Make sure you enter in this information exactly as shown above.

See you soon!

Sincerely,
The Crush Master

PS. This is not junk email. You've received it because someone you know came to CrushLink and confessed an interest in you! Maybe it was that hottie from English class or the cute one at the party last weekend or maybe--well, we can't even give you a hint until you come to CrushLink.com.

PPS. If you do not wish to receive any more of these messages from CrushLink, please visit http://www.CrushLink.com/block.php3

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It was barely after Nick had read it for the third time that he let himself lean against his chair, his eyes still not leaving the monitor.

A crush on me? Somebody has a crush on me?

Well, that was the email clearly said, he was sure of that much. But who? That was the question that kept rising in his mind. And how in the world had she found a page that could send emails like this? The email had been sent last night; he could see that from the date. Who had sent it?

Nick shook his head. This was insane. This was actually beyond insane. It was the kind of things AJ would do.

Shaking his head once again, Nick let out a soft sigh. It was a joke. It had to be. No one in their right mind would ever send an email like this -- if that page even existed.

He chuckled slightly. It was probably another mindless propaganda --

This is not junk email.

He shrugged and wrote nonchalantly,

Nick smiled. Thus his late night surfing through the net, he had gotten used to have the very same Password to wherever he was to sign in. That way, he'd never forget one, since they were all the same. That was one of the very few things he was proud to say he had thought about all by himself.

Clicking the gray button, Nick couldn't help but feel that he was being really childish about this.

This is nuts. This is even beyond nuts.

The page opened, and, once again, Nick read it thoroughly.

He wanted to know who had send him such an email, that was for sure, but he didn't want to make a fool of himself in the process either. It was bad enough that at twenty-one he was in a page that would let him know who had a crush on him. It just sounded so... high school. But then again, he hadn't been in high school when he was a kid, having a tutor on tour instead, so he didn't have a way of knowing if things like that actually happened somewhere else besides the TV.

Running his fingers through his disheveled and wet hair, Nick remember he had gone to the computer right after the concert, not even bothering to take a shower first. Now, to top things, he was smelly and all sweaty. Great.

He rubbed his face with the palms of his hands before parting them to look at the computer screen for what seemed like the nth time that very same night.

No pain, no gain, right?

He might as well just put that old saying at test now that he was at it.

Nick wrote down another email account he had (one he had made himself for whenever he wanted to chat) and clicked on the button.

Nick held his breath unconsciously as he clicked on the addy. The page opened and he read it.

From : CrushMaster@CrushLink.com [Save Address] [Block sender]
To : bringinthekaos@hotmail.com
CC :
Subject : CrushLink > Your HINT #2
Date : 22 Aug 2002 23:56:00 -0000

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Hello,

Here is your hint:

- Crush #1's last name contains 10 letters

Isn't it time to add more people to your CrushList?

Nick sighed. One more thing to do to be able to find out whom in the world had a crush on him. This was going beyond the classical practical joke. And he was sure the worse part of this all was that this couldn't even be a practical joke. Someone -- a nut with lots of free time and nothing else for him to do -- had thought that designing a CrushLinnk page would be really great.

"Asshole," Nick muttered under his breath as he started filling the form. He wrote down his online screen name and the addy of an old friend of his. He'd have to call Katherine later today and tell her about what had been going one. He sighed again. The man was a moron and had Nick clicking and filling forms for the only and pointless purpose of finding the name of someone who liked this. Oh great.

After he was finally done filling every little piece of information available there could be, Nick clicked on the button. He waited for a moment before the page changed for what seemed like the nth time in the past week.

Your third hint should be send to your email!

He waited a minute. Two minutes. He was about to give up -- for the hundredth time -- and shut down his laptop when the MSN Messenger let him know he had a new email from CrushLink. He clicked on the box and his Inbox started downloading once again.

From : CrushMaster@CrushLink.com [Save Address] [Block sender]
To : bringinthekaos@hotmail.com
Subject : CrushLink > Your HINT #3
Date : 25 Aug 2002 23:49:19 -0000

The date. The time. The addy. Even the page told Nick loud and clear that his more farfetched guess had been the right one.

And while his brain tried to process the latest piece of information that had been given to him, his instinct, the same thing that told him that joining the group had been the right decision and that maybe being alone for the time being wasn't so bad if the girls only wanted to be with him for his name, told him once again, and certainly right again, that turning around would be the correct choice of movement. Doing so, he knew he would later regret it.

There, standing barely two feet from the threshold that separated the bunks from the kitchen, papers in hand, mouth barely opened, eyebrows shot up, stood Kevin with a bewildered look on his face and hurt written all over his eyes.

Nick, eyes locked with Kevin's, didn't say anything, his brain not even able to think anything besides the present scene that seemed brought from a nightmare and turned into reality, his vocal chords not even daring to make a sound.

He knew he should be apologizing, probably on his knees, begging for Kevin's forgiveness. He knew he should be making up some lame excuse. But when Kevin's eyes darted over to the laptop screen, for what Nick was sure was the second time since the older man had entered the room, the email plain visible from where he was standing, Nick knew it would be pointless. He was screwed. Big time.

And even if he had taken the huge chance on trying to say something, it would have been cut off as AJ, Brian and Howie entered the kitchen area loudly, positioning themselves in between the two people already in the room. One that felt like dying from embarrassment; the other one from utter shame.

Words came and went as the three guys talked among each other about the game that had already ended.

"I'm gonna beat you Carter," Brian said, eyes focused on Nick's lost ones. "I need the re-match."

Nick didn't answer. He couldn't. He wouldn't.

"Nick?"

Nick's eyes stared at Kevin, unwavering. Neither did Kevin.

But before Brian could wonder more about his friend's lost status, the bus stopped as they reached their hotel for the next two days. Mid afternoon sunrays' shinning onto the partly opened windows didn't seem to fit Nick's and Kevin's gloom mood.

Brian reached for Nick's hand, dragging him out of the bus, saying something about getting into the hotel so they could play some more. Nick didn't want to leave. Nick didn't want to leave with something like this hanging over his head. Raising his eyes, looking for Kevin's face, Nick was able to see the older man letting his head hung low, his eyes darkening just before Nick turned around and walked down the bus.

*****

A breath in. A breath out. A breath in. A breath out.

That was mostly Nick's mantra as he stared at the closed door, hoping it would either stay closed or the ground would just open up and swallow him whole. It had taken him a good hour to get Brian out of his back. Nick still thanked his lucky star that the man had remembered he had a wife he hadn't talked with in three hours.

But now, standing face to face to Kevin's door, planning to talk with him wasn't much of a good idea. Back when he had been thinking about it in the safety of his room it had been an amazing idea. Now, he wasn't that sure.

You have to do it, that pain in the ass of a conscience he had told him. You're the one who fucked everything up, so you have get this thing straighten.

"No I don't," he whispered under his breath. "I don't think I can..."

What? His mind debated with him. You don't think you can get in there and ask him why he did what he did? Well mister, you don't have much of a choice. This would have been a lot easier if you had done what I told you and left his laptop alone.

Letting out yet another breath, Nick realized his conscience was right. He had to do it. If he had been stupid enough to fuck up, then at least Kevin deserve an explanation for his actions. And an explanation back at Nick for Kevin's own actions.

Finally, his mind set up, he called for his inner strength as he knocked.

Nothing.

However now Nick wouldn't give up so easily. He knocked again.

Nothing.

"Damn," he cursed under his breath, his hand knocking loudly on the door again. Kevin was there; he knew that. After what had happened earlier that afternoon, he knew Kevin was there, probably just as nervous about this whole ordeal as Nick was.

Knocking yet another couple of times, Nick was close to loosing the little nerve he had called and just storming to his room to hide for the rest of his time in this earth. Still, despite the fear he felt in the pit of his stomach and crushing his chest, he knew he had to stay put. He had to talk with Kevin. Something in the back of his mind told him he just had to talk with Kevin.

"Kevin," he called out, his eyes darting from side to side. The last thing he wanted was running into someone on the hallway. "Kevin!"

Nothing. Only silence from the inside.

"Kevin, damn it! Open the door. I know you're there." Waiting barely a couple of seconds, hoping Kevin would open, Nick continued. "I'm gonna stay here until you open. We have to talk. You know that. We just have to talk about--"

Before Nick could even finish his sentence, there was a click inside, indicating the blond that the lock had actually been taken off. Wanting to feel some oxygen in his lungs, Nick breathed in deeply, fully knowing that later on he probably would have a lack of oxygen.

He opened the door slowly, taking his time, acquiring courage from oh so very deep inside his soul. He would need it. He needed it as he walked in, his chest suddenly freezing.

Looking into the living room area, blue eyes gazing from one side of the room to the other, Nick finally saw Kevin sitting by the table, papers in hand, pretending nothing was going on between them. However, any blind man would have realized that was anything but the truth. The tension was so tangible between the two so-called friends.

"Kevin..."

"I'm busy," Kevin said, his voice stern and cold at the same time, "you better leave."

Nick blinked as he stared at Kevin's back. "What?"

"I told you, I'm busy."

"Then why did you open?" The answer was obvious, Nick knew that, but he wanted Kevin himself to answer it.

Barely turning his head, green eyes meeting Nick's for a split of a second but enough for Nick to see that Kevin wasn't as confident as he appeared to be, Kevin turned around once again. "You were screaming at my door."

"I want to talk with you."

"We don't have anything to talk about."

"I don't think so." He took a couple of steps towards where Kevin was sitting, his conviction locked in its place. "I need to talk with you."

"I can't talk right now."

"You can talk and you will talk."

It was the stubbornness and self-assuredness behind Nick's voice that forced Kevin to turn around to glance at the blond. "I'm telling you--"

"No," Nick said forcefully, taking two steps and suddenly being barely a foot from Kevin's place, "you will not kick me out of your room before we've settle this."

"There's nothing to talk about, I told you." However Kevin's nervousness around the blond was obvious in his reaction as he stood up and walked over to the other side of the living room area.

"I don't think so. And I know you don't think so."

Kevin didn't say anything, just placed his palms flat against the wall, his whole weight resting on his hold on the same.

That, however, gave Nick the opening he needed.

"Why?"

It was a simple question, but the answer was anything but.

"Why did you send me that email? And don't try denying it. I know it was you. If it weren't, then you wouldn't be acting like this right now."

"I don't walk to talk about it." Kevin's voice didn't have the confidence he had portrayed only minutes ago. On the other hand, it sounded weak, low. Fearful.

"We have to. I don't want it affect our friendship."

Kevin snorted like a heartbreak. It was a painful sound. He laughed bitterly, his face contorted and somehow that frightened Nick to the core. He turned around; dark green eyes piercing into clear blue ones. "Affect our friendship? Affect our friendship?" He shook his head, irreverent and uncaring. "I'll be surprise if there is a friendship to salvage after this."

Nick stared at Kevin's cold eyes. Was this actually his friend? "It doesn't have to. I just want you to answer me something. I just want to know why. That's all."

Kevin shook his head. He was stubborn. He didn't want to talk and he just wouldn't talk. "That's not important."

"Of course it's important. I just..." He let out a sigh. "I just don't understand. I mean... You? You'd never do that."

Kevin let out a bitter laugh. "I'd never do that. Of course I'd never do that. I'd never write an email to you. I'd never send you such a thing, right? I would never do that. That's just not... me. The same way I'd never feel something for one of the guys. That doesn't become me either right?"

Letting his head hanging low, Nick could only focus his gaze on the carpet.

"Of course." Kevin added. "No one would think that of me."

They stayed quiet for a moment, neither of them knowing what to say next.

Except Kevin's mind was racing a mile per hour, the same way it had been from the moment he saw Nick's eyes glued to his own laptop, his email Inbox flashing on the screen. And he had known. Kevin had known what he had believed would ever stay as a secret had been revealed and there was nothing for him to do about it. And he had died. Something inside him had died the minute the masquerade had fallen and he felt bare in front of the blond.

"Why, you ask," Kevin continued, his voice low, hard, tense and short. "It's just..." He let out a sigh slowly, his eyes filling with tears, biting his lower lip. Everything inside him hurt. "I had to so something."

Kevin's voice was so much like a whisper Nick almost missed his words. He stayed quiet, knowing the older man wasn't finished.

He laughed sadly, his lips pressing against each other in a thin line shortly afterwards. "I know you're going to hate me for what I'm about to say, but I think I just have to."

Nick wanted to deny that. He would never hate Kevin, no matter what the older man told him. He would die first.

"Anyway, you asked, so I answer." He paused, trying to collect his thoughts as they run into each other inside his mind. He breathed out, the air chocking his throat, the pain audible. Time stretched as Kevin forced himself to say what he knew had been the real reason behind all this. "I had to do something."

Frowning, Nick tried to understand the meaning behind those five words and somehow he couldn't.

Kevin must have seen Nick's confusion written all over his face, as he chuckled. "You don't understand. I know. Why would you? You've never been placed where I was." He turned around slowly, his eyes focused on a point only he could see. "You've never had to see a child develop into a man in front of your eyes and suddenly realize you don't see him the same way. You've never had to face yourself with the undeniable reality that you are actually in love with him." He snorted. "You've never had to accept your love would die in your heart, as you'd never be able to pronounce it. You never had to see that man kiss someone else and die just a little bit more inside."

Kevin lifted his eyes to meet Nick's blue ones. "And I hope you never have to."

Nick was silenced by the pain in Kevin's eyes and hurt in his voice. Had he been so blind? Had he been such an idiot? He had, he saw that now.

"I had to do something," Kevin repeated after a moment. "I couldn't keep my arms crossed while you kissed girls with passion and I just stared at you." His eyes hurt and stung, but he didn't let the tears fall. Breathing in, his voice betrayed him as he chocked on the words. "I was dying there. I was dying while you fell in love right in front of my eyes and didn't really see me." He bit his lower lip harder, afraid he would make more of a fool of himself as he was at the moment by crying.

"So when I found that page..." He trailed off. His chest hurt now and his breathing was irregular. Kevin smiled a forced smile, a false happiness. "When I found it, I thought that was it. I thought that was exactly what I needed. I could do something, even if it was something as stupid as sending that email, but I could do it and you would never know it had been me." Lowering his gaze, he grimaced, shaking his head as he did so. "You weren't supposed to know."

Taking a breath in, his chest constricting, his eyes closing and his tears finally falling down his cheeks, Kevin repeated, "You weren't supposed to know."

Time stayed still as the two men let silence reign in the room.

Nick blinked slowly, trying to process everything he had just heard. Not even in his wildest dreams would he have been able to see everything behind that email. Kevin's pain, oh god, had been so real, so tangible he could almost touch it. It had pained him to see his friend that way. And it had been him. Only him. He would have never guessed; it was so surreal.

"Kev--"

Kevin shook his head, cutting him off. "No. Please. Whatever you have to tell me, I don't want to hear it, ok?" And he didn't. He had made a big mistake in sending that email, but an even bigger one in telling Nick the truth. "I don't want to hear it. I don't talk about it ever again. You've already found out what you wanted to know, so please leave."

Once again Nick stood with a lost of words. "What?"

"You heard me," Kevin's conviction came back to his voice as he regained his sternness. He took a breath, walking over to the other side of the room, finding security in his papers and files.

"No, Kev--"

"I don't want to hear it Nick, get it? I don't want to hear you say another word," Kevin threatened, his voice hard once again. "Leave."

"Don't," Nick pleaded. He had so much to talk with Kevin about. So much he wanted to know.

Kevin turned around once again, glaring at the blond who took a step back at what he saw in Kevin's dark green eyes. "Leave." Kevin's voice was so cold, it chilled Nick to the bone. "Now."

"Kev--"

"NOW!"

Nick gasped at Kevin's words, staring at the older man. It barely passed a second before Kevin turned around, picking up some of his files and focusing on them. Nick let out a sigh, knowing it'd be pointless for him to try and get something out of Kevin. He walked over to the door, stopping when his hand reached the doorknob. He turned around, hoping Kevin would just turn to look at him. But Nick's hopes died down when a minute passed and nothing happened. With a last sigh and heavy feet, Nick left the room, closing the door after him.

When the particular clicking of the door was heard, and only then, Kevin let his façade fall and his eyes moist again. The pain hadn't increase or decreased, it had only deepened. And his mind told him it wasn't going to get better, only worse.

*****

By the time Nick had reached his own room, his eyes were filled with tears as well. He left lost, alone in the darkness that seemed his realm at the moment. It was black everywhere he looked. It didn't have an end nor a beginning. It was just... black. Everything.

Without even realizing how he had gotten there, he sat down on his bed, his face in a frown.

Had it really changed as much as it felt like? Where things really different?

Of course they were. Kevin had just declared he had feelings for him.

But was that that different?

He didn't know. Probably. Maybe. It should be.

To his surprise, somehow it wasn't.

The way things had been talked was what hurt. That and knowing that Kevin had been in pain for so long and Nick had been too fucking blind to see it. And the fact that Kevin was right now in his own room probably beating himself up for sending that email.

But it shouldn't be like that. Kevin shouldn't feel like he did wrong. He just did what he felt was the best thing at the moment. Kevin shouldn't be in pain.

"He shouldn't," Nick whispered at the empty room.

And it was Nick's job to make it right.

Surprisingly enough, the answer was just in front of him. His eyes locked with his almost forgotten laptop on top of the table in his bedroom.

He knew how to make it right.

Standing up, he tried to think about this before he fucked up even more than he had already fucked up.

Was this what he actually wanted to do? Was he sure?

Nick didn't need much time to come to the conclusion that it was. He was sure. The more he thought about it, the more right it felt. Sitting down by the table, opening his laptop, he let small smile grace his features. It was what he needed. It was what Kevin needed. And it was at his hand. And it made him happy just thinking about it. No. It didn't make him happy. The only thought of it made Nick feel at home.

*****

Entering his room, Kevin let his door slam as he closed it. He was tired. More than that, he was dead on his feet. His head hurt and his eyes still stung. He knew the reason he was this tired wasn't really the show, but what show meant and that was having Nick three feet from him. He had been able to avoid him from the minute they left the hotel, leaving first saying he had some thing to check up on, until the very second the show started. Of course that meant going from one place to the other, pretending to so something he wasn't really doing, and having his make up even before the guys thought it was time to do it. That whole ordeal had been tiring indeed.

However, as much as Kevin had avoided him, they had to meet during the show. Not looking at Nick and practically running away from him whenever the blond walked closer to him had been exhausting in both his body and mind. He didn't know if he'd be able to continue doing it.

But he had to. If he wanted to stay in the band, he had to, even if it meant pretending Nick didn't existed until the group dissolved. Even if it meant hurting a little bit more every day.

He had lived with that for two years, he could do two more.

Still this time was different. This time Nick knew the truth and *that* made it more unbearable.

Kevin shook his head. He would think about it and torture himself over his stupid decision of sending that email later, right now he only wanted to crash on his bed.

Taking off his clothes and putting on this sweats to sleep, Kevin walked over to the bed, moving the gray comforter. However, before he could lay down, his mind, which never stopped working it seemed, reminded him he still had to send the emails to the executives at The Firm.

"Shit," he cursed under his breath. He could do that tomorrow. First thing in the morning. But he had promised to have it send tonight. "Shit," he said again, begrudgingly walking over to the table, sitting by his laptop. He turned it on, waiting for it to upload. He clicked on the icon and forced his eyes to stay open as he heard the distinctive sound of the connection with the phone line being made.

Opening his Inbox, he gave a quick glance at the addresses. To say his heart almost stop in the spot would have been the underestimation of the year. The moment he read CrushLink in the Sender's name, he felt his worse nightmare was still running.

It took him a moment to read the words carefully.

From : CrushMaster@CrushLink.com
Subject : CrushLink > You have a CrushLink!

Kevin blinked, his eyes gazing at the flat screen, trying to understand what the words meant. His curiosity taking the best of him, fearing he would later regret it, he clicked on the Subject. It didn't take long for the page to upload.

Kevin just stared at it.

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Dear Kevin,

Congratulations!

You have a CrushLink with Nick Carter. Time for you two to go on a date!

If you need any dating supplies, visit http://www.CrushLink.com/supplies.php3

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His eyes still glued on the screen, Kevin tried to process the information recently given. Had he misread? No, probably not, he was reading again. Was the addy wrong? He didn't think so; it was, after all, his email.