Bring out our next guest
Or
What did people with dysfunctional lives do before Jerry?
*more notes:
{The Jerry studio. Jerry is in the audience.}
Jerry: Hello every one and welcome to today’s show. Today we have a lot of secrets to tell, so lets start.
{Turns to stage}
Jerry: Dnd over here we have {looks down at card} Sheila?
{Sure enough, Kyle’s mom is sitting on the stage}
Sheila: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Now you have a secret that you would like to tell someone, is that right?
Sheila: Yes Jerry, I have kept this a secret for so long that I must tell before I go insane.
Jerry: Ok, well, lets bring out the two you want to this to. Mr. & Mrs. Cartman, could you come out please?
{Cartman & his mom walk out and sit. Cartman looks pissed off}
Cartman: Mom, I’m hungry.
Leanne: I told you that you can eat later pumpkin.
Cartmna: But mom, I’m hungry now.
Leanne: Is this really how you wanna look on TV dear?
Cartman: We’re on TV? {Notices the camera’s} Sweet.
Jerry: Now, Sheila, what is it that you wanted to tell these two?
Sheila: Well, Eric, you see, I’m your mother.
Cartman: WHAT!?
Sheila: I’m your mother Eric.
Cartman: {looks pissed off} Mom, why didn’t you tell me that this fat bitch was my mother?
Sheila: What, what, WHAT!?
Leanne: {ignoring Sheila} Well, Eric sweetie I…
Cartman: No mom, don’t I don’t wan to hear it. Wait, does this means that {looks confused} Kyle is my brother?
Sheila: Well, yes, it would.
Cartman: Oh, sonovabitch!
Jerry: Well, as it turns out, Kyle has been listening backstage, let’s bring him out now.
{Kyle walks out, he takes the chair next to his mom and moves it to the other side of the stage before he sits down}
Sheila: Kyle, boobila, sweetie…
Kyle: Why didn’t you tell me mom?
Sheila: Well, I was drunk sweetie, I didn’t know what I was doing.
Kyle: So? You still could have told me.
Sheila: I know Kyle. But, I didn’t want you to know.
Kyle: Then why did you come on TV to bring shame to our family name mother? {looks like he is about to cry} Why mother? Why? {looks down}
Sheila: Well, I, I’m not sure sweetie, it just seamed like the right thing to do.
Cartman: But mom, I don’t wanna be brothers with that stupid hippie Jew.
Kyle: {pissed off} Oh, you should talk. At least I’m not a big fatass that can’t even figure out how to add two and two!
Cartman: AHY! I’m not fat, I’m big-boned.
Kyle: No your not, you’re a big fat ass that sits around all day and eats cheesy poofs.
Cartman: That’s it!
{Cartman gets up and walks over to Kyle. Kyle stands up and walks towards him. They start fighting, the usual curses and lots of beeps are heard.}
Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
{The guards go over and break them up. Finally, the two reluctantly go back to their seats.}
Cartman: I’m not done with you yet, hippie!
Kyle: What are you gonna do, sit on me?
Cartman: AHY!
Jerry: Well, we have to go to a commercial break right now, but then we come back, more people will tell secrets that will mess up their families so that they can get the money we pay them.
{Commercial, it’s the one for Kyle’s dad from "Sexual Harassment Panda"}
Gerald: Kids, are you tired of being harrassed at school? Sick of being called a homo? A farty pants? A butt...face? Then call me! Kyle's Dad! And I'll help you (closes his briefcase) close the lid on sexual harrassment in school!
Bebe: After a boy in my class tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get a 1.6 million dollar settlement and this bright new shiny bicyle. Thank you, Kyle's Dad!
Clyde: Kyle's Dad got me 1.4 million, and he can do it for you too! Just look at all these beautiful girls!
Gerald: So, call me, Kyle's Dad, because it's not about money. It's about...Wait! What am I saying? Call me! {Gerald jumps up in the air and the comercial freezes showing him airborn with the inscriptions "CALL NOW! 1-555-SUE-THEM"}
Singers: Kids picking on you? Well, don't be sad! Just sue their asses with Kyle's Dad!
{Jerry’s studio}
Jerry: Ok, and we’re back, now our next guest has a secret she would like to tell her family. Wendy, could you please come out?
{Wendy walks out, then sits next to Liane}
Wendy: Hi Jerry.
Jerry: Hello Wendy. Now, you have a secret also, don’t you?
Wendy: Yes Jerry. You see, my parents cut off my allowance six months ago so to make money for the past four months I’ve been working as a {pause} lap dancer.
Cartman: Haha, Stan’s hippie girlfriend is a stripper.
Wendy: Shut up Cartman, I needed the money, you have no idea what it’s like.
Jerry: Well Wendy, your family has been listening backstage, let’s bring them out now.
{The doors open and Mr. & Mrs. Testaburger walk out. Mrs. T sits down and looks like she is about to cry, Mr. T walks over to Wendy}
Mr. T: you worthless whore of a daughter, lying on TV.
Jerry: What do you mean Mr. Testaburger?
Mr. T.: This little slut has been lap dancing for a year now! When we found out, we cut off her allowance thinking maybe it would help her to see the error of her ways, but it obviously hasn’t.
Wendy: You don’t understand Daddy, I needed the money.
Mr. T: Yeah? What for, to buy drugs?
Wendy: Well, yeah
Mrs. T: What, my little girl is on drugs? {suddenly gets mad} where did you get them? There are no dealers in South Park.
Wendy: Yeah there is mom.
Mr. T: Well, I wanna meet this son of a bitch and kill him for giving my little girl drugs.
Jerry: What will happen next? Find out after this commercial break.
{a commercial for "Huntin & Killin"
Ned: Mmmare you a mmman?
Jimbo: Do you like to hunt animals and kill them? {Shows a clip of Jimbo & Ned shooting a bunch of dear, then bombing then} Then watch "huntin & killin", on South Park public access.
Ned: mmmat eight right after mmmJesus and pals.
{Back to Springer}
Jerry: Well, our next guest has something she would like to tell her boyfriend. Kathleen?
{Kathleen is on stage; she’s wearing short shorts and fish net stocking, a really short halter-top and a necklace that says "slut" in rhinestones instead of her usual dog collar. She has on REALLY long fake nails with complicated patterns on them. Also, the front of her hair is up on her head, kinda like what baby spice used to do. She is sitting with her legs crossed and had too much make-up on. In short, she really looks like a slut. Terrence is sitting next to her.}
Kathleen: Thanks Jerry. Well, ya see, Terr, I’ve been seeing someone behind your back.
Terrence: What!? For how long?
Kathleen: About 2 months.
Terrence: Who?
Jerry: Why don’t we bring him out. Could you come out now, sir?
{The door in the back opens and out walks…Pip, carrying roses. He walks over and gives them to Kathleen. Terrence then gets up and starts fighting with Pip, while Pip tries to fight back.}
Aduence: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
{They are broken up and sit, each on one side of Kathleen.}
Terrence: You limy mother (beep)er tryin to steal my girlfriend, I’ll kill…
Pip: What!? {to Kathleen} you told me that you two had broken up.
Kathleen: Does it matter?
Pip: Well, it matters a lot.
Terrence: It’s either me or him Kath, who is it gonna be?
Jerry: Well Kathleen, who do you plan to choose?
Kathleen: I plan on keeping all three.
Terrence/Pip: Three!?
Jerry: Let’s bring out number three.
{Kenny walks out. Kathleen gets up and walks over to him, then hugs and kisses him. They both go sit down}
Wendy: {to Kathleen} Yeah Kath, you go girl!
Kathleen: Oh, come on Wendy, we all know you’ve be trying to steal Kenny from me.
Wendy: What!?
Kyle: It’s true. When I was over Kenny & Kath’s house I found the letter you wrote to Kenny.
Terrence: And just what where you doing over there?
Kyle: Mr. Garrison put up together for that project, remember? We where working on it.
Stan: (from somewhere else) No you weren’t!
Kathleen: What the hell?
{Stan walks out.}
Stan: I walked by when you guys where "working on your project"
Kyle: So?
Stan: So, I saw you two making out in Kath’s room.
Audience: {gasp!}
Sheila: What, what, what?!
Wendy: Kyle, I thought we had something special. How could you do this to me?
Kyle: I’m sorry Wendy, but, I couldn’t help it.
Stan: Wendy? How could you?
Wendy: Well, Stan, I had to, or he would’ve told the whole school about my being a lap dancer. Plus, he’s cuter then you.
Stan: What do you mean he’s cuter…you’re a lap dancer?!
{Suddenly, Cartman stands up}
Cartman: Jerry I also have a secret that I would like to tell.
Jerry: Well, go ahead Eric, that’s what we’re here for.
Cartman: Thank you. {Sits down, turns to Stan} Stan, ever sense first grade, I’ve been in love with you.
Stan: WHAT!?
Kathleen: Woah, Cartman, you a fag?
Cartman: Yes, Kathleen, I am a homosexual, but I would prefer if you would not call me a fag, I find it very offensive. Anyway, getting back on topic, Stan, would you go out with me?
Stan: WHAT!? No, Cartman, I won’t go out with you.
Cartman: Oh, Stan, why can’t you love me as much as I love you. I shall remember this, I shall never love again. {starts crying, his mom hold him}
Leanne: It’s ok honey, it’ll be ok.
Stan: …k? Any way, Wendy, you’re a stripper?
Wendy: Yes, I needed the money so I could buy drugs from Kathleen here.
Mr. T: {to Kathleen} So you’re the one who’s been giving drugs to my daughter!
Kathleen: Hey, calm down, she only uses ‘shrooms, and even with out the lap dancin she could afford them. She’s just a dirty little skank who likes to have horny forty-year-old men watch her dance naked.
Wendy: Look who’s talking you little slut.
Kathleen: Bitch.
Wendy: Dyke.
Kathleen: Whore:
Wendy: Ok, that’s it, don’t (beep) with Wendy Testaburger!
{They start to fight, once again "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" the guards come over. Suddenly, the screen goes black. We can still hear "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!}
{Cut to Kenny & Kathleen’s room. Kenny is asleep, so is Kathleen. Kenny suddenly sits up in bed. He looks around, srugs, and lays back down}
{Cut to, the bus stop, before school. Kenny & Kathleen walk up}
Kenny: (Hey guys)
Kathleen: Man, I had this really wack dream last night.
Stan: What about?
Kathleen: Well, I dreamt that we was all on Jerry and Kyle’s mom was really Cartman’s mom, and I was cheatin on Terrence with Pip and Kenny, and also Kyle who was with Wendy who was a stripper, and this pissed Stan off and then it turned out that Cartman was gay and in love with Stan and there where a bunch of fights and stuff and I was dressed as a little slut like Britany Spears.
Kenny: (I had that dream too!)
Kathleen: Really?
Kenny: Yeah
Kathleen: Uh, does this mean something?
Cartman: I hope not. I don’t want Kyle’s bitchy mom as my mother! And I’m not gay, and even if I was I wouldn’t be in love with Stan!
Kyle: Yeah, and I don’t wanna go out with Wendy and Kath.
Stan: And I don’t want Wendy going out with Kyle. No offence man.
Kyle: None taken.
Kathleen: That’s just weird. Maybe we’re both physic and don’t know it.
Kenny: (Nah)
Kathleen: Yeah, that don’t make no sense. {looks at watch} SHIT! I told Terrence I’d meet him at school early. See ya guys! {runs off}
Cartman: I wonder what’s for lunch.
The end
Ok, so it’s really stupid, but I need something to put on my site while I try to think of an idea for my other friend’s story.