I open it in one movement and walk back to the garden chair I had been occupying barely five minutes ago.

It's always great to have a break in the middle of our always so hectic schedules. There comes a point where you think you're gonna burn out. Kevin tries his best to get a clearing before our tiredness gets to be too much. That's deeply appreciated.

The bottle it's cold against my reasonably warm hand as I take a sip. I look around.

This is what life is all about. Hanging out at Brian's backyard, a beer in my hand and nothing else for me to worry about.

Hearing something, I turn around to see what exactly it's going on.

Howie's at the grill, trying his best to handle cooking fifteen stakes with AJ kidding around. I chuckle. That boy can be a nut when he wants to. Howie glares at him, and then gets his attention back at the stakes. Poor Howie. Out of the five of us, he's the only one who can cook decently. Besides Kevin that is, but today we had hardly entered Brian's house when he announced he was going to relax by the pool.

Which is exactly what's he's doing.

My eyes travel from the grill with the two nutcases, above Leigh sitting, talking softly with Brian, over to Kevin standing in the water by the side of the pool while Kristin is sitting down, her legs barely touching the water.

From what I can see, Kevin is trying his best to convince Kris to enter the water, probably saying something along the lines of the water is just fine.

Kris keeps shaking her head, smiling all the time. With that bikini and from the way she was laying on her chair until just moments ago, I'm sure she only wants to tan. I kinda heard her and Leigh complaining about being far too white lately.

I stare at Kevin for a moment. His hair is damp from the swim he just had. His chest is shining with the droplets of water. He's got a smile on his face, making his green eyes even deeper than usual. His skin is dark, showing off his ever-present tan.

How can someone like him be in the room and not attract every single eye, his body calling out for the attention?

Don't walk too close, don't breathe so soft
Don't talk so sweet, don't sing

I take another sip of my beer.

He's gorgeous.

It's not like this is the first time I realize that. Not at all.

My eyes contemplating the muse I've got in front of me, I continue drinking my Corona.

I remember the first time I actually saw Kevin like it was yesterday.

I must have been around... fifteen. We were touring in Europe and my only mission in life back then was sing as good as I could and beat Brian at Nintendo every time I got the chance.

My life was so easy back then.

Don't lay oh so near
Please, don't let me fall in love with you again

Nevertheless, one day, while the five of us were playing basketball, everything seemed to change.

It was Brian, AJ and me against Howie and Kevin. The teams were divided that way accounting the fact that both Brian and I are good at it and that Kevin was far taller than either of us.

We were winning with a mayor difference when, while I had the ball, I dribbled over to the other basket but before I could even realize, I bumped onto something, sending me flying over to the pavement. Sitting down on the middle of the basketball court, I looked up just as Kevin dunked the ball very Jordan-like.

He turned around and started dancing this very weird victory dance.

It felt like I had died and been reborn that second.

Kevin was moving his arms in the air, grinning madly from ear to ear, his green eyes gazing back at me.

And I saw him. I really actually saw him.

I finish my Corona in one drink.

I'm not ashamed to accept that he was my very first crush.

Since then, every second I could, I'd look at him. I took upon my hobby to collect moments from the every day life and save them in my head.

Everything was important. The way he'd place all his focus on a book, the way he'd arrange his papers in files, how he'd close his eyes whenever he was playing the piano, his dazzling eyes when he smiles at one of us or even the warmth his hands seemed to give me every time he hugged me.

Everything was a priceless moment engraved in my memory.

I was young and impressive. He was everything in my world. How could I not have had a crush on him? It was more than just natural. The only four people continuous in my life were the guys. Brian was always and probably will always be my best friend. AJ was the guy you go to whenever you wanna break the law. That boy is far too knowledgeable in that area for anyone's sake. Howie will be there if you ever need someone to talk to and be there for you.

Kevin....

Kevin was something entirely different in my world.

He's the guy who knows what to drink if you're feeling ill. He'd stay by your bed all night long just to make sure the cloth on your forehead staid cold during a fever. He wouldn't think twice about spending two hours watching you and your best friend playing ball just because he didn't want you being on your own in a strange city. He was he one you'd go to for an advice.

He was the rock that actually held Backstreet together while the whole world seemed to be against us.

Please let me forget all those sweet smiles
All of the passion, all of the heat, the peace, the pain

Eventually I grew out of that crush.

I started dating girls my age because it was what AJ and Brian kept telling me. I kissed one on the ear before even having the guts to kiss her on the lips. I seriously dated a girl from back home for six months. Then, like I'm used to it now, she got tired of having a boyfriend who was never with her. I slept with a girl for the first time when I was seventeen. She was lovely. She had been hanging out with us because she was a friend's of Robin, a dear friend of AJ back then. One thing led to the other and I took her to my hotel room one night.

I never dated guys. Even now, I don't like guys. I've never found guys attractive while I'll most certainly drool on the table if I see a pretty girl on a bikini.

At twenty, watching Kevin getting married to Kristin, I assured myself that it had only been a crush.

Him getting married wasn't going to change our friendship. I knew that. I still called him when I wanted to talk about a song I was writing. I continued going to his place unannounced to have lunch just because I didn't want to cook. He didn't stop showing up at my door at ten at night with a bottle of pills just so I didn't spend the night sick alone at home.

Things were the same between us.

When we were recording, I'd rest my head on his shoulder because I wanted to take a small nap. He still slapped me upside my head whenever I was just resting my eyes in the middle of a meeting. He'd still yell at me for trying to drink more than just two beers being underage. I kept playing pranks on him.

All those blue skies where your words were my freedom
Please, don't let me fall in love with you again

I shake my head slightly.

Going back down the memory lane was never really healthy for me. It's like trying to remember a dream and the only thing you get with that is a headache.

My life while believing Kevin would turn around and see me was far more complicated than I recall. I was fifteen for God's sake! I was fifteen and having a crush with one of my best friend -- the very same best friend I worked 24/7 with -- wasn't easy to handle.

I stand up once again and leave the empty bottle of beer on a table I find on my way to the cooler. I pick up yet another beer and open it, taking a drink as I walk back to my chair. If I'm not careful, I'm gonna drink far too much to drive back to my place. This is my eighth beer after all.

Too many times I've cared too much
I stood on the edge and saw that you held my hand

I sit down on the chair heavily.

I'm twenty-one, in a four day break from a tour and I can't be getting all thoughtful just on my past.

That's so not right in so many levels.

Somehow, those moments when I'd looked at Kevin and have a smile plastered on my lips and my heart jumping up and down in my chest were more than just glorious.

In its very own style, it was heaven.

I don't remember caring for someone so much since then. I don't even remember caring for someone who actually felt right.

I've known him half my life, why wouldn't it feel right?

Why wouldn't it seem the very same thing I need and crave?

And knowing too well I couldn't hide from those eyes
Please, don't let me fall in love with you again

I drink half the bottle in one drink.

I respect him and I care for him. He's my friend above all. He's such a wonderful person.

I don't think I've ever felt so very save with anyone like I do with him.

He's got this aura around him that makes you feel loved and just raises your spirit to the skies. Even his uncanny ability to look at you and see right down to your soul. His usual clear green eyes darken and you can't seen anything but him. And in that very second, you feel like you're connecting with something deeper and more meaningful than you've ever imagined. Amazingly enough, he could be able to tell if you're lying. He'd would just know you.

He's always known me.

Don't let me fall in love with you again

If he ever asks me if I've cared deeper for him than just friendship, what can I answer?

I finish my bottle, lifting my eyes and looking at the pool.

Kevin is touching Kris' leg, smiling at her. He moves his other hand to her cheek, caressing her tenderly. She leans over and captures his mouth in a kiss.

As I look at you Kevin, I can still remember your green eyes every single time you've looked at me and I've hoped you would actually see me.

I sigh softly.

This isn't right.

This isn't going like it should.

This just shouldn't be happening.

This...

Oh god.

I look at you and take a deep breath.

Your green eyes keep haunting me, do you know that?

Six years ago, I had a crush on you. Do you know that?

I watched you get married and something in me broke.

Do you know that?

I close my eyes. Your green eyes are shinning in the darkness that surrounds me.

And do you know that, sitting here, closing my eyes but still seeing you, I hope I'm not falling in love with you again?