"Lets go!"

I barely hear Eric through the amount of noise in the room. A slap on my shoulder makes me look up from under the towel. I come to meet Brian's blue eyes, a towel on his head and a bottle of water in his hands.

"Come on! We gotta get going!"

Half understanding, I nod. I trot over to the couch, pick up my gym bag, then follow the guys out of the room. We barely say two words, and I think the only one who said anything was Kevin talking to one of the security guards, and get inside the van. I take a seat and don't care for anything else except my comfy bed -- even if it's not my own bed -- and a bath coz, really, I'm stinking.

AJ and Howie, and probably Brian too, are talking in the back. Kevin, I think, is talking with the driver. Good, silence for me.

Soon enough, at least this time, we arrive to the hotel. I sigh softly. I'm really in no mood whatsoever to sign some autographs. I just want my bed!

"Guys?"

Kevin doesn't even have to finish the question for us to know what he wants. I don't wanna say anything. Let them decide. I'm fine with whatever they come up with. Ok, so maybe not totally fine, but I'm not gonna oppose either.

"Fuck, no. I'm dead."

AJ is right. We had a tv interview at seven, for which we had to get up at five. FIVE! That's just way too early for anyone. Hell, even the birds were asleep and Kevin himself looked like someone had run a truck over him. We stayed there until... what? Eight, probably nine. Then we had another interview with a magazine and a photo shoot. Lunch. A record signing that let me hoping I never have to see my name again and then, if that wasn't enough, practice and the concert. Fuck, I'm dead.

"Kev, tomorrow, ok?"

I wanna agree with Howie. I really do. But I'm just too tired to think. Let alone speak. Brian doesn't say anything, but I could bet my Nintendo collection that he's nodding.

"Nick?"

I look up from my towel, my eyes closing slowly, and barely nod. I hear Kevin chuckling. I'd say something to my defense, something totally clever and leave him wanting to smack me, if only I had the strength.

Tomorrow, I tell myself. Tomorrow I'll get him back for this.

"Ok, just run for the lobby. We'll sign tomorrow."

Yeah, yeah, tomorrow. Even though tomorrow sounds way too close for my liking, at least by that time I'll have seven more hours of sleep on me. Hell, I'll sign ten more minutes tomorrow if we go in now!

I take the towel of my head, and only because I'll get kill in the way if I keep it there, and look at the door. Kevin goes out first, then Brian, I follow and I'm sure AJ and Howie are behind me. Less than a minute later we're in the lobby and I can still hear the screaming of the girls. I only hope I'm too dead to hear it all the way up to my room. Don't get me wrong, I love our fans. But at times like this, when the only thing that has me standing is the simple promise of my bed in less than ten minutes, I just don't wanna sign autographs. As promised, the guys and I will sign tomorrow, just not now -- not after the day we've had.

We walk, like zombies I beg your pardon, to the elevator. I take the left wall as my own and lean against it. Nobody says anything, way too tired to even think about talking. The bell rings and we walk down the hallway.

There is an echo of "Goodnight!" from the guys and I think I mumbled something along those lines as well. I open my door, enter the suite, and let the towel fall to the floor. My feet take me to the bedroom unconsciously. I stay there, looking between my bed and the bathroom for a moment.

"Crap!" I hiss as I walk to the bathroom. I'm too sweaty to be able to get more than a couple of minutes of sleep in a row.

I bath and put on some clean flannel bottoms before crawling into bed. I don't think of anything. I don't see anything -- I didn't even bother turning on the lights when I came in the room. I just... sleep.

*****

I wake up with a start. I can feel my heart thumping in my chest, my pulse way too fast. It seems like I've been running forever. My fingers move to my hairline and there's sweat there. I sigh softly, trying to calm myself down.

What the hell did I dream about to be this affected?

I sigh again. I have no fucking idea. I don't remember anything about my dream -- not that I always remember more than a couple of things, but still. I don't remember what it was that scared me so much. I don't know what's gotten me this frightened, but I do remember something...

I love you.

That! That's what I remember! I don't remember anything of the dream besides this voice in the back of my head saying that. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I've got a fuzzy feeling in me. I feel like I'm being comforted. I feel like I'm being held to someone's chest. I feel loved. I smile brightly, not really being able to do anything but that. I'm smiling more heartfelt than ever in my life.

I love you.

I hear it again. And again. And again in my mind, the feeling of tenderness and just... giddiness still around me. Who--?, I start asking myself, but stop before I even finish. That's all I remember and all I really wanna remember. I don't want to think further down my dream after the small revelation I've just had. I sigh softly, closing my eyes and hiding my face in my hands.

Oh Fuck! I recognize the voice. I really don't want to. I really don't. For a moment, for a split of a millisecond, I really didn't know who had said that. But before the question could even come to my mind, before I could ask it, I had know.

Kevin's voice?!, I ask myself, why would I hear Kevin saying 'I love you'?

I shake my head slightly, rather slowly too.

Maybe... maybe my dream was so horrible that I needed Kevin to help me. I mean, this wouldn't be the first time I had gone to Kevin for a nightmare. If my memory serves me right, when I was younger -- a lot younger at that -- I used to bug the hell out of him. I'd go when I had a nightmare or was homesick. I'd even go when there were thunders. So, maybe this was the same thing. Maybe in my dream, I was having a nightmare and went to Kevin and he said it to calm me down...

Still, I don't quite believe it. I just know it's not because of that. I run my fingers through my hair, trying my best to calm down. I don't want to think about it. It's late, I'm tired and I don't want to think about it. However, before I can even stop myself, I try to remember those words again in the back of my mind.

I love you.

I hear them like they are being spoken in this moment. I hear them like they are being whispered in my hear. And once again I feel comforted and guarded. I feel at ease and calm. I feel cared for. I feel loved. Maybe in other circumstances that wouldn't have scare me, or worry me, but these are not those circumstances. This are... this are very strange circumstances.

My mind is going 150 mph. I don't know exactly what to think or believe. I don't wanna analyze it. I don't wanna think about it...

You're afraid.

That voice is different. That's not Kevin's voice -- at least that's something. That's that stupid voice I hear arguing with me in the back of my mind. I don't wanna hear it either!

You're afraid of thinking about it.

The fuck I'm afraid! I yell back. I just heard Kevin in my head! If that's not going wacko, then I sure as hell don't know what is.

I can almost hear a chuckle from my mind and I'm this close to being crazier than AJ -- and that's saying a lot!

Not your mind duffus. Your conscience. Or the ever practical-logical side of your brain. Whatever you prefer.

Ok, now it's proven. I'm nuts.

No, you're not. You just never let yourself hear what the other side of your reasoning had to say. That was your mistake all along.

So... I'm not really nuts?

No, not really. Maybe later down the road, but not as this moment.

I sigh in relieve, but then I realize that what it said could mean that I might go crazy when I get older. I shake it off quickly. I've got enough things to think as it is now, no need to worry about stuff that might not happen in a couple of years.

That's the spirit!

I wanna glare at it, but it's not something I can glare at.

Ok, you know what? We're detouring from the point here.

Yeah, yeah, I know that. But I really don't wanna think about it.

We're back to square one, if you realize. You're scared. That's all.

Yeah, well, I still don't know if you're sure. I know I'm not scared of Kevin. If anything, he's the last person I could be scared of. I mean, he's been my friend of the past eight years. He was the only one who would put up with my whining and pouting. He practically raised me.

Yeah, that too. But that's not the why. You're scared of what you heard. You're scared of what it made you feel.

No, not really either. I mean, he's made me feel that comforted and save before. Whenever he hugs me when I'm afraid -- even if I haven't been afraid enough to need him to hug me in some time now --, I feel like that. I feel...

Loved?

No! Save. He's done that. He's done that lots of times already. This is no different. He's told me he loves me lots of times as well. Whenever I'm sick he stays the night with me and gives me soup and all those things he's gotta give me. He usually runs his fingers through my hair and says he loves me.

Oh, there's where you're wrong.

What ya mean?

This is different. This is a lot different. You know that too. You know it in the very back of your mind and that's what scares you. It scares you knowing that what he said -- how he said it -- was different than those times he said it when you were sick.

I shake my head rather quick. My hair, still a little bit damp from the sweat, falling to my eyes. This is not different. I mean, this can't be different. Kevin is still my friend. I know he loves me. I know he cares for me...

You're not getting it!

I can almost hear her sigh in frustration -- very Kevin-like.

It's not the fact that he doesn't love you. He does love you. He's been your friend for the past eight years, of course he loves you. But that's not the point! The point is how much he loves you... how he loves you.

I stop myself from rubbing my eyebrow in confusion just before doing it. I think I wanna understand, I feel like I wanna understand, but I really don't know if it's the best. I stop myself from thinking about it before even starting.

Gosh, you're paradoxical.

Para-- what?

Paradoxical. It's when two things contradict each other. But that's not what we're talking about here. You gotta let yourself hear what you think. As in really hear?

I nod slowly. I sigh softly, slightly afraid. So... I got to hear, right? Then at least I gotta try.

I close my eyes, silence around me calling my attention. It was dead quite and somehow that helps. I breath in and out slowly, my heart already back to its usually rate.

And, once again, I hear Kevin's voice in the very back of my mind.

I love you.

I hear it loud and clear, like he's -- in reality -- sitting by my side whispering in my ear. I feel fuzzy and tingly all over. This comfy cloud seems to engulf me in tenderness and love.

I love you.

I hear it again, like an echo in my soul. I always knew Kevin had that effect on me, that really calming effect, but not at this rate. Not this much and this quick. Kevin is the parent of the group. He's the one we go to whenever something is wrong. He's the one that can tell us everything will be fine. He's the one we go to when we're scared.

It's just... natural in him to protect us. To care for us.

How he runs his fingers through my hair when I'm feeling sick. How he used to sing songs to make me sleep when I started having insomnia. How he'd let me sleep in his bed when I was scared, holding me tightly to his chest. How he hugs me whenever he thinks I need it. How he lets me sleep on his lap if we're in the bus. How he plays this different accords on his keyboard to me, and only to me, when I'm almost asleep in the couch in his room. How I find his eyes to look at when I feel afraid in an interview. How he smiles when I laugh at something Brian said. How young he looks when he's asleep on his bunk. How lovely it is when he wrinkles his nose. How tender he looks at me when we talk. How beautiful he looks when he's laughing at something...

Whoa! Where did that come from?, I ask myself in a start. Lovely? Tender? Beautiful? Why would I think such things about Kevin?

That's something only you can answer, that other part of my mind murmurs it.

I sigh softly and lay down on my bed once again. Suddenly, I'm really tired. I pull the covers all the way up, hiding underneath them. I don't even wanna take a peak.

I sigh again. I'm tired and I don't wanna think.

I love you.

However, my mind seemed to have other plans since I didn't even need to think about it for the conclusion to come tumbling all the way till the front of my mind.

My heart stops dead in its beating. My breath is caught in my throat. My eyes seem to almost pop out of its sockets.

Love? Real real love?

As in... being in love?

Yes, that exactly, the voice adds its own two cents.

I barely need to think about Kevin's voice before hearing

I love you.

once again. That voice is right. You can hear real love in his tone. Love and so many emotions that make me feel save, held, cared for, comforted. Everything at once. And it makes me smile.

So maybe the reason I thought about him as tender and beautiful is because that's how I see him. That's how I really feel. I accept it is slightly strange, maybe even odd, that I feel this for someone I've been almost living with for the past eight years. But, then again, who better for me to love than one of the closest people in my life, a friend I know will be by my side no matter what?

What if it's not what people expect of me? That doesn't mean it's wrong. That doesn't mean I should stop or try to change. It happened. Period. It happened and I shouldn't try to fight it.

I know I'm young and probably I'm not even seeing the bigger picture -- that's one of Kevin's words that I'm borrowing --, but I shouldn't worry about it either. Caring for someone is difficult enough in the industry we're in, let alone caring for someone you know cares for you. Maybe not in the same sense, but close enough. And I know Kevin would never do something to hurt me or disappoint me.

I smile again, biting my lower lip more out of habit -- or trying not to smile as much as I'm smiling at the moment --, than anything else and close my eyes very slowly.

My mind finally seems at peace -- quiet. My heart beats steadily.

I sigh softly.

Maybe I am in love.

*****

I sigh softly, half frustrated, half just annoyed. I'm feeling thirsty all of a sudden. I stand up from my bunk, the Discman I was listening to clasp tightly in my grip, and walk over to the kitchenette. Kevin is sitting on one of the couches, a book in hand, his mind totally devoted to it.

I try my best not to stare, not really wanting him to look up at me and find me looking at him. I open the fridge and get out a bottle of Grape Gatorade. I walk over to the couch on the other side of the bus, sitting right across from him. I place the Discman on my lap before sighing again.

I really haven't let myself think about my latest discovery the last two days since it happened. Not really because I didn't have the time, but because I just wanted to cool off before thinking about it. I wanted to be able to think rationality, not to take it as a silly crush.

I rip away the plastic from the bottle, unscrew the top of the bottle and tear away the small plastic paper from it's top. Screwing again the top, I take a sip.

My eyes land on Kevin's features. His hair is a little muzzled, not really having placed any gel on it this morning since we don't have anything to do besides travel through the country until our next stop. His eyes are downcast, and I'm almost sure he doesn't even know I'm in the room. He's leaning against the left arm of the couch, his legs crossed. One hand is holding the book in place, the other one is hovering by the top right side of it, his fingers barely brushing the corner of the page. He's biting his lower lip, apparently either worried or excited by what's happening. His eyes are moving from side to side, never stopping.

Suddenly, he looks up at me. Surprise visible in his beautiful green eyes, eyes that seem to dive in right into my soul, into my most inner thoughts. He didn't know I was here. He was probably too focus in his book to hear anything else. And that's fine by me, that's something that makes Kevin who he else -- that ability to give his undivided attention to something and forget the rest of the world. My heart jumps, seeing in that habit just how deep he loves someone. How he probably makes that person feel like only they matter and nothing else in the whole wide world.

"Nick, hey, didn't hear ya coming."

I nod slowly, the corners of my lips twitching up. I've come to realize in the past two days -- after a lot of analysis, that is -- that whenever he looks at me, I just can't stop myself from smiling. "Yeah, you were really into that book." I turn off the Discman, taking off the earphones and placing them by my side on the couch.

He laughs. I've also realize that his laughter -- his real laugher -- is a very unique, strange -- since he doesn't laugh that often -- and totally melodic sound that seems to easy any troubled heart. "Yeah, the book is amazing. You should read it."

My chest contracts slightly. This small moments are the ones that make a difference in my life. This little details in our common and public life. The fact that him and I can have something private makes me feel all giddy. "Sure, after you're done." I look at the book, then back at him. "What is it?" At least I gotta seem interest in the book, because I really don't wanna make a fool.

"A Journal of the Plague Year by Daniel Defoe." Kevin looks at the pages, calling his attention, then back at me. "You're gonna love it. It's... amazing. It's about this guy and what he has to go through during the plague."

I'm not really sure if I'm gonna love it, but if Kevin thinks I will, then I'm sure gonna give it a try. Maybe I wouldn't have said this a year ago -- and maybe I still wouldn't say it aloud --, but Kevin have this particular trait of knowing what's best for each one of us. Not that he imposes that knowledge, but suggests some stuff. From this point on, I just may follow every suggestion of his. "Sure."

He tilts his head, his right eyebrow lifting slightly. "I thought you were in the back of the bus, playing Nintendo with Brian."

I shake my head, hoping the guys will stay where they are. Kevin and I hadn't gotten enough time along for the past couple of days, and maybe even longer than that, and I wanna take advantage of it. "Nah, got tired of it."

He gasp in sudden surprise, his right hand going to his chest. "You? Tired of Nintendo?"

I chuckle softly, my thumb rasping the screw top of the bottle. "Brian and I were playing until I won." I say, lifting my eyes to his and see he' smiling, then look back at the bottle. "AJ wanted to play against Brian and Howie was cheering. I think Brian is going to win, though."

Yep, the guys better stay where they are.

Another revelation that has come to me lately is how jealous I get whenever Kevin has to share his attention with one of the guys. I love them like brother, I probably always will, but I'm not sharing Kevin. Nope, no way. No how. I want him all by myself. I try not to let the blush that seems to be creeping up control me at my sudden attack of possessiveness. I didn't even know I had it in me!

Kevin nods. "Yeah, Brian is good, but you're still better."

I try not to blush at his compliment, even if it's only about my Nintendo playing abilities. His words, his hugs and smiles, seem to make my day. It's amazing how something so little and, maybe even labeled as insignificant, can mean so much to somebody -- to the right person. I hadn't realize that either, and I think know I understand better Brian's reaction after talking to Leighanne.

"Why did ya come here?"

I pick up the Discman and show it to him. Good thing I had a cover to come and watch him -- not that I had planned it. It was just a coincidence that when I came here to get the water Kevin was sitting here. Yeah, right... hmm... I'm getting better at lying through my teeth. "I was listening to music in my bunk." I place it back on the couch, and lift the bottle of already warm Gatorade I've got in my hands. "Got thirsty." I've never been more glad of being thirsty in my life. Good cover too. Should remember it for other occasion.

He smiles again, then nods.

Neither of us say a thing. I think he wants to get back to this book and I really don't wanna intrude. Besides, if he focus again on the damn book, I just might get the opportunity to spy on him. Ok, so spying constitutes of the other person -- i.e. Kevin -- not knowing the spy -- i.e. me -- being there, but I like the word and I wanna use it. Besides, what else could be called? Taking notes? Observing? Analyzing?

He smiles brighter, his dimples showing and his eyes dancing, before glancing back at his book. That simple gesture makes me smile back. His smile -- the dimple-showing one -- is really rare enough to mark the calendar whenever he gives it. I just might start doing just that. Nah!, someone could take a look at my agenda and realize I'm writing down the times when Kevin smiles, now that would be weird.

Deciding to at least continue pretending I'm doing something, besides looking at Kevin, I pick up my Discman, place it once again on my lap and put on the earphones. Taking another sip of the forgotten Gatorade, I try to come up with a good Watching plan. Coming to the decision that the most obvious is the better, I stare at my discman, playing with the screw top of the bottle every once in a while.

I take a sip every now and then, my head low, my eyes downcast and whoever who had entered the room would have thought I'm listening to music, focused on my discman.

What they wouldn't have realize was that the Discman was off and that I was gazing up at Kevin from under my eyelashes. Just small peaks, that's for sure. down right staring is something I'm saving for whenever Kevin falls asleep on the couch. I'm even beginning to recognize that it'll be a lot easier when he takes a nap in the dressing room than in the bus.

Oh yeah, this watching business can be really fun. Specially when you've got a view as gorgeous as Kevin. This man is so beautiful this might even become an addiction. I wonder if there is a 12 step program on How to stop staring at the man you like. In a week or two I may need professional help.

I sigh contemptibly, the air barely leaving my lungs from within my slightly parted lips. I smile to myself, hearing the words

I love you

in the back of my mind, barely even forcing myself to remember as it comes naturally for my consciousness to gather back those words.

I know the tone Kevin uses in my mind is sheer love. I know he says it like it's the only thing he needs to continue breathing -- to keep on leaving. I know the words purr from within his lips.

Maybe he won't ever say them -- not to me, not in that tone -- but I have them in my mind. At 21 I have words in my mind that keep me happy and save and comforted and loved. That's a lot. That's more than most people get. And even though Kevin will find a girl who he'll want to marry at some point -- good enough Kevin realized Kristin wasn't for him before they got married --, I have him in my mind.

I smile brighter. My heart melting inside my chest. A mushy feeling consuming me in these few unnoticed moments I get to watch Kevin, loving him quietly from the corner. I bite the left side of my lower lip, trying my best not to smile too much, because it could call attention on to me.