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Colonel: get some discipline into those chaps,
Sergeant Major!
Sergeant: (Shouting throughout) Right sir!
Good evening, class.
All: (mumbling) Good evening.
Sergeant: Where's all the others, then?
All: They're not here.
Sergeant: I can see that. What's the matter
with them?
All: Dunno.
1st Man: Perhaps they've got 'flu.
Sergeant: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more
fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying
on
from where we got to last week when I was
showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with
armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
(Grumbles from all)
2nd Man: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit
this week.
Sergeant: What do you mean?
3rd Man: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.
Sergeant: What's wrong with fruit? You think
you know it all, eh?
2nd Man: Can't we do something else?
3rd Man: Like someone who attacks you with
a pointed stick?
Sergeant: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want
to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting
all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good
enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking
home tonight and some great homicidal maniac
comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!
Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant
lunges at you with a passion fruit...
All: We done the passion fruit.
Sergeant: What?
1st Man: We done the passion fruit.
2nd Man: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...
3rd Man: Whole and segments.
2nd Man: Pomegranates, greengages...
1st Man: Grapes, passion fruit...
2nd Man: Lemons...
3rd Man: Plums...
1st Man: Mangoes in syrup...
Sergeant: How about cherries?
All: We did them.
Sergeant: Red *and* black?
All: Yes!
Sergeant: All right, bananas.
(All sigh.)
Sergeant: We haven't done them, have we? Right.
Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a
banana. Now you, come at me with this banana.
Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed
with a banana. First of all you force him
to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him.
You
have now rendered him 'elpless.
2nd Man: Suppose he's got a bunch.
Sergeant: Shut up.
4th Man: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
Sergeant: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.
1st Man: 'Arrison.
Sergeant: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with
that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come
on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then!
(Shoots him.)
1st Man: Aaagh! (dies.)
Sergeant: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)
2nd Man: You shot him!
3rd Man: He's dead!
4th Man: He's completely dead!
Sergeant: I have now eaten the banana. The
deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.
2nd Man: You shot him. You shot him dead.
Sergeant: Well, he was attacking me with a
banana.
3rd Man: But you told him to.
Sergeant: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have
to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.
4th Man: And pointed sticks.
Sergeant: Shut up.
2nd Man: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with
a banana and I haven't got a gun?
Sergeant: Run for it.
3rd Man: You could stand and scream for help.
Sergeant: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple
down your windpipe.
3rd Man: A pineapple?
Sergeant: Where? Where?
3rd Man: No I just said: a pineapple.
Sergeant: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was
on that one.
3rd Man: What, on the pineapple?
Sergeant: Where? Where?
3rd Man: No, I was just repeating it.
Sergeant: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right
that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking
thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Tin Peach.
3rd Man: Thompson.
Sergeant: Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry.
Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.
3rd Man: No.
Sergeant: Why not?
3rd Man: You'll shoot me.
Sergeant: I won't.
3rd Man: You shot Mr. Harrison.
Sergeant: That was self-defence. Now come on.
I promise I won't shoot you.
4th Man: You promised you'd tell us about pointed
sticks.
Sergeant: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry.
Come at me with it. Give me Hell.
3rd Man: Throw the gun away.
Sergeant: I haven't got a gun.
3rd Man: You have.
Sergeant: Haven't.
3rd Man: You shot Mr 'Arrison with it.
Sergeant: Oh, that gun.
3rd Man: Throw it away.
Sergeant: Oh all right. How to defend yourself
against a redcurrant -- without a gun.
3rd Man: You were going to shoot me!
Sergeant: I wasn't.
3rd Man: You were!
Sergeant: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then.
Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come
on, you puny little man. You weed...
(Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a 16-ton
weight falls on Jones)
3rd Man: Aaagh.
Sergeant: If anyone ever attacks you with a
raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of
him.
2nd Man: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?
Sergeant: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.
2nd Man: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?
Sergeant: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The
16-ton weight is just _one way_ of dealing with a raspberry killer. There
are millions of others!
4th Man: Like what?
Sergeant: Shootin' him?
2nd Man: Well what if you haven't got a gun
or a 16-ton weight?
Sergeant: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants.
You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of
you, whole basket each.
2nd Man: No guns.
Sergeant: No.
2nd Man: No 16-ton weights.
Sergeant: No.
4th Man: No pointed sticks.
Sergeant: Shut up.
2nd Man: No rocks up in the ceiling.
Sergeant: No.
2nd Man: And you won't kill us.
Sergeant: I won't.
2nd Man: Promise.
Sergeant: I promise I won't kill you. Now.
Are you going to attack me?
2nd & 4th Men: Oh, all right.
Sergeant: Right, now don't rush me this time.
Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind
me,
close behind me, then in with the redcurrants!
Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being
stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is
to -- release the tiger!
(He does so. Growls. Screams.)
Sergeant: The great advantage of the tiger
in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also
the
redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish
the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right,
now,
the rest of you, where are you? I know you're
hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you.
I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite,
and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together!
Right, right. I warned you. That's it...
(Explosion.)
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