The Super Squirts 
by: kyle b.
 
Note:
1. Just so you think I'm not stupid, the squirts do get mixed up. When they do the dubbing they call it "subtitles" but give them a break they're what? 2?
2. {From Wackogirl} I added in the translations for Ike as Jesse Camp, for people who aren’t used to Jesse’s way of talking. Ain’t I nice?


 
{Scene: Mashuggena Hall. Matthew, Joseph, Ike & Ichmeal are singing.}
Squirtz: Gwaba beer, uhhhh.... send your wife and kids ta fwance it's daaa Man Show!!
Schlomo: What are you squirtz singing?!
Ike: no!
Joseph: it's da Man Show.
Ichmeal: yeah!!
Schlomo: you squirts don't sing that!
Matthew: why?
Schlomo: because, that show is a tv 14 rated show!
Matthew: why?
Schlomo: because! this show has naughty language!!
Matthew: ....oh.
Schlomo: if you're gonna sing something; sing something good that I won't get in trouble for like one of your squirt chants!
Squirts: ok. (singing) we are jew squirts, we know jew words, schtick, schtick, schmata,schmata-
(as soon as sclomo's not looking)
Squirtz: (singing) quit your job n' light a fart, and-
Schlomo: aaaaayyyyyyyy!!!
Squirtz: -schtick,schtich, schmata,schmata.
Schlomo: ok, you squirtz! it's time for your stupid li'l snack!
Joseph: (tugs on the corner of schlomo's shirt) mister?
Schlomo: whaaat?!
Joseph: why does we gotta eat our snack?
Schlomo: cuz' that's what squirts do!!
Joseph:.....oh.
(they eat their snack in the corner of the hall)
Ichmeal: eww! gwanola!! this tuff tates like cwap!!
Matthew: yeah. what compney makes it joseph?
(Joseph is the only one who can read.)
Joseph: .uh... de.deee...di-diiiii..... dial.... dial-a-.......dial-a-meal!!
(They all have puzzeled looks on their faces)
Ichmeal: {pause} well; it still tates wike cwap!
Ike: yep.

(Later on the squirtz' moms come to pick them. Focus on Joseph. When his parents go to sleep he gets up, turns on the computer. He logs on to the Internet. He pulls out the wrapper and reads it as he types it in on the search engine. He hits the enter key and looks at the matches.)

Joseph:(reading aloud) dial-a-ride.......no. ........dial-(he giggles)..no. .........hey yeah!! there it is dial-a-meal!! uh...a wicherd simmonths produkshun.
(double clicks)
Joseph:(reading the web-page aloud.) wewcome to dial-a-meal.com, a place for all your needed info on my gwound breaking diet progwam dat's sweeping da nashun as we speak. Here's a list of mafatchured pwoducts avawible ata store near you. corn-chips......no. .......rice-cakes........ no. .......oh! dere it is!! granowa treats!!
(double clicks)
Joseph:(reads aloud) ingredients... uh.... yellow 5....6...19...citric-acid...... and highly adictive supplement that has nothing to do with losing weight at all........ what?!!? uh-oh....

(the next morning at the squirt meeting.)
Ichmeal: did ya find out anything 'bout da gwanola?
Joseph: yep. it's addictive so we betta not eat it no more!
Ichmeal: dat's fine wiff me!!
Ike: ya! me too!
Matthew: but don't peoples eat da gwanola?
Joseph: we gosta stop da evil wichard simmonth you guys!!
Matthew: why?
Joseph: dat's da pwoblem! people eat da yucky gwanola to get finner but dey don't get finner!! And den dere todally scrwed!!
Ichmeal: yeccchhh! (with hebrew accent)
Matthew: where's da company?
(reads the wrapper)
Joseph: uh... Buffalo New york!
(they sit quiet for a few seconds)
Matthew: how will we get dere?
Ike: train!
Joseph: hey yeah!
Matthew: how will we ged on a twain?
(they all scrutinize the room closely. Joseph spies an empty box)
Joseph: that box!
Ichmeal: yah!(he whips out a crayon) what's da addwess?
Joseph:(looks at wrapper) uh.... 005 Sasso Drive, Buffalo, New York.
(pen squeaking)
Ichmeal: got it! let's go!
Ike: kay!

(they drag the box outside, and get in. not too long after, the mail-man comes to pick it up. he drives it to the train station. they feel being set down. and a few minutes later, 8 little eyes peek out.}
{sqirts p.o.v.: joseph opens the box, and they all climb out. they appear to be the cargo-hold on the train.)
 
Ike: cool!
Ichmeal: are we dere yet?
Joseph: nope.
Ichmeal: awwww.
(they fall asleep later in a blanket.)

caption: LATER..........................

(the train schreeches to a stop, and the squirts get startled.)
Squirts: aaahhhh!!
(the blanket with the squirts rolls into a ball and roll onto the other side of the car and end up in the box again.)
Ike: oww.
Ichmeal: ayymashugenna.....(mumbling hebrew)
Joseph: shh! i dink we're here!
(they all clam up. the car's doors open and the squirtz' box gets picked up and carried, then set down. then, the box gets carried again and brought inside a building, then set down again.)
Ichmeal: are we dere yet?
Joseph: yup.
Ichmeal: horray!
(Joseph's eye's peek out the top of the box)
Joseph: all clear squirtz.
(they climb out and look around them, they are in a giant factory.)
Ike: woah.....
Matthew: dis's biiiig!
(they hear a laughing sound from near-by)
Ichmeal: >gasp< what wuz dat?!
Matthew: ida know!

(the squirtz peer around a corner and see through some blinds; in an office a really annoying sounding short guy)
Richard Simmons:(his voice is really over-exagerated and high-pitched) Ahahahahahahaaa! Look at all this money! And to think all I had to do was rip off a few million gullible saps!! hee hee hee!
Squirtz: >gasp{Translation: aakayyy mister girly girl man fat sweaty bald dude! Prepare to get a hurtin' cuz Ike's about ta get me devil on yer-}
R.s./Fran Drecher: auugh!(covers ears) i still can't understand you!!!
Ike/Jesse Camp: i'vegotabitivelynoideawhat'retalkinbout!{i've got a bitively no idea what're talkin ‘bout}
R.S/Fran Drecher: then can you get another subtitle for him?!
{Chas: no.}
R.S./Fran Drecher: but it's hurting my ears!!!
{Chas/Church Lady: well, isn't that special?}
R.S/Fran Drecher: rrrrrr.
Joseph/ movie phone guy: alright! let's get down! Squirts! Fall in it's time to kick his-
{Chas: pppsst! (whisper) the censors are watching you.}
Joseph/movie phone guy: uhhhhh..........hienie!
Squirts: aaaahhhhh!
(They’re charging him. he looks at them pitifully then kicks them!! =( they all fly backwards. Joseph hits the ground and skids. Ike flies into the garbage can. Ichmeal gets sent smacking into the office door; and Matthew crashes into a box pyramid.)
Matthew/Jerry Lewis: oy! the hurting.....froynlevin.....
Ike/Jesse camp: wowhatatrip! {Wow what a trip!}
Joseph/movie phone guy: squirts! Re-group!
(They all huddle)
Joseph/movie phone guy: what should we do!?
Matthew/Jerry Lewis: let's make him eat da granola oy!
Ichmeal/ace Ventura: hey! I think Matthew’s got somethin'.
Joseph/movie phone guy: ok! let's do it!
Ichmeal/ace Ventura: let's bag this loooooooser!
Squirts: 1............2..............3........break!
(They find a granola bar. They pretend to eat it by making smacking noises)
Ike/Jesse Camp: woahthis'reallygoodyeah! {Wow this’s really good, yeah}
Matthew/Jerry Lewis: yeah, mmm..oy.
Joseph/movie phone guy: hey! Richard! Come and try some of this stuff!
R.S./Fran Drecher: what is it?
Ike/Jesse Camp: it'sgranolawannatrysome?ok.herecatch! {It’s granola, wanna try some? Ok, here, catch!}
(He tosses him a piece. Richard Simmons puts it in his mouth. He has a really sour look on his face. Then he twitches a little and falls over.)
Matthew/Jerry Lewis: is he dead oy?
Joseph/movie phone guy:(checks pulse) yeah. He’s a goner.
Ichmeal/ ace Ventura: wohoo! LA-OOOOOO-SA-ERRRRRRRRR!!!!!
Take care now; bye-bye then. eh-heeheeheeh.
Ike/Jesse Camp: woah.......coolcoolreallycool. {You all can figure this out on your own, right?}
Joseph/movie phone guy: you know; since we vanquished the evil Richard Simmons: we don't need these subtitles anymore.
Ishmeal/ace Ventura: re-he-he-heally?
Matthew/Jerry Lewis: awww. I was starting to like it oy.
Ike/Jesse camp: yaithinkwebettastopcuzi'mstartintoannoymyself. {ya I think we betta stop cuz i'm startin to annoy myself.}
Joseph/movie phone guy: {pphht} yeah. Tell me another one. Ready guys.. 1....2.....3!
Ike:(normal) bababababababa!
Ichmeal: awww. i wuz startin ta wike dat.
Matthew: yeah. I know. Too bad.
ichmeal: hey, Joseph?
Joseph: yeah?
Ichmeal: what was the purpose of any of that?!
Joseph:(thinking) ya know... funny thing too {scoffs} I have no idea.
Ichmeal: oh, okay!
Joseph: c'mon squirtz let's head home.
All: okaayyyy.....

{Caption: MEANWHILE, BACK IN SOUTHPARK....................}

(Pan to the Broflovski home.)
Sheila: where is he Kyle??!!
Kyle: uhhhh.........
Gerald: where's your little brother Kyle??!!
Sheila: and if he's in Nebraska somewhere; I swear it-
Kyle: geez! You kick a kid on a train to Nebraska once-and ya pay for it the rest of your life. How am I s'posed to know where he is he disappeared this morning! I was at school!!

(Sheila & Gerald have that ‘oh yeah/oh crap’ look an their faces)

(Pan back to the squirts: They're getting back on the train in their box. You can see them fall asleep. Then, the train stops. They all hop out, and head for their houses. It's dark outside but it's only like....8o'clock 8:30 PM. Focus on Ike. He runs through some bushes and climbs up a small tree and gets in the house from his bedroom window. He gets in his crib. Just as he's about to fall asleep he puts his index finger over his mouth)
Ike: shhhh. (Wink)

End.

{Wackogirl/Church Lady: Wasn’t that special?}