as much time in itself as it can. And I hate it.

It's been almost an hour and a half since Nick left my room to go over his to tell him. An hour and a half and he hasn't come back. That's so very not him. Nick usually comes straight here after having spend any amount of time with him, planning on telling me everything about the get together.

I sigh again. I can't keep kidding myself. I can't keep telling myself that maybe their conversation has lengthened, that just maybe he feels for Nick the same way Nick feels for him.

Something has gone wrong and I know it.

I stand up from the couch in a jump, throw the book on it unceremoniously and open the door in a slam. I get out of the room, not even realizing my door is still open. I look up and down the hallway, not seeing a shadow in the artificially lit place.

Where is he?

Surprisingly enough, I see AJ turning around the corner, walking towards me.

"Hey bro," he greets me. He's got bags in his hands and Arthur, his bodyguard, is following him with at least another five or so bags. AJ's gone shopping and spend half his fortune in it.

"Hey," Arthur says in my direction.

I nod at him, acknowledging him.

"How ya doing?" Alex continues. "I've got this cool pair of pants I wanna show you."

I stop myself from cringing at the thought. Each and every pair of pants AJ has bought has given me the feeling of being something thrown up by a modern picture, it's so... colorful.

"Sure," I say, "it'd be good to see what atrocity a new designer thinks it's an actual piece of clothing." The rest of the guys and me have always been very vocal on our dislike of his so call taste when it comes down to wardrobe.

He only gives me the finger.

"Hey," I start, like it's nothing at all, "have ya seen Nick?"

Alex thinks about it for a moment before shrugging. "Not really. Sorry man. Haven't seen him seen since lunch. Shoulda be in his room playing Nintendo though, right?" He shrugs again. "Don't know really. Sorry."

I shake my head, like it doesn't really matter, even though I'm dying inside from worry. "It's ok, I was just wondering."

"Any time bro." He gives me one last smile before walking over to his room, Arthur by his side. I know what's he gonna do know: he's gonna place all the clothes on his bed and check them out, separating which he still likes and which were just a waste of money. He does this all the time.

I stand in the middle of the hallway and close my eyes for a moment. If he hasn't gone to my room to tell me what happened, then where could he actually be?

First and most obvious answer...

I go trotting over to his room door and start knocking on it. I have to tell myself to knock and not pound on it, as it would call the attention of the rest of the guys and, to tell the truth, that's the last thing I want right now.

Nothing.

I knock again, a little bit louder this time. Nothing. I let out a long sigh. I'm really close to loosing my patience.

"Nick!" I yell, still knocking.

Nothing.

"Shit," I curse under my breath.

Where else?

Second and not so very obvious answer...

He loves going over to the pool, since it's the closest he can get to a beach in a closed hotel. I check the time. It isn't even seven o'clock, which means that people are still in the pool, which means that Nick would never go there. He wouldn't go there, if things have gone the way I think they have, risking himself to be seen.

I shake my head.

Idiot.

I start banging on the door. "Nick!" I yell once again, hoping no one in the continuous floors can actually hear me. He's there. I know it. He's there, he just doesn't wanna open.

I wait a minute and when the door is still close, I take out of my pocket the security set of keys I hold. Picking his from the bunch, I place the keycard on the lock and the door opens with no complains at all.

I enter the room, looking around. The living room area is deserted. The TV is off, the kitchen empty and it's so quiet a pin being dropped could be heard. That has never been associated with Nick's room. Not for as long as I've known him.

Crossing the living room area, I walk into the bedroom. The bed is made, his suitcases open all along the table on the other side of the bed and on the floor in front of the dresser on my right. Nick has never been the tidiest person out there. His sketchbook is open on the night stand closer to me and, knowing how much he cares for it, I don't pay any more attention, not wanting to invade his privacy.

The bathroom in on the other side of the room, so I walk around the bed wanting to see if Nick is in there, even though I don't hear the shower.

It's when I'm about the reach the bathroom that I realize that there's something -- someone -- hiding between the bed and the night stand. There, curling in a tight ball, sitting on the floor, is Nick.

My heart seems to shatter as I see his broken form. His arms are around his legs, holding them tightly to his chest, rocking himself back and forth. I can hear his sniffles and I don't need to see his blue eyes to know they are red and puffy.

I walk towards him and sit by his side on the floor. I'm sure he knows I'm in the room, but he doesn't really acknowledge me. I place my arms around his body and pull him towards my chest slowly, almost making him sit on my lap. He curls in my arms, laying his head on my shoulder, and continues crying. I start rocking the two of us as he holds on me for dear life. He continues crying and I start running my fingers through his hair, trying my best to comfort him.

"Shh," I whisper, the rocking never stopping. "Shh... it's gonna be ok Nicky. It's gonna be just fine." I don't know how, but I'm gonna make it be fine again.

"I shouldn't have...," I hear him mutter lowly. "I shouldn't have told him."

I'm not really sure if he's talking with me or only thinking out loud.

He looks up at me and my suspicions are confirmed. His eyes are blood red and puffy from all the crying, his nose is running and my heart breaks all over again.

"I told him," he says between cries. "I finally told him. He just looked at me and said he was sorry. He said he was sorry. He said..." A knew shed of tears start, cutting his explanation short. He places his head on my shoulder again and I resume the rocking, my hand starting to rub his back up and down in short movements. I used to do this when he was a child and I hope it still calms him down like it did back then.

"He doesn't love me."

I had feared that but until the words left his lips, I had wished I was wrong. For Nick, I had wished I was wrong.

Nick looks up again. He's biting his lower lip, reminding me of his younger self when he was only fourteen. He used to bit his lower lip all the time.

"He doesn't love me," he stats, looking at me, his blue eyes filling with tears once again.

"Nick..." I breath out.

He hugs me tightly, burring his face on my chest. "Brian doesn't love me. He said he was sorry I felt this way, but that he just loves me as an older brother. He says he's in love with Leighanne and wants to marry her." Nick chokes back a sob, clenching my shirt tighter. "Said he's always loved her. Brian kept saying that he'll always be my best friend, that this hasn't changed anything between us."

"Oh god Nick," I lean over, kissing the top of his head. It was exactly like I had feared.

Finally, Nick looks up. The face I'm looking at is the face of a twenty year old boy who just had his heart broken. Still, I can't help but wish he was the naive and ever happy seventeen year old boy who used to pull pranks on me. I miss the happiness in his eyes. I liked it more than the despair I can see in them now.

"Why did he say that Kevin?"

I don't know what to answer him. I wish I had all the answers, like I did when he was younger, but I don't anymore and that kills me. What can I answer him? What can I tell him?

Nick covers himself with my embrace, my arms hoping to protect them from the world out there.

"Why doesn't he love me Kevin?"

I can't answer that. I don't know how.

"I don't know." I say truthfully. I sigh slowly. "I don't know Nicky. I wish Brian felt the same way about you but he doesn't. I don't know why. I'm sorry." I can't say anything more.

Nick's fists hold onto my shirt, his face being buried in the crock of my neck. My hand moves to his hair, running my fingers through his soft blond locks, while my other hand holds him around the waist.

"I love him so much Kevin. I love him so much." He cries a couple of lonely tears. "I love him."

"I know Nicky." The hand that was around his waist resumes its movement up and down his back. "I know Nicky. I really do. He does love you Nick. He'll always be your brother and you two will always be Frick and Frack, playing Nintendo, going one on one before a concert and pulling pranks on us."

Nick pulls away just enough so he can look into my eyes. "He doesn't love me like I do. Brian doesn't love me like I want him to love me."

"No, he may not," I smile at him, my hand moving from his hair to his cheek, "but he cares a great deal for you. He doesn't want you hurting for this. He doesn't want you hurting at all."

He places his head on my neck again. "He doesn't love me," his voice is low, pained and sorrow is audible in each syllable. He sighs like a heartbreak. It's a painful sound. "Brian doesn't love me." Nick stays quiet for a minute, then finishes, "he doesn't love me and no one will ever love me."

"Oh Nick," I press him closer to my chest, starting the rocking all over again. "Nick, it's not like that. Of course you'll find someone who'll love you as much as you'll love them. You'll find that someone special for you. That person just wasn't Brian. Brian found his soul mate in Leighanne and you'll find yours given the time." I kiss the top of his head. "You will and it'd be even better than you ever dreamed. You'll have your breath taken away from you the moment you lay eyes on them. Your heartbeat will accelerate just by thinking about them. You'll have an ever present smile on your lips whenever you're talking about them." I smile and place another soft kiss on his hair. "You will."

Nick pulls always at arms length, his blue eyes bright, hoping to believe. "You promise?"

I know I'm taking a huge risk here, but for the first time I'm willing to gamble on this one. I'd bet my life if I had to. "I promise." I say seriously. I'd never lie about this. I just couldn't. "I promise."

Nick leans onto my chest again, curling like a child on my lap. My arms go around his body, holding him tight. I'll protect him. I'll do it from now on.

"I promise," I whisper softly as I start rocking the two of us, his cries having stopped by now. His breathing starts evening out, letting me know he's about to fall asleep. I continue rocking the two of us, whispering soft words into his ear. "I promise."

His breathing has fallen into a regular rhythm against my clavicle. I smile softly.