This Title comes from the Hanson's song. I will put the lyrics up because to understand how the song is SOOOO Niles, you need to know the lyrics.
If Only
Every single time I see you
I start to feel this way
Makes me wonder if I'll ever feel this way again
There's a picture hanging around the back of my head
I see it over and over
I want to hold you and love you in my arms and then
I want to need you 'cause I need to be with you until the end
Then I hear myself reply 'You've got to hold it in'
This time tonight
If only I had the guts to feel this way
If only you'd look at me and want to stay
If only I'd take you in my arms and say
I won't go, 'cause I need you.
I sit here waiting, wondering, hoping I'll make this right,
All I think about is your hands, your face, and all these lonely nights,
There's a feeling that is screaming in the back of my head,
Saying over and over
I want to hold you and love you in my arms and then
I want to need you 'cause I need to be with you until the end
Then I hear myself reply 'She'll never let you in'
This time tonight
If only I had the guts to feel this way
If only you'd look at me and want to stay
If only I'd take you in my arms and say
I won't go, 'cause I need you.
Please don't go, 'cause I need you
I wanna hear you say
I'll always be this way
We'll be hand in hand every night and every day
And I want to scream and shout
'Cause I'm loosing any doubt
And All I care about is You and Me and Us and Now
If only I had the guts to feel this way
If only you'd look at me and want to stay
If only I'd take you in my arms and say
I won't go, 'cause I need you.
Please don't go, 'cause I need you now.
Okay....thats the song that is my muse for this story.
I drew her again and again. Her face was in my head, as it had been the last 7 years. Maris had never inspired me to draw. Daphne made me draw from the moment I saw her. I was drawing her laying on my fainting couch sleeping as I rubbed her feet. I drew her nearly 8 months pregnant. I don't know why, but with Maris, I never wanted to be a father, but with Daphne, I wanted to be a father. She was someone who I'd love to have a family with. As soon as I finished the sketch, I started on another one. This one was of her very old. She'd still be the most beautiful person, with wrinkles and gray hair. I'll be bald as an infants business end.
"Niles, what are you doing?" Roz asked. I flipped to another page that had a picture of myself with Roz and Alice at the park.
"I'm drawing." I grinned proudly. Roz was the only person who I let see my drawing, only the ones without Daphne, of course. For some reason, I trusted ROZ DOYLE with one of the biggest secrets that not even Frasier knew.
"Cool. Is it all right if I join you?" Politeness? From Roz? Oh well, miracles CAN happen I suppose. I gestured for her to sit at the table with me in the Cafe. She ordered and I showed her the drawing.
"I like this one. We look almost cute together!" Roz laughed. If she only knew about the drawings of Daphne. Seven years worth of hourly scribbles in notebooks and notebooks. "I have a big favor to ask." I KNEW IT!
"What can I do for you?"
"Can Alice stay with you tonight? My apartment is being fumigated. Frasier and I had plans. With Marty out of town and Daphne sick, she has no place to stay."
"Daphne is sick? What's wrong?"
"Chicken Pox."
"You know, its better for Alice to get them now than later. Perhaps I should go over there and take care of her and Alice together."
"Whoa. Hell no. Frasier AND Marty said you haven't had chicken pox yet. I've had them."
"I have had them. I was in collage." I quickly put a hanky to my nose, covering with a sneeze. I pray she didn't see the blood. "It'll be all right Roz."
"I don't want Alice sick."
"If she gets them now, they'll be bad, but not major. Later, they will knock her off her feet for two weeks and it will be hell for both of you."
"Okay, but you are taking care of her while she's sick." Roz was toying with me. I just wanted to be close to Daphne, and she knew it. Medical fact was on my side this time. "I'll be by the Montana at around 6 to pick you up. Then we go to Frasier's."
"Make it 4. There is something I drew that I want you to see."
"What ARE you and Frasier doing anyway?"
"Donny asked us to dinner and then to the opera. Creepy, huh?"
"Very. Roz, find out what he is up to. You can use your evil ways to torture him. Find out." Roz gave me the finger ever so gracefully and left. After I paid for her drink and my own, I, too, parted company with my favorite cafe.
**************************
A Picture is worth a thousand dollars
Roz showed up at 4:30 with Alice. She looked so beautiful in her blue dress. Not Roz, Alice was in the blue dress. Roz was in black and looked very nice. I adore little Alice.
"Bonjour, cara mia."
"Hi!" Alice gleefully replied. It was one of 3 words she could speak. Mommy was one and Duck was the other. I am almost sure 'duck' started out as another word and Roz corrected it to something more appropriate.
"Lets put Alice in the nursery." I often had Alice at the Montana, so one of my extra rooms was her other nursery. Last time Roz left Alice with me, it was only a make shift nursery, but it served its purpose, even if there was only a portible crib, a diaper changer and a few little toys.The surprise I wanted to show Roz was that I decorated it in my spare time. Now it was a beautiful bedroom for the little girl. I hope one day that my own child can use this room.
"Niles, you didn't have to do this."
"It was more or less Daphne's idea. She picked out the colors and the furnature. It adds a warm touch to the place."
"You painted the walls yourself?" I painted Roz and Daphne playing with Alice when she was a newborn, and a few with Roz and Alice in the park and one with Daphne and me asleep on the couch with Alice in our arms. (Once Daphne and I were babysitting and Alice was not sleeping. We both sat with her on the couch and sang to her. After seventeen rounds of The Lion Sleeps Tonight.)
"Of course. I'm going to go get changed. I have a book of drawings in the library of Alice that I want you to pick. I'm going to paint one for you." If I know Roz, maybe she'll stumble through a picture of Daphne and give it to her, and Daphne will come to me. If only I had the guts to feel this way about her.
*******************
Roz found a book of drawings. They were all of Frasier, Martin and Eddie. After looking in a few more books, she found a key to the desk drawer. Sitting inside was a book with a month and year.
"January, 1998," I was listening to every word. Little did Roz know, but from my room, I hear and see everything in the library, I press a button and a book case moves to a small room. I love the power of one side mirror, one side window. She looked at four months worth of pictures of Daphne. A few had her in them, but mostly just my Daphne. When Roz looked at the mirror, I thought she could see me. she was only inches away and was looking into my eyes. I swallowed hard. I could FEEL her looking at me. Roz started fussing with her hair and swiped a few pictures. I had spoken with Frasier. Daphne only had a cold. Not chicken pox. Roz was setting us up, and I was helping her and she didn't even know it.
I wrote a song that I heared on the radio on the front page of a book. I am almost SURE that she took the page with her. Something in me forced me to stay home tonight. Daphne would be fine with out me, andI had to hold it in. I'll let Roz deliver the pictures and maybe Daphne will come to me.
************************
Alice was just barrly down when the door bell rang. Of coarse, she started crying. I was just out side her door. Poor little darling was very exhausted. After I picked her up, she put her head on my shoulder and together, we went to the door.
"Sorry to bother you, Dr. Crane. I didn't wake Alice, did I?" Daphne asked. She looked flushed, tired, and ill, and very stunning. I ushered her in. She looked so beautiful in her blue sweat pants and oversized tee shirt. It was obvious that she was here to return the drawings in hope I'd not notice.
"I'm going to put her to bed and change into something more appropriate." I was wearing no shirt. What can I say? I have no real air conditioner and I knew she'd be coming. Becoming. She is very becoming. Alice wriggled in my arms. A hint that she was ready to go to bed.
After I lay the baby down, I hurried to my room that looks into the library. Daphne searched for the book that Roz took them out of.
"Bloody hell Roz, I hate snooping. How could you do this!" she said to herself. "I love him! I don't want to be a trespasser!" SHE LOVED ME!!!
"Say it again," I whispered. Daphne suddenly appeared in the mirror window. She was almost exactly where Roz had stood. Eye to eye with me.
"Dr. Crane....I wish there was an easy way to tell you this," she said, practicing in the mirror. I traced the glass where I saw her face with my fingers. She was inches from the glass, which was all the chair allowed. That way, there was no way they be out of sound range.
"Tell me Daphne." I could swear that she heared me, by the look on her face.
"Niles, I am in love with you." I saw her hand on her neck, rubbing it nervously. "I know you could never love me, so I'll be on my way." Her engagment ring was gone. HER ENGAGMENT RING WAS GONE!
"Don't go Daphne." I whispered. I only wished he could have heard me. I would tell her. I quickly ran and threw on a shirt and some trousers. The cotten pants were not for telling someone you loved them. I glanced in the mirror. I was wearing the white pants and shirt and I pulled on the black shoes that I wore that night when she and Sherry got in to a tissy.
"Dr. Crane? Are you all right?" she called from the other side of my door. I closed the book case door to the secret veiwing room.
"Yes,, come in Daphne." She came and sat on a chair near my desk. "Daphne, there is some thing I wanted to tell you for a very long time now. I, for the first time, feel able to tell you." She stopped me by saying over the last word
"Dr. Crane, I'm in love with you." She got up, embarassed, to leave. I gently placed my hand on her arm. She looked at me. We again were eye to eye.
"Daphne, don't go. Every single time I see youI start to feel this way. It makes me wonder if I'll ever feel this way again. There's a picture hanging around the back of my head. I see it over and over.I want to hold you and love you in my arms and then I want to need you because I need to be with you until the end.Then I hear myself reply 'You've got to hold it in'.This time tonight, I'm going to love you. If only I had the guts to feel this way." Daphne silenced my words with a kiss. It was the most wonderful thing I ever experienced.
"Dr. Crane," she started to say.
"Shhhh." I kissed her again as she and I in one motion moved towards the bed. She unbuttoned my shirt. "Are you sure about this, my Darling?" I whispered passionatly into her her ear.
"I have been ready for this for a long time. I left Donny a few weeks ago. I want to be with you Niles." I kissed her neck and cheek gently. I felt her move my hands onto her butt. Oh, Momma! Seconds later, Alice began crying. DAMN!
"I'll be back in a moment." I kissed her soft tender lips with more passion than any one man should have, and then left.
Alice was standing in her crib screaming, trying to climb out. I picked Alice up and rocked her gently.
"Shhhh.....its ok, Little one." Oh, boy. I would have to sing before she'd get back to sleep. With my voice, I'd probably frighten off Daphne. "Rows and flows of angel hair, and Ice cream castles in the air, and feather canyons everywhere. I looked at clouds that way. But now they only block the sun, rain and snow on everyone. So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way. I look at clouds from both sides now; up and down, and still some how, its cloud illusions I don't recall, I really don't know clouds at all."
"Niles, thats beautiful." Daphne was behind me at the door. She came in to the room to meet me with a soft kiss on the lips. Alice scowled.
"Daddy," she said, pouting and gripping my neck, as if to say I was HER Daddy and not Daphne's to kiss.
"No, Alice, I'm not Daddy. I'm Uncle Niles."
"She called you Daddy?" Roz said. Oh lord.. Were Daphne and I EVER going to- wait. If Roz is here, she'll take Alice and we'll be alone.
"Yeah. Roz, can we speak for a moment?" Daphne pulled her out side. A moment later, Roz came and got Alice, gave me a wild grin and left. I met Daphne in a hungry kiss as soon as Roz was gone. Daphne took me by the hand and lead me to my room.
****************
I drew her holding a baby. She was sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery. It was just a simple drawing, but she inspired me so. My wife will always be this beautiful.
"Niles, Alan wants you." Daphne said, handing me our 16 month old son. Marty sunggled on Dad's lap as my father read to him. He was only four, but loved books. He wanted to be a fireman. Help me lord. I guess all I can do is hope that the next one will be a girl. I patted Daphne's swollen belly and kissed her. Never had two people been so happy.
"Dad? Niles? We're home!" I spoke too soon. Frasier and Roz walked in with Alice, who had recently turned seven, and their new baby, Jessica, who was just now coming home from the hospital. Everyone was happy. I guess that Daphne was really meant to be with me. God, I love her more than life.
After all the initial greetings, I started drawing Frasier and Jessica. Roz and Alice were in the back ground dozing on the couch. Daphne was drawn sitting at the piano playing a tune and Dad had Alan and Little Marty on his lap with Eddie. To day was a day that only could be remembered with a drawing, a moment in time captured by hand. By my hand.