"You can't," Kevin muttered under his breath. He turned around once again, his emerald green eyes piercing right into Nick's sea blue ones. "You can't," Kevin said lowly, shaking his head.

"Kev--"

"No. You've got no right. How dare you?" Kevin closed the space between the two of them in two long strides, looking menacingly over to the blond. "How dare you?" Kevin repeated, poking his index finger on Nick's chest.

"I love you." Nick stated calmly. His eyes were brimming with tears but still not faltering.

"How can you tell me that? God!" Kevin turned around, sighing as he did so. He closed his eyes tightly, taking in a deep breath. How could he? "How selfish are you?" He said, turning around, his usual clear green eyes darken as he looked at Nick. Kevin paused, thinking his words carefully. "You knew, didn't you? You knew I wanted to ask Kristin to marry me and that's why you're telling me this now."

"I had to tell you," Nick said lowly, approaching the older man carefully. "I had to let you know. Of all people, you should understand."

Kevin flinched at the words. In part, he did understand. He knew the feeling oh so well. He could still remember the clenching of his chest, his heart quickening. He could still feel the need to do something, to tell. To stop lying. That feeling of something so big and deep is about to eat you alive. However, back then, it had been an entirely different story.

Kevin shook his head. The way he had been feeling, that desperate, that out of control, it was different than the petulant posture Nick held at the moment. Kevin's reactions, his pauses, his wondering had been there all along. The changes in him were something born of friendship. The ties of brotherhood just running deeper and more meaningful, blossoming into something new.

This time, Kevin couldn't help but read between the lines and see that Nick wasn't being entirely honest. If there was someone who knew Nick even better than Nick himself, was Kevin. And that knowledge was telling him that something was under this.

"When I told you, it was because it had been killing me. It had been too long since the last time I felt at ease with you. I had to tell you." Kevin sighed softly. "But you... this is not it Nick, and you know it. You knew everything about me, you knew how I felt and how to play it. And you liked it. You liked playing that sick game of seeing how much further you could push me to get me to blush, or look away." Kevin snorted, remembering every single word, every single look. "You liked that. You liked knowing I loved you no matter what."

Nick shook his head forcefully. "It wasn't like that. You know it."

Kevin snarled, a sound that actually hurt Nick physically. "Do I really? Do I?" Suddenly, Kevin was at Nick's face, his face consorted in anger. "Do I?"

Nick had to back away; he couldn't take it anymore.

Kevin laughed sarcastically. "You were playing Nick. I'm not stupid, you know? Yes, I loved you. Yes, I was head over heels in love with you, but I'm most certainly not stupid." He hadn't said anything, he hadn't complained, he hadn't done anything because, just like a teenager in love, any attention Nick would pay to him out of the normal, was enough for his heart to do flip-flops and hope there was more to it.

But there hadn't been anything else but a way to show his power over Kevin. And Kevin had known it. He just let it go. "It was fun for you."

"Kev--"

"You knew I loved you and you liked teasing me about it." He snorted again, biting his lower lip to keep the tears at bay. "You loved bringing a girl into the room and seeing me look away." Kevin closed his eyes shut. Why in the world was he telling him all of this, anyway? "You liked watching me blush whenever you'd wink at me. You liked making me nervous during the concerts. Don't act like you didn't. Do you actually think I didn't know why you would turn around in the middle of a concert and lick your lips while watching me? Do you think I'm that dense?" Kevin shook his head. He could feel his neck on fire, his anger rising a notch every second. "You loved it Nick, don't lie." Turning around, Kevin glared at him. "You loved it."

"It wasn't like that." Nick had been an idiot, yeah, but it wasn't like that. Not anymore. Maybe at some point. At the beginning, right after the words, but it changed. When Kevin talked with him, yes he had freaked. And yes, he had closed down a little on Kevin. Things just weren't the same, no matter how many times Brian told Nick that it was.

And maybe he had liked the attention. It was special. It made him feel... higher and better than the rest. It was... flattering.

And Nick probably did take advantage of it at some point during the course of the last two years. So what if he had asked Kevin to change the guys' schedule to fit his necessities? What if he actually enjoyed seeing how flushed Kevin could get just by Nick winking at him?

Yes, it had been fun.

But only at the beginning. He had liked having that power over the older man. Nick had just loved having so much power over someone who had made the call of almost every decision concerning his life for the last eight years.

It had been fun.

Only that now, it jus wasn't.

Not anymore.

"You're a lousy liar Nick." Kevin rubbed his eyebrow, closing his eyes as he did so. He was tired. He was tired of all this. "Two years," he muttered under his breath and Nick barely heard him. "Two years I was after you. Two years I loved you."

Nick didn't miss the past tense and he flinched.

Kevin shook his head. "I can't do this anymore."

"Kevin, please..."

"I can't."

"I love you."

Kevin stiffened, flinching at the words. How much power do three words held, indeed. "Leave."

Nick's eyes widen. He had to have misheard. He had to. Kevin couldn't... Kevin would never ask Nick something like that. Never, in the past two years -- and maybe even longer and the blond just didn't recall -- had Kevin asked him to leave the room. Nick knew Kevin enjoyed having his company. Why wouldn't he, if he was so very in loved with Nick as Kevin claimed to be?

"What?"

Kevin looked at him, green dark eyes locked with sea blue ones. Eyelids filled with tears, Kevin breathed out, "Leave." His teeth were chattering against each other, but he had to do it. He had to say it or he'd never get it out. "Get out."

"Kevin--"

"Get out."

"I love you."

Kevin turned around, green eyes filled with anger, his face consorted in frustration. "GET OUT!"

Nick gasped at the words and tone. Kevin didn't yell. He never yelled. Biting his upper lip, his own eyes filling with tears, Nick nodded. If that was what Kevin wanted. If that was...

He wanted to say anything. Nick wanted to tell Kevin something. That he did love Kevin. That it wasn't a lie, like Kevin was saying. That it was true. But he didn't. Somehow, he didn't say a word. Nick only turned around and left the room.

Hearing the door closing, Kevin let himself fall unceremoniously onto the bed. He kept shaking his head, trying to deny the words that kept ringing in his ears.

Nick had said it. Not only had he said it once but also he had actually repeated the words. He had even repeated them again and again, trying to convince Kevin. If Kevin hadn't actually believed his ears when he heard them at first, he had the opportunity to hear them again.

The tears Kevin had been trying not to shed started making their way down his cheeks.

Kevin shook his head.

Two fucking years.

He shook his head again, trying not to die inside. He let out a long sigh, trying to control his emotions and his thought, which were going a mile per hour.

He could remember clearly as day, when he had stood in front of Nick, looked at him straight in the eye and told him he had fallen in love with Nick.

Kevin could remember Nick's face, confusion mixed with surprise at first, but slowly changing to rejection. Nick's eyes had darkened and he had turned around, not looking at Kevin as he walked away. In that moment, no words needed, Kevin knew that was as far as things would go.

But hope dies last, and through those two years, he had hoped and wished.

At first, barely days after that conversation, Nick could barely stand being in the same room with him. Kevin wasn't stupid. Brian would make excuses for him, ask the blond to play basketball or some Nintendo, but it was just that, an excuse for Nick to get away from the room. Nick had closed up. He hadn't talked with Kevin for weeks. Hell, Nick would barely look at him.

Kevin sighed, running his fingers through his hair. Even now, so much time after that, it still hurt.

It was months before it changed. And then, when it seemed things were back to normal, it just got worse. Nick would look at him and Kevin would smile, his heart jumping. But there was a reason, a request after each smile. Nick needed the afternoon off, or wanted to close a restaurant for this or that girl.

And Kevin, being the stupid love fool he was, agreed. Each and every time. Nick would smile and Kevin would give him the world.

It was like that for two years. Winks here, breakfast on bed. A small smile, skip an interview. Or even worse. Liking lips, mischievous looks, sensual smiles. It was all a game. A game where Kevin's mortification was the price. The quicker it took for Kevin to look away or simply leave the room, the higher the score.

Kevin grimaced at the thoughts. That was all in the past, or so Kevin told himself. He had changed. He had decided that letting Nick play with him was over. He was twenty-nine. The least he could do was act like it.

And then, after his decision had been made, Nick comes here and does something like that.

It's a lie, Kevin told himself. It had to be. It just had to, because Kevin didn't have another chance at this.

You don't love me Nick. You love what you can't have. Kevin laughed sarcastically. And to believe he had been after the blond for two years. If planning on proposing to Kristin was what he had to do to have Nick, he could have done that a long time ago.

Burring his face in his hands, Kevin bit his lower lip. He was twenty-nine, doing what he loved the most. Kevin was at the top of the world and still, he was heart broken over something he had always known he could never have. And he cried. He cried for the loved he had and had now lost. Because now, after what he had done, he had actually lost Nick for good.

*****

Walking into his room with heavy feet, Nick closed the door. Usually, Nick would have gone over to his bed and laid down there, but somehow the space just seemed too long for him to be able to make it in one piece. Lying down on the couch, Nick closed his eyes.

It isn't like that, he told himself. It isn't, Kevin. I swear to god it isn't.

He had to accept that maybe the reasons why he came to realize that he loved Kevin weren't he most noble ones, but that didn't minimize Nick's feelings.

So Kevin was right about Nick knowing he was going to propose to Kristin. Yes, he had known before seeing how much he actually loved Kevin, but that wasn't the reason. Nick just hadn't been able to help it.

Brian had gone over to his room two days ago with the excuse of playing some Nintendo. Nick had seen from the beginning that Brian's intentions were not those, but hadn't said anything. It wasn't until later that afternoon that Brian had spoken about the subject that had let him into Nick's room.

"We're going over to Lexington," Brian had stated.

Nick had only nodded. He had guesses so much. They had a long weekend coming up. From Thursday to Sunday doing nothing. Nick had been sure that Brian and Kevin would use those days to go and visit their families.

Brian sighed. "He's going to do it, you know?" He had looked up and met Nick's eyes. "Ask Kristin. He's going to ask her to marry him this weekend."

To say that Nick had been surprise was the underestimation of the year. He had been dead stunned. Sure, Kevin had been dating Kristin rather seriously this past couple of months. And yeah, she was his best friend and they had been in this on/off thing for the past four or so years, but Nick had always thought it was more of a façade than anything. Probably just a way to keep the fans at bay and the interviews from asking why a twenty-nine year old wasn't committed.

Nick had even believed Kristin knew about Kevin's admission. She was his best friend after all. How could she not? Nick had even gone as far as to taunt Kevin in front of Kristin. Nothing mayor, it was never anything mayor, just a wink or a particular smile. He knew better now.

Brian had shrugged at Nick's confusion. "I'm thinking the same thing you're thinking, if it's of any consolation. I don't know how he can marry her if he says he... well..." Brian had shrugged again. It wasn't that Brian had a problem with his cousin loving his best friend. He only had a problem with it when it came down to the fact that Nick didn't actually return those feelings. It killed him knowing that Kevin was never going to be happy without the blond. And, if the last two years were of any indication, Brian was almost sure that Kevin's feelings weren't going to dissipate with time.

"I..." Suddenly, Nick's throat had felt dry. "Over the weekend?"

Fidgeting on his lap, Brian had nodded. "Yeah. He told me he was planning on doing it this weekend. She's going to meet him in Lexington and they'll spend the weekend together. He wants to do it then." Brian had sighed again. "I had to tell you. I don't know why, but I felt like I had to tell you." Looking up, Brian had seemed rather lost. "He deserves it, you know? He deserves to be happy if he'll be happy with her."

Nick had swallowed. That was rather low. Especially for Brian. It wasn't his fault that he didn't love Kevin the way he loved Nick. "Yeah. I know." He had paused. "Is he happy with her?" Somehow, that question had seemed rather important and vital in that moment.

Shrugging, Brian answered. "I don't know. He's been smiling a lot lately. I think that's her doing. I really don't know." He had shrugged again. "If he wants to marry her, then he must be happy, don't you think?"

Nick had only lifted his eyebrows, smiling slightly. Brian's answer hadn't convinced Nick.

And that was why he had spent the last two days trying to figure out why in the world he suddenly felt lost. It had taken him two days of hindsight to come to the conclusion that, at some point in between the confession and this moment, Nick had finally reached for him mid way.

It had been the influence of the knowledge that Kevin was about to propose to Kristin that had forced Nick to analyze his feelings, but that didn't mean Nick didn't love him just the same.

It didn't.

And now I've lost him, Nick thought sourly, closing his eyes shut. He didn't let himself give in to the necessity to cry. He wouldn't. He was an idiot. He had more than enough time to figure out his own feelings, but only he would do it with not even seconds to spare.

Nick shook his head. Timing was so screwed up. If he had done it before... if he had analyzed this before... Biting his lower lip, Nick had to be careful just how much he bit, not wanting to draw blood.

"Fuck," Nick muttered under his breath. He clenched his hand tightly, his nails pressing against his palm, hurting slightly.

He deserved to hurt. He deserved to feel as angry and hurt as he felt.

He had fucked things up because he had been too proud of his position, of his power over Kevin to look a notch beside it and see himself looking at Kevin with different eyes.

He had had the time to discover his own changing attitude towards Kevin instead of taunting him with every girl that would pass his way.

And now, it was too late.

He loved me two years; he can't not love me anymore. Not when I love him. Not now.

And Nick was right. It was just too late.

*****

Swirling the glass, Nick tried to focus on the amber liquid. Taking a glance at the full glass for barely a second, he drank it in one shot. He grimaced as the heat consumed his throat and stomach.

Nick picked up the bottle of scotch that was standing on the table by the side of the couch. Pouring himself another glass, he bit his lower lip. JD seemed to be his only friend today and he wasn't about to complain about it.

It was Saturday and the blond knew perfectly fine what that meant. He was more than sure that by now Kevin had already asked Kristin to marry him. Hell, they had probably even set a date.

Biting back the hatred and frustration he felt at the moment, his chest constricting, his jaw tightening, Nick took a long sip of the liquid.

They said habit tends to creep up on you. Nick could be the living proof of that. Two days doing the same thing, over and over again. Minutes had seemed like hours and Thursday and Friday had appeared endless.

He could still hear Kevin's voice, his green eyes darkening as Nick pronounced the words. He had known Kevin wouldn't be jumping on one foot the moment he heard it, but he hadn't been expecting the older man lashing out at him. Nick shorted. Kevin had every right to do what he did. Nick would never blame him. He deserved it. It hurt like hell, but Nick deserved it.

Remembering once again that soon enough Kristin Willits would be Mrs. Kevin Richardson made his eyes sting, his vision blurring. He wasn't a girl who could cry for his beloved like a Shakespeare novel. He was a guy. And guys drink when they get stood up. Guys get plastered and don't remember what they did for the past week. Guys do that.

And that was exactly what he was doing.

Nick raised his glass, his eyes loosing focus slowly. That didn't mean his eyes would follow his male instincts and not tear up.

"This one goes to you Kevin," he said sourly, a sarcastic laugh coming out of his lips, reminding himself of a bad scene on a lousy movie.

Nick swallowed thickly, his lower lip trembling. His throat was burning and his head hurt like hell. He still had nail marks on his own palm from all the times he had closed his fist just a little too tight. His right hand had a bruise on the back of it, from when he threw a vase against a wall and his hand came clashing onto the dinner table. His shins burned from all the times he had tumbled onto the center table or the chairs.

It didn't matter now. It was just pain, and pain over bruises was always better than pain over something he just didn't have.

"I lost you," Nick said softly, his lips pressing into a thin line. "I never really had you, but still, I lost you. You were at my hand's reach, but I never had you."

Nick sighed, blinking slightly. "I wish I'd have you." He paused, tilting his head, his eyes looking at the glass but not looking at the same time. "I did love you. I just didn't see it. "

He let out a long breath. "I lost you."

With that, Nick drank his glass in one shot. He stared at the empty glass for a second before placing it on top of the table with heavy hand. His head was swimming and it seemed like it was going to implode.

He closed his eyes slowly.

His head was hurting.

He took a deep breath and, a minute after, his rhythm steadied into an dreamless sleep.

*****

There was wind. His muscles hurt. His whole body hurt.

"Damn."

He was being touched. He could feel hands in his body. Picking him up.

"Could you at least cooperate with me?"

That voice. He had heard that voice before. Where? He couldn't remember. His mind was too foggy to remember.

"Damn it. Wake up so I can yell at you."

Yeah. He could remember that voice somewhere in his past. Saying very similar lines. Threatening to chew him up and spit him out. Accusing him of indiscipline. Yelling at lateness. Demanding attention. Struggling to teach correction. Confessing secrets. Pleading for forgiveness. Sighing softly.

He could feel his weight being lifted in strong arms. His arms.

He was being dragged. There was movement. Where? He didn't want to know. He wanted to get back to sleep. He wanted to go back to darkness. Darkness was good. Darkness was welcome. In darkness, he didn't have to worry about looses or inactions. He didn't have to worry about not having done it on time.

"I hate you, you know?"

Was that a question? Did he expect an answer? That would have been too much for Nick. His mind was made pudding at the moment.

"Sometimes it feels like you did this on purpose. To spite me."

Nothing Nick had done in the past days had been in purpose. Maybe if he had enough strength, he'd tell the person handling him like a sac of potatoes.

The movement stopped and he felt his stomach complaining about the movement in the first place. He was being seated somewhere. He wanted to open his eyelids, but it'd be too much effort.

There was a thud and he wondered what had fallen.

There was a sigh.

Another thud and suddenly, he felt wind in his feet. He felt his arms being raised and he remembered this happening before. When he was only a boy. He had been sick once and something very similar to this had occurred.

He felt the shirt leaving his chest. Then more wind in his legs, his pants probably gone.

"You're not going to help me, are you? You aren't even going to open your eyes."

He didn't know how to answer that.

There was a sound in the back, a sound he too recognized. Water? Yeah, water falling in cascades. Where was he at the moment?

"I hope this wakes you up Nick."

And then, again, he was being lifted in strong arms and the water was falling on his head.

Nick yelped, opening his eyes at once, but closing them again after a second.

"Stay there! Don't move."

He couldn't listen to that voice. His arms started going everywhere, trying to break free. He fought, but those arms were stronger than his. They had always been stronger than his.

"Calm down. Just breathe Nick. Breath and try to calm down."

He relaxed in those arms, water all over his body. It was cold. Colder than he'd like, but it was relaxing his muscles and that was always good. He leaned against a hard chest and placed his cheek flat against the sound of a beeping heart. It soothed him in more ways than one.

"That's it, just breath."

There was a hand in his hair, caressing his face. Another sigh.

"Just breath."

And Nick did just that. When he fell asleep this time, he was at ease.

*****

Nick woke up, his head hurting but being bearable enough as to open his eyes.

He was in his room. In his bed, under the covers.

Nick fell against the bed, sighing softly.

What had happened?

He wasn't in the clothes he had been earlier, while drinking, he knew that much. He lifted the covers to assess to that and the facts agreed with him. Actually, he wasn't in any clothes at all. Just boxers. Where those the boxers he had been wearing? He couldn't know. He hadn't been sober enough as to remember the color of the boxers he had picked.

He shook his head, a wrong movement for someone who had been drinking a good portion of the last two days. He sighed again.

With his hand in his head, Nick stood up slowing. He was thirsty all of a sudden and with an urge to go to the bathroom.

Nick walked over to the bathroom still only clad in boxers, head in hand. He found his clothes shed on the floor by the shower and sighed. After finishing his business, he placed his hands on either side of the banister, looking at his reflection on the mirror. Alex would have said he looked like shit and he would have been short. He closed his eyes. He didn't want to see. He opened the cabinet door and looked inside. He was lucky, there was Tylenol. He took two pills out and swallowed them with tap water, drinking a mouthful afterwards. He'd worry about health another time.

He walked out of his room, looked at the hallway and staggered down the stairs. He wished he'd had a cigarette and wondered if that was the best way to go. His mouth still lingering to the feeling of cotton.

When he reached the kitchen, the wind entering through the opened French doors leading to the back yard made him turn around.

There, standing in the middle of the grass, looking at the pool and even beyond, stood Kevin.

Nick sighed again, running his fingers through his obviously disheveled hair. It was late in the afternoon, that much he could see by the almost setting sun.

That was the voice he had recognized but couldn't pin point. It had been Kevin. Nick sighed again. He couldn't do anything but.

He walked out to the yard, his feet warm against the cold grass.

Kevin probably heard Nick's steps, but didn't turn around nor did he acknowledge the blond.

He walked a couple of steps, finally standing by Kevin's side, if a couple feet away.

They didn't say anything and, not knowing why, Nick felt guilty. He would have apologized, if he had known why he was apologizing for.

They stayed there, neither saying anything nor even letting in the other's presence. They just stood as the sun set and darkness came around slowly over the grass.

Suddenly, surprising Nick, Kevin turned around and walked to the kitchen.

Nick followed. He couldn't do anything else.

Kevin opened the fridge door just as Nick reached the threshold.

"You don't have anything here. I don't know how you can live like that."

Nick shrugged, knowing Kevin would know he had. "I haven't gotten to the supermarket yet." He felt like the one at fault here.

Kevin shook his head. "I'll make something light." He got a couple of eggs out.

Nick stared at Kevin's back as he walked to the kitchen island. Kevin wasn't saying anything, but the knot on his neck let Nick know he was more than just tense.

"What are you doing here?"

The question surprised both Kevin and Nick, but Nick knew he had to ask.

Kevin didn't say anything for a couple of seconds as he got a pan and poured oil in it. "Brian called me." His voice was flat, devoid of all emotion and that stunned Nick.

Nick nodded, sighing softly. Kevin lit the burner.

"What did he say?"

Kevin paused, breaking the eggs with only one hand. Nick had never been able to do that. "He said he had been calling you. Couldn't get in touch with you. He got worried."

"And he called you?"

Kevin nodded, picking up a spatula, meshing the eggs. Scrambled eggs. Nick liked scrambled eggs. "He wanted to check up on you. I told him I could do it."

Nick snorted in self-deprecation. "He shouldn't have called you. Wouldn't want to intrude on your romantic weekend."

"He didn't."

Nick thought otherwise, but didn't voice it. Brian knew Kevin would propose, and still, he had called him. Nick didn't understand why.

"Then I guess Kristin didn't mind you coming all the way up from Kentucky to check up on your irresponsible friend." He paused as Kevin tensed even more, the spatula staying in mid air in his hand. It only lasted a split of a second before Kevin resumed his cooking, but it was enough. "Or did she? Did she complain? Did she say anything?"

Kevin shook his head, getting the pan out of the burner and placing it on another not lit one. "She didn't say anything."

Nick shorted. "Well, isn't she great? You'll have an understand wife then."

Kevin lifted his arms, opening the cupboards above the stove, getting out the bread. Kevin had always known where everything was in this house. The statement seemed to be left unanswered as he got a plate and placed the eggs there, putting it in front of Nick.

He picked the frying pan once again, placing it on the burner. He placed the slices of bread on the pan. Nick sighed. Kevin knew he liked scrambled eggs with bread fried on the left over of the eggs. Just enough for the bread to taste like eggs.

"She didn't say anything," Kevin said after a moment, pressing the spatula against the bread slightly, "because she wasn't there."

"What?" The question came out quickly, his voice almost cracking, but Kevin's statement had surprised him.

Kevin turned off the burner and picked the bread with the spatula, placing it on the plate by the side of the eggs. He sighed. "I didn't propose." He hadn't wanted to say that, but found himself unable to do otherwise.

Placing the frying pan on the sink, he let some water flow, filling the pan. It would be easier to wash later. He sighed again, his hands on the sides of the sink, leaning against it heavily. "She didn't go with me."

Nick blinked, stunned.

Kevin sighed again. "She didn't go to Lexington with me. I called the trip off."

They didn't say anything; Nick just sat there, his eyes on Kevin's turned back and lowered head.

"Eat," Kevin said after a moment. "You've been drinking for the past day and I'm sure you've been doing it on empty stomach."

It had actually been two days, but Nick didn't want to elaborate. He leaned over, getting a fork from the draining board, and ate some eggs, biting at the corners of the bread.

Kevin turned around, opened the fridge again and got a bottle of water out. He drank half of it in a gulp.

"You want some?" Nick asked, his fork pointing at his food.

Kevin thought about it for a second, then shook his head. "Maybe later."

Nick nodded, eating silently, his eyes focused on his eggs. Kevin hadn't proposed. Kristin hadn't even traveled with him. He felt Kevin's eyes on his head and forced himself not to lift his eyes.

"Why did you come?" The question had been haunting him for the past minutes, not really understanding Kevin's behavior at all. From their last encounter, it seemed like Kevin hated him.

He heard Kevin sigh as he lifted his eyes. Kevin lowered his to the floor, placing the bottle of water on the counter.

"Brian called."

"That's not enough." And it wasn't. He needed more. Nick needed to know the truth.

Kevin lifted his eyes and locked them with Nick's. "You needed me. You were hurt," Kevin snorted, "or at least I thought you were." He sighed. "I had to come," he said softly.

Nick nodded. That was enough.

They staid in silence. It seemed that lately, all they could was be in silence.

"I love you," Nick said softly, lifting his eyes to Kevin's once again, a sad smile on his lips. He probably shouldn't have said it, but he had to.

Kevin's lips turned into a thin line, and Nick could see Kevin's biting his lower lip to stop it from quivering. "Don't say that."

"It's true."

"You don't mean it."

"I do." Nick sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "I do. I know the timing sucks and right now things are really screwed up, but I do. I love you."

Nick didn't care about how it looked, him in only boxers, sitting in the kitchen eating eggs at night, nor did he care that he had probably screwed up his only shot at something with Kevin back at the hotel. He could only remember Kevin's words on his room, the pain in his chest.

He had being wrong, in many things, but for a quirk of fate, Kevin hadn't proposed. Nick hadn't lost him. Not yet. He was humbled by it and he wasn't going to let this surprising second chance go to waste.

Kevin shook his head again. "You had two years Nick. Two whole years and you choose now to say this?"

Nick chuckled ironically and his chest hurt even more. He knew Kevin didn't believe him. "I know my timing is really poor--"

"It is."

"-- but that doesn't mean I'm not being honest. I'm an idiot, I know that. I'm an idiot for saying the things I said, and doing everything I did to you." And he was. He could still remember Kevin's reddish cheeks whenever Nick would make a double meaning comment, or walk in the room and stare at Kevin. It had been mean. It had been awful. He had been awful. He had close to used his oldest friend just for the fun of it. But it was over now.

"But that has nothing to do with this," he continued. "I was wrong. At what I did and what I said." He sighed. "Even at what I felt. But I am right now."

"How do you know that?" Kevin turned around, green eyes blazing and Nick wanted to take a step back. "You've been saying things over and over again for the past two years. You enjoyed having me at your hand. How do I know this isn't just the continuance of it?"

"It isn't!"

"Prove it!" Kevin's tone had reached a higher note and Nick wanted screamed. He deserved this. He deserved all of it for every time he had played with his heart and mind.

Nick sighed, his heart crumbling just a little bit more. Kevin was right. He had enjoyed having Kevin's heart at his hand. How could he show he was true at the moment? "I can't."

Kevin didn't say anything, just run his fingers through his hair.

"I'm sorry," Nick whispered roughly, looking down at his plate. Even with everything going on, Kevin had made him dinner and what he liked the most. He had really screwed up. "I'm sorry."

Kevin tilted his head, looking at the floor. He didn't want to talk. He didn't even want to be here. So why had he come? Because Brian had called him fearing something had happened to Nick. And his heart had ruled out logic, and the thought of something happening to Nick had forced him out of Lexington in the first plane out and into Nick's home in the middle of the afternoon.

Kevin sighed. He had walked in, found Nick sprouted against the couch, an almost empty bottle of scotch on the nearby table and a glass by it. His heart had crushed, done a summersault and finally soared. It didn't matter what Nick had done or said, he would always go out of his way to make everything better for the blonde. Maybe that was love was all about. Putting the other's feelings over yourself. Even after everything that had happened.

Lifting his head to the ceiling, he sighed. He couldn't go on with this. He wanted to believe Nick. He wanted to accept the fact that Nick had actually fallen in love with him in this past two years, even after the things that had been done. But it was so hard...

"Sometimes I don't know why I told you," Kevin said out of the blue. "It seemed like I just had to." His eyes lowered again and locked at the floor. "Then you..." He sighed. And Nick cringed. He deserved every bit of it, he wouldn't complain.

"Your timing is poor," Kevin repeated, shaking his head slightly. "I don't know if I can believe what you said."

Nick nodded, accepting this. He knew he would probably never come to terms with it, but he didn't have much choice. He had screwed up. He had even lost his second chance.

"So," Kevin continued, much Nick's and his own surprise, "I need only one word. One word Nick. Nothing else. Think hard, because I won't ask this ever again. Think and decide." Kevin let out a long breath and Nick held his in expectation. "Is it true?"

Nick didn't understand the question for a moment, until his brain decided to catch up with his speech and a small smile made its way towards Nick's lips. Maybe he hadn't blown his second chance. Or he was being given yet another one. He nodded. "Yeah."

Kevin nodded, his eyes clearing and all anger leaving his almost relaxing shoulders. He didn't smile, not yet, but Nick knew he would.

They didn't say anything, just looked at each other and breathed each other essence. They didn't need anything else.

And a moment later Kevin smiled and Nick's grin deepened. Kevin was right. One word was enough.