Of Doubts and Fears

Ray burst into the room, gun blazing. His first shot took the killer down. His second shot took the killer out. Ray glanced around the room until he saw what he was looking for. His heart stopped as he crossed the room and knelt beside the lifeless body of his friend and lover. Taking Fraser gently in his arms, he placed his cheek against Fraser’s as the tears ran down his face. Gathering all of the air possible into his lungs, he screamed out an endless “NOOOOOO!”

Ray woke from his nightmare, his body trembling and covered with sweat. He reached across the bed and pulled Fraser’s pillow to him. Curling himself around it, he drank deeply of Fraser’s scent in the pillowcover. When he felt that he could breathe again, he pulled himself out of bed. Slipping on jeans, he picked up his telephone and placed a call.

“Canadian Consulate. Constable Turnbull speaking. How may I help you?”

“Turnbull, it’s me. Is he busy?”

“I don’t believe he’s pursuing anything important at the moment, Detective. I’ll transfer your call.”

Fraser answered the intercom on his desk. “Yes, Turnbull?”

“Detective Kowalski is calling for you.”

“Thank you Turnbull. You may send the call through.”

“Good morning, Ray. Well, actually it’s afternoon.”

“I know. I hate the graveyard shift. It messes up everything. Frase? I had that nightmare again.”

“Oh, dear. I’ll be home in a couple of hours, Ray. Ray? are you alright?”

“Yeah, Frase, I’m ok. Guess maybe I just needed to hear your voice, ya know?”

“I know, Ray.”

“Ok then, see ya soon.”

Ray put the phone down. Coffee...that’s what he needed...coffee. Ray took a cup out of the cupboard and opened the thermos of steaming coffee, sweetened just the way he liked it. Fraser always had the coffee ready for him like this when he worked 11pm to 7am. Taking his cup with him, he headed for the bathroom and a quick shower.

Ray was in the kitchen when Fraser came in. While it was true that he didn’t cook often, he could cook. He had decided to do something special. Fraser was particularly fond of the way Ray baked chicken...coated with garlic flavored olive oil and a subtle sprinkling of thyme and rosemary.

“Good evening, Ray” Fraser said as he entered the kitchen. He stood behind Ray, wrapping his arms around him and kissing him gently on the back of his neck. Ray turned and pressed his lips to Frasers’. He needed the security of Fraser’s nearness. He pressed his body against that of his lover. Taking Fraser’s face in both of his hands, he kissed him hungrily, surprising both of them with the intensity of the kiss.

“Maybe you should have that nightmare more often, Ray, if it puts you in the mood to cook and kiss me like that. Let me go change out of this uniform and I’ll help you finish dinner.”

They worked silently. Fraser prepared the salad while Ray checked on the chicken and the garlic roasted potatoes. Diefenbaker lay quietly in his customary spot on the carpet in the living room. Then Ray set the table while Fraser carved the chicken, reserving Dief his favorite pieces.

As they ate, Fraser told Ray about his day. Turnbull was a favorite topic. When they first met, Ray had thought Turnbull a bit odd. But he had come to respect the man over time. Turnbull was, although outwardly a little clumsy, very efficient at his work. He was totally loyal to Fraser. The three of them had formed a lasting friendship.

Ray realized that Fraser had stopped talking. “Ray... Ray?”

“Yeah, Frase?”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, sure. Just thinkin’ is all. So, what did the Ice Queen say when Turnbull did that?”

And so the conversation went as the dishes were washed and put away.

“Ray? Do you want to talk about the nightmare. You know, the Inuit believe..”

Ray suddenly realized that he did not want to talk about the nightmare. If he said aloud, it might come true. “No, Fraser!” Ray shouted. “I do not want to talk about it. I do not want to hear anything about Inuit dream explanations. It scared the hell out of me! I just wanna.....I just wanna drop the whole thing.”

“Understood, Ray.”

An unnatural silence descended, the only sounds being the soft playing of a cd and Dief’s breathing. “Look, Frase. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

Ray didn’t like losing his temper with Fraser. But, the truth was, he had a hair-trigger temper. And living with Fraser didn’t make it any easier. Oh, there was no doubt of the love they had for each other. But Mr. Meticulous, Mr. Logic sometimes didn’t have a clue. He always wanted to talk things over, analyze things. He didn’t seem to understand that sometimes Ray just needed to be left alone, like now.

Ray knew the reason for the nightmares...he was afraid of waking up one morning and Fraser would be gone from his life. He had been so terrified of that thought that when Vecchio came back from his undercover assignment, he had been filled with a jealous rage. That was only made worse when Fraser was so genuinely happy to see him. And there was the whole ‘Benny’ thing. Not to mention the way that Vecchio had called him ‘Stanley’. But his time alone with Fraser in Canada had proven to him that Vecchio was not a threat to their love. Hell, he and Vecchio had even become friends.

With one failed marriage behind him, Ray didn’t want to take the chance that he would ruin things with Fraser. Two sets of blue eyes looked at each other and Ray heard Fraser whisper softly “It’s alright, Ray. I understand.”

Ray slid easily into Fraser’s arms. It felt good, being held in Fraser’s strong embrace. Fraser’s gentle kisses began to ease the tension between them.

“What would you like to do for the rest of the evening, before you have to go to work, Ray?”

“Well, how about poker? Bet I win this time.” Ray’s eyes now had a mischievous look .

“And we would be playing for?”

“Air.”

This was better. The tension was gone. And this was a game that they played often. Ray knew that he would eventually talk to Fraser about the nightmares. But the one he just had was still too fresh in his memory, too painful. It was more comfortable to play poker now, and save the talk for a time when he could be more objective.

“I’m gettin better at this, Frase. I beat Jack Huey last night.”

“Oh? And what did you play for, Ray?”

“Match sticks.”

“So long as you do not play for air.”

Ray looked up at Fraser. Playing poker for air was one of their ‘things’, something very personal between them. Ray saw the sultry look in Fraser’s eyes. The sly ‘come hither’ stare that Fraser sometimes had when they were about to make love. Ray swallowed hard, and glanced back down at the hand he was holding.

“Crowded home, Frase” Ray said, spreading his cards out on the table, grin on his face.

“I believe you mean ‘full house,’ Ray.”

Another game they played. Ray had corrected Fraser’s attempts at American slang so often that it was now a running joke for Ray screw things up and Fraser to correct him. The look that passed between them was one of deep affection.

There was no time now for what Ray wanted: the slow, gentle, sensuous sex that Fraser preferred and Ray enjoyed and, in his current frame of mind, needed. Fraser looked back at him in understanding, tilting his head to one side and running his tongue across his bottom lip (a gesture that endeared him to Ray.)

“Tonight is the last night you work this shift, Ray. And tomorrow is Saturday. We have the weekend ahead of us.”

When it was time for Ray to leave for the precinct, Fraser walked to the door with him. Once again, Ray was drawn into the safe embrace of Fraser’s arms and love.

“Wake me when you get home?”

“You bet.” And Ray kissed Fraser goodbye.

As it turned out, Ray didn’t need to wake Fraser. He was already up. The apartment had been dusted, vacuumed, mopped. The laundry was done, and it was only 8 am. Fraser was just finishing the ironing when he heard Ray’s key turn the lock of the door. They met with a soft, light kiss, for Ray appeared tired.

“Difficult night, Ray?”

“Boring night, Frase. Not a whole lotta crime goin on, for a change. So I got a whole damned pile of paperwork done. Now my eyes hurt and I got a headache.”

Fraser gently kissed him again. “Go on and see if you can get some sleep, Ray.”

Fraser took Dief out for a walk around the nearby park while Ray slept. Dief had acquired the most inconsiderate habit of jumping onto the bed while Ray slept. While it signified that he had accepted Ray into his ‘pack’, it also woke Ray. And when Ray didn’t have enough sleep, he was extremely grouchy. Considering how Ray had been the night before, Fraser didn’t want his sleep disturbed.

When they returned, he started a fresh pot of coffee. He was reading a magazine article about the recent political changes in the Northwest Territory and listening to Ray’s gentle snoring. Well, gentle only because the bedroom door was closed.

He didn’t notice when the snoring stopped. But he did hear the loud scream of ‘NO!’ that issued from the bedroom. He and Dief entered the room at the same time, Dief checking for trouble. Ray was tossing in the bed, twisting the sheet around himself.

“Ray! Ray!” Fraser grasped the writhing form of his lover and held him close. “Ray, wake up. You’re having a nightmare.”

Ray caught Fraser in his arms and held him tightly. Ray’s slender arms hid the power of his strength. “I lost you, Frase, I lost you. You were dead. I lost you.”

“Shh, Ray. It was a nightmare.”

Fraser quickly stripped and slid into the bed. Taking Ray into his arms he placed Ray’s head on his shoulder and held him tightly. Slowly the trembling stopped. Ray started to relax. Fraser kissed him softly. In the warmth of Fraser’s love, Ray’s breathing slowed and he slipped into a more gentle sleep.

Fraser tried several times to ease himself away. He was unaccustomed to lying idly in bed. But, each time he tried to move, Ray pulled him back. Finally Fraser gave up and relaxed back against the pillow, watching Ray breathe. He gently ran his fingers through Ray’s hair and caressed his check. He was a little concerned that Ray still showed insecurity in their relationship. But he also understood Ray’s reasons. The divorce had been a painful experience and Stella took such pleasure in belittling Ray at every possible opportunity. His self esteem plummeted every time he was around her. Ray was the kind of person who need to love, and be loved in return.

Fraser kissed Ray gently. Relaxing even more, he drifted off to a light nap himself-asleep, but aware of every movement Ray made.

It was late afternoon before Ray woke. He stretched lazily, like a cat, arching his back off of the bed as he did. Opening his eyes, he saw Fraser looking at him, a smile on his face.

“What’re you lookin’ at?”

“You.”

“Oh. Izzat all you’re gonna do is just look?”

“Oh, by no means, Ray” Fraser took Ray in his arms, and between kisses whispered “I intend to kiss you, and lick you, and suck you, and fuck you, and...”

“Fraser!!”

“Yes, Ray?”

“Shut up already, and put your money where your mouth is.”

“Understood. Ray? Is money what you really want me to..?”

“Fraser!!”

The playful banter ceased as Fraser ran his tongue around Ray’s lips before sinking it deeply into Ray’s mouth. Ray’s heart skipped a beat as he felt strong but gentle hands caress his body, fingers tracing circles around his nipples. The hands kept moving, going ever lower down Ray’s body until one off them stopped, and Ray felt strong fingers encircle his now hardened cock.

“Oh, yeah, Frase.” he whispered, his voice husky with desire.

Giving Ray one last kiss, Fraser moved. Ray felt the heat of Fraser’s mouth draw in one nipple, felt the tongue that slid lightly across it, felt as Fraser sucked it into his mouth and gently nipped at it. Fraser knew all of the places were Ray liked to be licked and nibbled.

Ray moved his pillow so that he could rest his head against it and still watch what Fraser was doing to him. He looked down into Fraser’s blue eyes and saw him smile just before he lowered that mouth to Ray’s cock. Ray felt as if he had been engulfed by fire. Fraser ran his tongue the length of Ray’s cock..licking, nibbling, teasing, until Ray could stand it no longer.

“Now, Frase. I gotta have it now!”

Again, those blue eyes looked into his, and the teasing stopped as Fraser took all of Ray. Ray felt Fraser stop moving, letting Ray fuck his mouth at his own pace. He knew that it wouldn’t take long. He thrust in and out of Fraser furiously until he surprised even himself at the strength of the “Oh God!” that tore from his throat as he orgasmed long and hard.

He was trembling and tears ran from the corners of his eyes as he felt himself taken, once again, into Fraser’s arms. Gentle kisses rained across his face as an ever searching tongue wiped the tears away.

“Ray,” Fraser whispered softly. “You’ll never lose me. I love you. Don’t you know that by now? Nothing will ever take me away from you. I promise. You and I, Ray...we’ll grow old together.”

Ray looked at Fraser and saw the depths of honesty in his eyes. Fraser meant what he said, never lied. They kissed again, and in between kisses Ray said:

“Frase, about what you said earlier. You said you were going to kiss me..”

“Which I did.”

“And lick me.”

“Which I did.”

“And suck me.”

“Which I did.”

“And fuck me.”

“Which I shall.”

the end