"But for the Grace of God"

Corrinne

It was a typical late winter morning in Chicago. The air was cold and damp. Ray and Fraser lay in each other's embrace. Neither wanted to get up and face the day before them. They hadn't slept much in the past few days. Now they were only dimly awake, in that place that is only exhaustion.

. . . . . . . . . .

Ed Pierson, a beat cop, had been killed in the line of duty only days earlier in a drug bust that had gone wrong. They both knew Ed and his lover, Antoine. Ed's mother and Barbara Kowalski were members of a Bridge club that met every Tuesday. Barbara had invited Ed and Antoine to supper one evening, feeling that her boys needed to meet more gay couples and they had become friends over the ensuing months.

Ed had possessed an easy going nature. Always quick to laugh, he had a nice word for everyone he met. Blonde, with dimples and amber eyes that sparkled, everyone liked him. Even the die hard homophobes at the 27th couldn't help but like Ed as a person. When he heard that Tom Edwards' new baby needed a special formula that was very expensive, Ed had quietly taken up a collection and gave it to Tom, explaining that it was in lieu of a baby shower. Jane Ellison's grandmother in Florida died and Ed, again quietly, collected enough money for Jane to fly down for the funeral. A running joke was, if you saw Ed coming, you just took out your wallet and gave him money, knowing that it was to help a fellow officer.

Antoine LeDoux was from an old New Orleans family. He was Creole, shorter and more slender than Ed with a dusky complexion. His hair and eyes were black. Although he had moved with his family to Chicago as a teenager, he still spoke with the sing-song accent of his native New Orleans French.

The four had quickly struck up a friendship. It helped that Ray and Ed were both cops. There was a common ground. Fraser was delighted when he learned that Antoine owned a small antique book store and was an avid reader. Their evenings or weekends together, whether at their own apartment eating pizza and playing darts, or at Ed's and Antoine's apartment, eating a gourmet home cooked meal of traditional Creole food, drew the four of them closer. Ray and Ed would sit discussing cases and people they worked with while Fraser and Antoine compared their opinions of different books.

Ed's death had a deep impact on Fraser and Ray. They were both in law enforcement, and felt, 'There but for the grace of God go I."

They heard the quiet click of a key turning in the apartment door. Ray's parents had arrived. The subdued sounds of Barbara's voice, muffled by the closed bedroom door, filtered through to them.

There was a quiet knock on the door and, "Boys?" Receiving no response, Barbara opened the door ever so slightly and took in the appearance of the two. They looked terrible.

Barbara knew that Lt. Welsh had asked Ray to break the news to Antoine, knowing that it might be a little easier on the man if it came from a friend. But first Ray had called her, asking her if she could tell Ed's parents. Ray hadn't wanted to deliver that news twice and he knew that his mother would be as kind and gentle as possible in telling the Piersons that their son was dead.

Barbara slipped quietly into the room. Touching Fraser's shoulder and shaking him gently she said, "Ben? Ben, I'm sorry, but it's time to get up."

Fraser rolled onto his back and looked up at her. "I know," was all he could manage. Then he reached up and gripped her hand. Barbara brushed his dark hair back from his forehead and gave him a gentle kiss. Leaning across him, she kissed her son.

When Barbara had left the room, Fraser forced his tired and aching body from the bed, dragging Ray with him. Entering their small bathroom, he turned on the shower. When the temperature was right, he stepped in and Ray followed. They stood beneath the pulsing flow of water, allowing it to drain their fatigue and give them strength. With their quick shower over, they took turns drying and shaving. Then they dressed. Ray put on his old patrolman's uniform while Fraser dressed in his formal red serge. They would be among the pallbearers.

. . . . . . . . . .

Ray pulled his GTO into a parking space at the funeral home. He held the driver's seat forward so that his father could get out while Fraser helped Barbara.

Entering the chapel, Barbara went immediately to her friend, Evangeline. Taking her in her arms, she whispered, "I am so sorry."

Evangeline accepted Barbara's embrace and allowed her tears to flow freely, knowing that Barbara understood. The solemn services began with the choir from the church Ed and Antoine attended singing 'Nearer my God to Thee.'

As the Minister's final words ended, Antoine, following an old tradition, leaned down and placed a kiss on Ed's lips: one last gift .. one last touch. He whispered, "Vas avec Dieu, Mon Amor." (Go with God, My Love.)

Barbara, seeing the look of disgust on the faces of some of the people present went forward and did the same. She cast one silent look at her son. Ray squeezed Fraser's hand and went to stand beside his mother. He, too, leaned down and kissed Ed. Fraser repeated the action. It was important to display their support for the surviving member of this young couple who had been ripped apart by place and circumstance.

Barbara held out her hand and Evangeline stood. With a heart full of pain and unquenchable loss, she took Barbara's hand and leaned down and kissed her son for one last time. Her silent tears fell upon his face. Then she took Antoine in her arms and kissed him. It was an open acknowledgment to all present that she accepted Antoine as if he were her own son.

. . . . . . . . . .

The scene at the cemetery was a typical policeman's funeral. The 27th turned out in full measure. Even Lt. Welsh was wearing his uniform. The pipe and drum corps played the hauntingly beautiful 'Amazing Grace', a melody that was all to familiar. The six pallbearers: Fraser, Kowalski, Vecchio, Huey, Dewey, and Welsh carried the casket of their fallen comrade from the hearse to the gravesite.

Fraser clenched his teeth. Some of them had done this before, when Louis Guardino had been killed. He turned his thoughts away from that painful episode in his life.

As the honor guard fired the twenty one gun salute, Damien took his wife's hand in his and gave it a squeeze. In the back of their minds was the same thought: 'It could have been Stanley. It could have been Ben.'