Kosher Klub
by kyle b.

scene: the bus stop. just Kyle.

Kyle: (singing) Put on your yameka...it's time for Chanaukka, it's so much 
fanukka, to celebrate Chanukka......

[ he stops singing as quickly as he notices that Stan, Kenny, Cartman, and 
Craig are walking toward him.]

Kyle : Oh, hi guys.
All:  Hey Kyle.
Stan: What are you doing up here all by yourself?
Kenny: Were you jacking off with the sign post?

[ Cartman, who is leaning on the post; is startled. he yelps.]

Kyle: God Kenny! that's sick! that's not what I was doing!!
Cartman: Phew!
Stan:  Then what were you doing?
Kyle: Oh, i dunno, I just though someone might come up here before long.
Stan: Kay, uh well were going to the Happy Burger; wanna come?
Kyle: Oh,..... no.
Stan: You okay dude?
Kyle: Uh.....yeah?
Stan: Okay...bye!
Kyle: bye....

[ Kyle sighs and heads home. He opens the door; and right away Sheila 
(Kyle's mom) notices ther'es something wrong.]

Sheila: Are you okay Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah ma.
Sheila: Is there something wrong?
Kyle:  It's just that, well it's almost December and I'm gonna get 
teased for being Jewish.
Sheila: Oh, I see. Well Kyle, when I was a little girl I got got teased for 
being Jewish too. I made a friend though; and she was Jewish  and we got 
through it together. We had a lot of fun together.

[ Kyle smiles.]

Kyle: Thanks ma!!

[ Kyle runs up to his room and clicks on his computer. He starts to compose 
a message:]

   Fellow Jews of SouthPark,
             Are you tired of being teased for being Jewish? Dreading it's 
almost December?
             E-mail me at: imajew@spnet.net

[ He posts the message on the SouthPark Community Message Board on-line.]

Kyle: Well, all I can do now; is wait.

[ As Kyle gets ready for bed he hums Adam Sandlar's "The Chanukka" song. As 
he's brushing his teeth;  he  hears the computer.]

Computer: You've got mail!
Kyle: Wha...

[ Kyle finishes and double clicks on his mail box. The message reads:]

   imajew,
       Hi. I'm Jewish too. I get  teased sometimes and I hate it! I am 
online right now, instant message me if you       can.
                                                 from: imajew2

Kyle: Wow!

[ He instant messages her:]

        hi imajew2.

  [ She mails him back:] (they mail back and forth.)

Imajew2: hi.
Kyle:  Can you tell me about yourself, uh...stats?
Imajew2: you first.
Kyle: 8 years old, uh..... brown hair, my favorite color is green, and my 
favorite tv show is Terrance & Phillip.
Imajew2: wow! we have a lot in common. I'm 8. I have blonde hair, my 
favorite color is orange, and I love Terrance & Phillip!!
Kyle: cool. What's your name?
Imajew2:  Clara Marie Develborfski. day-vel. not devil. what's yours?
Kyle: Kyle Broflovski.
Clara: cool.
Kyle: hey! let's meet each other tomorrow!
Clara: yeah! we can meet at my house!
Kyle: ok! after-school! where do you live?
Clara: 008 S. Watterson St.
Kyle: ok, cool. see you tommorrow!
Clara: see you! bye!
Kyle: bye!

[ He logs off. He falls asleep humming " The Chanukka Song" to himself. The 
next morning he wakes up, get's dressed and walks to the bus stop. He meets 
all the scamps there.]

Cartman: School sucks!
Kenny: {Yeah! it sucks more than Geri Halliwell in my new issue of " Dirty 
Peectures" magazine!}
Kevin: Uh uh hu yeah. It's makes ya not wanna look, but ya do anyway. uh hu 
uh .

[ Stan rolls his eyes.]

Kyle: Hey guys!
Gregory: Hello Kyle.
Clyde: Hey.

[ the bus pulls up.]

Ms. Crabtree: Hurry up! Wer're runnin late!!!!

[ Craig flips off Ms. Crabtree.]

Ms. Crabtree: Did you just flip me off!!!??
Craig: No.
Ms. Crabtree: Yes you did!
Craig: Nuh-uh.....

[ She grumbles and starts the bus .]

Ms.Crabtree: (To Craig) SIT DOWWWNN!
Craig: 

[ He rushes to his seat.]

Christoph:  Man vhat a beetch.
Stan: Yeah. She's bitchier than Mariah Carey and Godzilla put together!
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY???!!!
Stan: Uh..... I said , " In Scream 3 Courtney Cox is gonna play Gail 
Weathers!!"
Ms. Crabtree: Oh... yes. That should be a good movie.
Stan: Phew!
Clyde: Dude! Stan! That's the best you could do?! heheh Scream 2 sucked ass!
Stan: Shut-up Clyde.
Clyde: Ehheheheheh...oh.

[ Pan to the classroom, early afternoon.  Mr. Garrison is teaching nothing 
relevent to the real world and Kyle looks impatient.]

Mr. Garrison: And so, in summation class; 40 gallons of vanilla ice-cream 
couls still not fill Delta Burke's hot-tub to meet her 
standards......................

[ We hear a snapping noise.]

Kyle: Who the hell cares about this meaningless crap?!

[ He quickly covers his mouth.]

Mr. Garrison: Would you like to state something Kyle?
Kyle: Uh.........no; Mr. Garrison.

[ Everyone is staring at Kyle.]

Mr. Garrison: Oh, good answer Kyle.
Mr. Hat: That's right Mr. Garrison! That little Jew better watch his mouth 
before-
Kyle: Hey! Little Jew?!?! I don't have to take that kinda shit! I'm outa 
here!

[ Kyle slams the classroom door behind him.]

Mr. Garrison: Well, it looks like someone forgot to take their Prozac this 
morning.
Mr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.

[ Pan to Kyle walking  into Mr. Mackey's office.]

Kyle: M-M-Mr. Mackey?
Mr. Mackey: Do you need to see me about something? m'kay?
Kyle: Yeah. It's almost December and I'm gonna get teased for being Jewish.
Mr. Mackey: That must make you feel left out.
Kyle: Yeah........ I was just wondering if there were like, maybe any clubs 
i could join?
Mr. Mackey: Not Cults! right Kyle? Because they do awful horrible things!! 
m'kay!?
Kyle: No Dude! a Jewish club!
Mr. Mackey: Oh... that's good. Well, I don't know of any clubs, but maybe 
you can make your own? m'kay?
Kyle: Okay! Thanks Mr. Mackey!!
Mr. Mackey: Anytime Kyle.  Oh, and don't do drugs, m'kay? drugs are bad.
Kyle: M'kay! Uh- I mean Ok!

[ He shuts the door behind him. Pan to see him walking toward Clara's house. 
He knocks on the door. Clara answers. She is wearing a gray jacket with 
orange pants, an orange trim, orange gloves, a gray hat with orange triangle 
shaped ear flaps and an orange bow on the top. Her hair is in small blonde 
pig-tails that stick out from under hat with little orange bands.]

Clara: Kyle?
Kyle: Clara?
Clara: Yeah, it's me.
Kyle: cool.
Clara: Hi. Let's go to the backyard.
Kyle: Okay.

[ She leads him to her back yard and the first thing he sees is a 
tree-house. They go inside it.]

Kyle: This is sweet!
Clara: Thanks! So what should we do about getting teased?
Kyle: Well, I think we should make our own club for Jews only and do cool 
stuff everyday!
Clara: Kyle! That's a great idea! Let's do it!
Kyle: Great! Then I call the first meeting of the Kosher Klub, to order!
Clara: Horray!
Kyle: This is too cool.
Clara: Yeah, our own club.
Kyle: Clara, now that the Kosher Klub is in session, what do you think we 
should do?
Clara: hmmmm.....I got it! Wait right here!

[ She clambers down the tree-house steps  and runs into her house. She comes 
back holding something.]

Clara: Close your eyes.
Kyle: (eyes closed) Yeah....?
Clara: Hold out your hands.
Kyle: (hands out) Yeah...?

[ Clara sets a Terrance doll into Kyle's hands.]

Clara: Open your eyes!

[ Kyle opens his eyes and looks at his hands.]

Kyle: Wow! Terrance & Phillip dolls! Sweet!
Clara: Let's play!

[ You can hear them "The Treasure Hunting Song"  while they move around the 
dolls.]

Caption: ONE HOUR LATER............

[ Kyle and Clara are playing catch with a football. You can hear them 
laughing. Meanwhile, Kyle didn't seem to notice that Clara's house is back 
to back with Cartman's house. Pan to Ewok Villiage 2000. Cartman, Christoph, 
Gregory, Tweek, Kenny, and Clyde are spying on them .]

Kyle: That was so much fun!

[ he looks at his watch.]

Kyle: Oh! dude! it's almost 6! I better go, or else my momwill be pissed!
Clara: Yeah, moms can be bitchy sometimes huh?
Kyle: Yeah..- you swear?
Clara: Yeah.
Kyle: Oh. Me too.
Clara: So I've noticed.
Kyle: Well, see you tommorrow!
Clara: Bye!
Kyle: You're  the  best!
Clara: aww thanks Kyle. Right back atcha!

[ All the scamps in E.V. 2000 gasp]

Gregory: I thought that Stan was Kyle's best friend!
Tweek: Yeah! Stan's being replaced by-by a girl!

[ Pause]

Cartman & Kenny: AAAHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!
Clyde: You guys! We can't tell Stan!
Gergory: We must swear an oath! Raise you left hands-
Craig: uh...Greagory?
Gregory: What?
Craig: You're supposed to raise your right hand....I think..
Gregory: Well, I'm making the oath up, and I'm left handed so there!

[ Craig rolls his eyes.]

Gregory: Alright then. Repeat after me,
Kenny: { Repeat after me,}

[ Kenny giggles.]

Gregory: Christoph?
Christoph: No problem.

[ He walks over to Kenny and socks him.]

Kenny: {ooowwww!}
Gregory: Now, where was I? Oh, yes; I solemnly swear-
Scamps: I solemnly swear-
Gregory: That any information of and about the events or occurrances brought 
forth today-
Scamps: That any information of and about the events or occurrances brought 
forth today-
Gregory: Shall not be revealed or suggested in any way to any other persons 
ever-
Scamps: Shall not be revealed or suggested in any way to any other persons 
ever-
Gregory: If I do so-
Scamps: If I do so-
Gregory: May I be a roadie for pop sensation group *NSYNC as long as I shall 
live.
Scamps: May I be a roadie for pop sensation group *NSYNC as long as I shall 
live. 

[ Pan to Kyle's house. The family is eating dinner.]

Sheila: Where were you this afternoon bubbe?
Kyle: I was with my new friend!
Gerald: That's great! What's his name?
Kyle: No, dad she's a girl! Her name is Clara Develborfski! She's Jewish 
too!
Sheila: That's great honey!

[ Pan to Clara's house. The family is eating dinner.]

Mr. Develborfski: Who were you playing with this afternoon Clara?
Clara: Oh, I was with my new friend Kyle!
mrs. Develborfski: That's nice dear.

[ She walks up to her room and sends Kyle an e-mail.]

  Kyle,
    You're a great friend, and I like you a lot.
                         ~Clara


[ Pan to Kyle staring at the computer screen with his jaw hanging. He  gets 
into his bed and and dozes off. His computer sounds " You've got mail!" but 
he sleeps on. The e-mail appears on his screen.]

  Just as friends of course.
                      ~Clara

[ Sheila walks into the room and as she turns off the computer; she 
accidentally deletes the message. It's morning. Kyle wakes up with a smile 
on his face and hums as he gets ready for school. Pan to Kyle sitting next 
to Stan on the bus.]

Stan: Hey dude! Did you see the Terrance & Phillip special last night?
Kyle: Terrance & Phillip?
Stan: Yeah dude! you told me that there was a special like, last week! You 
didn't see it?
Kyle: Oh, I guess I just forgot.
Stan: You okay Dude? You haven't been yourself lately.
Kyle: No?
Stan: You're all tense and everything.
Kyle: Oh; I'm sorry.
Stan: It's okay, I'm just a li'l worried about you.
Kyle: Oh.Well, thanks.

[ The bus pulls to a stop and the boys get off, he sees Clara with Biddy and 
Jordan. She waves to him to come over.]

Kyle: Oh; I'll be back in a second Stan!
Stan: Oh........ok.

[ Kyle runs over to Clara and they talk for a minute, then he runs back over 
to Stan.]

Stan: Who's that.
Kyle: Oh, just a friend!
Stan: Oh okay.

[ The same spies are in the hedge with binoculars.]

Tweek: Ahh! He just lied to Stan!!
Gergory: Oh my!
Kenny:{ We need to tell Stan!!}
Gregory: That would be "Tearin' Up His Heart" 
Kenny: {What?!}
Clyde: Yeah, it would "Drive Him Crazy".

[ They all laugh.]

Kenny:{ What the hell are you talking about?!}
Tweek: The metaphores man!
Kenny:{awww!}

[ Pan to the classroom, Kyle has a woozy Stan-like smile on his face, Bebe 
and Wendy are looking at him and whispering.]

Bebe: (to Wendy) Di you think Kyle's okay?
Wendy:(to Bebe) I dunno, he's kinda acting like....Stan.......

[ Both giggle. The recess bell rings and they all stampede out the door. Pna 
to all the kids playing outside, Clara waves to Kyle and he looks like he's 
about to blow chunks, but doesn't.]

Stan: Woah! You okay dude?
Kyle: Uhh....yeah. I'm fine.
Stan: Alright....

[Kyle runs off in Clara's direction. Leaving Stan alone. Kenny runs up to 
Stan.]

Stan: Oh; hey Kenny.
Kenny:{ Stan, have you noticed something strange about Kyle?]
Stan: Yeah, it's like; he doesn't know me.
Kenny:{ I know why.........}

[ Whispers something into Stan's ear. Stan get a sad look on his face and 
sulks off. Kyle comes back and he doesn't see Stan; so he runs back off in 
Clara's direction. Pan to the lunchroom.]

Kyle: Hey Stan.....

[ Stan ignore Kyle and walks away. He shrugs and sits with Clara.]

Clara: Hi! Guess what?
Kyle: What?
Clara: I made A Kosher Klub flag!!
Kyle: Cool! I was thinking that are anthem would be-
Clara: Adam Sandlar's "The Channuka Song"?
Kyle: Yeah!'
Clara: Sweet!  a-...and you can spin the dreidle with Captain Kirk 
and Mr. Spock!

[ They both laugh.]

Kyle: Adam Sandlar is soo cool! I love his movies!!
Clara: hey! Me too! Which ones?
Kyle: All of 'em!
Clara: My favorite's are; Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, and that scene he 
does in Dirty Work!!
Kyle: Yeah! that one's hella funny!!

[ Pan to that night, the two are instant messaging each other.]

Clara:      I had a lot of fun today!
Kyle:       Me too.
Clara:       I need 2 log off right now.
Kyle:        okay, goodnight. >->:*

[ Clara gets a weirded out look on her face when she reads the last message. 
(the symbols together means a kiss) She shakes her head and logs off, 
feeling uneasy. Kyle, meanwhile is waiting for a reply back and he sits 
there for a while. She never replies. Pan to the next morning, all through 
school, an uneasy Clara avoids Kyle all day, yet; Kyle remains cherrful. ( 
he doesn't notice.) Pan to Clara's tree house, she walks up the steps and is 
suprised to see Kyle sitting there waiting for her.]

Kyle: Hi.
Clara: Oh! uh.....hi. What are you doing here?
Kyle: The meeting?
Clara: Oh! oh! The meeting! I forgot! I'm so sorry! eh heh, heh.....

[ Pan to the spies in E.V. 2000.]

Tweek: GAhhh!! woah! Kyle's gonna score!
Clyde: Go Kyle!

[ Pan back to Kyle and Clara.]

Kyle: So first order of business?
Clara: Uh....uh.....ummmmm......

[ Stan climbs into the clubhouse.]

Clara:
Stan: Sorry to interrupt but I need to ask Kyle a question.
Kyle: Sure; what is it dude?
Stan: Ok, how come you don't wanna be my friend anymore?!

[ The spies in E.V. 2000 gasp]

Gregory: how's he know that?!
Kyle: Whadayya mean?
Stan: This girl! Is your new best freind!
Kyle: No dude; this is my *girl*!
Clara:  What!!??!!??
Stan: Oh! Cuz, I thought-
Kyle: What?! Who told you that?!
Stan: Well, Kenny did.

[ All the spies in E.V. 2000 gasp yet again and glare at Kenny.]
Kenny:  { Oh, hey... do you hear that?  I think it's my mom calling! 
Yup! ehheh, waffles must be done! Well, nice hanging out with you guys! It's 
been great! Bye?}

[ They all shake their heads no. Pan back to the clubhouse]

Kyle: I'm sorry Stan.
Stan: Me too!
Kyle: See you tommorrow Clara!
Clara: Uh-huh.

[ They climb down the steps.]

Stan: Hey, since when do you like girls? Man; I thought you hated them.

[ Kyle gets a horrified look on his face and we hear the sound of a fuse 
shorting out.]

Kyle: Oh Sh*t!!
Stan: Heh heh!
Kyle: Not funny dude! What am I gonna do?!
Stan: Well, uh.....just disregard it and be her friend, kinda forget about 
it.
Kyle: Oh, ok! Thanks man!
Stan: C'mon! Let's go to my house and watch Terrance & Phillip!
Kyle: Kickass!

[ Stan looks back at the club house and he sees Clara yelling out a silent " 
Thank you!!" he smiles and turns back around. Pan to the li'l spies dragging 
Kenny to the free way.]

Gregory: Say Christoph, isn't there an *Nsync concert tonight?
Christoph: Why yes! I do beleive so! At the Denver Forum....7:30 tonight!
Gregory: Thanks Christoph! Kenny, remeber that; reading the newspaper can be 
deadly for some!
Kenny:

[ Kenny looks worried as a tour bus pulls to a stop. Justin sticks his head 
out the window.]

Justin: Hey G! Wuz Up?
Gregory: uh....our little friend Kenny here is your biggest fan!! Could he 
be a roadie?
Justin: Sure!

[ He opens the door and gets out of the bus. He grabs Kenny and Jerks him 
inside, Justin slams the door and they can see Kenny looking out the 
window.]

Christoph: Send us a postcard Kenny!!
Cartman: Yeah! Heh heh heh...li'l pecker......


[ The bus pulls away and they walk away laughing. Pan to inside the bus.]

Justin:  Hye JC! We gotta new freind!!
JC: Really? Cool!
Lance: A new freind?! Wow!
Joey: Yeah! We never get new freinds!
Kenny: ( eyes brighten){ Hey......are you guys still on tour with that 
juggie Britney Spears?!}
Chris: No, not anymore.
Kenny: { Then, who are you on tour with now?}
Joey: Ricky Martin.
Chris: You'll need to bunk with him.

[ Ricky Martin comes out (yeah, laugh it up; but he hasn't "come out" like 
that.........yet.) wearing something that was probably on sale at Merv's]

Ricky: Hey y'all!
*Nsync: (dronley) hey Ricky.....
Lance: This is your new bunk buddy.
JC: yeah, his name's Kenny.
Ricky: Oh goodie! C'mon Kenny! Let's have a slumber party! You get the Rice 
Cakes! I'll get Titanic!!!


[ Kenny gets a freaked out look on his face, the Psycho theme plays.]

 
end.