Cartman: AYH! Respect my authorit-ayh!
Stan: No way Cartman, I’m gonna win this round.
Kyle: Oh no you won’t. I’m gonna win with my cow launcher
Kenny: (not if I have anything to fucking do with it!)
{We hear a round of shots, then cartman moans}
Cartman: God damnit! You killed me Kenny.
Kenny: (yeah, cause your ass is to fat to fucking out run me!)
Cartman: AYH! I’m not fat. It’s my glands.
Wackogirl: Ok you guys, that’s enough playing for now.
{The game & the TV disapear.}
Cartman; dude, weak
Wackogirl: Guess what time it is every one.
Kyle: Time for Cartman’s after-lunch-but-before-before-dinner snack?
Cartman: No, I still have 20 minutes
Wackogirl: no
Stan: we’re all gonna get to go to Disney?
Wackogiirl: No
Kenny: (You’re gonna give all of us a bunch of hot chicks to fuck?)
Wackogirl: NO, you sick ass weirdo
Kyle: well, what then?
Wackogirl: It’s time for your favorite thing in the whole world…
Cartman: Dinner?
Wackogirl: No, god damnit, stop interrupting me! As I was saying, it’s time for another fanfic!
{All moan}
Stan: Let me guess, another one of your friend’s birthday’s is coming up, & you’re too god damn cheep to buy her anything. Am I right?
Wackogirl: No, another one of my friends read my story, & she wanted to get together with Isaac, so I’m writing this one for her.
Cartman: Gad damnit, not another Hanson story.
Wackogirl: yep. Now shut up so I can start the story
Cartman: (mumbles under his breath) you stupid assed shrew
Wackogirl: What was that?
Cartmna: uh, I said, did I even have to ask you?
Wackogirl: No you didn’t. Now you will suffer.
{Suddenly Cartman’s normal cloths chance to hippie cloths. A lava lamp appears next to him}
Cartman: (in that high on acid way hippies talk) Wow man, it’s like I can answer all the questions of the universe just by looking at this totally groovy lamp.
Wackogirl: That ought to keep him quiet for a while. Any way, on with the story
{Warning, theme song}
{Happy Burger. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Wendy, Kelly, Eileen, Patty, Suzzie & the Hanson bro.’s are sitting in a really long booth. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman & Wendy are on one side of the table, Eileen, Patty, Suzzie & the Hanson’s are on the other. Suzzie’s cell phone rings. She answers it.}
Suzzie: Hello? (Pause) oh my god, Tina*! How are you? (Pause) Dude, sweat. When? (pause) cool, ok, see ya then. (*once again, name changed to protect the inocent sucked in by Hanson)
{Turns the phone off}
Suzzie: That was Tina. She’ll be here tomorrow.
Patty: Really? Dude, sweet!
Isaac: Is Tina really coming here?
Suzzie: Yep
Cartman: Who the hell is Tina?
Eileen: One of our old friends from NY.
Patty: Eileen, you fatass, your only friend was Theresa* & she’s dumb as Cartman here, ok, Tina was not your friends & neither are we. Got that, you donkey-raping shit-eater? (*another name change, at request of mother)
Suzzie: Yeah, just why are you hangin around us anyway?
Eileen: ‘Cause I’m here with Eric
Patty: Well, Cartman’s ass is just as fat & dumb as yours, so there.
{Eileen is about to cry. Kyle, seeing this & wanting to prevent causing a scene, buts in}
Kyle: come on you guys. We should go, we have a test tomorrow, remember, We should all go home & study.
All: Ok, yeah sure, sure, etc.
{Kenny starts to laugh. Then Patty stars to laugh.}
Kelly: What’s so funny Benny?
{Kenny wispers in her ear.}
Kelly: oh. Are we going to do that Lenny? (Picks nose)
Kenny: (do you want to?)
Kelly: sure
Kenny: (YES! Come on, let’s fucking get out of here. We don’t want to waste any more fucking time.)
{Kelly picks her nose, then her & Kenny leave}
Zac: I don’t get it
Patty: You’re too young to understand. We’ll explain it to you when you’re older.
{Suzzie, finally getting the joke starts to laugh. The other join in, except Cartman & Eileen.}
Eileen: I still don’t get it.
{The others laugh harder.}
Cartman: AHY! I don’t see why that’s so god damn funny.
{All the others continue to laugh, then they finally stop}
Wendy: We’ll explain it to you when your I.Q. reaches positive numbers. Any way, we really should go, come on Stan.
{Stan & Wendy get up & leave. Everyone else gets up & leaves too, except Cartman & Eileen.}
Cartman: You want another burger?
Eileen: Sure
{Fade out.}
{Fade in.}
{Mr.Garrison’s class. The kids are all standing around in a few circles, talking. Stan, Kyle, Kenny & Cartman are in one circle; Wendy, Bebe, Suzzie, Patty & two other girls are in another circle. Terrence is standing w/ Bill & Fossy. Pip, Butters, that dirty kid & a few others are I another circle. Cartman throws a spitball at Pip. Pip ducks & the spitball hits Wendy. Cartman laughs, & Wendy is about to walk over when Patty stops her. Patty throws a spitball at Cartman. It hits him in the back of the head, & the girls start to laugh. Cartman throws one back at Patty. It goes on like this for a few minutes, then the door opens. A girl walks in. She’s wearing blue pants & a green jacket. She has short brown hair. She looks around the room, then at Mr.Garrison, then back at the kids. Suzzie see’s her.}
Suzzie: Tina!
{Patty looks over & see’s Tina. The two run over to her.}
Tina: Do I want to know?
Suzzie: That’s Mr.Garrison (jesters at Mr.Garrison) he’s gay & has problems. He’s kinda like Fritz, but he doesn’t’ spit as much when he talks.
Patty: (talking really fast) That’s Cartman (as Patty talks about each person she points to them) he’s the resident fat ass. That’s Stan, he the only some-what normal one, that’s Kyle. That’s Kenny, he’s the resident perv, almost as bad at me, that’s Wendy, she’s all smart-like, just don’t call her a bitch unless you want a textbook thrown at your head. That’s Bebe, she’s your normal blonde, that’s Terence, he’s the bully. The two asshole’s with him are Bill & Fossy. They think every one’s gay, we’re pretty sure that they really are. That’s Pip, he’s the stupid Brit. You can do whatever you want to him, it’s fun. That’s Butters, he’s a nerd, & that’s the dirty kid. Don’t go near him.
Tina: (confused) ok
Patty: Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it. Come on, you can meet the gang.
{Patty & Suzzie walk back over to the girls & Tina follows.}
Patty: Everybody, this is Tina, Tina, that’s Wendy, Bebe, Allison & Heather.
All: Hi
Wendy: You see that guy over there? (Points to Stan)
Tina: yeah,
Wendy: He’s mine.
Tina: oh, that’s ok, I already have a boyfriend.
Bebe: let me guess, Zac, right?
Tina: No, Isaac
Patty: come on, you have to meet the guys.
{The 3 walk over to the guys}
Patty: guys, Tina, Tina, that’s Cartman, Kenny, Kyle & Stan.
All: hi
Kenny: (how come all the girls in this class are flat?)
{Wackogirl: all the girl are flat ‘cause I made all the characters in 3rd grade, including the Hanson’s (it’s easier that way) but the Hanson’s & Eileen are in different classes}
Kenny: (damnit, couldn’t you of at least fucking left your self as not-flat?)
{Wackogirl: Even if I did make my self not flat, you’d never get to see them, so why would it matter to you?}
Kenny: (I have my ways) (starts laughing)
Patty: you sick pervert!
{She takes out a pocket knife & starts to stab him. Just then, Kyle’s elephant crashes in, & stomps Kenny. He then walks back out.}
Stan: Oh my god, they killed Kenny.
Kyle: you backstreet boy loving teeny bopers.
Stan: Where’d that come from?
Kyle: I don’t know, just wanted a change of pace.
Stan: Ok.
Cartman: have any of you guys seen Eileen?
Tina: what do you mean?
Cartman: yeah, when I say “have any of you guys seen Eileen” I really mean “can you tell me how to get to cheesy chucks?” oh, yeah, that makes perfect sense. God, I swear, you brain-dead hippies are all on crack!
Patty: Fatass, Eileen is in the retard class, remember? *Auther's note:Eileen is in the retard class, the Hanson’s are not (see, I can be nice sometimes)
Cartrman: oh yeah
Kyle: (wispers to the others) I think Cartman should be in the retard class too.
{They laugh.}
Cartman: AHY! I don’t have to sit here & be insulted by you tree-hugging hippies.
Patty: Yeah, you could go any were & be insulted.
Kyle: hey narrator!
{Wackogirl: yes?}
Kyle: this story is getting boring.
{Wackogirl: I know, so I’m gonna change scenes}
Kyle: k
{Uh………….ok, where can I really mess things up? OH! I know. Ok}
{Cut to… the beach!}
Cartman: that’s the best u can do?
Wackogirl: shut up fat ass.
Cartman: AHY! I’m not fat I’m….
Wackogirl: GODDAMNIT I SAID SHUT UP!!!!!!!!
{There’s a bunch of thunder & lightning strikes}
Wackogirl: ha! I bet you can’t do that.
Stan: you fanfic writers really like to flatter yourselves, don’t you?
Wackogirl: oh, shut up.
{Ok, now it’s really a beach scene. There are a bunch of people there & the waves are really high. Everyone (I’m not going through everyone, figure it out) is walking along the shore. Suddenly, two guys run up.}
First guy: oh my god, look at that poor beached whale!
Eileen: where?
Second guy: oh my god Jim, there are two of them!
Jim: call the coast guard.
{A guy that looks like Barbrady but wearing a bathing suit & red hair walks up.}
Coast guard: ok, what seams to be the trouble…
{See’s Cartman & Eileen}
Coast guard: oh my god, look at those poor whales! Quick get someone in here!
{Suddenly, 2 helicopters fly over each w/ one of those whale carying thingies. They get lower to the ground & Jim trys to put Cartman in one of them.}
Cartman: AHY! Let go of me!
Jim: Quick, Joe, grab the other one.
{Joe grabs Eileen. A few minutes later, both Eileen & Cartman are on the carier thingies & they fly off.}
Taylor: that was just weird.
Zak: you can say that again
Taylor: that was just…
Patty: we know.
Taylor: sorry.
Tina: what do we do now?
Suzzies: I don't know
Patty looks at Kyle.
Kyle: oh no, WACKOGIRL?!?!
{Wackogirl: yes Kyle dear?}
Kyle: you better not.
{Wackogirl: not what?}
Kyle: you know what I’m talking about.
{Wackogirl: no I don’t. Now stop interrupting the story & do what I instruct you to do.}
Kyle: fine, whatever.
{Ok, where was I? Oh, yeas, Patty looks at Kyle. Suzzie at Taylor. Tina looks at Isaac. Stan looks at Wendy. Kelly looks over, then remembers that Kenny is dead & looks over at Zak. (can anyone guess what happens next? Come on, you can do it.}
{So every one kisses every one else (you know what I mean.)
{Fade out.}
{Fade in. Stan & Kyle are standing on the blank screen.}
Stan: Kyle, was that one weirder then the first one, or was it just me?
Kyle: no, it was weirder.
{Suddenly one the helicopter that was carrying Cartman comes back. It’s doing ok, but suddenly Cartman leans over to the left. The helicopter starts to lean, then it starts to fall down on it’s side. It crashes into the ground & then Cartman walks out of the wreckage. He has a hand full of cheesy poofs.}
Cartman: hey, you guys will never believe it! They gave me food & put me in this really big swimming pool, but then they brought me back here. I wonder why?
{Cut to. A large tank. There are 2 dead whales, both on top of the water on there backs.}
Guy one: what happened?
Guy two: that new whale ate all the food, along with the female they brought in that day.
Guy one. How sad.
{Cut back to the 3.}
Kyle: Wackogirl?
Wackogirl: yes?
Kyle: is this finally over.
Wackogirl: (makes thinking noises) well, why the hell not, I’m out of idea’s anyway.
Cartman: yeah, now you can get your bitch as back in the kitchen & get me some pie!
Stan: CARTMAN! You never piss off a fanfic writer!
Cartman: why
Wackogirl: Well, I was gonna stop my dumb south park stories with this one, but I think I might fell the idea for another one coming to me.
Kyle: that’s why
Cartman: I don’t care, as long as it doesn’t have all the mushy love crap in it.
Wackogirl: (laughs real evil-like) oh, there’ll be more. Trust me.
Stan: godamnit Cartman! You are always doing stuff like that to us.
Wackogirl: hey, that just might work, thank you Stan.
Kyle: STAN! Now you gave her ideas.
Stan: Whoops.
Wackogirl: don’t worry, I’m gonna take a break from my stupid-ass no point, no plot stories. For now. (laughs all evil-like like Dr.Evil does)
Kyle: we’re dead.
The end
